Dating Newly Sober Alcoholic(?)

[Anonymous]

Wait, he wants you to sell your house? You haven't actually mentioned how you feel about any of these changes.

[Anonymous]

My DH is an observant Muslim who has never had a drop of alcohol is his life, and even he doesn't mind if I have a glass of wine, much less try to control how much I drink when I'm out with my girlfriends. I think your BF is being unreasonable. I would also not move in with him until you are completely content with the way things are with you, because once you live together, extricating becomes difficult and you tend to swallow issues instead of dealing with them.

[Anonymous]

Thanks again for all the advice. I appreciate all the insights.

He's not moving in just because his lease is up. He's at my house more than half the week and we felt it didn't make sense to pay for a place he's not at for another year when we are trying to save $$ for other things. He could absolutely sign a new lease. I'm the one who wants a new/bigger house. Saving ourselves from a 2nd set of housing expenses in the DC area for another year would be huge.

The confusion/misunderstanding I'm having is that his drinking hasn't caused problems. He doesn't drink daily or hide when he drinks or blackout. He's not violent or abusive. He doesn't spend all our money on alcohol. He isn't getting in trouble. He doesn't miss work or skip out on things. His issue with drinking is not cutting himself off before he gets frat-boy drunk (I don't know how else to describe it...obnoxious? boisterous?)

Like I said, I've never knowingly been around an alcoholic, so his symptoms weren't computing to me as him being an alcoholic, just a binge drinker. (Is a binge drinker automatically an alcoholic?) He doesn't do or act in any of the ways you typically hear or imagine someone with alcoholism does. So, I really hope it doesn't seem like I'm downplaying it...I'm just trying to process all this new information.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of people who don't drink. Not because they're recovering alcoholics, but because they don't drink. If you boyfriend has decided that he doesn't want to drink, for whatever reason, you better understand that there are plenty of women who don't drink, and don't see it as a problem at all if he doesn't. You may want to cut him loose

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again for all the advice. I appreciate all the insights.

He's not moving in just because his lease is up. He's at my house more than half the week and we felt it didn't make sense to pay for a place he's not at for another year when we are trying to save $$ for other things. He could absolutely sign a new lease. I'm the one who wants a new/bigger house. Saving ourselves from a 2nd set of housing expenses in the DC area for another year would be huge.

The confusion/misunderstanding I'm having is that his drinking hasn't caused problems. He doesn't drink daily or hide when he drinks or blackout. He's not violent or abusive. He doesn't spend all our money on alcohol. He isn't getting in trouble. He doesn't miss work or skip out on things. His issue with drinking is not cutting himself off before he gets frat-boy drunk (I don't know how else to describe it...obnoxious? boisterous?)

Like I said, I've never knowingly been around an alcoholic, so his symptoms weren't computing to me as him being an alcoholic, just a binge drinker. (Is a binge drinker automatically an alcoholic?) He doesn't do or act in any of the ways you typically hear or imagine someone with alcoholism does. So, I really hope it doesn't seem like I'm downplaying it...I'm just trying to process all this new information.

There are different kinds of alcoholics. They don't all do the same things. Many can be high functioning at work and in their personal lives and still have no control when they drink.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for writing back. It sounds to an observer that he does, in fact, have a problem with alcohol. In my opinion, binge drinking is not in and of itself necessarily a problem. But your BF is not able to stop drinking after one or two, and gets out of control, which sounds problematic. The fact that he wants to quit drinking altogether, and force you to swear that YOU will never drink again as well, screams to me that he is not able to consume alcohol in moderation.

It sounds like you have a lot going on with the housing, etc., but I echo what others are saying about taking a good long look at this drinking thing before moving in together.

[Anonymous]

Ex wife to an alcoholic and wondering if he shows any other controlling behavior?

When my ex stopped drinking his addiction came out in controlling every aspect of my life.

Ugh, good luck to you. I don't want to give you advice because mine would be run. Run now.

[Anonymous]

Run.
Run Fast.

I stopped reading when you wrote about him trying to control your behavior. Please remember that he is probably drinking as self-medication for a mental illness which he may or may not be addressing.

Making his problems yours is unhealthy.

Run really, really fast. (away from him if that part is not obvious).

[Anonymous]

I should note that 13:26 and :18 are not the same person but had the exact same reaction.

[Anonymous]

OP, binge drinking can easily become "full blown" alcoholism. When he drinks, he can't stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again for all the advice. I appreciate all the insights.

He's not moving in just because his lease is up. He's at my house more than half the week and we felt it didn't make sense to pay for a place he's not at for another year when we are trying to save $$ for other things. He could absolutely sign a new lease. I'm the one who wants a new/bigger house. Saving ourselves from a 2nd set of housing expenses in the DC area for another year would be huge.

OP, please, I know it sounds like it makes sense, but none of this is a good reason to move in with someone. If you want to save money, you should get a roommate. It's VERY difficult, much more difficult to sever ties with someone when you live with them. It's a completely different dynamic. If you have lived with anyone before, you know what I mean. It's very different. The only good reason to move in with someone is that you are 100% certain you want to be with them, nothing else. Please don't do this if your reasons are what you wrote.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like HE feels that his drinking behavior is a problem. Him not having the same awful behavior as the stereotypical alcoholic doesn't mean that it's not a problem.

I know that aspect is confusing, but I think to many people, what is more disturbing is that he is trying to control YOUR behavior as well, when you're around him, when you're not around him, whatever. That's the thing that is flagging this as a problem for most people.

[Anonymous]

In this case OP the problem isn't so much how he acts when he's drinking, it's that he's trying to push his new found abstinence on you. He doesn't have a right to- you have no issues with your alcohol consumption. If he wants a non-drinker, he should go find one.

[Anonymous]

I give up, OP. Move in with the guy. Marry him. Do whatever it takes to keep this relationship going, including quitting drinking because he said so. It's going to end badly, but you aren't ready to accept that.

Have fun. I predict that it is going to be miserable, but you are determined to have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I give up, OP. Move in with the guy. Marry him. Do whatever it takes to keep this relationship going, including quitting drinking because he said so. It's going to end badly, but you aren't ready to accept that.

Have fun. I predict that it is going to be miserable, but you are determined to have it.

Please do let us know, though! We do love a good trainwreck.