MIL hates my mom

[Anonymous]

My ILs and parents got in a disagreement over our wedding (5+ years ago) and while my parents don't really hold grudges, my MIL in particular has been cold toward my mother ever since. They are civil, kiss hello at kids b-day parties and they invited my parents to my BILs wedding, etc. but not too friendly (my MIL avoids her presence, doesn't ask too many questions, never invites them over when they are in town, etc.). This has always bothered me (My mom notices it, but it bothers me more) and recently I asked my MIL to make more of an effort to be less cold to my mom. Not best friends, just don't avoid her when you see her.

She was quiet about it in the moment and then later in private, had a long talk with my DH about how she doesn't want me to mention it anymore. She said she was hurt by an action at the wedding (a religious issue -- and we are the same religion, go figure) and can't get over it and won't get over it. She said that while she genuinely loves and likes me, she thinks I put my mother on a pedestal and doesn't want to hear how my mother is a saint anymore. She also said how she feels unappreciated by me and that I don't treat my MIL like a mom.

I have complicated feelings about my MIL. She helps me out with my kids and does nice things like bring over take out, etc., but has said degrading things about my DH, and overall It really does bother me that she is apologetically rude to my mom. I don't like to see my mother be treated poorly and I find it unfair that my mother in law is the rude one here, but I can't mention how it bothers me or why my mother deserves more respect. Part of me wants to move back where my parents live and not have to deal with ILs on a regular basis, but that can't happen anytime soon. Part of me want to stop seeing my ILs so frequently (I see her at least once a week, sometimes more) but that means my kids wouldn't see her and I don't want to do that to them. I do appreciate her, but the things she does as well as her somewhat odd/cold personality make me feel distant from her.

Communicating hasn't worked and she basically asked me to stop communicating about it. I'm not really sure what my next move is. I just want her to understand that by being rude to my mom she is being rude to me.

[Anonymous]

What exactly did your mom do? Sorry, details matter.

What does your DH have to say about all of this?

[Anonymous]

You can't make two people be friends. Your mil is polite to your mother. That should be enough. I can't celieve you expect your mil to invite your parents over to their home. You were out of line here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't make two people be friends. Your mil is polite to your mother. That should be enough. I can't celieve you expect your mil to invite your parents over to their home. You were out of line here.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs and parents got in a disagreement over our wedding (5+ years ago) and while my parents don't really hold grudges, my MIL in particular has been cold toward my mother ever since. They are civil, kiss hello at kids b-day parties and they invited my parents to my BILs wedding, etc. but not too friendly (my MIL avoids her presence, doesn't ask too many questions, never invites them over when they are in town, etc.). This has always bothered me (My mom notices it, but it bothers me more) and recently I asked my MIL to make more of an effort to be less cold to my mom. Not best friends, just don't avoid her when you see her.

She was quiet about it in the moment and then later in private, had a long talk with my DH about how she doesn't want me to mention it anymore. She said she was hurt by an action at the wedding (a religious issue -- and we are the same religion, go figure) and can't get over it and won't get over it. She said that while she genuinely loves and likes me, she thinks I put my mother on a pedestal and doesn't want to hear how my mother is a saint anymore. She also said how she feels unappreciated by me and that I don't treat my MIL like a mom.

I have complicated feelings about my MIL. She helps me out with my kids and does nice things like bring over take out, etc., but has said degrading things about my DH, and overall It really does bother me that she is apologetically rude to my mom. I don't like to see my mother be treated poorly and I find it unfair that my mother in law is the rude one here, but I can't mention how it bothers me or why my mother deserves more respect. Part of me wants to move back where my parents live and not have to deal with ILs on a regular basis, but that can't happen anytime soon. Part of me want to stop seeing my ILs so frequently (I see her at least once a week, sometimes more) but that means my kids wouldn't see her and I don't want to do that to them. I do appreciate her, but the things she does as well as her somewhat odd/cold personality make me feel distant from her.

Communicating hasn't worked and she basically asked me to stop communicating about it. I'm not really sure what my next move is. I just want her to understand that by being rude to my mom she is being rude to me.

OP, I have to agree with others: you are out of line. You've given no examples where your MIL is rude to your mother. In your words, she is civil and has even invited her to family events. But in your mind, that is not enough. You state that your MIL is "unapologetically rude" yet there are no examples to support this. You want your MIL to invite your mother into her home. It sounds like your MIL doesn't want to be best friends with your mom. It sounds like, though, she is polite enough. That's all she required to do. It's her prerogative. YOU don't get to dictate whether people invite your mother into their home. YOU don't get to dictate whether someone likes your mom or not. You need to back way up on this one.

[Anonymous]

Just adding to the consensus. Your MIL is already bringing polite to your mother. You can't make them be friends.

[Anonymous]

Well someone is certainly a problem here. Hint, it isn't your MIL

[Anonymous]

How wonderful for your children to have such involved grandparents. Count your blessing first.

[Anonymous]

I'm of two minds here. You are both wrong.

Your MIL is wrong to hold a grudge about something that happened at a wedding. She is petty and immature. She is also wrong for asking you why you respect and love your own mother more than her. Ridiculous. It's your own mother!! Of course you have a deeper love and respect for her.

You, however, are wrong for trying to get some kind of relationship going here and thinking that this needs to be work for them. It doesn't. It's just fine that they are polite to each other and civil. They don't need to be friends just because you love them. Not everyone in your life is going to like each other.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you are both wrong. Yes, it is very nice to see the families where all the in-laws get along but not everyone has that and you have to accept that you don't have that and will not have that. Yes, your MIL needs to get over the wedding but your DH needs to tell her to do that. You also need to think about your behavior -- do you talk about your mother a lot when she is around? Why? Maybe try complimenting your MIL? Sounds like she does a lot for you guys and is good with the kids? Maybe she just wants some acknowledgment of her role in your lives. Look, I get where you're coming from -- my MIL has been holding a grudge from the wedding for 15 years. My mom passed away before I got married but she hates my step mother and she is barely respectful to my father. They all said hello (and that's it) at dc's bris and first couple bday parties. We moved away so they haven't seen each other since. I am dreading dc's upcoming bar mitzvah where they will all be in the same room for several functions over a weekend. My point is: it could be worse .

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is being very passive aggressive. She is an adult. Her DH is married to you. She should have kept her opinion of you and your mother's relationship to herself, but she didn't and now you know. No one should disrespect some one else's mother in a family situation. Your MIL has a problem. That said, you probably will not be able to fix it. Coldly polite is really not acceptable-- that is adult bullying. I would avoid having them over together by not inviting MIL. You cannot make them be friends, but it sounds like it goes far beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Who is holding a grudge? At least your MIL is up front about it. You are holding one too and not admitting it.

You MIL had a private conversation with her son. She is allowed to do that. Your DH was wrong to out his mother in the position of revealing her thoughts to you. You are also wrong in holding what she says about her son against her. She clearly loves him and you and your kids. We all say mean things about the ones we love but truly don't mean them.

You need to let it go. They are barely in laws. They don't need to be friends and sure as hell don't have to have any sort of relationship outside seeing each other at your house for bdays and holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs and parents got in a disagreement over our wedding (5+ years ago) and while my parents don't really hold grudges, my MIL in particular has been cold toward my mother ever since. They are civil, kiss hello at kids b-day parties and they invited my parents to my BILs wedding, etc. but not too friendly (my MIL avoids her presence, doesn't ask too many questions, never invites them over when they are in town, etc.). This has always bothered me (My mom notices it, but it bothers me more) and recently I asked my MIL to make more of an effort to be less cold to my mom. Not best friends, just don't avoid her when you see her.

She was quiet about it in the moment and then later in private, had a long talk with my DH about how she doesn't want me to mention it anymore. She said she was hurt by an action at the wedding (a religious issue -- and we are the same religion, go figure) and can't get over it and won't get over it. She said that while she genuinely loves and likes me, she thinks I put my mother on a pedestal and doesn't want to hear how my mother is a saint anymore. She also said how she feels unappreciated by me and that I don't treat my MIL like a mom.
I have complicated feelings about my MIL. She helps me out with my kids and does nice things like bring over take out, etc., but has said degrading things about my DH, and overall It really does bother me that she is apologetically rude to my mom. I don't like to see my mother be treated poorly and I find it unfair that my mother in law is the rude one here, but I can't mention how it bothers me or why my mother deserves more respect. Part of me wants to move back where my parents live and not have to deal with ILs on a regular basis, but that can't happen anytime soon. Part of me want to stop seeing my ILs so frequently (I see her at least once a week, sometimes more) but that means my kids wouldn't see her and I don't want to do that to them. I do appreciate her, but the things she does as well as her somewhat odd/cold personality make me feel distant from her.

Communicating hasn't worked and she basically asked me to stop communicating about it. I'm not really sure what my next move is. I just want her to understand that by being rude to my mom she is being rude to me.

Your MIL sounds VERY manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is being very passive aggressive. She is an adult. Her DH is married to you. She should have kept her opinion of you and your mother's relationship to herself, but she didn't and now you know. No one should disrespect some one else's mother in a family situation. Your MIL has a problem. That said, you probably will not be able to fix it. Coldly polite is really not acceptable-- that is adult bullying. I would avoid having them over together by not inviting MIL. You cannot make them be friends, but it sounds like it goes far beyond that.

This is nuts. Your MIL is not the villain and "punishing" her only really affects the grandchildren. Why does she have to like your mother ?? As long as she is polite, which you have already said she is, then what's the problem? Stop acting like a child having a temper tantrum!! Your MIL is at least an adult in explaining to your DH how she feels.

Stop trying to manipulate the situation.

[Anonymous]

A few things:

1) Have your mother and MIL interact as little as possible. That means MIL doesn't get to come over when your mom comes to visit, unless it's something like a child's birthday or celebrating a major holiday. Just don't overlap. If your mom lives far away, MIL can deal with not seeing you for a week while she visits.

2) You see your MIL more than once a week? That's a lot. I think it's totally ok to have her a bit less involved in your lives, particularly as the kids get older and busier. Less interaction may actually help you deal with this better. And, please, it's not punishing anyone to see them three times a month instead of six. That's still a good deal of time.

3) You can't fix this. I think people often put really high expectations on IL relationships, when if we just hoped for friendly we'd all do a lot better. Accept the reality you got, rather than the dream that you wanted.

4) I wonder if DH really did you any favors telling you some of the details of those conversations. It's not like you and MIL are going to talk about it, so there's not much you can do other than try to drop it and move on. And, frankly, your MIL is insane if she can't just shut up and be grateful that you guys live close by and that she gets to see the grandkids all the time thanks to her gracious DIL. Sheesh.