Will I regret having only one child?
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Anonymous
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I am mid thirties and have one child who is almost 3. DH is close to 40. At this point in our lives, one child is what we can handle. We both need to work full time to make things work financially, and my DH gets extremely stressed about our financial situation although we are perfectly comfortable. He is in a commission based career and it's feast or famine. He is so involved in work that a lot of the more intensive parenting work falls to me. I love DS with all of my heart, but parenting is no joke. I can't imagine having more than one child right now. He has some mild health needs and I thank my lucky stars that they are all correctable, but it's been tough.
My gut tells me to not have any more kids, but there's a nagging part of me that worries about DS later in life. He will (hopefully) have 2 aging parents and that is not easy for anyone, much less a child without siblings. It sounds horrible, but that would be my only reason for having another child. I have one sibling and we were never close so I'm not sold on the whole "every child needs a sibling" thing that I hear about. I need to hear from people who have been through it--is the life of an only child as lonely and difficult as people make it out to be? I'm trying not to think short-term. I know that everything is a phase and time moves quickly. I just don't want to regret our choices 20 years from now. I need to hear from other people in deeper phases of life that it all turned out ok because every time someone questions our choice to only have one it sends daggers into my heart. Not because I want more kids--just because I'm worried I'm setting my son up for a tough life due to our choices. Any suggestions? |
Anonymous
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First, you both really have to WANT a second child. Otherwise with your other commitments, you will be miserable for a long time. I have two, and we conceived DC2 when we were ready for another baby, 5 years after our first child was born with special needs. We didn't make another baby just because all our friends were making their second baby, or because we thought DC1 woud be lonely, or because we thought DC1 might have difficulty with 2 aging parents! Second, as an only child, I never had trouble being lonely etc. However I do worry about my parents, mostly because they're on a different continent and I have no intention of going to live there again, and they have no intention of coming to live here. Really, I think you're making things complicated for yourself. |
Anonymous
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I don't think you can honestly say one or two children is better or that an only child is going to act one way or another since no one is the same.
I can tell you that two kids is not double the expense of one. It's less expensive than two only children. That said its three times as difficult... |
Anonymous
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I typed out a long response and somehow lost it! Anyway, I'm in a very similar boat to you and struggling with the same kinds of issues. I also work and do most of the child are because of my dh's work and have a child about the same age with some ongoing (minor on the grand scheme of things) medical issues. "No joke" is right, and 2 has been hard for me. I find myself scheduling babysitters when my DH works late (not always, but sometimes) for no reason other than feeling like I can't deal with the bedtime routine alone one. More. Night. It makes me feel awful, but I have accepted the fact that some people are these women who are meant to have 5 kids and homeschool and cook organic.. And I am not one of them!
I think we will probably not have a second, but I do worry that I will regret this in the long term. Part of me feels like I am making it for the wrong reasons (selfishness). And I am PARANOID that something will happen to my child and I will be left childless. I lost a sibling at a young age and I'm sure that plays in to my fears - just knowing that losing a child really can and does happen - but man, how shitty would that be with an only. |
Anonymous
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I'm in the same boat, too, and my DC is approaching 4 now. I posted a similar thread a while back and got some pretty mean responses, just to warn you.
When my child was 2 my position was that I could not possibly do it, because i was just too tapped out with even 1. Now that I have an almost 4 year old, I think I could handle being a parent to 2 children, but I wonder if I could survive another very rough newborn/infant phase. It was extremely difficult for me. No way for me to know if the second baby would have health problems like the first one did, but the thought frightens me. One thing is for sure - if we have a second, we will have to hire a night nurse. I had a terrible postpartum experience and I Know I can't do it alone again. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for sharing. Your fear of losing your child is one I also share, although it's hard for me to say "out loud". I feel better knowing that other people have the same thoughts as I do. |
Anonymous
| OP- good luck whatever choice you make. I feel like I could written the post myself- same thoughts and fears. My story in short: After deciding I wanted a second child, we learned it wasn't going to happen...I had waited to long ( I'm 40 and have had several failed ivf attempts). I feel a lot of regret for not making a decision sooner and wish my child could have a sibling. |
Anonymous
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I am an only child and was only lonely when my best friend died. But I was perfectly happy being the only child.
My dd is an only and it's great. We can travel with her, afford to live in the city, close to lots of friends, etc, |
Anonymous
It is not. If this concern is the only reason to have another child, don't bother. Enjoy your small family. Like everything in life, it has its advantages and disadvantages. Focus on good stuff. |
Anonymous
Oh, you're not alone. We are middle aged with a 7 yr old, and will most likely be an only child. The thought of something happening to my child is a thought that can be crippling to me - can bring me to my knees. I think about it, too. |
Anonymous
My DD is 2, and I am struggling with this now, especially since she has only one cousin who is much older and lives far away. Two friends who are only children each recently lost a parent -- for the one it was her remaining parent who died -- and seeing them go through that essentially alone was heartbreaking. Of course, they had friends, including me, who were there for them, but it's still weighing heavily on my mind. |
Anonymous
| I struggle with this too. Many siblings aren't even close as they get married and have their own lives so I'm not sure giving a child a sibling is a good reason. I know many only children and they are some of the best adjusted adults I know. I do worry though that too much focus and emphasis on one child can be hard on them. No easy answer. |
Anonymous
Why are you saying your DS will have two aging parents??? You had your DS around age 32? (3 now and you are mid thirties ) How will you be an aging parent ? (My mom had me at that age and she is awesome now with her grandchild and traveling all over.) If you had had him when you were 42 this thinking would seem more acute. (No offense) You have time, just the age gap will be greater, if you change your mind, unless there are unforeseen fertility issues later. Regarding the Only issue, I understand you. It is very society dependent. All of my friends in Europe happen to have only one and don't think twice about it !!! I was an Only and had a fantastic childhood. My best three best friends in Europe (where I grew up) were Onlies. That said, it is also normal to mourn the "what could have been". But if I read your post correctly, you still have time to see if your feelings will swing one way or another. |
Anonymous
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Adult only child here! I turned out perfectly fine. There were times I wished for a sibling, but in general it was fine. I probably would have learned certain social skills with my peers sooner, but on the other hand I was comfortable with adults from a younger age than my peers. I had more resources for college and extras like trips.
I admire that my parents have shown a great deal of flexibility about my life, and I think in general as the parents of an only, you need to exhibit more independence and have other things in your life besides your child. For instance, I live a twelve hour drive from my parents. I haven't lived close to home my entire adult life. They do not guilt me about that. Instead, they've been game to travel to the various places I've lived, they've been happy to see me wherever I am and learn about those places. I'm sure it's hard, especially now that I have a child, to be far away. Their friends at church might have family nearby for every holiday, minor or major, and they don't. I've never spent Mother's Day or Father's Day with my parents, and there's no sibling to make up for that. The other issue for my parents is saving for retirement. I don't live nearby. If they need me to care for them, they'll need to move here--or they need to be able/willing to hire help to stay where they are. So, use some of the resources you'd use for #2 to save well for retirement. Of course, some of this might be true with two kids or three, but in general you shouldn't live your life expecting your kid's life to go away, particularly with an only who will likely feel more pressure to meet your expectations. |
Anonymous
| If you don't want more, don't have more. I always wanted two, never any more. I see families with four or five kids, and while I'm happy for them, I can't imagine it. Everyone's circumstances and preferences are different. Please do not have a second child solely for your first child. IMO, bad move with no guarantee on how things will turn out. |