Nephew with celiac - what is fair/appropriate when visiting grandma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - greetings from well north of nowhere! I wasn't sure I should check back in but I guess there is enough interest that it is only fair, considering all the support I got (thanks guys!). If I wanted to write a spinoff it would be titled 'hungry and tired in the north woods.' It is day 3 and my kids have survived by eating a lot of snacks including all the GF junk food people keep giving them, the occasional piece of fruit or cheese stick, and a few clandestine turkey and pb/j sandwiches made on paper plates in our room and eaten down at the dock with a good hand washing thereafter (these were the rules of the road). So pushing DH to get that one allowance has really saved us, because they have refused to eat any of the GF options (again, thanks to those who helped me decide this was reasonable). Not that I can blame them. One fact I failed to mention is that MIL is a bad cook in the best of circumstances, so combine that with the GF restriction (no frozen garlic bread as a backup) and the poor shopping options (nearest decent market over an hour away), and let's just say I'm pretty hungry too (for ex. Barbecued chicken made with boneless skinless breasts = dried out shoe leather; frozen ribs, prepackaged with bbq sauce, cooked in oven = mush on the bone). She has been controlling the kitchen for every single meal, so there is no polite way for me to get in there and cook myself something decent, and not much in the way of ingredients anyway (I did pull off a few scrambled eggs yesterday thank goodness, but it isn't as if there is a farmers market nearby so I could offer to grill some veggies for everyone).

As for the tired part... Remember those who said BIL and SIL sounded selfish? I never chimed in on that - I would not have said so at the time, but guess who has been wandering into the main cabin at 6:30 am with baby and toddler every morning... I asked DH to ask them to give us until 7 at least, since it isn't as if they can't make the baby a bottle at the guest cabin.

All in all it has been not my idea of a good time, but you guys helped me at least keep my kids fed so many thanks. As far as the recent debate about skipping it, I would absolutely have been in huge trouble with the family for doing that, but I pulled my husband aside already and explained that this feels like prison to me, being told when I can sleep (when the party leaves the main cabin), when to wake up (when they arrive back), when and what I can eat, and none of it good, and that with as little vacation as I get I really don't want to do this again. That conversation didn't go so well but I can move that discussion over to the relationship forum

I feel for ya sister! Hang in there. Hopefully some good karma comes your way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I finally started telling my DH that he was responsible for taking the kids to see their grandparents and vacationing with their grandparents because I don't get much vacation and I don't feel like spending it running interference for our kids with his family. (They are a nightmare.)

When I stopped going, DH stopped going so much. If it isn't important enough for him to put in the work, I don't see why it is important enough for me to put in the work.

Yep, I have considered that but the truth is I don't really trust him with them around all this water. Yesterday he gave the 4yo a baited fishing rod and walked away. My very independent child wanted to cast. Luckily he hit himself in the face with the bobber, not the hook, but seriously? And then there was when he sent the kid off on a paddle board without a rescue plan in mind ... I'm all for teaching independence and water skills but I had the kayak in the water and caught the kid seconds before he crashed into a tree jutting out from shore while DH stood there watching. I don't think I am a helicopter parent but I want to know my kids actually know how to paddle, steer, cast a line, whatever before I sit on the dock watching (at least, sit there without having done the mathematical calculation of how quickly I can swim or get in a kayak and get to them before they damage themselves or others).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I finally started telling my DH that he was responsible for taking the kids to see their grandparents and vacationing with their grandparents because I don't get much vacation and I don't feel like spending it running interference for our kids with his family. (They are a nightmare.)

When I stopped going, DH stopped going so much. If it isn't important enough for him to put in the work, I don't see why it is important enough for me to put in the work.

Yep, I have considered that but the truth is I don't really trust him with them around all this water. Yesterday he gave the 4yo a baited fishing rod and walked away. My very independent child wanted to cast. Luckily he hit himself in the face with the bobber, not the hook, but seriously? And then there was when he sent the kid off on a paddle board without a rescue plan in mind ... I'm all for teaching independence and water skills but I had the kayak in the water and caught the kid seconds before he crashed into a tree jutting out from shore while DH stood there watching. I don't think I am a helicopter parent but I want to know my kids actually know how to paddle, steer, cast a line, whatever before I sit on the dock watching (at least, sit there without having done the mathematical calculation of how quickly I can swim or get in a kayak and get to them before they damage themselves or others).

Your husband sounds pretty lame, TBH. I mean, between this and not being willing to discuss things with his family? My husband certainly would speak up and say, "let's have quiet in the main house until 7:30 a.m."

[Anonymous]

God love you, OP. I'm sorry your time away is sucking! My mom used to tell me "you'll be rewarded in heaven" LOL...if that's any comfort? Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

OP, I was on your side from the beginning and you honestly sound like a saint. I probably would have cancelled this year and there is definitely NO WAY I'd go back.

Kudos to you!

[Anonymous]

Did your kids have a good time OP?

[Anonymous]

Op, maybe you can fedex in some food. That is absurd they are coming over at that hour. Next time you get the cabin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - greetings from well north of nowhere! I wasn't sure I should check back in but I guess there is enough interest that it is only fair, considering all the support I got (thanks guys!). If I wanted to write a spinoff it would be titled 'hungry and tired in the north woods.' It is day 3 and my kids have survived by eating a lot of snacks including all the GF junk food people keep giving them, the occasional piece of fruit or cheese stick, and a few clandestine turkey and pb/j sandwiches made on paper plates in our room and eaten down at the dock with a good hand washing thereafter (these were the rules of the road). So pushing DH to get that one allowance has really saved us, because they have refused to eat any of the GF options (again, thanks to those who helped me decide this was reasonable). Not that I can blame them. One fact I failed to mention is that MIL is a bad cook in the best of circumstances, so combine that with the GF restriction (no frozen garlic bread as a backup) and the poor shopping options (nearest decent market over an hour away), and let's just say I'm pretty hungry too (for ex. Barbecued chicken made with boneless skinless breasts = dried out shoe leather; frozen ribs, prepackaged with bbq sauce, cooked in oven = mush on the bone). She has been controlling the kitchen for every single meal, so there is no polite way for me to get in there and cook myself something decent, and not much in the way of ingredients anyway (I did pull off a few scrambled eggs yesterday thank goodness, but it isn't as if there is a farmers market nearby so I could offer to grill some veggies for everyone).

As for the tired part... Remember those who said BIL and SIL sounded selfish? I never chimed in on that - I would not have said so at the time, but guess who has been wandering into the main cabin at 6:30 am with baby and toddler every morning... I asked DH to ask them to give us until 7 at least, since it isn't as if they can't make the baby a bottle at the guest cabin.

All in all it has been not my idea of a good time, but you guys helped me at least keep my kids fed so many thanks. As far as the recent debate about skipping it, I would absolutely have been in huge trouble with the family for doing that, but I pulled my husband aside already and explained that this feels like prison to me, being told when I can sleep (when the party leaves the main cabin), when to wake up (when they arrive back), when and what I can eat, and none of it good, and that with as little vacation as I get I really don't want to do this again. That conversation didn't go so well but I can move that discussion over to the relationship forum

Sounds really bad. I am one of the people who chimed in against you with a child with celiac disease. She is young and it is hard. We have done vacations with our family, and while they are very accommodating, so were we. When we had big family meals, I would cook them gluten free and I'm a really good cook. The other families ate gluten when we didn't have big meals, but they washed their hands afterwards and I just kept LO with celiac away. I cleaned profusely to make sure there would be no crumbs, but the other families did the same so that she didn't ingest anything that would harm her. Sounds like you got a bum deal with the gluten free and you had some family members that weren't as accommodating.

I want to stress that the celiac struggle is real. Your SIL and BIL are very selfish, and should have accommodated your family as well, but it is hard for them. Your MIL being a bad cook is a side issue that I think sucks the most. You could have had hot dogs with no bread and a side of mac and cheese that is well cooked, and that would have been an awesome dinner. Hamburgers and French fries could be another night. Gluten free pizza on a Schar crust would have been good too. Sounds like the planning on their end was pretty terrible. I work endlessly to make gluten free food taste palatable. My child is both a celiac and picky, which sucks so much. I think you did a fine job. Thank you for trying to accommodate.

I think what really stings for me is that people keep saying things like "gluten free food is disgusting" or "gluten isn't like an allergy, the kid won't have a reaction". But the reaction is internal, and can be very bad. It isn't an allergy. The reaction provides damage to your internal organs. It causes developmental delays. It can lead to a host of other autoimmune diseases. It is serious. So trying to accommodate, instead of dismissing them, is the compassionate way to go. I think you did a great job. I think the fight here is against the PPs that are so dismissive of your nephew and his families struggles with this. The PPs that would really chose not to vacation with these family members. I would feel so hurt if my family chose not to vacation with us because of our daughter's diagnosis. It is cruel and hurtful.

OP - please know that there are gluten free foods that picky kids can eat. Our diagnosis is recent, so our child had time to develop very picky tastes before getting diagnosed. I just hate that you had a rough time where you couldn't find anything for your kids to eat. Hopefully your SIL, in her attempt to make food that her 2 year old will eat, will figure out how to cook and you guys can enjoy big family meals together!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I think the fight here is against the PPs that are so dismissive of your nephew and his families struggles with this. The PPs that would really chose not to vacation with these family members. I would feel so hurt if my family chose not to vacation with us because of our daughter's diagnosis. It is cruel and hurtful.

I am one of the PPs who would have backed out of the visit in this circumstance, and I just want to be very very clear -- it is not just because of the diagnosis. I think I'd be happy under other circumstances to vacation all together with a family member who has celiac disease. Of course! (I also would have made an illness excuse rather than make it clear it was somehow their fault, but that's just the way I'd do this sort of thing.) I want to be clear about this, because I want you to know I'm not against you or people in your situation. I'm actually trying to be kind and helpful, and do it in a way that ramps down stress, not makes people feel isolated, when I make these calls.

This is why:
1. New diagnosis of celiac and thus a high stressed family, with
2. Newborn infant, and
3. My kids being picky eaters, and
4. Grandmother already high energy about it, and (most importantly for me)
5.----> Remote location without ability to casually "get away" if my kids are winding up about food or whatever. This was the deal-breaker.

The problem -- for me -- wasn't the diagnosis. And it wasn't that the rest of the family was being a pain in the butt, because I think they were being rather normal. I mean, sure, better decisions could have been made, but they were under a hella lotta pressure, and that would *not* be made easier by throwing picky kids who couldn't get away for casual breaks that wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb. In my family, that would be a powderkeg.

Instead, I'd make my excuses and see Grandma and sibling family separately. I wouldn't not visit, I just wouldn't visit all at once under these precise circumstances. But things would get easier with time, and the baby wouldn't be newborn with a newly postpartum mother, and we wouldn't be out in the middle of nowhere such that any hour or two of sneaking away to decompress and "buy a book at the bookstore" or "go pickup a bottle of wine" would be impossible.

I mean, if we left, it would be obvious we left to get away, and that would be cruel, I'd think. In another context, it could have been more discreet.

Hopefully your SIL, in her attempt to make food that her 2 year old will eat, will figure out how to cook and you guys can enjoy big family meals together!

Absolutely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I think the fight here is against the PPs that are so dismissive of your nephew and his families struggles with this. The PPs that would really chose not to vacation with these family members. I would feel so hurt if my family chose not to vacation with us because of our daughter's diagnosis. It is cruel and hurtful.

I am one of the PPs who would have backed out of the visit in this circumstance, and I just want to be very very clear -- it is not just because of the diagnosis. I think I'd be happy under other circumstances to vacation all together with a family member who has celiac disease. Of course! (I also would have made an illness excuse rather than make it clear it was somehow their fault, but that's just the way I'd do this sort of thing.) I want to be clear about this, because I want you to know I'm not against you or people in your situation. I'm actually trying to be kind and helpful, and do it in a way that ramps down stress, not makes people feel isolated, when I make these calls.

This is why:
1. New diagnosis of celiac and thus a high stressed family, with
2. Newborn infant, and
3. My kids being picky eaters, and
4. Grandmother already high energy about it, and (most importantly for me)
5.----> Remote location without ability to casually "get away" if my kids are winding up about food or whatever. This was the deal-breaker.

The problem -- for me -- wasn't the diagnosis. And it wasn't that the rest of the family was being a pain in the butt, because I think they were being rather normal. I mean, sure, better decisions could have been made, but they were under a hella lotta pressure, and that would *not* be made easier by throwing picky kids who couldn't get away for casual breaks that wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb. In my family, that would be a powderkeg.

Instead, I'd make my excuses and see Grandma and sibling family separately. I wouldn't not visit, I just wouldn't visit all at once under these precise circumstances. But things would get easier with time, and the baby wouldn't be newborn with a newly postpartum mother, and we wouldn't be out in the middle of nowhere such that any hour or two of sneaking away to decompress and "buy a book at the bookstore" or "go pickup a bottle of wine" would be impossible.

I mean, if we left, it would be obvious we left to get away, and that would be cruel, I'd think. In another context, it could have been more discreet.

Hopefully your SIL, in her attempt to make food that her 2 year old will eat, will figure out how to cook and you guys can enjoy big family meals together!

Absolutely!

Exactly. I'd have bailed just based on the selfish postpartum SIL alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I think the fight here is against the PPs that are so dismissive of your nephew and his families struggles with this. The PPs that would really chose not to vacation with these family members. I would feel so hurt if my family chose not to vacation with us because of our daughter's diagnosis. It is cruel and hurtful.

I am one of the PPs who would have backed out of the visit in this circumstance, and I just want to be very very clear -- it is not just because of the diagnosis. I think I'd be happy under other circumstances to vacation all together with a family member who has celiac disease. Of course! (I also would have made an illness excuse rather than make it clear it was somehow their fault, but that's just the way I'd do this sort of thing.) I want to be clear about this, because I want you to know I'm not against you or people in your situation. I'm actually trying to be kind and helpful, and do it in a way that ramps down stress, not makes people feel isolated, when I make these calls.

This is why:
1. New diagnosis of celiac and thus a high stressed family, with
2. Newborn infant, and
3. My kids being picky eaters, and
4. Grandmother already high energy about it, and (most importantly for me)
5.----> Remote location without ability to casually "get away" if my kids are winding up about food or whatever. This was the deal-breaker.

The problem -- for me -- wasn't the diagnosis. And it wasn't that the rest of the family was being a pain in the butt, because I think they were being rather normal. I mean, sure, better decisions could have been made, but they were under a hella lotta pressure, and that would *not* be made easier by throwing picky kids who couldn't get away for casual breaks that wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb. In my family, that would be a powderkeg.

Instead, I'd make my excuses and see Grandma and sibling family separately. I wouldn't not visit, I just wouldn't visit all at once under these precise circumstances. But things would get easier with time, and the baby wouldn't be newborn with a newly postpartum mother, and we wouldn't be out in the middle of nowhere such that any hour or two of sneaking away to decompress and "buy a book at the bookstore" or "go pickup a bottle of wine" would be impossible.

I mean, if we left, it would be obvious we left to get away, and that would be cruel, I'd think. In another context, it could have been more discreet.

Hopefully your SIL, in her attempt to make food that her 2 year old will eat, will figure out how to cook and you guys can enjoy big family meals together!

Absolutely!

Exactly. I'd have bailed just based on the selfish postpartum SIL alone.

And why, exactly, is it selfish SIL, and not selfish BIL or at least selfish BIL/SIL? Oh, that's right, because women are to blame for alllll family dynamics...even when it's not their family of origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I think the fight here is against the PPs that are so dismissive of your nephew and his families struggles with this. The PPs that would really chose not to vacation with these family members. I would feel so hurt if my family chose not to vacation with us because of our daughter's diagnosis. It is cruel and hurtful.

I am one of the PPs who would have backed out of the visit in this circumstance, and I just want to be very very clear -- it is not just because of the diagnosis. I think I'd be happy under other circumstances to vacation all together with a family member who has celiac disease. Of course! (I also would have made an illness excuse rather than make it clear it was somehow their fault, but that's just the way I'd do this sort of thing.) I want to be clear about this, because I want you to know I'm not against you or people in your situation. I'm actually trying to be kind and helpful, and do it in a way that ramps down stress, not makes people feel isolated, when I make these calls.

This is why:
1. New diagnosis of celiac and thus a high stressed family, with
2. Newborn infant, and
3. My kids being picky eaters, and
4. Grandmother already high energy about it, and (most importantly for me)
5.----> Remote location without ability to casually "get away" if my kids are winding up about food or whatever. This was the deal-breaker.

The problem -- for me -- wasn't the diagnosis. And it wasn't that the rest of the family was being a pain in the butt, because I think they were being rather normal. I mean, sure, better decisions could have been made, but they were under a hella lotta pressure, and that would *not* be made easier by throwing picky kids who couldn't get away for casual breaks that wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb. In my family, that would be a powderkeg.

Instead, I'd make my excuses and see Grandma and sibling family separately. I wouldn't not visit, I just wouldn't visit all at once under these precise circumstances. But things would get easier with time, and the baby wouldn't be newborn with a newly postpartum mother, and we wouldn't be out in the middle of nowhere such that any hour or two of sneaking away to decompress and "buy a book at the bookstore" or "go pickup a bottle of wine" would be impossible.

I mean, if we left, it would be obvious we left to get away, and that would be cruel, I'd think. In another context, it could have been more discreet.

Hopefully your SIL, in her attempt to make food that her 2 year old will eat, will figure out how to cook and you guys can enjoy big family meals together!

Absolutely!

PP you are responding to.

Makes COMPLETE sense. Honestly, after diagnosis, we said no to many family vacations and dinner invitations so we could get a handle on things. I agree that the family was creating quite the pressure cooker situation here.

Thanks for the clarification. This thread touched very close to home with our diagnosis, so I felt the need to communicate how hard it would be for SIL/BIL. But there were quite a few ways for them to make this much easier for all involved. They didn't. And I think OP handled it well considering!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PP you are responding to.

Hey, how do? Glad you wrote back. Thanks.

Makes COMPLETE sense. Honestly, after diagnosis, we said no to many family vacations and dinner invitations so we could get a handle on things. I agree that the family was creating quite the pressure cooker situation here.

Well, but, for them -- everything's on fire, right? There's no pause button. Every decision is made on the fly as more information and stresses are coming right at them. It would be hard for them to take the big picture in the middle of it, right? I mean, in a less stressful circumstance, I'd hope they'd make different decisions, but I totally get it.

Thanks for the clarification. This thread touched very close to home with our diagnosis, so I felt the need to communicate how hard it would be for SIL/BIL. But there were quite a few ways for them to make this much easier for all involved. They didn't. And I think OP handled it well considering!

I could tell it was a bit close to the bone, and I didn't want you feeling quite as piled on if I could help it (also a normal reaction, but a painful one to carry, I imagine). I do think OP did well, and I do think sometimes it's best to pull back. She made it work, though everyone might make different choices in the future.

But for me, it was the clusterfuckiness plus the "oh my god, I cannot control my kids' reactions, and even if we do the right things and say the right things, the tension is going to be at a breaking point, and it will make it worse." So. Family members with celiac disorder? I'm all in. Don't feel like you aren't just as amazing as anyone else, and just as loved, and just as valued. My issue was with the perfect storm of it, not y'all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PP you are responding to.

Hey, how do? Glad you wrote back. Thanks.

Makes COMPLETE sense. Honestly, after diagnosis, we said no to many family vacations and dinner invitations so we could get a handle on things. I agree that the family was creating quite the pressure cooker situation here.

Well, but, for them -- everything's on fire, right? There's no pause button. Every decision is made on the fly as more information and stresses are coming right at them. It would be hard for them to take the big picture in the middle of it, right? I mean, in a less stressful circumstance, I'd hope they'd make different decisions, but I totally get it.

Thanks for the clarification. This thread touched very close to home with our diagnosis, so I felt the need to communicate how hard it would be for SIL/BIL. But there were quite a few ways for them to make this much easier for all involved. They didn't. And I think OP handled it well considering!

I could tell it was a bit close to the bone, and I didn't want you feeling quite as piled on if I could help it (also a normal reaction, but a painful one to carry, I imagine). I do think OP did well, and I do think sometimes it's best to pull back. She made it work, though everyone might make different choices in the future.

But for me, it was the clusterfuckiness plus the "oh my god, I cannot control my kids' reactions, and even if we do the right things and say the right things, the tension is going to be at a breaking point, and it will make it worse." So. Family members with celiac disorder? I'm all in. Don't feel like you aren't just as amazing as anyone else, and just as loved, and just as valued. My issue was with the perfect storm of it, not y'all.

OP here - yep, that about sums it up