When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a difference to deny a need because other needs are more pressing and denying a need because you are being a passive aggressive bitch. What is so hard to understand about that? (and to clarify, YOU are the passive aggressive bitch in this scenario!)

I never expect my needs to always be FIRST, but when my needs are always LAST well then I can't be happy like that long term.
Basic prioritization aside, to consistently deny is always wrong. And this thread is about consistent refusal to meet an important need, based on one spouse deciding that other needs are ALWAYS more important.

Sorry, I do not follow that program.

[Anonymous]

This argument cannot be won. Give it up.

These forums are teeming with bitter, self-serving diatribes and sock-puppeting troll rants. Every minute you spend on here is a minute you'll never get back.

Go get a life. All of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a difference to deny a need because other needs are more pressing and denying a need because you are being a passive aggressive bitch. What is so hard to understand about that? (and to clarify, YOU are the passive aggressive bitch in this scenario!)

I never expect my needs to always be FIRST, but when my needs are always LAST well then I can't be happy like that long term.
Basic prioritization aside, to consistently deny is always wrong. And this thread is about consistent refusal to meet an important need, based on one spouse deciding that other needs are ALWAYS more important.

Sorry, I do not follow that program.

See, here's another problem- you see it as "YOUR needs". It's me me me me all the time. You should be considering her needs as equally important to yours, since you're married. She has sexual needs too, believe it or not. And if she's not looking to you to satisfy them then you a rent providing her with something. Or she's too stressed out. Either way, a mature person looks at how THEY contribute to a problem instead of childishly trying to act like it's all the other person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
See, here's another problem- you see it as "YOUR needs". It's me me me me all the time. You should be considering her needs as equally important to yours, since you're married. She has sexual needs too, believe it or not. And if she's not looking to you to satisfy them then you a rent providing her with something. Or she's too stressed out. Either way, a mature person looks at how THEY contribute to a problem instead of childishly trying to act like it's all the other person.

Yes I do see a sexual relationship as MY need. She is low desire, by her own admission. She would be satisfied with sex once every 2 months. Again she has told me this. I do consider her needs equal to mine, and that is why I do my fair share to meet the combined needs of our entire household. And on a regular basis, I need a sexual release with my life partner. If she's consistently too stressed for that, well then I do not intend to live a celibate life, nor will I endlessly meet the needs of a spouse who ignores mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
See, here's another problem- you see it as "YOUR needs". It's me me me me all the time. You should be considering her needs as equally important to yours, since you're married. She has sexual needs too, believe it or not. And if she's not looking to you to satisfy them then you a rent providing her with something. Or she's too stressed out. Either way, a mature person looks at how THEY contribute to a problem instead of childishly trying to act like it's all the other person.

Yes I do see a sexual relationship as MY need. She is low desire, by her own admission. She would be satisfied with sex once every 2 months. Again she has told me this. I do consider her needs equal to mine, and that is why I do my fair share to meet the combined needs of our entire household. And on a regular basis, I need a sexual release with my life partner. If she's consistently too stressed for that, well then I do not intend to live a celibate life, nor will I endlessly meet the needs of a spouse who ignores mine.

Then why did you marry her, you dumbass?? If she is low desire, and that is SOOOOO IMPORTANT to you, you should have cleared that shit up before you got married? You probably made the mistake of thinking you could demand sex and guilt her into fucking you every day. Too bad for you you were wrong. Tough shit, I have no sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This argument cannot be won. Give it up.

These forums are teeming with bitter, self-serving diatribes and sock-puppeting troll rants. Every minute you spend on here is a minute you'll never get back.

Go get a life. All of you.

Pot. Kettle. SMH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then why did you marry her, you dumbass?? If she is low desire, and that is SOOOOO IMPORTANT to you, you should have cleared that shit up before you got married? You probably made the mistake of thinking you could demand sex and guilt her into fucking you every day. Too bad for you you were wrong. Tough shit, I have no sympathy.

Wow you always this offensive? I did not attack you.
She was not LD when we got together nor early in the marriage. I'd never have married her for the reasons you mention.
But after 2 kids and a big house, well she gradually loses all sexual desire. (Before you ask: I am ridiculously fit and have been my whole life)
I have no sympathy for me either now. I give fully to her, and I expect a normal sexlife. what was your point again? Aside from personal attack and wrong assumptions ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then why did you marry her, you dumbass?? If she is low desire, and that is SOOOOO IMPORTANT to you, you should have cleared that shit up before you got married? You probably made the mistake of thinking you could demand sex and guilt her into fucking you every day. Too bad for you you were wrong. Tough shit, I have no sympathy.

Wow you always this offensive? I did not attack you.
She was not LD when we got together nor early in the marriage. I'd never have married her for the reasons you mention.
But after 2 kids and a big house, well she gradually loses all sexual desire. (Before you ask: I am ridiculously fit and have been my whole life)
I have no sympathy for me either now. I give fully to her, and I expect a normal sexlife. what was your point again? Aside from personal attack and wrong assumptions ?

It's not a normal sex life. Perhaps you have been watching too much porn. A normal sex life has ebbs and flows. If she is as low drive as you say there are things to win her back- give her footrubs, make foreplay something that lasts all day. Take her out to dinner, draw her a bath, do small things to make her feel appreciated.

But I'm sure you will shoot all these down and say either youve done everything (which is bullshit) or that you shouldn't have to. What you dont realize that your whiny, "poor me" attitude is such a turnoff- to me, the other women on this thread, and i'm sure to your poor wife.

[Anonymous]

White people problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Because i dont feel entitled to it! If someone "denied me sex" I would a) Try to find out what was wrong, try to seduce them and win them over b) use my own two hands!! And in neither scenario would I hold it against the person or feel weird or like they had "wronged me" by not wanting to have sex with me. I am not owed sex from anyone.... EVER!

I never said I was entitled to sex. I said that no home/family/travel/etc would ever make up for a sexless marriage.

"denies you sex"
As if sex is something you are owed.

NP here and a DW. OMFG.... if you're married and you aren't on board with him getting it elsewhere, YES YOU OWE HIM SEX. That is a 100% reasonable expectation to have of your spouse.

First of all, no, this is the same dude. Second of all, no, I dont. Sex is an act of love. Most of the time I feel very in love with DH and am happy to have sex a couple times a week. But there are times when I dont (yes, stretches that can go a few weeks)

If DH feels he is owed sex, he can gladly find someone else to provide it. I will simply divorce him when I find out and walk away with a good portion of his assets. DH is well aware of this and treats me like a goddess because he knows it's his means for sexy times.

OMG! You are a vile and poisonous woman. OP should be glad that he is not married to you because no one has it as bad as your DH. You have him by the short hair, don't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not a normal sex life. Perhaps you have been watching too much porn. A normal sex life has ebbs and flows. If she is as low drive as you say there are things to win her back- give her footrubs, make foreplay something that lasts all day. Take her out to dinner, draw her a bath, do small things to make her feel appreciated.

But I'm sure you will shoot all these down and say either youve done everything (which is bullshit) or that you shouldn't have to. What you dont realize that your whiny, "poor me" attitude is such a turnoff- to me, the other women on this thread, and i'm sure to your poor wife.

"Ebbs and flows" is not a problem for me. But "raising children" is not an ebb or a flow. My wife would have happily "sacrificed" sex for maybe 18 years so she could focus 100% on the kids. Sorry, I love my kids, but that's just not acceptable. Ebb and flow .. maybe some serious illness, or extended travel? But aside from that, I can't think of too many legitimate reasons why a sexless week should occur. How cool would you be if your partner wasn't meeting one of your important needs for weeks, blaming it on some mysterious and boundless "ebb or flow"?

Footrubs to win her back! You know, that is hysterical, but I will overlook that and say that if my wife had just friggen told me that footrubs were the reason she wasn't interested in sex, well I'd be doing footrubs. I will say that I did what I consider to be a FAR more than reasonable effort to "win her back" (although I never did anything to "lose her" in the first place).

Want to know the only thing that worked? I upped the stakes and put our entire marriage on the table. Yes, that's right. I was willing to blow up the household and our 10 year marriage and sell the house and split time with the kids ... all over sex.

Once she heard it in those terms, that her cushy life was going to get a LOT harder, suddenly the concept of sex twice a week with a hard working, good looking, high earning, physically fit man (who was happy to meet all of her reasonable needs) this did not sound like a bad deal to her. This is what it took to break her out of her FOG of pure selfish motherhood. In her mind, she was doing everything for the kids, and (generally) I am fine with the kids as a priority. I am NOT fine with sex always being the LAST thing on her list.

And years later... know what? She thanks me for it.

[Anonymous]

A couple's sex life is going to go into the tank if one spouse sees sex as something they "give" and the other spouse "gets."

I mean, sure, my wife wants this house quite a bit more than me, and the mortgage gets paid with my paychecks. But it's our house. I don't see it as something I give and she gets. (Nor do I wait for foot rubs to get me in the mood to go earn the money that pays the mortgage.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple's sex life is going to go into the tank if one spouse sees sex as something they "give" and the other spouse "gets."

I mean, sure, my wife wants this house quite a bit more than me, and the mortgage gets paid with my paychecks. But it's our house. I don't see it as something I give and she gets. (Nor do I wait for foot rubs to get me in the mood to go earn the money that pays the mortgage.)

+ 1.

Well said!

- DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then why did you marry her, you dumbass?? If she is low desire, and that is SOOOOO IMPORTANT to you, you should have cleared that shit up before you got married? You probably made the mistake of thinking you could demand sex and guilt her into fucking you every day. Too bad for you you were wrong. Tough shit, I have no sympathy.

Wow you always this offensive? I did not attack you.
She was not LD when we got together nor early in the marriage. I'd never have married her for the reasons you mention.
But after 2 kids and a big house, well she gradually loses all sexual desire. (Before you ask: I am ridiculously fit and have been my whole life)
I have no sympathy for me either now. I give fully to her, and I expect a normal sexlife. what was your point again? Aside from personal attack and wrong assumptions ?

It's not a normal sex life. Perhaps you have been watching too much porn. A normal sex life has ebbs and flows. If she is as low drive as you say there are things to win her back- give her footrubs, make foreplay something that lasts all day. Take her out to dinner, draw her a bath, do small things to make her feel appreciated.

But I'm sure you will shoot all these down and say either youve done everything (which is bullshit) or that you shouldn't have to. What you dont realize that your whiny, "poor me" attitude is such a turnoff- to me, the other women on this thread, and i'm sure to your poor wife.

Ugh! You do not speak for all women and certainly not for me. I hope his and every male's attitude is a turn-off for you - because no one needs to be having sex with you! You have the mentality of a prostitute who expects to be paid for sex and not of a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure that sex is a biological need for everyone. So I do not agree with your assumption. But, in your opinion, sex is the only thing that matters to you. See how narrow minded that sounds. What about raising a family, building a home, having fun, traveling, being close, etc... Is there nothing equally important in your life?

All those things you mentioned (family, home, fun, travel, closeness, etc) are very important indeed.
None of those are remotely able to compensate for a sexless marriage.
What was your point?

They are for me and most people!

Disagree. 48 year old woman in a marriage where we still have sex.