Husband blames me for everything

[Anonymous]

I am so tired of my DH blaming me for everything that he doesn't like or that might embarrass him about our children:

My DD has dyslexia- I didn't read to her enough when little
My DS cries easily- I coddle him too much
MY DS is skinny-- I don't feed him well enough
MY DD doesn't seem to have a group of friends yet -- I don't do a good job of working on play dates, etc. for her
My DS got a concussion in sports- I coddle him
MY DS can't handle loud places well, making certain restaurants tough - I coddle him

To be fair, my son's sensitivities are sometimes difficult to deal with. I am the parent at home and my DH travels a lot, so I play both parental roles a large portion of the time. Trying to talk to him about this is pointless. I try, but I am getting angrier and angrier and the kids are now at an age that they can see what is going on. I am the only one who cooks, shops, does homework, arranges tutors, keeps up with their school, social, and extra-curricular needs. Just a vent I guess.

[Anonymous]

1. It's unacceptable for your husband to automatically blame you, and you need to look him in the eye and say: "You are rude and disrespectful. Stop criticizing my parenting. I can't discuss this with you until you apologize. This is not how you treat your spouse, particularly since I do all the housework and parenting around here. Engage if you think you can go better."

2. However you should also consider that there might be truth to what he says. I advise you to talk about this with your mom friends, and go to PEP classes or similar, to see whether you could fine-tune anything. When you have a better idea of what works and what doesn't, you can initiate an in-depth discussion of parenting techniques with your husband, and you'll come from a more authoritative place
.

[Anonymous]

My honest opinion: constant blaming is a deal breaker for me. My father is a chronic blamer and an emotionally abusive person. There's no situation in the day in which he must not ascribe blame - and it's never ever on him.

I don't take that from a partner and I'm upfront about it very early.

Counselling or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My honest opinion: constant blaming is a deal breaker for me. My father is a chronic blamer and an emotionally abusive person. There's no situation in the day in which he must not ascribe blame - and it's never ever on him.

I don't take that from a partner and I'm upfront about it very early.

Counselling or divorce.

+1

Why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of my DH blaming me for everything that he doesn't like or that might embarrass him about our children:

My DD has dyslexia- I didn't read to her enough when little
My DS cries easily- I coddle him too much
MY DS is skinny-- I don't feed him well enough
MY DD doesn't seem to have a group of friends yet -- I don't do a good job of working on play dates, etc. for her
My DS got a concussion in sports- I coddle him
MY DS can't handle loud places well, making certain restaurants tough - I coddle him

To be fair, my son's sensitivities are sometimes difficult to deal with. I am the parent at home and my DH travels a lot, so I play both parental roles a large portion of the time. Trying to talk to him about this is pointless. I try, but I am getting angrier and angrier and the kids are now at an age that they can see what is going on. I am the only one who cooks, shops, does homework, arranges tutors, keeps up with their school, social, and extra-curricular needs. Just a vent I guess.

I sympathize with you, but as the working spouse of a SAHM, it's also frustrating to have your parental suggestions dismissed out of hand because you're not home full-time and can't possibly be as knowledgeable as the SAHM. Sometimes this stuff comes back in your face.

You have to find a way to co-parent for the sake of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of my DH blaming me for everything that he doesn't like or that might embarrass him about our children:

My DD has dyslexia- I didn't read to her enough when little
My DS cries easily- I coddle him too much
MY DS is skinny-- I don't feed him well enough
MY DD doesn't seem to have a group of friends yet -- I don't do a good job of working on play dates, etc. for her
My DS got a concussion in sports- I coddle him
MY DS can't handle loud places well, making certain restaurants tough - I coddle him

To be fair, my son's sensitivities are sometimes difficult to deal with. I am the parent at home and my DH travels a lot, so I play both parental roles a large portion of the time. Trying to talk to him about this is pointless. I try, but I am getting angrier and angrier and the kids are now at an age that they can see what is going on. I am the only one who cooks, shops, does homework, arranges tutors, keeps up with their school, social, and extra-curricular needs. Just a vent I guess.

I had a father with a similar situation (travelled all the time and my mom stayed home) and trust me kids see whats going on and it pisses them off. It did for me at least.

Sounds like he is a real negative Nancy and kind of emotionally abusive. How in the fucking fuck would dyslexia be your fault? Also, i'm sure it makes your daughter feel great to have her learning disability treated like some plague. I have ADHD and if my parents had blamed each other for it and treated it like some curse rather than a special ability with unique advantages and drawbacks, I would have felt like totally shit.

I would just straight up be like: Exactly what do you want me to do? You want to take over these jobs if I'm doing such a bad job? because you're out of the house all the time and I'm here alone doing both jobs by myself.

Also- and this is number one: create a fund for yourself if you haven't already. When my mother decided to file for divorce, the first thing my father did was try to squeeze her financially. Most stay at home moms see a significant decrease in lifestyle when they get a divorce. My mother is SOOOO much happier now but it took some absolutely miserable years to get there. She went from playing tennis at the country club every day to getting her electricity cut off and working as a secretary. (and this is a woman who was an executive vp of a bank before she got married.) So it can happen to anyone, no matter your financial level. Think about getting a part time job and start quarreling away a couple hundred here and there, or maybe a thousand if your income is large enough- whatever will not be noticeable. That way you can choose to leave or to stay and your decision wont be based on financial duress.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. I understand, and I do take "responsibility" for things with the kids. I am far from a perfect parent. I do things like PEP, read a ton, and am a pretty up to speed parent. On the other hand, do I do everything perfectly and my kids respond in a text book way? Not at all. I guess I feel like my kids have some issues/challenges (most do!) and rather than help me with the frustration, work, etc. that comes with this, he lashes out at me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I understand, and I do take "responsibility" for things with the kids. I am far from a perfect parent. I do things like PEP, read a ton, and am a pretty up to speed parent. On the other hand, do I do everything perfectly and my kids respond in a text book way? Not at all. I guess I feel like my kids have some issues/challenges (most do!) and rather than help me with the frustration, work, etc. that comes with this, he lashes out at me.

OP, I think you do wayyyyyy too much explaining/apologizing and this might be why you ended up with a dude like that. You need to get a little more assertive. NO ONE is a perfect parents, that's impossible, so why even clarify that? Anyone who expects that is totally unreasonable. What matters is that your kids feel loved and supported by you, and feel that they are emotionally safe with you. It sounds like, unless your husband is ONLY directing that behavior towards you and not the kids which i doubt very much, that you do a much better job of making them feel emotionally safe than your husband does and that's what concerns me. It would really suck if your husbands emotionally abusive "you're worthless" schtick was being directed at little kids who are still emotionally vulnerable and still forming their senses of self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of my DH blaming me for everything that he doesn't like or that might embarrass him about our children:

My DD has dyslexia- I didn't read to her enough when little
My DS cries easily- I coddle him too much
MY DS is skinny-- I don't feed him well enough
MY DD doesn't seem to have a group of friends yet -- I don't do a good job of working on play dates, etc. for her
My DS got a concussion in sports- I coddle him
MY DS can't handle loud places well, making certain restaurants tough - I coddle him

To be fair, my son's sensitivities are sometimes difficult to deal with. I am the parent at home and my DH travels a lot, so I play both parental roles a large portion of the time. Trying to talk to him about this is pointless. I try, but I am getting angrier and angrier and the kids are now at an age that they can see what is going on. I am the only one who cooks, shops, does homework, arranges tutors, keeps up with their school, social, and extra-curricular needs. Just a vent I guess.

I had a father with a similar situation (travelled all the time and my mom stayed home) and trust me kids see whats going on and it pisses them off. It did for me at least.

Sounds like he is a real negative Nancy and kind of emotionally abusive. How in the fucking fuck would dyslexia be your fault? Also, i'm sure it makes your daughter feel great to have her learning disability treated like some plague. I have ADHD and if my parents had blamed each other for it and treated it like some curse rather than a special ability with unique advantages and drawbacks, I would have felt like totally shit.

I would just straight up be like: Exactly what do you want me to do? You want to take over these jobs if I'm doing such a bad job? because you're out of the house all the time and I'm here alone doing both jobs by myself.

Also- and this is number one: create a fund for yourself if you haven't already. When my mother decided to file for divorce, the first thing my father did was try to squeeze her financially. Most stay at home moms see a significant decrease in lifestyle when they get a divorce. My mother is SOOOO much happier now but it took some absolutely miserable years to get there. She went from playing tennis at the country club every day to getting her electricity cut off and working as a secretary. (and this is a woman who was an executive vp of a bank before she got married.) So it can happen to anyone, no matter your financial level. Think about getting a part time job and start quarreling away a couple hundred here and there, or maybe a thousand if your income is large enough- whatever will not be noticeable. That way you can choose to leave or to stay and your decision wont be based on financial duress.

The bolded, times a billion.

[Anonymous]

Op, my husband is the same, except he doesnt travel (but still does not participate much and likes to blame me).
In the short run divorce is not an option for me, I sah, so here's how I counter all that:
-never complain to my H- he will blame instead of supporting me. In fact the key was to stop expecting support from him.

- do individual counseling so that I am more assertive- I stopped readily taking the blame, so it is easier to dismiss his stupid allegations. I just nod and move on, never argue.

It does not make us closer, I must admit, as I feel like I am his employee and he is an annoying boss, but at least it spares me the fighting and all.
I am lucky that my kid is relatively average, no special needs, but of course he has his moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I understand, and I do take "responsibility" for things with the kids. I am far from a perfect parent. I do things like PEP, read a ton, and am a pretty up to speed parent. On the other hand, do I do everything perfectly and my kids respond in a text book way? Not at all. I guess I feel like my kids have some issues/challenges (most do!) and rather than help me with the frustration, work, etc. that comes with this, he lashes out at me.

OP, I think you do wayyyyyy too much explaining/apologizing and this might be why you ended up with a dude like that. You need to get a little more assertive. NO ONE is a perfect parents, that's impossible, so why even clarify that? Anyone who expects that is totally unreasonable. What matters is that your kids feel loved and supported by you, and feel that they are emotionally safe with you. It sounds like, unless your husband is ONLY directing that behavior towards you and not the kids which i doubt very much, that you do a much better job of making them feel emotionally safe than your husband does and that's what concerns me. It would really suck if your husbands emotionally abusive "you're worthless" schtick was being directed at little kids who are still emotionally vulnerable and still forming their senses of self.

You know, there's no real difference. The little girl gets it on some level that Dad is mad at Mum because of something she does wrong. Same for the little boy. Children pick that kind of vibe up and there's no fooling them. Their "father" is being emotionally abusive to them by being emotionally abusive to their mother. And they're learning from their parents what a marriage looks like, how a woman can be expected to get treated by a man, and how a man treats a woman. The whole dynamic is highly poisonous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I understand, and I do take "responsibility" for things with the kids. I am far from a perfect parent. I do things like PEP, read a ton, and am a pretty up to speed parent. On the other hand, do I do everything perfectly and my kids respond in a text book way? Not at all. I guess I feel like my kids have some issues/challenges (most do!) and rather than help me with the frustration, work, etc. that comes with this, he lashes out at me.

OP, I think you do wayyyyyy too much explaining/apologizing and this might be why you ended up with a dude like that. You need to get a little more assertive. NO ONE is a perfect parents, that's impossible, so why even clarify that? Anyone who expects that is totally unreasonable. What matters is that your kids feel loved and supported by you, and feel that they are emotionally safe with you. It sounds like, unless your husband is ONLY directing that behavior towards you and not the kids which i doubt very much, that you do a much better job of making them feel emotionally safe than your husband does and that's what concerns me. It would really suck if your husbands emotionally abusive "you're worthless" schtick was being directed at little kids who are still emotionally vulnerable and still forming their senses of self.

You know, there's no real difference. The little girl gets it on some level that Dad is mad at Mum because of something she does wrong. Same for the little boy. Children pick that kind of vibe up and there's no fooling them. Their "father" is being emotionally abusive to them by being emotionally abusive to their mother. And they're learning from their parents what a marriage looks like, how a woman can be expected to get treated by a man, and how a man treats a woman. The whole dynamic is highly poisonous.

+100 Wait until the kids get old enough to start dishing on their own. OUCH. Daddy did it -- now it's their turn. You will feel like an abused woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I understand, and I do take "responsibility" for things with the kids. I am far from a perfect parent. I do things like PEP, read a ton, and am a pretty up to speed parent. On the other hand, do I do everything perfectly and my kids respond in a text book way? Not at all. I guess I feel like my kids have some issues/challenges (most do!) and rather than help me with the frustration, work, etc. that comes with this, he lashes out at me.

OP, I think you do wayyyyyy too much explaining/apologizing and this might be why you ended up with a dude like that. You need to get a little more assertive. NO ONE is a perfect parents, that's impossible, so why even clarify that? Anyone who expects that is totally unreasonable. What matters is that your kids feel loved and supported by you, and feel that they are emotionally safe with you. It sounds like, unless your husband is ONLY directing that behavior towards you and not the kids which i doubt very much, that you do a much better job of making them feel emotionally safe than your husband does and that's what concerns me. It would really suck if your husbands emotionally abusive "you're worthless" schtick was being directed at little kids who are still emotionally vulnerable and still forming their senses of self.

You know, there's no real difference. The little girl gets it on some level that Dad is mad at Mum because of something she does wrong. Same for the little boy. Children pick that kind of vibe up and there's no fooling them. Their "father" is being emotionally abusive to them by being emotionally abusive to their mother. And they're learning from their parents what a marriage looks like, how a woman can be expected to get treated by a man, and how a man treats a woman. The whole dynamic is highly poisonous.

Exactly. I saw my dad do it to my mom and i STILL struggle with blaming her automatically of shit that goes wrong in the family, just because it's my go-to reaction. Even after years of therapy and being an ardent feminist who spends a lot of time researching abusive relationship dynamics. It will warp their thinking and attitude towards you, and towards themselves and what they deserve in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why did you marry him?

Completely agree. Of course, now all the board assholes will say "what's wrong with you? People change."

Those people are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Dump him.