Husband blames me for everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of my DH blaming me for everything that he doesn't like or that might embarrass him about our children:

My DD has dyslexia- I didn't read to her enough when little
My DS cries easily- I coddle him too much
MY DS is skinny-- I don't feed him well enough
MY DD doesn't seem to have a group of friends yet -- I don't do a good job of working on play dates, etc. for her
My DS got a concussion in sports- I coddle him
MY DS can't handle loud places well, making certain restaurants tough - I coddle him

To be fair, my son's sensitivities are sometimes difficult to deal with. I am the parent at home and my DH travels a lot, so I play both parental roles a large portion of the time. Trying to talk to him about this is pointless. I try, but I am getting angrier and angrier and the kids are now at an age that they can see what is going on. I am the only one who cooks, shops, does homework, arranges tutors, keeps up with their school, social, and extra-curricular needs. Just a vent I guess.

Sounds like you've let your husband do all the economic heavy lifting. Does he get to vent about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why did you marry him?

Completely agree. Of course, now all the board assholes will say "what's wrong with you? People change."

Those people are wrong.

x2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of my DH blaming me for everything that he doesn't like or that might embarrass him about our children:

My DD has dyslexia- I didn't read to her enough when little
My DS cries easily- I coddle him too much
MY DS is skinny-- I don't feed him well enough
MY DD doesn't seem to have a group of friends yet -- I don't do a good job of working on play dates, etc. for her
My DS got a concussion in sports- I coddle him
MY DS can't handle loud places well, making certain restaurants tough - I coddle him

To be fair, my son's sensitivities are sometimes difficult to deal with. I am the parent at home and my DH travels a lot, so I play both parental roles a large portion of the time. Trying to talk to him about this is pointless. I try, but I am getting angrier and angrier and the kids are now at an age that they can see what is going on. I am the only one who cooks, shops, does homework, arranges tutors, keeps up with their school, social, and extra-curricular needs. Just a vent I guess.

Sounds like you've let your husband do all the economic heavy lifting. Does he get to vent about that?

He does. And the situation is complicated on that front. I have money that allows us considerable comfort - it's not all on his back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so tired of my DH blaming me for everything that he doesn't like or that might embarrass him about our children:

My DD has dyslexia- I didn't read to her enough when little
My DS cries easily- I coddle him too much
MY DS is skinny-- I don't feed him well enough
MY DD doesn't seem to have a group of friends yet -- I don't do a good job of working on play dates, etc. for her
My DS got a concussion in sports- I coddle him
MY DS can't handle loud places well, making certain restaurants tough - I coddle him

To be fair, my son's sensitivities are sometimes difficult to deal with. I am the parent at home and my DH travels a lot, so I play both parental roles a large portion of the time. Trying to talk to him about this is pointless. I try, but I am getting angrier and angrier and the kids are now at an age that they can see what is going on. I am the only one who cooks, shops, does homework, arranges tutors, keeps up with their school, social, and extra-curricular needs. Just a vent I guess.

Sounds like you've let your husband do all the economic heavy lifting. Does he get to vent about that?

He does. And the situation is complicated on that front. I have money that allows us considerable comfort - it's not all on his back

In all honesty, if you are providing the funds too, I'm not exactly sure what this guy is adding to the relationship. He sounds like he really lucked out with you that you will put up with his emotional fits and also help him out financially.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Sounds to me like your husband is just being a judgmental jerk who doesn't really have a clue about being a parent.

Since it sounds like you are stuck w/the shmuck, I would just ignore his comments.

Easier said than done, but every time he tries to place the blame onto you I would simply turn the other cheek and simply look for some form of distraction and pretend he isn't there.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH also blames me for everything that goes wrong, and has for years. Often, he claims I've failed at something before it even happens. My conclusion is this is how he deals with his anxiety about feeling out of control. Can't blame the kids, is not satisfying to blame fate, can't possibly be accountable himself, so what is left to blame? Me. Anyway, I wish I'd done years ago what one PP said: tell him clearly and firmly not to speak disrespectfully to you. And I'd seek counseling. Didn't work for us, but there is a chance it might. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I understand, and I do take "responsibility" for things with the kids. I am far from a perfect parent. I do things like PEP, read a ton, and am a pretty up to speed parent. On the other hand, do I do everything perfectly and my kids respond in a text book way? Not at all. I guess I feel like my kids have some issues/challenges (most do!) and rather than help me with the frustration, work, etc. that comes with this, he lashes out at me.

OP, I think you do wayyyyyy too much explaining/apologizing and this might be why you ended up with a dude like that. You need to get a little more assertive. NO ONE is a perfect parents, that's impossible, so why even clarify that? Anyone who expects that is totally unreasonable. What matters is that your kids feel loved and supported by you, and feel that they are emotionally safe with you. It sounds like, unless your husband is ONLY directing that behavior towards you and not the kids which i doubt very much, that you do a much better job of making them feel emotionally safe than your husband does and that's what concerns me. It would really suck if your husbands emotionally abusive "you're worthless" schtick was being directed at little kids who are still emotionally vulnerable and still forming their senses of self.

You know, there's no real difference. The little girl gets it on some level that Dad is mad at Mum because of something she does wrong. Same for the little boy. Children pick that kind of vibe up and there's no fooling them. Their "father" is being emotionally abusive to them by being emotionally abusive to their mother. And they're learning from their parents what a marriage looks like, how a woman can be expected to get treated by a man, and how a man treats a woman. The whole dynamic is highly poisonous.

+100 Wait until the kids get old enough to start dishing on their own. OUCH. Daddy did it -- now it's their turn. You will feel like an abused woman.

I'm the poster you're quoting and wow, are you right. I hadn't thought of it from that angle, but you're spot on. They're going to emulate their "dad", especially the little boy. One's most powerful rolemodel is one's same-sex parent. He'll grow up with the idea that it's fine and dandy to treat Mum like crap. After all, that's what Daddy does, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why did you marry him?

Completely agree. Of course, now all the board assholes will say "what's wrong with you? People change."

Those people are wrong.

You're right that people don't change.

It's also true that women are socially conditioned to take a lot of shit by their partners because one "has to keep the home intact for the children" and the like, and, you know, he's not beating you or coming home drunk, he earns money, so what are you complaining about? Untill we remove this pukeworthy attitude from society, things will go wrong.

[Anonymous]

The marital strife is probably exacerbating the kids' issues. Don't saddle them with that: if you want out, decide and go. Agree with PP's who say he won't change: he may shift a bit at the margins but his blaming is probably ingrained.