Thangsgiving conflict - is MIL inreasonable or am I?
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Anonymous
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We alternate Thanksgiving with DH family and my family. This year it's his family's turn. In addition to DH, DD and I, that means their other son and his family (DW + 2DCs) come for this. MY Ils live within driving distance and I like them very well so normally this is not a problem at all.
Except this year I am expecting a November baby. The baby will be roughly 3 weeks on Thanksgiving weekend. On a recent visit, I told MIL that because the baby will be so little, I do not think we would be able to come. I was apologetic and polite and provided plenty of reasons - the baby will not be immunized yet so I don't want him around a ton of people, he will be so little that even on the not-too-long drive we would have to stop repeatedly and feed/change him which is not something I want to do in dingy roadside restrooms, not to mention that MIL likes everyone to stay in her house and I think inflicting an infant that wakes and screams every 2 hours at best, is pretty horrible. In general, travelling with a baby that small is a nightmare for everyone. Not to mention that I had a very rough recovery with DD and am not sure if history will repeat itself this time. FWIW, I would do the same if it was the year to go to my parents'. The logistics are just insane. I offered, as alternatives: (a) everyone comes to our house. We will pay for hotel rooms for those who are unwilling to stay in a house with an infant. That way we don't have to travel with an infant and the baby is exposed to a lot less stuff because I will probably keep him in his room for the bulk of the visit. We will order a Thanksgiving meal from one of the restaurants that do it, if I won't be up to cooking at that time (b) My DH and DD go down for Thanksgiving at my ILs and I stay with the baby at home (I will probably be able to have someone come and help me if needed during that time). I suppose if neither pans out, this Thanksgiving we just won’t see DH’s family. DH is (being a wonderful husband) told MIL that he refuses to do (b) because he says we are a family and he is not leaving me with an infant on my own. He is very happy with (a). We explained all of this to my MIL but she refuses to accept it and is having a giant fit. Luckily, DH is backing me every step of the way (she tried to work on him alone when I was off doing something else and he point blank told her that he agrees with me, which is why she started trying to work on me directly) but it is still an unpleasant impasse as she thinks I am very unreasonable about this and keeps trying to change my mind and pushing. Basically, my question is – who is being unreasonable – me or her? And what is a good way to deal with this situation? To offer a bit more background – it’s not as if Thanksgiving falls apart, we won’t see them for a long time otherwise. We see MIL and FIL about once a month, and we plan to spend Christmas with them, as well as with BIL’s family (i.e., the same contingent as was invited to Thanksgiving). |
Anonymous
| I think your husband should go to in your inlaws. Unless you have a difficult birth you should be able to care for your baby. It would be a lot easier than hosting at your house, would NEVER consider that option. |
Anonymous
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MIL is being completely unreasonable.
You also have NO idea when you will really have that baby. You could easily have a 1-3 week old baby at Thanksgiving. |
Anonymous
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You are.
You don't know when that month the baby will be born. This year, Thanksgiving is at your house, with you, DH, and your kid. The answer is simple - won't be making it to Thanksgiving this year. Looking forward to next year. Thanks Really, one missed Thanksgiving is not going to be the end all be all of life. |
Anonymous
I would much prefer for him to go to my ILs and take my DD, who would enjoy seeing her cousins, but DH dug in his heels and thinks it's irresponsible for him to 'abandon' me, however much I tell him I am fine with this and would love for him to go. No idea how to convince him... |
Anonymous
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It's one year, for crying out loud. MIL is being completely unreasonable.
I vote option C. You don't see them for Thanksgiving this year, except for a Skype call. |
Anonymous
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Your MIL is being completely unreasonable.
And, while offering to do Thanksgiving at your house was kind, it is really not reasonable either. That is still a ton of work when you should be recovering. |
Anonymous
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You have told MIL that there is very little chance of your family being there for Thanksgiving. It's said. Don't discuss it with ILs any more. If, by slim chance, circumstances change - baby comes early but needs no special care - and for whatever reason at the last minute traveling seems like an ok idea - you can always change your mind. OF COURSE to them, no do offer this as a possibility for discussion.
You have to learn to state things once, and then not allow them to control the conversation. It really doesn't matter what "the issue" is, you have to establish the precedent that these decisions are yours (your family's) and you don't accept arm twisting. |
Anonymous
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MIL is completely unreasonable.
That said, as the parent of two kids, if my husband offered to take older child away for a day or two when baby was 3 weeks old, I would have taken him up on it. It would be nice bonding time with baby. But that's really, really hard to know until baby is born. I think offer A is very generous. I might have considered just saying, listen, we don't know when baby will come or how things will go, so just a warning Thanksgiving might be off the table for us. Offer A is the one that attempts to normalize things the most - but a lot of this is a crap shoot. Hard to tell how things will go, especially if you had a tough time the first go round. |
Anonymous
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MIL here and holy shit. I'd say the choices are either DH and DD go to MIL, assuming that's TOTALLY ok with you, or you, DH, DD and NB stay home and have a quiet TG together. For god's sake don't try to host, whatever you do.
I don't get why people go so crazy over these things. |
Anonymous
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Trust your instinct on this, Thanksgiving comes every year so it's more important to be rested and well during the first few weeks with a newborn. I had a baby born two weeks before Thanksgiving with an unexpected C-section. I was a mess- tough recovery, and had bronchitis, and a tough time with breastfeeding. There is no way my husband and I would have separated on Thanksgiving right after having a baby (PP who suggested that is weird).
My in-laws came two days before Thanksgiving and expected to be waited on hand and foot. I was so tired/mad/sick that I only came out of my room once on Thanksgiving. I'm sure they felt awkward too. My husband cooked and it was awful. |
Anonymous
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If it were me, I would "plan to be there" and then make a decision after baby arrives. Knowing I would probably decide not to go and probably send husband and older child.
PS - No way in hell I would be hosting T-day, hotels or not. |
Anonymous
+1. This. |
Anonymous
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MIL is unreasonable.
Your plan was well thought through and so generous. If MIL can't accept it, your DH and DD can go to MIL's w/o you and you can stay with baby at home. Order a lovely meal for yourself beforehand and watch the parade on tv without traffic, crazy relatives, and a struggle to keep the LOs out of the spiked egg nog. |
Anonymous
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MIL is being unreasonable. But MILs are often unreasonable about new babies. Sometimes I think they are jealous -- your family getting bigger, more focus on your nuclear family ect. maybe she is just venting her disappointment.
But the logistics just do not work, and she should be able to see that. Option you host will not work. You will be exhausted by then end of that and you have no idea how old the baby will be, and exposure to all those other children is NOT a good idea at that very young age. Good for your DH standing up for you. See them Christmas. |