MIL hates my mom

[Anonymous]

My parents have a very good relationship with my ILs. And it is due to the fact that I have made it a point that they keep their distance from each other. I do not expect anything more than basic politeness from each set of parents to another.

So they are like acquaintances and thus on the best behavior in front of each other. The hearts and minds are not involved.

I also DO NOT DISCUSS any set of parents with the other. I give very brief amount of info to them.

I let my kids and parents/ILs have whatever kind of relationship they want with each other. I facilitate but do not interfere.

OP, there is no reason for the two set of grandparents to be friends. As long as politeness and courteous behavior is being followed by both sets - you should not worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did your mom do? Sorry, details matter.

Details don't matter. OP, don't answer this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things:

1) Have your mother and MIL interact as little as possible. That means MIL doesn't get to come over when your mom comes to visit, unless it's something like a child's birthday or celebrating a major holiday. Just don't overlap. If your mom lives far away, MIL can deal with not seeing you for a week while she visits.

2) You see your MIL more than once a week? That's a lot. I think it's totally ok to have her a bit less involved in your lives, particularly as the kids get older and busier. Less interaction may actually help you deal with this better. And, please, it's not punishing anyone to see them three times a month instead of six. That's still a good deal of time.

3) You can't fix this. I think people often put really high expectations on IL relationships, when if we just hoped for friendly we'd all do a lot better. Accept the reality you got, rather than the dream that you wanted.

4) I wonder if DH really did you any favors telling you some of the details of those conversations. It's not like you and MIL are going to talk about it, so there's not much you can do other than try to drop it and move on. And, frankly, your MIL is insane if she can't just shut up and be grateful that you guys live close by and that she gets to see the grandkids all the time thanks to her gracious DIL. Sheesh.

This PP has a lot of good advice, but I think what this boils down to is the bolded. I also wish my MIL and mother got along better than they do. My mother felt slighted when my MIL didn't invite her to my BIL's rehearsal dinner and asked if she would babysit our daughter during the dinner...it's been almost three years and my mother has been very chilly to my MIL ever since. I definitely understand my mom's feelings were hurt, but she's also one to keep a hurt and turn it into a grudge, and that's sad to me. But I also realize I can't make her want to go out to lunch with my MIL, so I don't press it. Trying to control another person's behavior is so frustrating, OP - don't get caught up in it.

[Anonymous]

My mom hates my MIL. MIL doesn't get it and tries to create a bond. It's draining for everyone. We keep them apart when possible.

[Anonymous]

They are civil, that's good enough. Respect your MIL's wishes and let it go at that.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you can't force them to like each other, and being civil is good.

DH kind of puts my family on a pedestal sometimes when talking to his own family and they roll their eyes and say things like "well, if the X family does it that way that MUST be the right way". So his parents get insecure and awkward. I keep reiterating to DH that he cannot tell his family everything about mine because it makes them feel bad.

Similarly, in your case, keeping them all a bit separate makes sense, so that his family doesn't have more ammo to hold against yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a very good relationship with my ILs. And it is due to the fact that I have made it a point that they keep their distance from each other. I do not expect anything more than basic politeness from each set of parents to another.

So they are like acquaintances and thus on the best behavior in front of each other. The hearts and minds are not involved.

I also DO NOT DISCUSS any set of parents with the other. I give very brief amount of info to them.

I let my kids and parents/ILs have whatever kind of relationship they want with each other. I facilitate but do not interfere.

OP, there is no reason for the two set of grandparents to be friends. As long as politeness and courteous behavior is being followed by both sets - you should not worry about it.

I agree with this, and this is exactly what I have always done. I never WANTED my ILs mixing with my family - too close for comfort (for me).

That said, in some cultures (e.g. Jewish) this is not only done, but is expected. There is a term in Hebrew for the relationship between the wife's parents and the husband's parents (i.e. they are family).

Still, I would keep them apart, myself. Don't see any good coming of mixing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things:

1) Have your mother and MIL interact as little as possible. That means MIL doesn't get to come over when your mom comes to visit, unless it's something like a child's birthday or celebrating a major holiday. Just don't overlap. If your mom lives far away, MIL can deal with not seeing you for a week while she visits.

2) You see your MIL more than once a week? That's a lot. I think it's totally ok to have her a bit less involved in your lives, particularly as the kids get older and busier. Less interaction may actually help you deal with this better. And, please, it's not punishing anyone to see them three times a month instead of six. That's still a good deal of time.

3) You can't fix this. I think people often put really high expectations on IL relationships, when if we just hoped for friendly we'd all do a lot better. Accept the reality you got, rather than the dream that you wanted.

4) I wonder if DH really did you any favors telling you some of the details of those conversations. It's not like you and MIL are going to talk about it, so there's not much you can do other than try to drop it and move on. And, frankly, your MIL is insane if she can't just shut up and be grateful that you guys live close by and that she gets to see the grandkids all the time thanks to her gracious DIL. Sheesh.

This PP has a lot of good advice, but I think what this boils down to is the bolded. I also wish my MIL and mother got along better than they do. My mother felt slighted when my MIL didn't invite her to my BIL's rehearsal dinner and asked if she would babysit our daughter during the dinner...it's been almost three years and my mother has been very chilly to my MIL ever since. I definitely understand my mom's feelings were hurt, but she's also one to keep a hurt and turn it into a grudge, and that's sad to me. But I also realize I can't make her want to go out to lunch with my MIL, so I don't press it. Trying to control another person's behavior is so frustrating, OP - don't get caught up in it.

I am the OP. The advice above is fantastic! Thank you! I have to say I was really shocked about all the comments saying I was out of line, but in a way it's good to hear.

Some thoughts:

She wanted my DH to tell me about the conversation. Specifically to stop mentioning my mother as a saint and asking her to be nicer to her.
My Mil is civil as in she doesn't refuse to be in the same room as my mom, but she says hello, and leaves. This isn't polite to me.

My Sister has both sets of families close by and they have eachother over for holidays, etc. and I am jealous of that. But I just need to accept that this won't happen for me. And I do realize it could be worse.

It just bothers me that my MIL has this idea about my mom that totally constricts with how I view my mother. She also 100 percent believes she did something which I don't think she did (related to wedding) and that bothers me.

I also feel it's unfair that she gets to hold the grudge, but I Have to treat her perfectly. It is clear to me know that my only option is to get over it, but why can't that be her option? There are lots of people in my life I don't like, but put on a happy face to my things easier.

[Anonymous]

OP, honestly, just let it go. It is your mother so of course you think she is a saint. But others don't have the same relationship with her that you do. Your MIL is being nice to someone she clearly doesn't like because she loves you. Regardless who was right/wrong in the situation at the wedding (yes I am dying to know too!) your MIL has moved on-- though it seems you keep bringing it up. Just let it go though. Like the PP said, you can't fix it-- but you also aren't an objective observer in this all.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're not South Asian, by any chance?

Anyway, I think your next move is to make peace with the situation. You can't do anything to change MIL's feelings. You can't make her "understand that by being rude to your mom, she is being rude to you." You just have to accept that it is what it is. Accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

What it comes down to is your MIL just doesn't get it. It's not going to change and what you need to accept is the status quo and move forward. Most of us don't have the ideal family we would like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm of two minds here. You are both wrong.

Your MIL is wrong to hold a grudge about something that happened at a wedding. She is petty and immature. She is also wrong for asking you why you respect and love your own mother more than her. Ridiculous. It's your own mother!! Of course you have a deeper love and respect for her.

You, however, are wrong for trying to get some kind of relationship going here and thinking that this needs to be work for them. It doesn't. It's just fine that they are polite to each other and civil. They don't need to be friends just because you love them. Not everyone in your life is going to like each other.

Agree on every point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things:

1) Have your mother and MIL interact as little as possible. That means MIL doesn't get to come over when your mom comes to visit, unless it's something like a child's birthday or celebrating a major holiday. Just don't overlap. If your mom lives far away, MIL can deal with not seeing you for a week while she visits.

2) You see your MIL more than once a week? That's a lot. I think it's totally ok to have her a bit less involved in your lives, particularly as the kids get older and busier. Less interaction may actually help you deal with this better. And, please, it's not punishing anyone to see them three times a month instead of six. That's still a good deal of time.

3) You can't fix this. I think people often put really high expectations on IL relationships, when if we just hoped for friendly we'd all do a lot better. Accept the reality you got, rather than the dream that you wanted.

4) I wonder if DH really did you any favors telling you some of the details of those conversations. It's not like you and MIL are going to talk about it, so there's not much you can do other than try to drop it and move on. And, frankly, your MIL is insane if she can't just shut up and be grateful that you guys live close by and that she gets to see the grandkids all the time thanks to her gracious DIL. Sheesh.

This PP has a lot of good advice, but I think what this boils down to is the bolded. I also wish my MIL and mother got along better than they do. My mother felt slighted when my MIL didn't invite her to my BIL's rehearsal dinner and asked if she would babysit our daughter during the dinner...it's been almost three years and my mother has been very chilly to my MIL ever since. I definitely understand my mom's feelings were hurt, but she's also one to keep a hurt and turn it into a grudge, and that's sad to me. But I also realize I can't make her want to go out to lunch with my MIL, so I don't press it. Trying to control another person's behavior is so frustrating, OP - don't get caught up in it.

I am the OP. The advice above is fantastic! Thank you! I have to say I was really shocked about all the comments saying I was out of line, but in a way it's good to hear.

Some thoughts:

She wanted my DH to tell me about the conversation. Specifically to stop mentioning my mother as a saint and asking her to be nicer to her.
My Mil is civil as in she doesn't refuse to be in the same room as my mom, but she says hello, and leaves. This isn't polite to me.

My Sister has both sets of families close by and they have eachother over for holidays, etc. and I am jealous of that. But I just need to accept that this won't happen for me. And I do realize it could be worse.

It just bothers me that my MIL has this idea about my mom that totally constricts with how I view my mother. She also 100 percent believes she did something which I don't think she did (related to wedding) and that bothers me.

I also feel it's unfair that she gets to hold the grudge, but I Have to treat her perfectly. It is clear to me know that my only option is to get over it, but why can't that be her option? There are lots of people in my life I don't like, but put on a happy face to my things easier.

OP, you have a bit if growing up to do.
Your mom and MIL DO NOT HAVE TO BE BESTIES. Why would you expect your MIL to feel about your mom the way you do. That is odd . I understand not liking that she may have wrong perception of her, that would irk me too. But, the bottom line is that she is entitled to her thoughts and feelings. It sounds as tho you are about if a people pleaser and want others to make nice just for appearances. Well they are making nice, just not making friends and that is ok.

[Anonymous]

7:57 again. Maybe you need to have a talk with your MIL. If you don't think your mom is a saint but she thinks you do, where does she get that idea? Do you talk about your mom all the time when she's around? That must be annoying to her. Think about how you would feel if she talked about how wonderful her daughter was or another dil in front of you. It would get tiring after awhile. Also, you say that she leaves the room when your mother is visiting. Perhaps is that so that your mom could have alone time with the grandchildren? You say that your mom lives far away and your MIL sees them all the time? Maybe she is just being considerate? Maybe since you've built your mom up to be super grandma (in her mind), she doesn't want to compete? I think that you need to repair YOUR relationship with MIL before you can even think of repairing a relationship between your mom and your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is being very passive aggressive. She is an adult. Her DH is married to you. She should have kept her opinion of you and your mother's relationship to herself, but she didn't and now you know. No one should disrespect some one else's mother in a family situation. Your MIL has a problem. That said, you probably will not be able to fix it. Coldly polite is really not acceptable-- that is adult bullying. I would avoid having them over together by not inviting MIL. You cannot make them be friends, but it sounds like it goes far beyond that.

This is nuts. Your MIL is not the villain and "punishing" her only really affects the grandchildren. Why does she have to like your mother ?? As long as she is polite, which you have already said she is, then what's the problem? Stop acting like a child having a temper tantrum!! Your MIL is at least an adult in explaining to your DH how she feels.

Stop trying to manipulate the situation.

MIL is the aggressor in this situation.