I think I’m going to have to contact my husband’s affair partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP I contacted her. Fairly innocuous note asking a few clarifying questions and empathizing with the many lies he told her. No response. I able to let this go now, not sure I can explain why, but I am.

Fwiw, this young woman is very troubled. I don’t consider her any one my husband would have chosen long term. She’s attractive, I’m attractive, but yes she was younger and “new”

Did your husband tell you she is troubled? He will do it again if younger and new is what he is after.

[Anonymous]

Husband sounds like a predator, why specifically target someone "troubled"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP I contacted her. Fairly innocuous note asking a few clarifying questions and empathizing with the many lies he told her. No response. I able to let this go now, not sure I can explain why, but I am.

Fwiw, this young woman is very troubled. I don’t consider her any one my husband would have chosen long term. She’s attractive, I’m attractive, but yes she was younger and “new”

Your husband was eager and willing to risk it all to be with this "troubled" young woman. I'm sure he told her how insane/troubled you are, how miserable you make him. You helped to prove his point by reaching out and blathering to this woman, btw. Now she has personal proof of it.

AP has moved on, probably to better men than your DH (because any other man is better than a cheater). Stop trying to get her to care about you or your failing, lackluster marriage. She doesn't. I doubt your DH cares either, he just doesn't want to lose half his net worth or find another place to live.

Highly cynical response. Frankly I’m a lot more than the AP she was easy and yes troubled. I hate that my husband either knowingly or subconsciously knew that and took advantage of it. It’s a sad situation all around. Net worth concerns not in play we are both independently in very good financial positions. Marriages go thorough hard times does not mean they are permanently “lack luster” my husband and I are doing a ton of work and are very optimistic about the future. To be clear, if anything remotely similar happens he knows I will leave.

[Anonymous]

Your husband already doesn't respect you and doesn't GAF what you do, where you go, or if you stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP I contacted her. Fairly innocuous note asking a few clarifying questions and empathizing with the many lies he told her. No response. I able to let this go now, not sure I can explain why, but I am.

Fwiw, this young woman is very troubled. I don’t consider her any one my husband would have chosen long term. She’s attractive, I’m attractive, but yes she was younger and “new”

Your husband was eager and willing to risk it all to be with this "troubled" young woman. I'm sure he told her how insane/troubled you are, how miserable you make him. You helped to prove his point by reaching out and blathering to this woman, btw. Now she has personal proof of it.

AP has moved on, probably to better men than your DH (because any other man is better than a cheater). Stop trying to get her to care about you or your failing, lackluster marriage. She doesn't. I doubt your DH cares either, he just doesn't want to lose half his net worth or find another place to live.

Highly cynical response. Frankly I’m a lot more than the AP she was easy and yes troubled. I hate that my husband either knowingly or subconsciously knew that and took advantage of it. It’s a sad situation all around. Net worth concerns not in play we are both independently in very good financial positions. Marriages go thorough hard times does not mean they are permanently “lack luster” my husband and I are doing a ton of work and are very optimistic about the future. To be clear, if anything remotely similar happens he knows I will leave.

It seems very important to you to maintain the idea that the AP is troubled and inferior and your DH somehow took advantage of her. I guess I would question why this is the case and whether that is healthy for you. Do you think that your DH would have left you for her if she wasn’t “troubled?” Are there some fears associated with the infidelity that you are not addressing in therapy? Is that why you posted so many times? If I recall correctly your husband said some rather cruel things about you to the AP- how is he making amends? What is the hard work he is putting in?

[Anonymous]

Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

Thanks for this. I so agree. I suffer in silence due to the shame and fear of judgement about being betrayed. I didn’t tell anyone in my family or any friends. The two people I did tell I was very close too but now I’m so embarrassed that I basically have no contact with them anymore and it is such a loss of a relationship. They were very very close to us and our kids. The whole thing ruined a relationship.

The entire experience made me pull back from socializing and lose a lot of connections and people have no idea why. I am not a liar and keeping this inside makes it hard for me to be around people as I feel I’m “faking”. But I also don’t want the gossip and judgement that is associated with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

Thanks for this. I so agree. I suffer in silence due to the shame and fear of judgement about being betrayed. I didn’t tell anyone in my family or any friends. The two people I did tell I was very close too but now I’m so embarrassed that I basically have no contact with them anymore and it is such a loss of a relationship. They were very very close to us and our kids. The whole thing ruined a relationship.

The entire experience made me pull back from socializing and lose a lot of connections and people have no idea why. I am not a liar and keeping this inside makes it hard for me to be around people as I feel I’m “faking”. But I also don’t want the gossip and judgement that is associated with this.

Is that the main reason why you are staying with your cheating spouse, because you are worried people will judge you? This does not sound like a healthy life moving forward. You can leave and start a new life for yourself. I am on the other end of it, and I have never been happier. The thought of my life ex repulses me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

Thanks for this. I so agree. I suffer in silence due to the shame and fear of judgement about being betrayed. I didn’t tell anyone in my family or any friends. The two people I did tell I was very close too but now I’m so embarrassed that I basically have no contact with them anymore and it is such a loss of a relationship. They were very very close to us and our kids. The whole thing ruined a relationship.

The entire experience made me pull back from socializing and lose a lot of connections and people have no idea why. I am not a liar and keeping this inside makes it hard for me to be around people as I feel I’m “faking”. But I also don’t want the gossip and judgement that is associated with this.

Op I hope you are talking about ALL of these issues with your own individual therapist: the shame, the loss of friends, the things DH said about you during the affair, the things he told you about the affair, your thoughts on the AP, etc. You are in a lot of pain and you need more competent help than what DCUM can provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

Thanks for this. I so agree. I suffer in silence due to the shame and fear of judgement about being betrayed. I didn’t tell anyone in my family or any friends. The two people I did tell I was very close too but now I’m so embarrassed that I basically have no contact with them anymore and it is such a loss of a relationship. They were very very close to us and our kids. The whole thing ruined a relationship.

The entire experience made me pull back from socializing and lose a lot of connections and people have no idea why. I am not a liar and keeping this inside makes it hard for me to be around people as I feel I’m “faking”. But I also don’t want the gossip and judgement that is associated with this.

Op I hope you are talking about ALL of these issues with your own individual therapist: the shame, the loss of friends, the things DH said about you during the affair, the things he told you about the affair, your thoughts on the AP, etc. You are in a lot of pain and you need more competent help than what DCUM can provide.

I am not OP. And my situation is different in that spouse confessed and did everything right after. It’s not black and white. In the beginning I stayed for my kids. I have my own successful career. I was going to keep watching actions and playing it by ear. Things got better. My kids are thriving. Most days are very good. Significant progress has been made. If it were ever to happen again I’d be out. I was willing to give one chance/one strike after 23 years together as long as significant change and continued change was made. But, I was empathizing with the other pp that the betrayed really get it from both directions —the pain from the cheaters and then the pain of being judged for the choices they do or do not make after. If anyone deserves grace, it’s the victim in all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some people really mean 'comeuppance' when they speak of karma in these situations. IDK.

Oh, that is think is absolutely true. We all want to see the "bad people" get what is coming to them!! Thanks for using "comeuppance" in today's DCUM!!! Word of the day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

The women who get shamed for staying are the ones who are focusing their rage not at their spouses, but on the other woman. Holding a total stranger to a standard of behavior not met by someone you’re sleeping with isn’t rational. If you keep the husband you have to leave the AP alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

The women who get shamed for staying are the ones who are focusing their rage not at their spouses, but on the other woman. Holding a total stranger to a standard of behavior not met by someone you’re sleeping with isn’t rational. If you keep the husband you have to leave the AP alone.

Really?? Not at all. They get shamed for staying period, even those of us that had a boatload of rage at spouses when we found out. We are called doormats and low self-esteem and all other kinds of crap that couldn’t be further from the truth. You have zero idea what went on behind closed doors and what went down and what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband already doesn't respect you and doesn't GAF what you do, where you go, or if you stay.

That’s definitely not true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

Thanks for this. I so agree. I suffer in silence due to the shame and fear of judgement about being betrayed. I didn’t tell anyone in my family or any friends. The two people I did tell I was very close too but now I’m so embarrassed that I basically have no contact with them anymore and it is such a loss of a relationship. They were very very close to us and our kids. The whole thing ruined a relationship.

The entire experience made me pull back from socializing and lose a lot of connections and people have no idea why. I am not a liar and keeping this inside makes it hard for me to be around people as I feel I’m “faking”. But I also don’t want the gossip and judgement that is associated with this.

Op I hope you are talking about ALL of these issues with your own individual therapist: the shame, the loss of friends, the things DH said about you during the affair, the things he told you about the affair, your thoughts on the AP, etc. You are in a lot of pain and you need more competent help than what DCUM can provide.

I am not OP. And my situation is different in that spouse confessed and did everything right after. It’s not black and white. In the beginning I stayed for my kids. I have my own successful career. I was going to keep watching actions and playing it by ear. Things got better. My kids are thriving. Most days are very good. Significant progress has been made. If it were ever to happen again I’d be out. I was willing to give one chance/one strike after 23 years together as long as significant change and continued change was made. But, I was empathizing with the other pp that the betrayed really get it from both directions —the pain from the cheaters and then the pain of being judged for the choices they do or do not make after. If anyone deserves grace, it’s the victim in all of this.

Completely agree