When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally involved? It's a DCUM inquiry.

Sure. But one of the arguments is that a spouse who was cheated on should not tell their kids because they don't have the maturity/wisdom/objectivity to tell it in an appropriate manner.

You don't want to go to your kid and tell them that their dad is a narcissist when he clearly isn't. You might think it because he cheated on you. It does not make it true.

[Anonymous]

In cheating, both people usually get along. That's why they are still married and he or she is cheating verses leaving. So it's a complete contradiction of what the child has seen and what actually happened. Which is why I don't think this can be an explanation. It doesn't mesh with the child's reality. What do you mean you didn't love each other anymore? We just went on vacation? What do you mean you don't get along? We just had a fun family night. etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on how it's framed.

Your dad slept with another woman and it hurt me so I am leaving him. But we are both still your parents and love you very much.

Or

Your dad slept with another woman, which proves he is a bad person and he doesn't love you like a dad should so I kicked him out and we are divorcing.


Plus so many other variations and circumstances.

Your dad did something in the marriage that went against my marriage principles and it hurt me so I am divorcing him. Marriage issues are for adults and so I don't want to discuss the divorce in more detail. We are both still your parents and love you.

Are the detractors from telling kids ok with this statement? I can live with a statement like this. The whole we didn't get along bullshit no way. And I have no idea if he loves them very much, so no need to embellish other people's thoughts for them.

The bolded would never have been enough for my siblings and I. lol

It's a nice try but we were nosy kids. We would have asked and asked until somebody told us why.

In our case(they never actually divorced after the cheating - this is just a hypothetical), bringing it up at a therapist would have been the way to go. The therapist would have managed the conversation so that it did not turn into "he said, she said".

But would you have wanted to hear a lie that your parents just didn't get along?

We already knew that the did not get along. It was clear as day. lol

They would have had to tell us. But they would have done a better job telling us with a professional third party. We got one sided, accusatory versions from each of them. It made both of them sound pretty nuts at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In cheating, both people usually get along. That's why they are still married and he or she is cheating verses leaving. So it's a complete contradiction of what the child has seen and what actually happened. Which is why I don't think this can be an explanation. It doesn't mesh with the child's reality. What do you mean you didn't love each other anymore? We just went on vacation? What do you mean you don't get along? We just had a fun family night. etc.

I don't necessarily agree with your opinion that both people usually get along.

Both people usually pretend to get along, and many children see through it.

I have friends who tell me that their dads were like a piece of furniture in the house, and the cheating was no surprise.

In our case, my parents had nothing in common: my mother was always bored at acitivities my dad loved and vice versa. They like different foods, people etc. They only thing they had in common was that they loved us. They were happy and laughing when they were with us, but they were like beings from different planets when a discussion was not centered around us. It was such a mismatch of personalities. They were introduced to each other by my dad's cousin. My mom was gorgeous and educated, so my dad fell hard. My dad was incredibly smart and highly educated, so my mom fell hard. They both really wanted children, and that's where the similarities ended.

When I was much younger, I actually wished they got a divorce before the cheating happened(they never divorced ever).

[Anonymous]

Cheating is devious sexual behavior done to stay in the marriage while getting pleasure outside it. Both people are showing that they want to stay in the marriage till it's revealed. The cheater has a split personality and behavior. As you mentioned there were disagreements throughout the marriage, so why would not getting along be any different than the other days? No one, in this case, split up because of disagreements. It was deviant behavior. All I can say is that you reap what you sow. If you think that it's ok for your dad or mom to cheat and pretend that they are happy enough in a relationship, what goes around comes around. I'm sure you'll be accepting of it in your spouses and kids then. No one is able to accurately predict what their spouse is doing on the sly whether it is cheating or stealing or drugs or any number of deviant behaviors. They are responsible for what they know. We don't have psychic powers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is devious sexual behavior done to stay in the marriage while getting pleasure outside it. Both people are showing that they want to stay in the marriage till it's revealed. The cheater has a split personality and behavior. As you mentioned there were disagreements throughout the marriage, so why would not getting along be any different than the other days? No one, in this case, split up because of disagreements. It was deviant behavior. All I can say is that you reap what you sow. If you think that it's ok for your dad or mom to cheat and pretend that they are happy enough in a relationship, what goes around comes around. I'm sure you'll be accepting of it in your spouses and kids then. No one is able to accurately predict what their spouse is doing on the sly whether it is cheating or stealing or drugs or any number of deviant behaviors. They are responsible for what they know. We don't have psychic powers.

And in many cases no one splits up because of disagreements.

And in many cases people split up because of disagreements.

Some people split up because of a lack of sexual connection. Is that deviant behavior as well.

Cheating is horrible. No one is arguing about this. It's not your children's business, so this talk about deviant behavior has no relevance here.

Focus on what is best for the children. Why is that so hard to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is devious sexual behavior done to stay in the marriage while getting pleasure outside it. Both people are showing that they want to stay in the marriage till it's revealed. The cheater has a split personality and behavior. As you mentioned there were disagreements throughout the marriage, so why would not getting along be any different than the other days? No one, in this case, split up because of disagreements. It was deviant behavior. All I can say is that you reap what you sow. If you think that it's ok for your dad or mom to cheat and pretend that they are happy enough in a relationship, what goes around comes around. I'm sure you'll be accepting of it in your spouses and kids then. No one is able to accurately predict what their spouse is doing on the sly whether it is cheating or stealing or drugs or any number of deviant behaviors. They are responsible for what they know. We don't have psychic powers.

And you reap what you sow when you are more concerned with exposing the deviant behavior of your spouse than you are with the wellbeing of your child. That is deviant behavior as well. What goes around does come around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend's parents got divorced in high school. Her mom left her dad and moved out. She was so furious at her mom for years and wouldn't talk to her. They finally became friends again and she would visit her. We were nearly 30 when she found out that her dad had cheated on her mom for years and that's why she left. My friend was so upset at both her parents for not telling her the truth, for her dad cheating and also letting him pretend that mom was the bad person for leaving the marriage.

I think kids should know. I don't think cheaters get a pass.

+1
Similar story. My friend was 50 before he learned HIS MOTHER was the cheater. People assumed it was his dad. His dad is a great guy. The kids were pretty upset to learn this info that was completely not what they were led to believe or the victim mom portrayed herself to be. The divorce had split the family and it was the cheater (mom) was was flinging nonsense. She divorced again and went through a string of men. Dad found a nice woman and did very very well in life. He had a very close relationship with the kids and grandkids. Mom is still self centered and blameless while blaming everyone else for her problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is devious sexual behavior done to stay in the marriage while getting pleasure outside it. Both people are showing that they want to stay in the marriage till it's revealed. The cheater has a split personality and behavior. As you mentioned there were disagreements throughout the marriage, so why would not getting along be any different than the other days? No one, in this case, split up because of disagreements. It was deviant behavior. All I can say is that you reap what you sow. If you think that it's ok for your dad or mom to cheat and pretend that they are happy enough in a relationship, what goes around comes around. I'm sure you'll be accepting of it in your spouses and kids then. No one is able to accurately predict what their spouse is doing on the sly whether it is cheating or stealing or drugs or any number of deviant behaviors. They are responsible for what they know. We don't have psychic powers.

And you reap what you sow when you are more concerned with exposing the deviant behavior of your spouse than you are with the wellbeing of your child. That is deviant behavior as well. What goes around does come around.

God- give it a rest. If you don’t want people saying you are a cheater, it’s simple: don’t cheat. People know more about you than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is devious sexual behavior done to stay in the marriage while getting pleasure outside it. Both people are showing that they want to stay in the marriage till it's revealed. The cheater has a split personality and behavior. As you mentioned there were disagreements throughout the marriage, so why would not getting along be any different than the other days? No one, in this case, split up because of disagreements. It was deviant behavior. All I can say is that you reap what you sow. If you think that it's ok for your dad or mom to cheat and pretend that they are happy enough in a relationship, what goes around comes around. I'm sure you'll be accepting of it in your spouses and kids then. No one is able to accurately predict what their spouse is doing on the sly whether it is cheating or stealing or drugs or any number of deviant behaviors. They are responsible for what they know. We don't have psychic powers.

And you reap what you sow when you are more concerned with exposing the deviant behavior of your spouse than you are with the wellbeing of your child. That is deviant behavior as well. What goes around does come around.

God- give it a rest. If you don’t want people saying you are a cheater, it’s simple: don’t cheat. People know more about you than you think.

Your obsession with cheaters is a mental illness. Focus that energy on your children. There is life after being cheated on. Move on sweetie!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on how it's framed.

Your dad slept with another woman and it hurt me so I am leaving him. But we are both still your parents and love you very much.

Or

Your dad slept with another woman, which proves he is a bad person and he doesn't love you like a dad should so I kicked him out and we are divorcing.


Plus so many other variations and circumstances.

Your dad did something in the marriage that went against my marriage principles and it hurt me so I am divorcing him. Marriage issues are for adults and so I don't want to discuss the divorce in more detail. We are both still your parents and love you.

Are the detractors from telling kids ok with this statement? I can live with a statement like this. The whole we didn't get along bullshit no way. And I have no idea if he loves them very much, so no need to embellish other people's thoughts for them.

Maybe not what what I’d do I wouldn’t think badly of this approach. I think you’re reading too much into the “say you didn’t get along” thing I think some nuance to the message is expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend's parents got divorced in high school. Her mom left her dad and moved out. She was so furious at her mom for years and wouldn't talk to her. They finally became friends again and she would visit her. We were nearly 30 when she found out that her dad had cheated on her mom for years and that's why she left. My friend was so upset at both her parents for not telling her the truth, for her dad cheating and also letting him pretend that mom was the bad person for leaving the marriage.

I think kids should know. I don't think cheaters get a pass.

+1
Similar story. My friend was 50 before he learned HIS MOTHER was the cheater. People assumed it was his dad. His dad is a great guy. The kids were pretty upset to learn this info that was completely not what they were led to believe or the victim mom portrayed herself to be. The divorce had split the family and it was the cheater (mom) was was flinging nonsense. She divorced again and went through a string of men. Dad found a nice woman and did very very well in life. He had a very close relationship with the kids and grandkids. Mom is still self centered and blameless while blaming everyone else for her problems.

I’m a pretty staunch don’t tell situation but if one of my kids was acting like I was a pariah I would likely correct that assumption. “I know you’re angry but the reality is something happened that your dad and I could not reconcile our marriage with. I did not do anything to cause the incident but the reality is that marriages and relationships are complicated and a lot of history is at play and so you really can’t fully understand this but we both love you and we will both always be there for you. And again if the kid asks directly or implied it repeatedly I would be more frank but I’d hope to make that a joint conversation with the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In cheating, both people usually get along. That's why they are still married and he or she is cheating verses leaving. So it's a complete contradiction of what the child has seen and what actually happened. Which is why I don't think this can be an explanation. It doesn't mesh with the child's reality. What do you mean you didn't love each other anymore? We just went on vacation? What do you mean you don't get along? We just had a fun family night. etc.

I don't necessarily agree with your opinion that both people usually get along.

Both people usually pretend to get along, and many children see through it.

I have friends who tell me that their dads were like a piece of furniture in the house, and the cheating was no surprise.

In our case, my parents had nothing in common: my mother was always bored at acitivities my dad loved and vice versa. They like different foods, people etc. They only thing they had in common was that they loved us. They were happy and laughing when they were with us, but they were like beings from different planets when a discussion was not centered around us. It was such a mismatch of personalities. They were introduced to each other by my dad's cousin. My mom was gorgeous and educated, so my dad fell hard. My dad was incredibly smart and highly educated, so my mom fell hard. They both really wanted children, and that's where the similarities ended.

When I was much younger, I actually wished they got a divorce before the cheating happened(they never divorced ever).

What makes you think they didn't have a successful marriage overall? Sounds like they did have a lot in common and that they weathered some challenging times. It doesn't sound like they faked their way through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is devious sexual behavior done to stay in the marriage while getting pleasure outside it. Both people are showing that they want to stay in the marriage till it's revealed. The cheater has a split personality and behavior. As you mentioned there were disagreements throughout the marriage, so why would not getting along be any different than the other days? No one, in this case, split up because of disagreements. It was deviant behavior. All I can say is that you reap what you sow. If you think that it's ok for your dad or mom to cheat and pretend that they are happy enough in a relationship, what goes around comes around. I'm sure you'll be accepting of it in your spouses and kids then. No one is able to accurately predict what their spouse is doing on the sly whether it is cheating or stealing or drugs or any number of deviant behaviors. They are responsible for what they know. We don't have psychic powers.

And you reap what you sow when you are more concerned with exposing the deviant behavior of your spouse than you are with the wellbeing of your child. That is deviant behavior as well. What goes around does come around.

You are the only one who thinks lies are beneficial. I’m not concerned about exposure. In my case my kids were made aware by him so there was nothing to hide and I just had to deal with it but I think this is better than lying. My kids don’t ask questions so this idea that we keep bashing my ex is just in your head. It allowed us to move on. I don’t have to pretend why I don’t want to be around him or broke up the marriage. The problem when you lie is that the children blame you for splitting up the marriage if they don’t know it was something serious. This whole projection that the non cheating spouse is trying to expose the other spouse is just because you were trying to hide. So you see everything as either in the light or shadow. People who don’t hide don’t think this way. They just live in the light so it’s very unnatural for them to hide information. It would be going against their nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is devious sexual behavior done to stay in the marriage while getting pleasure outside it. Both people are showing that they want to stay in the marriage till it's revealed. The cheater has a split personality and behavior. As you mentioned there were disagreements throughout the marriage, so why would not getting along be any different than the other days? No one, in this case, split up because of disagreements. It was deviant behavior. All I can say is that you reap what you sow. If you think that it's ok for your dad or mom to cheat and pretend that they are happy enough in a relationship, what goes around comes around. I'm sure you'll be accepting of it in your spouses and kids then. No one is able to accurately predict what their spouse is doing on the sly whether it is cheating or stealing or drugs or any number of deviant behaviors. They are responsible for what they know. We don't have psychic powers.

And you reap what you sow when you are more concerned with exposing the deviant behavior of your spouse than you are with the wellbeing of your child. That is deviant behavior as well. What goes around does come around.

You are the only one who thinks lies are beneficial. I’m not concerned about exposure. In my case my kids were made aware by him so there was nothing to hide and I just had to deal with it but I think this is better than lying. My kids don’t ask questions so this idea that we keep bashing my ex is just in your head. It allowed us to move on. I don’t have to pretend why I don’t want to be around him or broke up the marriage. The problem when you lie is that the children blame you for splitting up the marriage if they don’t know it was something serious. This whole projection that the non cheating spouse is trying to expose the other spouse is just because you were trying to hide. So you see everything as either in the light or shadow. People who don’t hide don’t think this way. They just live in the light so it’s very unnatural for them to hide information. It would be going against their nature.

+2