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[quote=Anonymous]Brother-in-law lives on the other side of the world, so we don't see him too often. He and his daughter are visiting this summer for two weeks, and we're all glad they're coming/happy to see them. Problem is, he has a knack for saying things that get under my husband's skin.

It's definitely a problem from both sides -- on the one hand, bro-in-law like to tease my husband (about his weight, geekiness, etc.), & that's on him; OTOH, my husband has no problem taking similar teasing from his buddies & responding in kind -- EXCEPT when it's his brother, then it really cuts him and he gets hurt/angry.

Basically, they both revert to their childhood selves: My husband is significantly younger and wanted his "cool" older brother's approval, and his brother didn't really get that his approval mattered that much and pushed my husband's buttons b/c he's an older brother and that's what they do.

Ideally my husband would be able to stay calm and deflect his brother's comments himself, but he just can't manage that. He has already asked me if I'll stick up for him if his brother starts in. I just don't know the most effective way to back him up -- ideally, to defuse things before he gets too upset. (And as I said, his fuse is short when it comes to his brother.)

I can come up with quippy replies to change the subject ("Lay off, man, this is supposed to be a vacation, not fat camp")? I can take his brother aside and tell him seriously that he doesn't realize how deeply his words cut my husband.

I think those approaches might work in the short term -- BIL is respectful toward me, b/c I'm not his little brother. But then I feel like I'm taking more of a mom role than I really should/want to, which in the end isn't likely to increase my brother-in-law's respect for his younger brother.

Any ideas -- both on how to respond myself & on how to help my husband respond more constructively?

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