Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Completely stop discussing this with your mother until you and your wife have made a decision.

[Anonymous]

agree. stop gossiping with your mother on everything OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay guys, OP here. Again. I went back and forth on continuing this thread, but ultimately I decided to update.

Many of the comments have been extremely harsh. Honestly though, that is not that shocking considering I am posting to an essentially all women/mother forum. You ladies empathize with the wife’s side, and I get that. It’s actually the relatable and natural position for you to take. I was pleased to see there were some comments that really “heard” where I was coming from. I’m not some complete jerk to my wife. I’m not perfect and neither is she. She has many wonderful qualities, but she can also be unforgiving and hold grudges, so it isn’t the easiest thing to side with her against someone I love. (I also wouldn’t side with someone else against her.)

Anyway, I took the advice to drop the idea of my wife and newborn attending the wedding. You all were loud and clear on that point. I have accepted her decision to not attend. I told her I willl be traveling Thursday - Monday and she gave me the green light. The tricky part is my son. She is still refusing to allow me to take him. We had a spirited discussion regarding it and are currently at an impasse. I have spoken to my mom about the situation and she has assured me that she will be happy to help care for my son basically the whole wedding, anytime I need anything. Due to the issues between my wife and my parents, my parents have spent very very little time with my son. (He is their only grandchild at this time.) So they are very eager. There will also be several Aunts, female cousins and friends of my mother present, some of whom I’m certain would pitch in.

My wife is being extremely emotional and unwilling to even entertain a calm and rational conversation about me taking my own kid to my brothers wedding. Surely many of you can see that that is not right. Right? She has stated that if i take my son, it will do such irreparable damage to the marriage that we likely wouldn’t survive. How would you respond to this? To those of you who at least can see that I have the right to take my son with me. Help me out here. I’d love to hear how you would frame your argument, and if you’ve ever been in a situation like this before. (One where you disagreed on something regarding your child and how you came to a solution.)

Just don't take him.

You can't train a bunch of 60 yos on how to take care of a 1 or 2 yo while hosting a wedding. No way.

I have a 1 yo and 3 yo and neither set of parents remembers anything about raising kids 60 years ago. They're nuts. Have some gatorade, no need for a nap. One grandpa almost ran over one toddler on two separate occasions when reparking his car - did n't realize the kid follows everyone around. Still doesn't realize it! our youngest had her finger in the inner hinge of a heavy porch door when the wind blew it shut and swashed her thumb at their house, right in front of 5 of them! They were too busy chit-chatting to see any danger with the kid. They just don't see it! they don't think like a 24/7 caregiver like a mother or father or nanny would. Must be on the ball 24/7.

After the nerve damage thumb incident no one said a think. They looked awful and torn, and knew they had hurt their grandchild. No one in that room was paying attention to that child. And this wasn't even at a wedding or major holiday. Some people cannot be trusted to watch young children. We all have some of those in our lives. For us it is one grandma and the grandfather from the other side. Not their cup of tea and it is dangerous.

We even canceled a reunion weekend trip since we did not feel right about leaving a baby and 2.5 yo at the time with one set of grandparents. Of course, they would have loved it, but they were naive and didn't understand what they had volunteered to do. We pulled the plug on it. Now that the kids will be older soon, can speak up, and drive their own routines, it might work out. But both sets of grandparents are not local, they are not surrounded by little kids and seeing childcare in action. That makes it worse, to step into that role after 50 years off and no exposure to babies or toddlers except 1 or 2x a year. Not cool.

My FIL is a wonderful man. I love him dearly. He always wants to babysit the kids, so I thought I could trust him to play with the kids one afternoon. He gave my three and five year olds a box of wood and power tools. I found my son happily waving a drill at my daughter and my daughter swinging an axe around. THANKFULLY nothing happened, but he had no idea. None. He kept complaining that I was “keeping my kids too safe”. He is a wonderful man but not to be trusted to watch young kids.

[Anonymous]

Op, there are aspects of parenting that you know nothing about, things that don’t occur to you bc someone else has always taken care of them and you can take that for granted.

Educate yourself.
http://time.com/money/4561314/women-work-home-gender-gap/

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/women-are-overburdened-with-their-families-mental-loads.html

And you still have several months to show your wife that you can step up and care for your child, independent of help from others. And separate all of that from this wedding trip. You will not be able to take care of your toddler and be the best man and drink and socialize and be present at the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Expecting a woman to travel on a three hour flight 6 weeks PP with a toddler and a newborn, while you perform best man duties all weekend, is actually unreasonable.

She, on the other hand is being perfectly reasonable by staying home and encouraging you to go. If you believe you have enough help there, go and take your toddler so she can stay home and recover with the new born.

I also wouldn’t be keen on travelling on a flight that long with a newborn, before they’ve had vaccinations.

+ 1. Just go yourself and let her stay home. The trip would be a nightmare for her and you should understand that instead of assuming it’s some ploy to limit your parents’ access to your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, how is this even a question? Honestly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel like you are WILDLY clueless about what having a 2 year old at a family wedding will be like. Are you not going to want to be socializing with your brother / the groomsmen / the other guests from your hometown?? A 2 year old requires literal 24/7 attention when he's awake - and they also need naps and early bedtimes - which means someone has to leave and sit in the room with him. I don't see how you don't know this if you really are such a hands-on parent, but socializing while watching a two year old equals multiple 3-4 minute conversations where you're only half paying attention because you're also constantly keeping one eye on your toddler and making sure he stays right within your orbit. You're constantly being interrupted (or interrupting the other person talking to you to tell your toddler to stay over here or don't touch that or whatever). If you think a 2 year old in a big room of new people is going to just let you hold him for a few hours while you work the room, you're dreaming. It will be an hindrance on your weekend - your primary role will switch from best man to caretaker. Who is going to take care of him during the rehearsal? What about the rehearsal dinner, who is going to sit with him and feed him and entertain him rather than being up at the bar and socializing with everyone else? Who is going to leave the festivities niiiice and early when his bedtime hits and he gets cranky? And hey, if he's anything like my kids he won't sleep too well in a new place so prepare for a nighttime battle and not feeling well rested the next day. In the morning, I'm guessing all the groomsmen will be getting together to hang out, drink, smoke cigars, have guy time, get ready...not a place a two year old will be welcome. You're going to want to be a part of that fun, and resent having to schedule your day around toddler breakfast and snack time and leaving repeatedly to walk him up and down the hall because he's restless, and then toddler afternoon nap (hard to think this wouldn't interfere with everyone else going to the wedding on time - someone will have to miss something to stay and sit with him. And you absolutely do NOT want him to miss his nap or have a short one...you'll be paying for that alll evening). You'll be bummed having to miss out of half the fun of the "getting ready" part of the day, and here's the thing: when it comes down to it, your mom is going to feel the same way. The bride and mother of the bride and all the bridesmaids will be doing the whole getting ready thing themselves, and she'll likely be there for at least part of it. And even if not, there will be pictures, and she'll be wanting to focus on getting ready herself - does she have a hair r makeup appointment that day? I'd guess yes. She likes the idea of getting to see your son throughout the day, and hang out with him when it's fun / convenient for her...but when it comes to the less fun stuff like someone having to miss out on part of the day, dealing with him having meltdowns or just generally being restless or overstimulated...you're the one on the hook. As it should be. You also mention that he doesn't really know them - this is not the time to attempt that! He's going to be fussy and just want you, not happily leaping from random cousin to random aunt's arms giggling, as you seem to envision. And all these random female cousins / aunts you've mentioned, whom you seem to assume will just be leaping at the chance to take on a day's work of childcare because they're women ( )? Come on. Yes they'll be excited to see your little guy and interact with him for 5-10 minutes...they'll be all about having a dance with him (if he lets it happen). But being the babysitter for a day?? Lol. No! They're excited for the family wedding, they want to get dressed up and drink and eat and dance and have fun, not have babysitting duty dumped on them. If you tried to do this to me I would walk your kid back to you every time...although I probably wouldn't have to, I'm guessing he will see you and run to you throughout the night. You are being way too blasé in your approach to this. It almost seems redundant to go on, but like others have said who is transporting him? Who will carry the diaper bag around and change him? Who is going to be responsible for him during the actual ceremony? Will have to be someone who he's somehow willing to sit with, and who is willing to jump up and leave (and miss the wedding) at a moment's notice if he gets upset. Any ideas there? Then we have cocktail hour, appetizers, dinner, speeches, dances, dessert...like I said, if your son is there you will have. Million people coming up to you to say hi there cutie! and interact with him for a minute...but then they'll move on. The actual responsibility for taking care of / watching / entertaining him for the whole night is you. Speaking from experience, you will have more stress than fun. You won't get to let loose and catch up with everyone. That's just how it is.

holy paragraphs, batman!

+1. Didn’t bother reading; it’s too difficult in this format.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel like you are WILDLY clueless about what having a 2 year old at a family wedding will be like. Are you not going to want to be socializing with your brother / the groomsmen / the other guests from your hometown?? A 2 year old requires literal 24/7 attention when he's awake - and they also need naps and early bedtimes - which means someone has to leave and sit in the room with him. I don't see how you don't know this if you really are such a hands-on parent, but socializing while watching a two year old equals multiple 3-4 minute conversations where you're only half paying attention because you're also constantly keeping one eye on your toddler and making sure he stays right within your orbit. You're constantly being interrupted (or interrupting the other person talking to you to tell your toddler to stay over here or don't touch that or whatever). If you think a 2 year old in a big room of new people is going to just let you hold him for a few hours while you work the room, you're dreaming. It will be an hindrance on your weekend - your primary role will switch from best man to caretaker. Who is going to take care of him during the rehearsal? What about the rehearsal dinner, who is going to sit with him and feed him and entertain him rather than being up at the bar and socializing with everyone else? Who is going to leave the festivities niiiice and early when his bedtime hits and he gets cranky? And hey, if he's anything like my kids he won't sleep too well in a new place so prepare for a nighttime battle and not feeling well rested the next day. In the morning, I'm guessing all the groomsmen will be getting together to hang out, drink, smoke cigars, have guy time, get ready...not a place a two year old will be welcome. You're going to want to be a part of that fun, and resent having to schedule your day around toddler breakfast and snack time and leaving repeatedly to walk him up and down the hall because he's restless, and then toddler afternoon nap (hard to think this wouldn't interfere with everyone else going to the wedding on time - someone will have to miss something to stay and sit with him. And you absolutely do NOT want him to miss his nap or have a short one...you'll be paying for that alll evening). You'll be bummed having to miss out of half the fun of the "getting ready" part of the day, and here's the thing: when it comes down to it, your mom is going to feel the same way. The bride and mother of the bride and all the bridesmaids will be doing the whole getting ready thing themselves, and she'll likely be there for at least part of it. And even if not, there will be pictures, and she'll be wanting to focus on getting ready herself - does she have a hair r makeup appointment that day? I'd guess yes. She likes the idea of getting to see your son throughout the day, and hang out with him when it's fun / convenient for her...but when it comes to the less fun stuff like someone having to miss out on part of the day, dealing with him having meltdowns or just generally being restless or overstimulated...you're the one on the hook. As it should be. You also mention that he doesn't really know them - this is not the time to attempt that! He's going to be fussy and just want you, not happily leaping from random cousin to random aunt's arms giggling, as you seem to envision. And all these random female cousins / aunts you've mentioned, whom you seem to assume will just be leaping at the chance to take on a day's work of childcare because they're women ( )? Come on. Yes they'll be excited to see your little guy and interact with him for 5-10 minutes...they'll be all about having a dance with him (if he lets it happen). But being the babysitter for a day?? Lol. No! They're excited for the family wedding, they want to get dressed up and drink and eat and dance and have fun, not have babysitting duty dumped on them. If you tried to do this to me I would walk your kid back to you every time...although I probably wouldn't have to, I'm guessing he will see you and run to you throughout the night. You are being way too blasé in your approach to this. It almost seems redundant to go on, but like others have said who is transporting him? Who will carry the diaper bag around and change him? Who is going to be responsible for him during the actual ceremony? Will have to be someone who he's somehow willing to sit with, and who is willing to jump up and leave (and miss the wedding) at a moment's notice if he gets upset. Any ideas there? Then we have cocktail hour, appetizers, dinner, speeches, dances, dessert...like I said, if your son is there you will have. Million people coming up to you to say hi there cutie! and interact with him for a minute...but then they'll move on. The actual responsibility for taking care of / watching / entertaining him for the whole night is you. Speaking from experience, you will have more stress than fun. You won't get to let loose and catch up with everyone. That's just how it is.

holy paragraphs, batman!

+1. Didn’t bother reading; it’s too difficult in this format.

This is useful and really contributes to the discussion! So glad you took the time to post and share your genius insight with us. /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel like you are WILDLY clueless about what having a 2 year old at a family wedding will be like. Are you not going to want to be socializing with your brother / the groomsmen / the other guests from your hometown?? A 2 year old requires literal 24/7 attention when he's awake - and they also need naps and early bedtimes - which means someone has to leave and sit in the room with him. I don't see how you don't know this if you really are such a hands-on parent, but socializing while watching a two year old equals multiple 3-4 minute conversations where you're only half paying attention because you're also constantly keeping one eye on your toddler and making sure he stays right within your orbit. You're constantly being interrupted (or interrupting the other person talking to you to tell your toddler to stay over here or don't touch that or whatever). If you think a 2 year old in a big room of new people is going to just let you hold him for a few hours while you work the room, you're dreaming. It will be an hindrance on your weekend - your primary role will switch from best man to caretaker. Who is going to take care of him during the rehearsal? What about the rehearsal dinner, who is going to sit with him and feed him and entertain him rather than being up at the bar and socializing with everyone else? Who is going to leave the festivities niiiice and early when his bedtime hits and he gets cranky? And hey, if he's anything like my kids he won't sleep too well in a new place so prepare for a nighttime battle and not feeling well rested the next day. In the morning, I'm guessing all the groomsmen will be getting together to hang out, drink, smoke cigars, have guy time, get ready...not a place a two year old will be welcome. You're going to want to be a part of that fun, and resent having to schedule your day around toddler breakfast and snack time and leaving repeatedly to walk him up and down the hall because he's restless, and then toddler afternoon nap (hard to think this wouldn't interfere with everyone else going to the wedding on time - someone will have to miss something to stay and sit with him. And you absolutely do NOT want him to miss his nap or have a short one...you'll be paying for that alll evening). You'll be bummed having to miss out of half the fun of the "getting ready" part of the day, and here's the thing: when it comes down to it, your mom is going to feel the same way. The bride and mother of the bride and all the bridesmaids will be doing the whole getting ready thing themselves, and she'll likely be there for at least part of it. And even if not, there will be pictures, and she'll be wanting to focus on getting ready herself - does she have a hair r makeup appointment that day? I'd guess yes. She likes the idea of getting to see your son throughout the day, and hang out with him when it's fun / convenient for her...but when it comes to the less fun stuff like someone having to miss out on part of the day, dealing with him having meltdowns or just generally being restless or overstimulated...you're the one on the hook. As it should be. You also mention that he doesn't really know them - this is not the time to attempt that! He's going to be fussy and just want you, not happily leaping from random cousin to random aunt's arms giggling, as you seem to envision. And all these random female cousins / aunts you've mentioned, whom you seem to assume will just be leaping at the chance to take on a day's work of childcare because they're women ( )? Come on. Yes they'll be excited to see your little guy and interact with him for 5-10 minutes...they'll be all about having a dance with him (if he lets it happen). But being the babysitter for a day?? Lol. No! They're excited for the family wedding, they want to get dressed up and drink and eat and dance and have fun, not have babysitting duty dumped on them. If you tried to do this to me I would walk your kid back to you every time...although I probably wouldn't have to, I'm guessing he will see you and run to you throughout the night. You are being way too blasé in your approach to this. It almost seems redundant to go on, but like others have said who is transporting him? Who will carry the diaper bag around and change him? Who is going to be responsible for him during the actual ceremony? Will have to be someone who he's somehow willing to sit with, and who is willing to jump up and leave (and miss the wedding) at a moment's notice if he gets upset. Any ideas there? Then we have cocktail hour, appetizers, dinner, speeches, dances, dessert...like I said, if your son is there you will have. Million people coming up to you to say hi there cutie! and interact with him for a minute...but then they'll move on. The actual responsibility for taking care of / watching / entertaining him for the whole night is you. Speaking from experience, you will have more stress than fun. You won't get to let loose and catch up with everyone. That's just how it is.

holy paragraphs, batman!

+1. Didn’t bother reading; it’s too difficult in this format.

It’s actually a very thoughtful response. Hopefully op reads it.

[Anonymous]

Op, take your disdain for your wife out. Do you think you brother and future SIL want their best man and the grooms mom babysitting during the biggest day of their lives? You are short changing your brother and don't even see it because you want so badly to hurt your wife and get your way. Let your brother have his mom and best man their for him that day. Not watching a cranky toddler. You should be so thankful your wife is willing to keep both so you can have fun with family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, take your disdain for your wife out. Do you think you brother and future SIL want their best man and the grooms mom babysitting during the biggest day of their lives? You are short changing your brother and don't even see it because you want so badly to hurt your wife and get your way. Let your brother have his mom and best man their for him that day. Not watching a cranky toddler. You should be so thankful your wife is willing to keep both so you can have fun with family!

+1

This struck me as well. OP is making his brother's wedding about him and his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, take your disdain for your wife out. Do you think you brother and future SIL want their best man and the grooms mom babysitting during the biggest day of their lives? You are short changing your brother and don't even see it because you want so badly to hurt your wife and get your way. Let your brother have his mom and best man their for him that day. Not watching a cranky toddler. You should be so thankful your wife is willing to keep both so you can have fun with family!

+1

This struck me as well. OP is making his brother's wedding about him and his child.

Yep - so Op can irreparably damage two relationships by taking toddler to the wedding: with his wife and with his brother when toddler makes a scene or when best man or grandma have to leave early to put him to bed.

[Anonymous]

Yes! This is a perfect example of not being able to "See the forest for the trees". OP is so hell bent on being right and being able to take his toddler just to prove something to his wife (i guess that he is a jerk who puts his mother over her) that he can't see that his brother may likely NOT want this kid at the wedding without the kids mom there to help out.
What groom wants his mom on babysitting duty at his wedding? What bride wants a cranky toddler at the wedding with no designated person in charge of caring for him.
What couple wants their best man not able to drink or participate in pretty much all wedding fun because he had a point to prove to his wife.
Seriously dude. She is giving you a pass to go and have fun with NO kids. My god man. Take it. You look like the biggest chump here trying to prove some point that just isn't worth it.

[Anonymous]

Damn, OP. I feel like I have to use that DCUM phrase, "you're a piece of work."

Just go to the wedding by yourself. If you so badly want to take your son to see your parents, do it another time. Taking a two year old to your brother's wedding is not kind to your brother or your mom. She should be able to dote on your brother during this time, and be gracious to his bride and her family. She'll be meeting lots of people she's never met before. She may need/want more time with your son, but HER OWN SON'S WEDDING IS NOT THE TIME. Is this about you wanting to keep your brother from being the center of attention? Or is it really just about exerting your power over your wife?

You should be doing the same thing. You should have your brother's back, and get to know his wife's family and friends and make a good impression, and delight in his new phase of life. You should NOT be running after a toddler the whole time. (Nor should your mom.) If you had to bring him for some reason, you should hire a sitter. But you don't have to!

Wow. You are making me so grateful for my own husband.

[Anonymous]

You guys seriously don't think this is a troll?