Dating Newly Sober Alcoholic(?)

[Anonymous]

Disaster waiting to happen...soon as dude moves in --- drama to the 9th degree.

[Anonymous]

I would have a real problem with him telling me I "shouldn't" drink. If he feels like he can only give up alcohol if his SO does as well, fine. Decide whether you want to live your life like that and then decide whether the relationship is worth it to you. But his trying to guilt you into giving it up is controlling behavior that I would not bend to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope I haven't given the impression I'm not taking it seriously. As I said, I don't know anyone in recovery (or, I may and just don't know it) so I don't know how all this works. I did not know that you aren't supposed to be making other changes in your life at the same time. Or waiting a year for things. But the info I've learned here is giving me a new perspective on this that I haven't considered.

And I don't want it to sound like I'm making excuses for him, but he's not trying to be a "new" person, but I guess try to improve? He just said he feels like we are taking a big step, so we should do it right, and that's why he's wanting to get a better job to be in a better place financially (to sell my house and buy a new one, have $$ for the wedding and then having kids), participating more in church, distancing some questionable friends, etc.

The only part he's doing a complete 180 is the drinking.

This isn't related to the drinking exactly, but I would keep an eye on this. Getting married and starting a family doesn't mean you have to become a brand new person- people who think this way are often the ones feeling like they lost themselves a few years into a marriage, and start doing questionable things to find themselves or be themselves again. Have you all had discussions on what marriage looks like to each of you? He needs to take a lot of pressure off of himself to be this perfect husband and father- the alternative is not good.

[Anonymous]

Moving in together because his lease is up seems like a really bad idea with so many other red flags.

[Anonymous]

OP, being in a relationship with a newly recovering alcoholic is really hard. Often, it's impossible because so much of their former life has to be set aside.

We don't keep alcohol in the house. I would love to have a bottle of wine around for cooking, but I know that it would not last through the night. We don't go to happy hour unless one of our jobs requires it, and even then we don't stay long. It's hard for an alcoholic to be in a bar and it's hard for an alcoholic to be around people who are drinking. When he first got sober, I didn't drink around him. I didn't drink when I knew we were going to be seeing each other. He was triggered and frustrated even by happy tipsy behavior, since that was off limits to him.

The thing is, those were decisions that I made to support him. He told me, "It's okay if you have a glass of wine or a beer at dinner, it's okay if you want to go to Such-and-Such-Bar for lunch, etc." He was always very specific that HIS behavior, HIS relationship with alcohol were the problems. He also recognized that if my behavior was a problem, that was something that I was going to have to decide to act on myself, that pressuring me to jump on his wagon would not necessarily be helpful for me or good for our relationship.

One thing that you absolutely must keep in mind is that when your boyfriend clears the fog of alcoholism, he may seem like a different person. He may not be a person that you like. I agree with the posters who strongly advise against major life decisions in the first year. You can get engaged if you want, but please do not marry him until he's been sober for a year. Please encourage him to work his support network - you mentioned church, they are usually a good resource. I am all for self improvement and moving on to bigger and better things, but there are some red flags here that I think neither of you actually realizes are red flags.

[Anonymous]

Don't move in with this guy. He has to get his personal house in order. Once you move in you will be bound by a lease and feel pressure to preserve your household. Chances are that he's counting on this. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.

[Anonymous]

Understand what you are committing to here. Living together, you are either part of his recovery support system or a trigger for relapse.

I don't mean you are responsible for his behavior, but u are placing yourself squarely in the path of his management of his disease.

Talk to him about his relapse warning signs, his triggers, and his plans for coping with them.

Insist he attend AA or a r covert support group weekly. His chances of relapse are substantially if h doesn't. Also, it's not fair that you become his sole recovery support. You do need to understand his process and challenges that are likely to appear. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Avoid relationships with alcholics or people who have "drinking problems" or whatever euphemism you're using. The rate of relapse is high and usually drinking problems are accompanied by all sorts of other issues that will simply break your heart over time.

I say this as someone who is married to a recovering alcoholic and who has several family members with alcoholism. I realize it sounds incredibly cold and heartless, but stay away. Just not worth it.

I agree with this. My soon to be ex husband is a recovering alcoholic. I just can't warn you enough. When we first met, it was strange his reaction when I ordered a glass of wine. I was unaware of his addiction. I then moved in 6 months later and was made aware. I was scared to bring wine into the house to even cook with. Time went on and I basicalky stopped drinking. But we had other issues including controlling behavior, his nasty attitude and what I consider verbal abuse. There is something about an alcoholic's thought patterns which are off.

Save yourself from this heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

It's abnormal and bodes ill for your long-term relationship with him. Dump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Avoid relationships with alcholics or people who have "drinking problems" or whatever euphemism you're using. The rate of relapse is high and usually drinking problems are accompanied by all sorts of other issues that will simply break your heart over time.

I say this as someone who is married to a recovering alcoholic and who has several family members with alcoholism. I realize it sounds incredibly cold and heartless, but stay away. Just not worth it.

I agree with this. My soon to be ex husband is a recovering alcoholic. I just can't warn you enough. When we first met, it was strange his reaction when I ordered a glass of wine. I was unaware of his addiction. I then moved in 6 months later and was made aware. I was scared to bring wine into the house to even cook with. Time went on and I basicalky stopped drinking. But we had other issues including controlling behavior, his nasty attitude and what I consider verbal abuse. There is something about an alcoholic's thought patterns which are off.

Save yourself from this heartbreak.

Alcoholics often have a whole host of issues they "medicate" by drinking. And when they're not drinking they often don't have the crutch they use to cope. Stay away, OP. There are many warning signs and red flags here not the least of which is that your boyfriend doesn't seem to be working his own program of sobriety but is looking to you as his buffer.

[Anonymous]

You know, some people are alcoholics. That doesn't mean that they have other problems, alcohol is their problem and denying it is their problem. Saying that alcoholics are medicating other issues and to stay away from them even if they are in recovery is powerfully misinformed.

Many, many people are recovering alcoholics. You would be amazed to know how many people in government, education, law enforcement, medicine and law are recovering alcoholics. To condemn all of these people is to illustrate how foolish you are.

Your boyfriend needs to go to meetings. 90 meetings in 90 days. He will find the answers he needs in the meetings. You need to work on your own answers. Previous posters are correct in saying that the first year of sobriety is one that does not encourage major changes in relationships. He will learn that in his meetings, and you should not plan the wedding yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, some people are alcoholics. That doesn't mean that they have other problems, alcohol is their problem and denying it is their problem. Saying that alcoholics are medicating other issues and to stay away from them even if they are in recovery is powerfully misinformed.

Many, many people are recovering alcoholics. You would be amazed to know how many people in government, education, law enforcement, medicine and law are recovering alcoholics. To condemn all of these people is to illustrate how foolish you are.

Your boyfriend needs to go to meetings. 90 meetings in 90 days. He will find the answers he needs in the meetings. You need to work on your own answers. Previous posters are correct in saying that the first year of sobriety is one that does not encourage major changes in relationships. He will learn that in his meetings, and you should not plan the wedding yet.

Every single alcoholic I have ever met has other problems. They may not be root problems. They may be problems that flow from being a drunk, but they have other problems. Missed work. lying in relationships, bad checks, rape victim, crazy relationships, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you most likely ARE going to break up over this. Recovery is HARD, and darn near impossible if he's not going get support and guidance.

Absolutely do not let him move in with you or get engaged until he has been sober at least a year. I echo the recommendation to go to Al Anon and listen to others who've BTDT.

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't think he's being fair. He has a problem, not you. He needs to learn that alcohol will always be there, and he has to learn to resist it anyway.

I think it's ok if he needs there to not be alcohol in the house for awhile - that might make it too easy to backslide - but it is absolutely not fair to expect you never to drink again because he can't drink. You should be able to drink when you are out - with others or with him.

When I was pregnant, I didn't expect people to stop drinking because I couldn't drink. I enjoyed going out sober because it was more fun going out sober than staying home by myself sober!

[Anonymous]

Leaving aside alcoholism and all the excellent advice you have gotten, it's never okay for someone you are in a relationship with to try to dictate what you do when you are not around them. Never.