Thangsgiving conflict - is MIL inreasonable or am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband should go to in your inlaws. Unless you have a difficult birth you should be able to care for your baby. It would be a lot easier than hosting at your house, would NEVER consider that option.

I agree. Or have a quiet at giving with just DH and your kids this year.

MIL needs to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is being completely unreasonable.

And, while offering to do Thanksgiving at your house was kind, it is really not reasonable either. That is still a ton of work when you should be recovering.

Agree.

I'd let it go for now. Give her some room to adjust and she will get over it. I wouldn't continue to try and find a win/win solution for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, bit of a devil's advocate here. I don't know what the big deal is with going with a 3 wk old. While the baby isn't immunized I would assume everyone else is since there are other children around. Plus how long is the drive? Really, you have to stop multiple times even though you said they are pretty close? If you do stop why not just change baby in the car?

That said I think you hosting is the most craIest idea ever. I would go, get a hotel room for the one night and let DH and DD sleep at Grandma's while you get a night in the hotel with the baby. Spend your time there in bed, watching TV, go to dinner then retreat back to the hotel room.

Playing devil's advocate with your post:

Other children there, given the time of year, may well be carrying flu and/or cold germs. It would be miserable and potentially dangerous for a newborn to contract them. Baby is also likely to be nursing almost constantly and at three weeks is still trying to establish breast feeding. This could require a lot of stops, even for a two or three hour drive. OP could have a big c-section incision that is uncomfortable while sitting upright in a car for a couple or few hours. OP could still have significant bleeding or painful episiotomy/tear that is still healing and could be uncomfortable sitting in a car with regular pants on. (I just wanted my baggy pajama bottoms for weeks!)

Or, none of this. But you don't know ahead of time.

I agree. And fwiw, my second baby was far more challenging than my first, in every way.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm a little confused. Did you also say, "go ahead and have it at your place, but we won't be able to make it"?

[Anonymous]

We had a MIL like this. Dutifully brought the baby over. MIL in contacts with many people (sales) Christmas at the peds !

[Anonymous]

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD just stay home with your family this Thanksgiving and offer for next year to be your MIL's year if she would like that.

I would NOT host, good god. Not to mention, hosting essentially puts your baby at risk of all the germs you would be exposing him/her to if you traveled (unless your extended family is 100% vaccinated against pertussis, I would NEVER host a huge gathering when my baby was 3 weeks old!).

Please just gracefully bow out this year and offer next year at your MIL's as an alternative, so she doesn't feel stiffed/doesn't get to host you for 3 years in a row.

[Anonymous]

You are making perfect sense and she's being self-centered and dramatic. And she also seems to be suffering some selective amnesia about what it means to have a newborn. I'm glad your husband is sticking with you - good for him. Your MIL can deal. They should be letting you decide what's best, or at most coming to your hometown, staying in hotels, and coming to your house to cook dinner. I swear, some people get so hysterical and entitled about the holidays. Talk about defeating the purpose.

[Anonymous]

When I had my first, my family proactively offered to option (a) - I didn't even have to ask. I'm not sure I would have asked for that on my own (so maybe that's what set off your MIL), but in the absence of any such willingness to do (a), I would have said it's unlikely we'll be able to attend. I think your MIL should be willing to accept that. Your baby may be 3 weeks, or even 1.5 weeks at that point, you may or may not be in a position to travel, even by car, and overall that's a lot of stress to take on with a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm a little confused. Did you also say, "go ahead and have it at your place, but we won't be able to make it"?

Yes. That is one of the options. We told her we would not be able to make it to her house. We said that if that was not good, we could also host or DH/DD come over without me and NB.

Though after reading all the comments about how hard it is to host and how the baby would still be exposed to germs, I talked to DH and told him hosting is off the table. He is welcome to take DD and go over, or we can do a quiet TG at home.

[Anonymous]

If your baby is healthy and you are feeling okay, I'd go to MILs house. However, I'd let her know ahead of time that if all is not well and you don't feel up to it -- you won't attend this year. End of story. Whatever you do -- don't offer to host. That is almost as crazy as MIL not understanding your need to stay home one year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, bit of a devil's advocate here. I don't know what the big deal is with going with a 3 wk old. While the baby isn't immunized I would assume everyone else is since there are other children around. Plus how long is the drive? Really, you have to stop multiple times even though you said they are pretty close? If you do stop why not just change baby in the car?

That said I think you hosting is the most craIest idea ever. I would go, get a hotel room for the one night and let DH and DD sleep at Grandma's while you get a night in the hotel with the baby. Spend your time there in bed, watching TV, go to dinner then retreat back to the hotel room.

OP here. The drive is 3 hours. If this baby is going to be like my DD, then at this point he will be eating every 1.5 hours. The thought of driving with a newborn and toddler and having to do that does not appeal. Not to mention I remember the bare survival those first few weeks were - to do them in someone else's house while having to hang out with a lot of people is not something I relish. The hotel idea - having a newborn that small in a hotel (thus around even more people), also does not appeal.

It's only Thanksgiving, with people we see a lot of anyway. To go to that level of discomfort for that seems to be a bit much.

After reading all the responses, I realize hosting is overly ambitious as well. I guess I've forgotten how all-consuming a baby was.

I think I will tell DH he is more than welcome to take DD to my ILs (though as I stated elsewhere, that probably won't happen because he doesn't leave me) or we'll see them in a month, on Christmas.

Hotels --even expensive ones-- are full of germs. I would not take a 3 week old to a hotel unless I was adopting and required to stay in the city of birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making perfect sense and she's being self-centered and dramatic. And she also seems to be suffering some selective amnesia about what it means to have a newborn. I'm glad your husband is sticking with you - good for him. Your MIL can deal. They should be letting you decide what's best, or at most coming to your hometown, staying in hotels, and coming to your house to cook dinner. I swear, some people get so hysterical and entitled about the holidays. Talk about defeating the purpose.

Yes, she's had two children, you'd think she'd remember that!

Actually, when I told her about germs, she told me she was a maternity nurse and I was being unreasonable. She was a maternity nurse in the 1960s! Things were quite different then, not to mention that helping babies to be born is quite different from taking care of infants weeks after birth.

Honestly, she's never been particularly unreasonable so I am not sure where this is coming from. Apparently DH pointed out to her about the fact that I may still be recovering (last time I was still sitting on special pillows 3 weeks in and bleeding) and she poo-pooed it. Basically, I am going to take PPs' advice and disengage. I won't even bring it up again unless she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your baby is healthy and you are feeling okay, I'd go to MILs house. However, I'd let her know ahead of time that if all is not well and you don't feel up to it -- you won't attend this year. End of story. Whatever you do -- don't offer to host. That is almost as crazy as MIL not understanding your need to stay home one year.

OP here. Yup, the one thing I got from this thread is that hosting is a crazy idea. No hosting will be happening (also, on further talking with DH, we both realized that BIL will not want to bring his two small children just to stay in a hotel in a city that's not his hometown, thus making this whole idea even less useful).

[Anonymous]

You are being so totally reasonable here it's actually almost funny that this is even a question. I feel like we often see these "in-laws are making demands questions" but when you read the post the poster is also offering no choices and the fault lies on both sides. In your case, I am actually mystified as to which part your MIL has a problem with? Didn't she have kids once? And doesn't she have other grandchildren? In what universe does she think it's reasonable to expect you to show up at her house for thanksgiving three weeks after a baby arrives?

Anyway, rest assured, you are right and your DH is wonderful for seeing that and taking your side. I would just disengage and let DH take over the conversation which should go something like "mom, we just can't tell right now what things will be like after the baby comes. Once baby is here then we can evaluate what makes sense." You have generously invited MIL and family down and you can keep that option open if you feel you can manage it (making clear all food will be ordered, eaten off paper plates, and everyone will be pitching in to help), but otherwise I would just wait to see whether it makes sense to 1) go there if say the baby comes super early, delivery is uncomplicated, and you maybe actually just want to get away and have relatives and cousins entertain DD for a while, 2) you send DH and DD if DD has a hard time with the adjustment and you maybe want or need the bonding time with baby, or 3) you have a quiet ordered in thanksgiving just the four of you, on paper plates, with no clean up, and you see the extended fam at Christmas. You'd be totally right making any of those choices.

[Anonymous]

MIL is unreasonable. You will be post partum with a new born. This is a rare occurrence. Do what you feel is right. Stand by your guns. Seriously OP.

I would send DH and my first born, and stay home. Hubby can bring you delicious leftovers.