MIL hates my mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things:

1) Have your mother and MIL interact as little as possible. That means MIL doesn't get to come over when your mom comes to visit, unless it's something like a child's birthday or celebrating a major holiday. Just don't overlap. If your mom lives far away, MIL can deal with not seeing you for a week while she visits.

2) You see your MIL more than once a week? That's a lot. I think it's totally ok to have her a bit less involved in your lives, particularly as the kids get older and busier. Less interaction may actually help you deal with this better. And, please, it's not punishing anyone to see them three times a month instead of six. That's still a good deal of time.

3) You can't fix this. I think people often put really high expectations on IL relationships, when if we just hoped for friendly we'd all do a lot better. Accept the reality you got, rather than the dream that you wanted.

4) I wonder if DH really did you any favors telling you some of the details of those conversations. It's not like you and MIL are going to talk about it, so there's not much you can do other than try to drop it and move on. And, frankly, your MIL is insane if she can't just shut up and be grateful that you guys live close by and that she gets to see the grandkids all the time thanks to her gracious DIL. Sheesh.

This PP has a lot of good advice, but I think what this boils down to is the bolded. I also wish my MIL and mother got along better than they do. My mother felt slighted when my MIL didn't invite her to my BIL's rehearsal dinner and asked if she would babysit our daughter during the dinner...it's been almost three years and my mother has been very chilly to my MIL ever since. I definitely understand my mom's feelings were hurt, but she's also one to keep a hurt and turn it into a grudge, and that's sad to me. But I also realize I can't make her want to go out to lunch with my MIL, so I don't press it. Trying to control another person's behavior is so frustrating, OP - don't get caught up in it.

I am the OP. The advice above is fantastic! Thank you! I have to say I was really shocked about all the comments saying I was out of line, but in a way it's good to hear.

Some thoughts:

She wanted my DH to tell me about the conversation. Specifically to stop mentioning my mother as a saint and asking her to be nicer to her.
My Mil is civil as in she doesn't refuse to be in the same room as my mom, but she says hello, and leaves. This isn't polite to me.

My Sister has both sets of families close by and they have eachother over for holidays, etc. and I am jealous of that. But I just need to accept that this won't happen for me. And I do realize it could be worse.

It just bothers me that my MIL has this idea about my mom that totally constricts with how I view my mother. She also 100 percent believes she did something which I don't think she did (related to wedding) and that bothers me.

I also feel it's unfair that she gets to hold the grudge, but I Have to treat her perfectly. It is clear to me know that my only option is to get over it, but why can't that be her option? There are lots of people in my life I don't like, but put on a happy face to my things easier.

OP I know you want family peace, but your MIL is the problem. You won't change her, but you have to be the bigger person. I also would not give her airtime for her grudge. Treat that as the K behavior that it is. Your MIL is out of line in this situation. Going to your DH and complaining about you and your mom and then having him be the messenger is very manipulative (because it pulls him in and makes him have to take a side in her grudge)

[Anonymous]

OP I reread your post. It is very important to set boundaries with your ILs. One is that she must be respectful about your mother. Posters are misinterpreting and saying that you want them to be BFFs. No you want her to show some respect. Your MIL cannot buy you by bringing some take out over, and then feel free to insult both you and your DH and your wedding of 5+ years ago. Classic manipulation. Set boundaries and stick to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't make two people be friends. Your mil is polite to your mother. That should be enough. I can't celieve you expect your mil to invite your parents over to their home. You were out of line here.

I agree that you can't force a friendship or even good feelings between them.
Your MIL is polite and that is the most important thi. It doesn't sound like it's bothering your mom all that much and thankfully it doesn't seem like it's disrupted the close bond you have with your mom, which is surely more important to your mom than the dynamic with your MIL.
It sounds like your kids have good relationships with both sets of grandparents. I would let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I reread your post. It is very important to set boundaries with your ILs. One is that she must be respectful about your mother. Posters are misinterpreting and saying that you want them to be BFFs. No you want her to show some respect. Your MIL cannot buy you by bringing some take out over, and then feel free to insult both you and your DH and your wedding of 5+ years ago. Classic manipulation. Set boundaries and stick to them.

But what exactly does "respect" look like? Or to turn it around, what is the MIL doing that is disrespectful to the mother? What are the exact words and gestures that MIL is doing that can be construed as disrespectful?

[Anonymous]

I think its disrespectful of the MIL to say that OP puts her mother on a pedestal and that she "doesn't want to hear how [her] mother is a saint anymore." She is making it very clear to OP that she has a problem with her mother and doesn't like her. That is extremely disrespectful. MIL does not have to have a close relationship with OP's mother by any means, but she needs to keep comments like these to herself.

It seems that MIL wants to be the "dominant" parent figure in your life, which is ridiculous. She seems to be jealous of your relationship with your mother, especially since she complains that you don't treat her as a mother. What does she expect? You have a mother and you very clearly love her and think highly of her. MIL needs to accept that. How would she feel if the tables were reversed, specifically, that your mom expected your husband to treat her as a mother? I bet she would NOT be happy about that.