BIL gets under DH's skin

[Anonymous]

Brother-in-law lives on the other side of the world, so we don't see him too often. He and his daughter are visiting this summer for two weeks, and we're all glad they're coming/happy to see them. Problem is, he has a knack for saying things that get under my husband's skin.

It's definitely a problem from both sides -- on the one hand, bro-in-law like to tease my husband (about his weight, geekiness, etc.), & that's on him; OTOH, my husband has no problem taking similar teasing from his buddies & responding in kind -- EXCEPT when it's his brother, then it really cuts him and he gets hurt/angry.

Basically, they both revert to their childhood selves: My husband is significantly younger and wanted his "cool" older brother's approval, and his brother didn't really get that his approval mattered that much and pushed my husband's buttons b/c he's an older brother and that's what they do.

Ideally my husband would be able to stay calm and deflect his brother's comments himself, but he just can't manage that. He has already asked me if I'll stick up for him if his brother starts in. I just don't know the most effective way to back him up -- ideally, to defuse things before he gets too upset. (And as I said, his fuse is short when it comes to his brother.)

I can come up with quippy replies to change the subject ("Lay off, man, this is supposed to be a vacation, not fat camp")? I can take his brother aside and tell him seriously that he doesn't realize how deeply his words cut my husband.

I think those approaches might work in the short term -- BIL is respectful toward me, b/c I'm not his little brother. But then I feel like I'm taking more of a mom role than I really should/want to, which in the end isn't likely to increase my brother-in-law's respect for his younger brother.

Any ideas -- both on how to respond myself & on how to help my husband respond more constructively?

[Anonymous]

This is totally on your BIL - he should NOT be doing this to his brother, period. If your husband can't nip it in the bud by himself, you need to stare down BIL, say "cut it out", and that's it. It doesn't have to be emotional and dramatic, just tell him firmly to stop. It carries more weight if you do not explain or defend your position!!! You may not like "mothering" your husband, but helping one's spouse is part of being married, isn't it?

My mother can be a verbal bully to me and DH usually steps in with a few curt words when I'm floundering. It makes all the difference to know that he has my back!

Everyone has a shorter fuse when handling family members than when dealing with friends. It's because there's such a history there, and foiled expectations, and childhood trauma.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is asking you for help--I would worry less about his relationship with his brother in the long term, which is something for him to work out, and focus more on deflecting and defusing his brother's comments. Personally, I'd start with the lighter response, calling him out gently on specific comments. If that doesn't work, or you see that your husband is getting more upset, then I'd take the BIL aside, tell him that you know he's just joking and teasing, but it's really bothering your husband and you'd like him to lay off so you can all have a pleasant visit.

[Anonymous]

I think your initial ideas are good - quickly change the subject or just call your BIL out on it in the moment - "hey, none of that in this house." A serious pull aside can be pretty awkward - do that if he persists after you've tried responding directly in the moment, but I'd keep it as a last resort type of thing.

I get really relied up when people attack my family and I wouldn't hesitate to tell him he can shut it or get out, but that's probably not the best way to handle it

[Anonymous]

It's time for your husband to talk to his brother. The only way you get involved is to tell your husband to talk to his brother and get it worked out. Tell him he is an adult now.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- the thing is, I don't think the comments BIL makes are what you could call attacks; they're relatively innocuous comments, maybe a little chiding. ("Sure you don't you want to go biking? [shakes head] Man, you're a dad now, you need to be healthy for your kid!")

But even the most innocent comment, when it's his brother, comes pre-loaded with 40+ years of judgment attached. (9:54, you make such a good point about family members bringing history.)

If my husband were hearing those exact same comments from a friend, it would be no big deal, and he'd respond with an easy retort ("Yeah, have fun getting sweaty out there, I'm fine with my book and my air conditioning"). But with his brother, he goes straight to an angry "F--- you!"

It sounds like there's pretty good consensus here, as far as how -I- should handle it: Start off intervening with lighter, deflecting comments, and take BIL aside for a more serious talk only if he keeps it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is totally on your BIL - he should NOT be doing this to his brother, period. If your husband can't nip it in the bud by himself, you need to stare down BIL, say "cut it out", and that's it. It doesn't have to be emotional and dramatic, just tell him firmly to stop. It carries more weight if you do not explain or defend your position!!! You may not like "mothering" your husband, but helping one's spouse is part of being married, isn't it?

My mother can be a verbal bully to me and DH usually steps in with a few curt words when I'm floundering. It makes all the difference to know that he has my back!

Everyone has a shorter fuse when handling family members than when dealing with friends. It's because there's such a history there, and foiled expectations, and childhood trauma.

IF it doesn't stop, then say, "BIL, you are being childish and we're leaving." THEN LEAVE.
No one else notices he's being an ass? IF they want to put up with it, they can. You don't have to. Just LEAVE and cut off all contact until he behaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- the thing is, I don't think the comments BIL makes are what you could call attacks; they're relatively innocuous comments, maybe a little chiding. ("Sure you don't you want to go biking? [shakes head] Man, you're a dad now, you need to be healthy for your kid!")

But even the most innocent comment, when it's his brother, comes pre-loaded with 40+ years of judgment attached. (9:54, you make such a good point about family members bringing history.)

If my husband were hearing those exact same comments from a friend, it would be no big deal, and he'd respond with an easy retort ("Yeah, have fun getting sweaty out there, I'm fine with my book and my air conditioning"). But with his brother, he goes straight to an angry "F--- you!"

It sounds like there's pretty good consensus here, as far as how -I- should handle it: Start off intervening with lighter, deflecting comments, and take BIL aside for a more serious talk only if he keeps it up.

Sounds like it's your DH's problem. The BIL doesn't really sound that bad. And if he wouldn't get upset if the SAME thing was said by a friend, then your DH needs therapy. Not your BIL's fault.

[Anonymous]

You need two comments, one to BIL to try to discourage him from pushing DH's buttons and one to defuse DH's temper.

This one would come off better if DH could come up with a way to say this without losing his cool, but he can't, so you step in:
Sure you don't want to go biking? Man, you're a dad now, you need to be healthy for your kid.
----Come on Harry. Dick doesn't need you picking on him like you did as kids. It rubs him wrong.
----And his friend, Tom pointed that out the other day, but Dick just reminded him that it's too hot to go biking. The air conditioning works for us.

You tell DH that you will help intervene as long as he continues working on trying to ignore the fraternal poking from his brother. If he gives up, so do you. So you make comments like the one above to try and help remind him that he needs to treat the jabs as he would if someone else said that. Hopefully with time and work, he can remember to see through the emotional baggage and handle it like he would comments from anyone else. I understand, I'm a little brother and both of my siblings do toss comments out regularly that rub me so wrong, but if they came from friends and acquaintances they wouldn't but me as much. I try to focus on the comment rather than the source and can at least keep most of my retorts to my siblings internal and unspoken. I slip sometimes, but much less often than when I was younger.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it's your DH's problem. The BIL doesn't really sound that bad. And if he wouldn't get upset if the SAME thing was said by a friend, then your DH needs therapy. Not your BIL's fault.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sounds like it's your DH's problem. The BIL doesn't really sound that bad. And if he wouldn't get upset if the SAME thing was said by a friend, then your DH needs therapy. Not your BIL's fault.

+1

OP here -- not entirely disagreeing, DH definitely has issues here. BIL doesn't help, though.

BIL loves running, biking, etc. and is very fit. DH is a geek from way back; he was stick-thin when he was younger, but these days he's put on a gut. He's sensitive about that, to begin with, and then I think when BIL offers unsolicited comments about his lack of exercise, it takes him back to his teens and not feeling accepted for his own interests.

Basically, he just wants to get a sense that his big brother approves of him. And he NEVER gets that, he just gets (well-intended) chiding. If DH emails him vacation pics -- just hoping for a "Hey, looks like you guys had a fun trip" -- he gets back a couple paragraphs about how he looks like he's putting on weight and needs to think about his health.

He knows his friends like him, so if they hassle him now and then, it's fine. He never gets positive feedback from his brother, so he's really sensitive to the negative feedback. (Meanwhile, I think BIL knows he loves his little brother and doesn't realize that his affection is always expressed as critical "concern.")

[Anonymous]

Sounds like DH needs therapy on how to handle this. There's more baggage than you, as his wife, can deal with (or should deal with) -- encourage him to see a therapist for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sounds like it's your DH's problem. The BIL doesn't really sound that bad. And if he wouldn't get upset if the SAME thing was said by a friend, then your DH needs therapy. Not your BIL's fault.

+1

OP here -- not entirely disagreeing, DH definitely has issues here. BIL doesn't help, though.

BIL loves running, biking, etc. and is very fit. DH is a geek from way back; he was stick-thin when he was younger, but these days he's put on a gut. He's sensitive about that, to begin with, and then I think when BIL offers unsolicited comments about his lack of exercise, it takes him back to his teens and not feeling accepted for his own interests.

Basically, he just wants to get a sense that his big brother approves of him. And he NEVER gets that, he just gets (well-intended) chiding. If DH emails him vacation pics -- just hoping for a "Hey, looks like you guys had a fun trip" -- he gets back a couple paragraphs about how he looks like he's putting on weight and needs to think about his health.

He knows his friends like him, so if they hassle him now and then, it's fine. He never gets positive feedback from his brother, so he's really sensitive to the negative feedback. (Meanwhile, I think BIL knows he loves his little brother and doesn't realize that his affection is always expressed as critical "concern.")

Everything you've talked about points to your DH having the issue not your BIL. It's not your BIL's job to fulfill your DH. Whatever it is your DH is looking for, he needs to find within himself and stop looking to his brother to provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Everything you've talked about points to your DH having the issue not your BIL. It's not your BIL's job to fulfill your DH. Whatever it is your DH is looking for, he needs to find within himself and stop looking to his brother to provide.

All of that is probably true!

But even if he started seeing a therapist tomorrow, I doubt DH would find inner peace in the next three weeks (before BIL gets to town). And I'm the one who'll be stuck in a beach house with the two of them for two weeks.

[Anonymous]

You are the sil not their mom. Stay out of it. They are grown ups. It's really not your place to play referee to two middle aged siblings.