Thangsgiving conflict - is MIL inreasonable or am I?
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Anonymous
DO not have others come to your house. You might not be able to care for yourself, let alone host. DH should make plans to stay with you and tentatively, if you are able to stay by yourself with the baby, then he can go. DH should have told his mother that because of the delivery date, you are not making any plans around that time. MIL sounds like a brat. |
Anonymous
-1 Spoken like someone who never gave birth. You don't know if she will have complications. In most families, the women do all of the holiday prep, including cooking. Why would she sign up for all of that during this time? Besides, a newborn isn't supposed to be around so many people this early on. |
Anonymous
The person you're quoting probably meant that Thanksgiving at her place will *only* be the her, DH, and the two kids. I don't think PP was suggesting OP host. |
Anonymous
I think that's what PP is saying.... |
Anonymous
| We had to skip Christmas at my parent's house the year my son was born bc he was about 6 days old. Logistics were a bit different and it made me really sad (1st Christmas I ever missed) and I think my parents were upset but kept that to themselves. Sometimes you just have to miss things when there is a new baby. MIL is being unreasonable. Just do your own thing this year and you'll see them at the next gathering. |
Anonymous
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OP, did you just tell her this recently? Maybe she's freaking out because it's taking her longer to process change. ,y mom (in her 70s) is like this. Flips out at the beginning but eventually calms herself down. Maybe your MIL will too.
But I vote NOT hosting first and foremost. Your MiL will get over your absense one year. |
Anonymous
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MIL is being unreasonable. For some people it is a really important thing to host family holidays. When that opportunity is taken away from them, they tend to lose reasonable thought because they are so emotionally invested in the tradition they have in their head that they want to maintain. They come off looking ridiculous and unreasonable (they are) but it's more their emotional difficulties with letting go of the tradition.
Decide what works for your family and move on. Let MIL continue to stew about it and she can either come to you or not come at all. I wouldn't let the discussion continue much after you made your decision. |
Anonymous
| OP, your mistake was to give her any explanation at all. The germs, the drive, blah blah-- you are just giving her an opening to argue with you. You will have a newborn, you won't be coming this year, we'll see you at Christmas! The end. Quit explaining yourself. While having a newborn is a perfectly valid reason for not coming, you really don't need any reason at all other than your family decided not to come this year. Your MIL does not get to dictate how you spend your holidays. Period. |
Anonymous
| Don't go, and Lord have mercy, don't host. |
Anonymous
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A newborn (younger than 3 months) should ideally not be exposed to a large group of people indoors. So Thanksgiving will be just you, spouse and children. It will be quiet and wonderful, and you will have fond memories of it. No guilt, no explanations to anyone! You gave away far too much power to MIL with so many options and an apologetic tone to boot. Makes me think she's the type of person who likes getting her own way and you've been a doormat all these years. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't go, I wouldn't host and I would hope DH would want to stay home with me after just giving birth. I love my MIL but everyone has personal limits. Some are ready to bounce right back into normal life after giving birth. I am not one of those people! |
Anonymous
| Maybe MIL would like to host an early fall Thanksgiving dinner. |
Anonymous
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I am a MIL, too, and I would advise as the other woman did that you have no idea how things will play out with the birth of a new baby. You seem to forget that this is also going to be a "major change" in the life of your daughter, and it will be important to have things as calm and normal for her in helping her adjust to the new person in her life, too,without added stress on you or DH. Whenever the baby is born AND you could even be overdue, it is key that this will be a very young baby in a very hard time of th eyear with enough germs coming in from his sister's activities who does not need over exposure to a band of relatives. And, as others have said, you do not need to be hosting nything. You should do Thanksgiving at home as a family as your DH is so wise to say. This should have been a non-issue from the very beginning, and especially since you see them very often and have Christmas planned to be with them this year in any case. It does no use to go on and on, the decision has been made and next time MIL brings it up, say you will look forward to showing her the new grandchild and spending the Christmas holiday with her. |
Anonymous
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MIL sounds like my mom..she forgot how hard newborns are and NEEDS the ego boost/narcissistic supply of cooking during the holidays. Turns super psycho starting around Halloween.
At three weeks pp I was soaking through pads...one for downstairs and two breast pads. Skip it...let DH and DD go so you can do the mythical "nap while the baby sleeps" |
Anonymous
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I just wanted to chime in to say that I think I know where your mother-in-law may be coming from. If she is used to having her entire family together every other year for the holidays, that is a rare and special family tradition. If this is the first year that someone will not be there, she is probably afraid that it is the beginning of the end. I.e., that this year someone won't be able to come because of the new baby, then next year someone will have some other reason, and before you know it the tradition stops happening altogether.
That said, I in no way think you are unreasonable. I just think it helps to have some kind of empathy and understanding for why people get so emotional. I would have the following conversation: "MIL, I hear that you are still upset about our decision regarding this Thanksgiving. I am so sorry that that is not going to work for us, but we are comfortable with our decision and with the reasons behind it. It is no longer open for discussion. I hope that we can have peace on the subject, so that we will still feel comfortable visiting at Christmas and at future thanksgivings. That is a tradition that means so much to myself, DH, and DD." |