Is There Anything You Wish You Asked Your DH/DW Before Marriage?

[Anonymous]

I'll start- I would have asked my DH if he believes that children should be financially responsible for their parents who have not properly prepared for their retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start- I would have asked my DH if he believes that children should be financially responsible for their parents who have not properly prepared for their retirement.

There are several problems with your question. Are you talking about having to support your parents or in laws? One cannot get blood from a stone. If the "children" don't have the financial means, then they CAN'T support the parents.

Frankly, I don't want to live long enough to be a burden to my kids. I take care of my own retirement. As for my parents, I will do what I can. I will be able to provide food and shelter and clothing, but medical care? That would wipe me out. Medical care is astronomical and I have to think about my own children.

We discussed stuff like this, so there isn't really anything I DIDN'T ask him.

[Anonymous]

That's something I didn't think to, but would have asked. Wondering if there are other things that people found out down the line in their marriage that they wished they had asked beforehand.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Do you ever want to have non vanilla sex, and do you ever want it more than once a week? Do you secretly think that because I am the one with the vagina, I have overall responsibility for the house and the children, and you'll "help" me, but only if I tell you exactly what needs to be done?

[Anonymous]

What you do with your parents is a big one. I had no idea that my husband's culture expected him to have his parents move in with us when they got older and and that he would feel obligated to allow them to take over our household. This has been a tricky battle to fight without hurting people.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had specifically asked my now exDH about his personal and family history of alcoholism and mental illness. I might still have chosen to stay with him, but I would have done so "eyes wide open," and revealing this would have prompted some further discussion about responsibility to take medicine and use rehab services when necessary. We also could have had an open discussion about revealing these family problems to the kids at an appropriate age.

[Anonymous]

I would have asked for his credit report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have asked for his credit report.

That's a good one. If you saw it, would it have been a deal breaker?

[Anonymous]

I would've asked if he had plans to learn any domestic duties. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have asked for his credit report.

That's a good one. If you saw it, would it have been a deal breaker?

I loved him then, so I would have wanted to stand by his side and keep dating while he worked it out. But I would have agreed to a timetable for resolving X,Y,Z so it wouldn't drag on forever. It would have been a deal breaker if problematic issues were not resolved/addressed in that time frame.

The other thing I ask for is an HIV/STD test and to see the results. I offer the same. That wasn't an issue.

[Anonymous]

How important is having a nice home to you?

I love my DH to bits but I've always dreamed of a comfortable, cozy, well-organized home. DH is happy to rent indefinitely and once suggested buying a few camp chairs when we needed extra seating in our living room. During the years when we were dating/engaged he either lived with roommates or with me in the condo I bought and decorated on my own, so none of this was apparent to me until we rented our first townhouse together and we started to hit walls on buying furniture (not expensive!) and spending money on home organization/decorating projects. It's just not important to him and I do wish I knew that beforehand. It's not a dealbreaker but it does require some adjustment of expectations on my part.

[Anonymous]

I think I asked all the right questions but I was not smart enough to make conclusions from his answers and my observations.

[Anonymous]

I would have asked him if he was planning to turn into a total sexist asshole and renege on all his promises of our marriage being a 50/50 partnership, and become verbally abusive to me.

Of course, I doubt he would have told me the truth if I had asked anyway.

[Anonymous]

How much he owed in student loans. That was a big surprise after we tied the knot.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had asked about mental health and alcohol history within his family. I sometimes wish we had lived together before marriage because some of the family issues would have been revealed before we got married.