Do I let him go or is there hope?

[Anonymous]

About 6 months ago I met an amazing man on an online dating site. We clicked pretty quickly and developed a strong connection. We waited a long time (a few months) to become intimate. I am divorced (was married 12 years) and he is separated from his wife. He lives abroad but was here because this is where his wife and children moved (she is from the US) after they separated. The wife and children will remain here and he will go back to his country and visit every few months and to come take his children back for holidays, etc. . . .

Anyway, he has now been back in his country for about a month and his divorce will be official next week. While I have developed very strong feelings for him, I realize that our situation is unlikely to work because 1. He lives so far away 2. he needs time to get over the divorce and figure out his life. When he first went back we texted often but eventually the texting became less and less. I told him that I needed to let him go to get on with his life and process the divorce. We didn't talk for awhile and then a few weeks ago out of the blue I got a text from him saying he misses me and wants to be friends. I asked him to define friends. He wants us to have a strong friendship where we talk about our lives and we go out to eat when he is here to catch up, etc. I told him that due to the fact that I really like him I would be unable to do that. I think that that kind of friendship would mess with my mind.

He is coming to visit in July and I am wondering if I made the right choice. Should I be friends with him and see him whenever he visits and hope that a relationship will one day occur or should I move on and cease all contact with him? His divorce is official next week and I want to reach out to him but I am not sure if I should. Any insight would be very helpful thanks.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't trust or believe a word he says.

[Anonymous]

I think your first instinct was correct. It's hard, but I'm sure you will find someone special, OP. You seem very grounded and non-crazy, which I'm finding out from these boards is a rare gem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your first instinct was correct. It's hard, but I'm sure you will find someone special, OP. You seem very grounded and non-crazy, which I'm finding out from these boards is a rare gem.

OP here. Thanks PP! I suppose it is best I let him go for good. It is just really hard because I honestly have never had a connection with anyone like I did with him (ex husband included). I honestly feel like I will never find that again.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Totally forgot about this:

He told me that I should move on and date other people but wants to have a special friendship with me because we have such a strong connection. He does not expect to have a sexual relationship with me. He wants us to share stories and meet up when he is here. What do I make of this? Please help me understand this. . . very un-guy like!

[Anonymous]

He views you more as a sibling/friend. You are back burner chick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He views you more as a sibling/friend. You are back burner chick.

Thanks for your honesty. Definitely do NOT want to be back burner chick!

[Anonymous]

I remember you, OP. You posted about this a month or so ago. The consensus then was to let him go. Not only is it too soon for him, he is also is not that interested in you (painful to hear, I know, but no man in pursuit would tell a woman he just wants a friendship without the sex part). You are his back-up, convenient when he is in the US girl. Don't be that girl. Self-respect. The right guy is out there. But you wont find him until you extracate yourself from this mess of a situation. Stop responding to his texts and let him move on and yourself move on to bigger, better and brighter things!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember you, OP. You posted about this a month or so ago. The consensus then was to let him go. Not only is it too soon for him, he is also is not that interested in you (painful to hear, I know, but no man in pursuit would tell a woman he just wants a friendship without the sex part). You are his back-up, convenient when he is in the US girl. Don't be that girl. Self-respect. The right guy is out there. But you wont find him until you extracate yourself from this mess of a situation. Stop responding to his texts and let him move on and yourself move on to bigger, better and brighter things!!

OP here. Thank you for your post. I totally agree with you that it is way too soon for him. What I don't understand is why he contacted me a few weeks after I told him that I needed to let him go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember you, OP. You posted about this a month or so ago. The consensus then was to let him go. Not only is it too soon for him, he is also is not that interested in you (painful to hear, I know, but no man in pursuit would tell a woman he just wants a friendship without the sex part). You are his back-up, convenient when he is in the US girl. Don't be that girl. Self-respect. The right guy is out there. But you wont find him until you extracate yourself from this mess of a situation. Stop responding to his texts and let him move on and yourself move on to bigger, better and brighter things!!

divorced guy here - your instincts are spot on. and as a guy, I have to agree with the PP - no man only wants to be friends with an attractive woman. he may be a nice guy but he's playing a little bit with you (knowingly or unknowingly) by saying that sex is off the table - you've already slept together he knows you have/had developed feelings for him so it's a bit of an act - probably due to the fact that he's going through the emotional roller coaster of the divorce. and while I don't condone using any woman like that, I can understand where he's coming from - he found new intimacy in midst of his personal maelstrom and it's very tough to let it go even if what he really wants is mostly sex.

you need to just stop the communication - it hurts but if it's essential for your own mental well-being. GL

[Anonymous]

I tried to be friends with someone I had a short relationship with...a very intense one. It was too hard and I think it kept me from meeting other people. I met them but kept comparing to my connection with him and they didn't measure up. At least you need to let it go for now.

[Anonymous]

Let him go - it will go nowhere and will prevent you from meeting other people, especially because you have strong feelings for him already. Even if he was ready for a relationship (and clearly he isn't), the fact that you live in different countries would be a deal-breaker in and of itself. But the fact that he is coming off a divorce and seems to want his cake and eat it too...no way. You don't need a crystal ball to see with certainty that this would end with you feeling way, way more hurt and unfulfilled than you do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your first instinct was correct. It's hard, but I'm sure you will find someone special, OP. You seem very grounded and non-crazy, which I'm finding out from these boards is a rare gem.

OP here. Thanks PP! I suppose it is best I let him go for good. It is just really hard because I honestly have never had a connection with anyone like I did with him (ex husband included). I honestly feel like I will never find that again.

This is probably true, you will not find that connection again. The man is fresh off a divorce, probably not ready to dive head first into another serious relationship, is being honest about that, and the consensus is throw him under the bus. How about, move on DATE other people, stay friends or in touch with him as he works through the aftermath of his divorce. Over time, and if you act like an adult not intent on burning bridges, your relationship may take off again. Maybe it won't but you can decide down the road if you want to remain friends with him. If you cut it off, and tell him you need a full commitment like wife #2, then it will certainly be the end. Unless you have a better option waiting in the wings, why are you dissing this upfront and honest guy?

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for the poor guy! He bravely asked if you guys could be friends. I'd love to have a friend like him! Sheesh. He didn't deserve to be shot down by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I feel sorry for the poor guy! He bravely asked if you guys could be friends. I'd love to have a friend like him! Sheesh. He didn't deserve to be shot down by you.

Huh? How is she shooting him down? She's being honest with him about her feelings, and that she cares too much for him romantically to have a platonic friendship - he knows that but still can't offer her anything more.