No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

There are not enough eye roll emojis is the world to adequately respond to this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people who leave their kids all the time to go to work, other parties, the gym, etc, get so worked up against this.

I had no kids OTHER than family at my wedding. I did invite related kids. I am glad they were there. But I don't feel like it's offensive if relatives don't invite my kids.

Because they want to show off their kids to family/friends who don't see them all the time - whether they will admit to this reason or not.

"Show off" is an odd word choice; I don't think anyone is impressed by my eight year old. I do like when my kids get to see their family and friends, though. It helps build social bonds, which are important. I've never fought with anyone over kids at weddings, but I think weddings are better with kids.

Sounds like you want a family reunion. Plan and pay for one yourself.

I did. It was my wedding. Part of the purpose of a wedding, to normal, non-deranged people, is to see family and friends.

Oh, grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

Actually, most cultures around the world do not do childless weddings. When I’ve discussed this with international friends everyone finds the concept weird!

+1. It's the insane individualism of certain strains of American culture that even make this idea possible. In cultures that see weddings as communal-family events, of which there are still plenty in America just outside UMC circles in big cities. The idea of "it's your big day, do what you want!" or bristling at the idea that you might have an obligation to other people is a way of starting a "marriage" that leads to the results you can see down the hall in the relationships forum.

Okay, but just as it would be rude and kind of weird for an American to lambaste events in another culture for not being like they do it back home (and it's crass when clueless Americans do this), so it's pretty rude and weird to do it here.

I'm American. It doesn't take a foreigner to see the rot.

Most of us are focusing on the true rot of our society: gun violence, misinformation, environmental threats, poverty, lack of support for mothers, a convicted felon as president. We don’t get worked up over parties that other people are planning and paying for. If we want family reunions, we plan and pay for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

There are not enough eye roll emojis is the world to adequately respond to this nonsense.

Honestly the nonsense is the notion of a fully grown adult woman stomping her foot because she feels “upstaged” by her toddler nephew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

Actually, most cultures around the world do not do childless weddings. When I’ve discussed this with international friends everyone finds the concept weird!

+1. It's the insane individualism of certain strains of American culture that even make this idea possible. In cultures that see weddings as communal-family events, of which there are still plenty in America just outside UMC circles in big cities. The idea of "it's your big day, do what you want!" or bristling at the idea that you might have an obligation to other people is a way of starting a "marriage" that leads to the results you can see down the hall in the relationships forum.

Okay, but just as it would be rude and kind of weird for an American to lambaste events in another culture for not being like they do it back home (and it's crass when clueless Americans do this), so it's pretty rude and weird to do it here.

I'm American. It doesn't take a foreigner to see the rot.

Most of us are focusing on the true rot of our society: gun violence, misinformation, environmental threats, poverty, lack of support for mothers, a convicted felon as president. We don’t get worked up over parties that other people are planning and paying for. If we want family reunions, we plan and pay for them.

It’s just so … odd that you think people are somehow taking advantage of weddings to see their relatives. If that’s your belief then bridezillas should just hire actors or even better AI avatars. Then everyone will behave totally appropriately and it will be all about HER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

Actually, most cultures around the world do not do childless weddings. When I’ve discussed this with international friends everyone finds the concept weird!

+1. It's the insane individualism of certain strains of American culture that even make this idea possible. In cultures that see weddings as communal-family events, of which there are still plenty in America just outside UMC circles in big cities. The idea of "it's your big day, do what you want!" or bristling at the idea that you might have an obligation to other people is a way of starting a "marriage" that leads to the results you can see down the hall in the relationships forum.

Okay, but just as it would be rude and kind of weird for an American to lambaste events in another culture for not being like they do it back home (and it's crass when clueless Americans do this), so it's pretty rude and weird to do it here.

I'm American. It doesn't take a foreigner to see the rot.

Most of us are focusing on the true rot of our society: gun violence, misinformation, environmental threats, poverty, lack of support for mothers, a convicted felon as president. We don’t get worked up over parties that other people are planning and paying for. If we want family reunions, we plan and pay for them.

It’s just so … odd that you think people are somehow taking advantage of weddings to see their relatives. If that’s your belief then bridezillas should just hire actors or even better AI avatars. Then everyone will behave totally appropriately and it will be all about HER.

Why are you so focused on bashing women? Do you know that men get married, too? Sometimes even to each other (gasp!)? The one aspect of our wedding that my MIL got upset about was my husband’s priority/wish. (And no, it wasn’t no kids—we had kids at our wedding.) Did you know that grooms plan weddings, too, and sometimes even dare to have opinions and preferences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

It’s their wedding. Your kids aren’t nearly as cute or special as you think/thought they are/were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Weddings have always been traditionally family event with two families coming together and a new family starting. But a few years ago, there was a change to make everything perfect, Instagram worthy and aspirational so out with imperfect kids. I also think it goes hand-in-hand with parents, not parenting their kids which is a huge incentive to not have kids at a wedding.

Personally, I would rather have kids at my wedding, then have a perfect wedding, and I would definitely rather be inclusive of kids than lose and alienate family members.

Likewise family members should understand when a couple chooses to only have an adult only ceremony and not break relationships because they can’t bring their kids

The bigger shift is the couple paying for the wedding. If mom is paying, the grand kids and nieces and nephews are part of the deal because wedding have traditionally been family reunions

My wedding had a set limit of people. Sorry second cousins who I have minimal relationship with, I want to have some of my friends at the wedding I'm paying for.

Kids plates also weren't significantly discounted. I wasn't really feeling dropping $100+ for a kid that I'm not close to to attend. Not to mention the venue has finite space.

You paid, you decide. If I'm paying, I'm seeing my grandkids

Cool story, MeeMaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

Actually, most cultures around the world do not do childless weddings. When I’ve discussed this with international friends everyone finds the concept weird!

+1. It's the insane individualism of certain strains of American culture that even make this idea possible. In cultures that see weddings as communal-family events, of which there are still plenty in America just outside UMC circles in big cities. The idea of "it's your big day, do what you want!" or bristling at the idea that you might have an obligation to other people is a way of starting a "marriage" that leads to the results you can see down the hall in the relationships forum.

Okay, but just as it would be rude and kind of weird for an American to lambaste events in another culture for not being like they do it back home (and it's crass when clueless Americans do this), so it's pretty rude and weird to do it here.

I'm American. It doesn't take a foreigner to see the rot.

Most of us are focusing on the true rot of our society: gun violence, misinformation, environmental threats, poverty, lack of support for mothers, a convicted felon as president. We don’t get worked up over parties that other people are planning and paying for. If we want family reunions, we plan and pay for them.

It’s just so … odd that you think people are somehow taking advantage of weddings to see their relatives. If that’s your belief then bridezillas should just hire actors or even better AI avatars. Then everyone will behave totally appropriately and it will be all about HER.

Nobody's taking advantage of it if they are willing to either go or not to the party, and just let it be someone's party.

If you're upset that someone else didn't set up their party to benefit you and yours in a particular way? Then yeah, that's kind of feeling entitled to something and expecting it to be provided.

Things change. If you want a reunion, why not have one? Are you going to get mad if not enough people either die or get married in a certain 3 year span that you are deprived of one then? It's kind of weird. Just have a reunion, then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

No, it is THEIR wedding. The day is literally all about them. They are entitled to want the first dance, the dance with Bride/Dad, Bride/Mom, Groom/Mom, cutting the cake and anything else to happen without a rude, obnoxious, unparented kid ruining it. That is why they didn't invite the kids---it's the simplest, easiest way to ensure that does not occur. they also likely know you are a relative and do not believe in helping your kids behave (or even expecting them to behave) so it's easiest to just not have the kids there

I know how it could be ALL about the bride and groom: invite nobody! Or invite only paid actors who look and perform exactly how Bridezilla wants. The notion that guests are there as the audience for the bride’s Big Day is just very sad and narcissistic. Weddings have always been about more than the couple.

You are so incredibly absurd. Truly. Amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

Actually, most cultures around the world do not do childless weddings. When I’ve discussed this with international friends everyone finds the concept weird!

+1. It's the insane individualism of certain strains of American culture that even make this idea possible. In cultures that see weddings as communal-family events, of which there are still plenty in America just outside UMC circles in big cities. The idea of "it's your big day, do what you want!" or bristling at the idea that you might have an obligation to other people is a way of starting a "marriage" that leads to the results you can see down the hall in the relationships forum.

Okay, but just as it would be rude and kind of weird for an American to lambaste events in another culture for not being like they do it back home (and it's crass when clueless Americans do this), so it's pretty rude and weird to do it here.

I'm American. It doesn't take a foreigner to see the rot.

Things have changes. Maybe what is rot for you is an improvement for others -- opinions vary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A fine age to learn that she is a second class family member in her uncles eyes.

Grooooow uuuuuuup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't go to my brother's second wedding because my kids weren't invited. I live out of state and all family was going to the wedding. By not inviting my kids it meant I couldn't go. I didn't want to anyway, so it was an easy decision. I didn't want to go because my family is clueless and abusive, and this was just another example of their cluelessness.

But had you wanted to attend, you could have left them home with your husband and gone alone. Or travel to the wedding area, and hire a sitter for your kids. There are many viable solutions

+1
It's fine to not attend a wedding if your kids aren't invited. But don't pretend it's some impossible task to attend if they aren't invited. There are any options available. If you don't want to choose them, fine, but that's your choice. You are choosing not to attend. Own it.

You guys must not like your families. Personally, I cannot imagine not having my family at my wedding. What's the point?

Having the wedding you want. The fact that so many of you cannot or will not understand that is incredible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A wedding is and should be whatever the two people getting married want it to be. That said, they must be gracious if people decline to attend for any reason, including child care.

But no, "two families" are not getting married; two individuals are. So it's whatever they want. If you don't like it, decline. No one owes you a family reunion. If you want a family reunion, plan, pay for and host one. The end.

This. The anger is on both sides. If someone declines because travel with kids and then unknown babysitter in a new place is undesirable, the the bride/groomzillas need to accept that.

Frankly if I were having a distance wedding with travelers with young kids I’d 1) have a reception open to kids (maybe not ceremony); and 2) I’d either provide babysitting or make a list for guests.

bride/groomzillas?
As has been pointed out, THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU DECLINE. Why do you think you're so special? Just send a gift and decline. Done.

Lol I'm not sending a gift but thanks

Oh, we already knew that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brides who want to control their wedding like that are narcissists so of course they’ll be upset if you don’t go. They’d prefer more people there to give them complete attention.

You’re absurd.