I think I’m going to have to contact my husband’s affair partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

Thanks for this. I so agree. I suffer in silence due to the shame and fear of judgement about being betrayed. I didn’t tell anyone in my family or any friends. The two people I did tell I was very close too but now I’m so embarrassed that I basically have no contact with them anymore and it is such a loss of a relationship. They were very very close to us and our kids. The whole thing ruined a relationship.

The entire experience made me pull back from socializing and lose a lot of connections and people have no idea why. I am not a liar and keeping this inside makes it hard for me to be around people as I feel I’m “faking”. But I also don’t want the gossip and judgement that is associated with this.

Op I hope you are talking about ALL of these issues with your own individual therapist: the shame, the loss of friends, the things DH said about you during the affair, the things he told you about the affair, your thoughts on the AP, etc. You are in a lot of pain and you need more competent help than what DCUM can provide.

This post that you responded to was not the OP

[Anonymous]

I’ve watched a friend and also a family member go through this recently. One is staying so far, the other immediately left his wife. It has taken a great deal of strength for each.No judgment from me for the chosen paths but the spouses feel like strangers to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

The women who get shamed for staying are the ones who are focusing their rage not at their spouses, but on the other woman. Holding a total stranger to a standard of behavior not met by someone you’re sleeping with isn’t rational. If you keep the husband you have to leave the AP alone.

That's simply not true. Women get shamed just for staying. Look at the recent poster telling OP her husband DGAF about her.

I know you're trying to be logical nothing you've said makes sense. Surely by keeping the husband, you had conversations with him about how he hurt you, right? So if you also have conversations with the OW about how she hurt you, then you are, in fact, holding them to the same standard. Some OW were friends with the BW; some OW crossed other lines. They don't get carte blanche just because a couple decided to reconcile.

If my loved one got killed by a drunk driver, would people shame me for wanting to make a victim impact statement? Would they say I'm obsessive and I deserved to lose my loved one and it was probably karma for some misdeed of mine that got my loved one crushed to a pulp? No.

It's not the person who suffered the loss who is obsessive . . . it's the person trying to assuage their guilt by yelling at victims on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

The women who get shamed for staying are the ones who are focusing their rage not at their spouses, but on the other woman. Holding a total stranger to a standard of behavior not met by someone you’re sleeping with isn’t rational. If you keep the husband you have to leave the AP alone.

That's simply not true. Women get shamed just for staying. Look at the recent poster telling OP her husband DGAF about her.

I know you're trying to be logical nothing you've said makes sense. Surely by keeping the husband, you had conversations with him about how he hurt you, right? So if you also have conversations with the OW about how she hurt you, then you are, in fact, holding them to the same standard. Some OW were friends with the BW; some OW crossed other lines. They don't get carte blanche just because a couple decided to reconcile.

If my loved one got killed by a drunk driver, would people shame me for wanting to make a victim impact statement? Would they say I'm obsessive and I deserved to lose my loved one and it was probably karma for some misdeed of mine that got my loved one crushed to a pulp? No.

It's not the person who suffered the loss who is obsessive . . . it's the person trying to assuage their guilt by yelling at victims on the internet.

I think in the drunk driver analogy the unfaithful spouse is the drunk driver and the AP is the person giving them a ton of alcohol. So there are levels of “guilt,” I guess. But if it weren’t that person giving them the alcohol, it’s quite possible it would be someone else. The drunk is the one with the main problem, and the person giving them alcohol is neglectful, irresponsible, also bad but not quite at the same level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

The women who get shamed for staying are the ones who are focusing their rage not at their spouses, but on the other woman. Holding a total stranger to a standard of behavior not met by someone you’re sleeping with isn’t rational. If you keep the husband you have to leave the AP alone.

That's simply not true. Women get shamed just for staying. Look at the recent poster telling OP her husband DGAF about her.

I know you're trying to be logical nothing you've said makes sense. Surely by keeping the husband, you had conversations with him about how he hurt you, right? So if you also have conversations with the OW about how she hurt you, then you are, in fact, holding them to the same standard. Some OW were friends with the BW; some OW crossed other lines. They don't get carte blanche just because a couple decided to reconcile.

If my loved one got killed by a drunk driver, would people shame me for wanting to make a victim impact statement? Would they say I'm obsessive and I deserved to lose my loved one and it was probably karma for some misdeed of mine that got my loved one crushed to a pulp? No.

It's not the person who suffered the loss who is obsessive . . . it's the person trying to assuage their guilt by yelling at victims on the internet.

I get the general idea of your comments. But you mention holding the AP to the same standard. Shouldn't BW be holding her DH, the person she actually has a contract with, to a much higher standard than the one she is holding the AP to?

[Anonymous]

I can't believe this thread continues, I tapped out after OP wanted a camera or radio. Guess there is a lot here that folks connect with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

The women who get shamed for staying are the ones who are focusing their rage not at their spouses, but on the other woman. Holding a total stranger to a standard of behavior not met by someone you’re sleeping with isn’t rational. If you keep the husband you have to leave the AP alone.

That's simply not true. Women get shamed just for staying. Look at the recent poster telling OP her husband DGAF about her.

I know you're trying to be logical nothing you've said makes sense. Surely by keeping the husband, you had conversations with him about how he hurt you, right? So if you also have conversations with the OW about how she hurt you, then you are, in fact, holding them to the same standard. Some OW were friends with the BW; some OW crossed other lines. They don't get carte blanche just because a couple decided to reconcile.

If my loved one got killed by a drunk driver, would people shame me for wanting to make a victim impact statement? Would they say I'm obsessive and I deserved to lose my loved one and it was probably karma for some misdeed of mine that got my loved one crushed to a pulp? No.

It's not the person who suffered the loss who is obsessive . . . it's the person trying to assuage their guilt by yelling at victims on the internet.

I get the general idea of your comments. But you mention holding the AP to the same standard. Shouldn't BW be holding her DH, the person she actually has a contract with, to a much higher standard than the one she is holding the AP to?

Yes. And most likely of us definitely do - both can be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe this thread continues, I tapped out after OP wanted a camera or radio. Guess there is a lot here that folks connect with.

I never wanted that ! That was some other poster. (I’m the OP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

The women who get shamed for staying are the ones who are focusing their rage not at their spouses, but on the other woman. Holding a total stranger to a standard of behavior not met by someone you’re sleeping with isn’t rational. If you keep the husband you have to leave the AP alone.

That's simply not true. Women get shamed just for staying. Look at the recent poster telling OP her husband DGAF about her.

I know you're trying to be logical nothing you've said makes sense. Surely by keeping the husband, you had conversations with him about how he hurt you, right? So if you also have conversations with the OW about how she hurt you, then you are, in fact, holding them to the same standard. Some OW were friends with the BW; some OW crossed other lines. They don't get carte blanche just because a couple decided to reconcile.

If my loved one got killed by a drunk driver, would people shame me for wanting to make a victim impact statement? Would they say I'm obsessive and I deserved to lose my loved one and it was probably karma for some misdeed of mine that got my loved one crushed to a pulp? No.

It's not the person who suffered the loss who is obsessive . . . it's the person trying to assuage their guilt by yelling at victims on the internet.

Yes, agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

But it's the truth. People who have their shit together don't sleep with married men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

But it's the truth. People who have their shit together don't sleep with married men.

But… the same could be said of the married man… a decent man and a good husband doesn’t sleep around on his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

:D

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

But it's the truth. People who have their shit together don't sleep with married men.

But… the same could be said of the married man… a decent man and a good husband doesn’t sleep around on his wife.

Yes, I didn't imply otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve watched a friend and also a family member go through this recently. One is staying so far, the other immediately left his wife. It has taken a great deal of strength for each.No judgment from me for the chosen paths but the spouses feel like strangers to me.

The wife was the cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

But it's the truth. People who have their shit together don't sleep with married men.

The married man is the one with the contract and the one who made vows of honesty and fidelity. The AP is just dating a guy who went out of his way to make himself available to her. But it's easier to rage at someone you don't know than at your spouse who betrayed you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have got to stop shaming other women for staying. This leads to a vicious cycle where people don't talk about infidelity, which means that we don't understand how common it is for long marriages to experience it. This ignorance of how many people face it (with a good number of them overcoming it) leads to more shaming, etc.

Once you've been cheated on, you're making your least bad choice out of bad choices. You need empathy and space to make the best decision for you. I'm a PP who shared on here that I asked both my best friend and my sister if they thought I was being crazy to stay. People who know and support me said no, my husband was still a good man and they thought we could do it.

This is a free internet forum and the advice varies greatly in worth, or lack thereof.

Thanks for this. I so agree. I suffer in silence due to the shame and fear of judgement about being betrayed. I didn’t tell anyone in my family or any friends. The two people I did tell I was very close too but now I’m so embarrassed that I basically have no contact with them anymore and it is such a loss of a relationship. They were very very close to us and our kids. The whole thing ruined a relationship.

The entire experience made me pull back from socializing and lose a lot of connections and people have no idea why. I am not a liar and keeping this inside makes it hard for me to be around people as I feel I’m “faking”. But I also don’t want the gossip and judgement that is associated with this.

Please. Everyone in your little world knows that your husband was cheating on you. You were likely the last one to know. The betrayed wife usually is.