Single Mom considering job offer in DC - would I be miserable?

[Anonymous]

Hello, I am a single mom (by choice, no dad involved) and have a job offer in DC that I am considering. I currently live in a quiet, lovely, very easy and inexpensive western town where I have a wonderful support community. My kids are 3 and 5 - the older is starting kindergarten and the younger has hearing loss and so she has some special needs for a good, language-intensive preschool and possibly speech therapy appointments. I am between traditional jobs and freelancing to make ends meet. We are not desperate for money, but a good federal job with security and benefits would be wonderful. I think I'd enjoy the work and DC has a lot to offer us. However, I am very concerned about the cost and logistics (commuting) of living there. The job only pays 80K but has good promotion potential (GS11-13).

I am pondering our potential daily schedule, and I just can't get it to work out. I would appreciate any insights, like "yes, that's what your life would be" or "it may not be that bad and this is why" or "it would be worse than that and you would be crazy to move here.". If I made more money we might be able to live closer to work (near Union Station) in a nice home, but with that salary and childcare costs I've been looking into Silver Spring, Takoma Park, Rockville, Arlington, Alexandria. I'm not really a city person but could live inside DC if it meant good and free school for both kids and an easier daily schedule, as long as we could live in a safe area. So here's what I'm thinking a workday would look like:

1 hour (minimum) needed to get kids to school and me to work, same at end of day
8 hours working
half hour lunch
half hour misc. (metro delay, stop at grocery store, etc)
All that equals 11 hours each work day away from home, say 7 am to 6 pm. The kids need at least 11 hours of sleep, say 7 pm to 6 am. That gives us one hour in the am and 1 hr in the pm to live, 5 days per week.

How on earth do single parents live that reality? Seems it would be entirely different with a 2 parent household, since you could do the "one work early / one work late" and at least the kids would still be with a parent.

I like my kids. A lot! I want meaningful time with them every day. As much as I'd like to take this job, would I ever see my children?

[Anonymous]

I'm also a single mom by choice. Here are some realities. At that salary level with childcare and therapy appointments, you're not going to live in a "nice house" in the areas you mentioned unless you're pulling a ton of equity out of where you are. You may be able to rent something in some of those areas. Your kids won't go to bed at 7, either. See if you can do some telecommuting in your job. You will need to save your leave for snow days and school breaks. You don't get to do errands on the way home, because aftercare likely closes at six in the nose.

Honestly, the issue you are going to face is $$. If you don't have a big support network here, you have to do with $$ what other people do with a spouse. But it's doable - you just have to be be disciplined and plan. In DC as a single working mom, it is not a "step back and smell the roses" kind of life.

[Anonymous]

I would not do it! I think your quality of living will go down greatly from where you are. Maybe re-investigate when the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Depending on where you live, you might need more time for commuting (unfortunately). There are good programs for kids with special needs in the area but you may not know right away where your DC will be placed ( or what she will qualify for) which could add to your commuting issues. I would do some research into special needs programs and locations as well as rent prices. Even one bedroom apartments are pretty pricey in the area. It's doable but it may be very hard until you figure things out. You could think about hiring sometime to help with drop off and/or pick up to help make life easier. As someone who is in the process of becoming a SMBC, there is a strong network of SMBC moms in the area and they plan outings and get togethers through the DC local chapter.

[Anonymous]

As a single mom, without any support network, I would not encourage you to give that up. It's very stressful to be the only person who can pick up DS (and I only have one!) when sick, to take to dentist and doctor appointments, to cover on snow days when preschool is closed... When he needs forms filled out (summer camp involved a lot of health forms), I find it stressful to get these filled out. There are a lot of other things you probably take for granted, too: if I forget to buy something at the grocery store and then I want to cook tomorrow's dinner after DS goes to bed, I'm screwed. If I get a cold, he watches a lot of movies and we limp by.

Assuming you still want to do this, I have one other item you might consider.

For us (and I only have one, so I get it's different), I exchanged a commute for space. We are in a highrise and we do not have a lot of space. But I spend 15 -20 minutes on my commute, and I prefer to have the time with DS. We go to playgrounds and free concerts and try not to be a nuisance to our neighbors (he's LOUD because he's 4), and he probably has fewer toys than most of his cohort, but I really think for us this is a good choice.

GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm also a single mom by choice. Here are some realities. At that salary level with childcare and therapy appointments, you're not going to live in a "nice house" in the areas you mentioned unless you're pulling a ton of equity out of where you are. You may be able to rent something in some of those areas. Your kids won't go to bed at 7, either. See if you can do some telecommuting in your job. You will need to save your leave for snow days and school breaks. You don't get to do errands on the way home, because aftercare likely closes at six in the nose.

Honestly, the issue you are going to face is $$. If you don't have a big support network here, you have to do with $$ what other people do with a spouse. But it's doable - you just have to be be disciplined and plan. In DC as a single working mom, it is not a "step back and smell the roses" kind of life.

+1

There are some living wage studies that found that a single mother of 2 in MoCo needs to earn $70k just to stay above the poverty line.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom of one, with all of my family on the West Coast. I make it work by living in a close-in neighborhood in DC in a condo I bought in 2001. This gives me a short commute and minimal errand time. I order a lot of stuff online as well.

As others have noted, the big issue is childcare during snow days, school breaks etc. I make 110K, and it's still quite expensive, although mine will be in public school in the fall, which will save me some cash.

I do like living here, however, There are tons of great free things for kids to do - museums, theater, concerts, parks etc. It's easy to meet like minded people. For me, that would be people who believe that education and community service are important, but it's a big city, and there are interest groups for whatever floats your boat.

[Anonymous]

That would probably be enough for one child but not two (and one with special needs). I make $50K and have one child is before/after school care and it is enough but just barely. I don't own a home either and probably never will.

[Anonymous]

One advantage to DC, especially EOTP DC, is free pre-K for your younger kid. This saved us a lot of money in the last two years as our older child was in K-1st and our younger was in PK-3 and 4. We live near Union Station. If you were willing to rent or live in a condo, you could be in-bounds for Ludlow-Taylor or Maury and be able to send your kids to school for free and pay only for aftercare. There are 2-bedrooms to be had in the neighborhood for a little over 2k/month. We bought in this neighborhood when we made right around 100k. It was a struggle to pay for childcare on that income (we both work full-time) but it eased up considerably once the kids started school. And now we've both gotten significant raises, making life easier. And you really can't beat this neighborhood for child-friendliness. So many kids, so much to do.

[Anonymous]

Have you checked into what types of programs might be available for your dc with special needs in the areas you could move to? Most people who move to the DC area (including MD and VA) are disappointed with the services. Having to fight for services without a support network sounds horrific to me (not to mention financially draining). I moved to the DC area with a special needs child (and two incomes) and moved out 5 years later. If you need to leave your town for a better opportunity for yourself financially, I would try to find an area that has good services for your child (depending on how severe the hearing loss is). I know it's hard to turn down a secure job with benefits but I would keep looking.

[Anonymous]

A lot of naysayers, but realize OP doesn't currently have any job? A Federal job offers a lot of positive options, in that they are considered generally stable employment with relatively steady hours. She could end up working somewhere where she has to work 45-50 hrs a week, which would translate to a similar hours away from home here. With a Fed job, she may be able to telecommute too.

So couple of options:

1) Rent a 1 bedroom close in (depending on job, we're talking Arlington or Bethesda assuming you want high performing schools) that runs around $1500. Get some decent inhome daycare for $900 and your extend day costs should be fairly manageable. Your will cut your commute down greatly, and for times when you need help picking up try to buddy up with another parent at daycare or line up a few sitters from sitterycity that you can call on in a pinch. This will be a hussle, and no privacy (think bunk beds in living room setup), but you will maximize time with kids and lock in a steady job. When kids get older and need their own space, you may a) be making more or b) be able to move further out since you will have lower childcare costs.

2) Find another single mom and become roommates. Basically buddy up for a while to get yourself situated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you checked into what types of programs might be available for your dc with special needs in the areas you could move to? Most people who move to the DC area (including MD and VA) are disappointed with the services. Having to fight for services without a support network sounds horrific to me (not to mention financially draining). I moved to the DC area with a special needs child (and two incomes) and moved out 5 years later. If you need to leave your town for a better opportunity for yourself financially, I would try to find an area that has good services for your child (depending on how severe the hearing loss is). I know it's hard to turn down a secure job with benefits but I would keep looking.

Does anyone know any school districts that do provide good services? I feel the recent housing bust has drained overall funding and this is one of the things that get cut, sadly.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is your set up now? How much do you pay in rent/mortgage? What is your childcare like?

I think we need to see what you are comparing DC to.

[Anonymous]

You could live somewhere like Kensington and get the marc in to Union Station.

I think 2 hours per day with the kids is about what most of us get, even with two working parents. Many jobs in DC expect long hours. It is not a relaxing place to be.

A big factor is the approach to work/life balance in your job. Some places (like the Treasury) are terrible for that, other departments are much better.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, but I don't think having two kids just on one GS-13 salary would be enough. Sure, there special needs preschools here in the area but most of them are half-day so you will still need after care. And being a government employee you are not really allowed to do much of outside consulting. Even selling Mary Kay products is frowned upon.