Having an overweight teenage daughter is so hard

[Anonymous]

Will she workout or go for a walk or run with you? Go to an indoor rec. center w/ a pool for swimming or a swim class?

[Anonymous]

All of this makes me so sad. I missed whether OP ever said what her and the girl’s father’s body sizes and teenage growth trajectories were compared to the daughter.

People who spout “calories in < calories out”, “this is on you”, “have less snacks”, etc. can shove it. Especially the weirdo who wants a teenager to apply for life insurance.

Some bodies are just larger. Some bodies are biologically wired to hang on to every calorie. Some bodies are different shapes. When a daughter has a large framed father or obesity in her family tree and becomes larger than her mother as a teen, I agree that is hard for a lot of dumb societal reasons that shouldn’t matter, but they do. People who don’t understand that not all bodies are predisposed to a BMI of 22, have apparently never lived in a larger body. I have had an eating disorder, been a decorated HS athlete, been on ADHD stimulant meds / experienced dopamine seeking eating, and quit smoking. I have been a BMI of 16 and a BMI of 30.

Here’s my advice to OP.
Buy your daughter clothes that fit and flatter. If they need to be less expensive or more forgiving styles because you fear she’ll grow out of them, tell her it’s a budget constraint - not that you are sick of wasting money on clothes she’ll be too fat to wear next year.
Talk to the doctor about your concerns without her listening. Get her cholesterol and blood pressure checked along with her thyroid. Get her to an Ob/Gyn and have her checked for hormonal issues. If they find anything address is from a health standpoint- not a body size standpoint.
If all her health markers are good, be aware of how she moves and what she can and can’t do. Work with her or get her a trainer to address any concerns about strength and mobility if it’s limiting her quality of life. Address it as what her body can do. Not what it looks like.

Finally let go. You may have created her in your womb and fed and nurtured her all these years - but her body is her own. It is not yours to police. The size of her body is not a reflection on you or a moral failing in your part or hers. It’s just a body. Taking up space. Attached to someone you love. If people are judging you for her body, that says more about them than you.

Of course our hearts ache when our kids experience negative things. As a woman you know that going through life as a size 16 is harder than if you are a size 6. Some people may ignore her or fail to get to know her. Some people might be cruel to her. Focus on helping her be healthy at any size and being resilient and mentally healthy. That will help her long term no matter what body size she has as an adult.

[Anonymous]

When I was 16, the family doctor said I was “almost overweight”, at 128lbs and 5’4”. I hated myself after that appt and developed very unhealthy exercise/eating habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 16, the family doctor said I was “almost overweight”, at 128lbs and 5’4”. I hated myself after that appt and developed very unhealthy exercise/eating habits.

ETA, please be careful with your words.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry Op but I really just feel bad for your daughter. Try some unconditional love and empathy. Just love her for goodness sake. It’s attitudes like yours that devalue her. And she’ll feel that.
She quit being active - she’s young. It will probably stabilize. And if not, love your overweight and not even obese daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry Op but I really just feel bad for your daughter. Try some unconditional love and empathy. Just love her for goodness sake. It’s attitudes like yours that devalue her. And she’ll feel that.
She quit being active - she’s young. It will probably stabilize. And if not, love your overweight and not even obese daughter.

+1

Having a mother overly concerned about your appearance when you're a teenager is very, very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Consider having your daughter apply for an amount of life insurance that requires a physical. Once she is denied/rejected for coverage or only offered coverage at an extremely premium (rating), she may understand the need to seek medical help.

OP: You are 100% right to be concerned. This is both a mental health issue and an issue of physical health. Having a heart attack at a young age is unnecessary & preventable.

what the actual f*** is wrong with you

I can't think of anything I would have cared about less as a teen, than life insurance.

You know teens who are concerned about life insurance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Consider having your daughter apply for an amount of life insurance that requires a physical. Once she is denied/rejected for coverage or only offered coverage at an extremely premium (rating), she may understand the need to seek medical help.

OP: You are 100% right to be concerned. This is both a mental health issue and an issue of physical health. Having a heart attack at a young age is unnecessary & preventable.

what the actual f*** is wrong with you

I can't think of anything I would have cared about less as a teen, than life insurance.

You know teens who are concerned about life insurance?

I didn’t even know what life insurance was as a teen.
I’ll bet the poster who suggested it is the type to calculate how much gas they use to drive their kid to school and then deduct it from their allowance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Consider having your daughter apply for an amount of life insurance that requires a physical. Once she is denied/rejected for coverage or only offered coverage at an extremely premium (rating), she may understand the need to seek medical help.

OP: You are 100% right to be concerned. This is both a mental health issue and an issue of physical health. Having a heart attack at a young age is unnecessary & preventable.

what the actual f*** is wrong with you

I can't think of anything I would have cared about less as a teen, than life insurance.

You know teens who are concerned about life insurance?

I didn’t even know what life insurance was as a teen.
I’ll bet the poster who suggested it is the type to calculate how much gas they use to drive their kid to school and then deduct it from their allowance.

+1
She's the type to hand her child a formal letter PROOVING she's just as worthless dead as alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this makes me so sad. I missed whether OP ever said what her and the girl’s father’s body sizes and teenage growth trajectories were compared to the daughter.

People who spout “calories in < calories out”, “this is on you”, “have less snacks”, etc. can shove it. Especially the weirdo who wants a teenager to apply for life insurance.

Some bodies are just larger. Some bodies are biologically wired to hang on to every calorie. Some bodies are different shapes. When a daughter has a large framed father or obesity in her family tree and becomes larger than her mother as a teen, I agree that is hard for a lot of dumb societal reasons that shouldn’t matter, but they do. People who don’t understand that not all bodies are predisposed to a BMI of 22, have apparently never lived in a larger body. I have had an eating disorder, been a decorated HS athlete, been on ADHD stimulant meds / experienced dopamine seeking eating, and quit smoking. I have been a BMI of 16 and a BMI of 30.

Here’s my advice to OP.
Buy your daughter clothes that fit and flatter. If they need to be less expensive or more forgiving styles because you fear she’ll grow out of them, tell her it’s a budget constraint - not that you are sick of wasting money on clothes she’ll be too fat to wear next year.
Talk to the doctor about your concerns without her listening. Get her cholesterol and blood pressure checked along with her thyroid. Get her to an Ob/Gyn and have her checked for hormonal issues. If they find anything address is from a health standpoint- not a body size standpoint.
If all her health markers are good, be aware of how she moves and what she can and can’t do. Work with her or get her a trainer to address any concerns about strength and mobility if it’s limiting her quality of life. Address it as what her body can do. Not what it looks like.

Finally let go. You may have created her in your womb and fed and nurtured her all these years - but her body is her own. It is not yours to police. The size of her body is not a reflection on you or a moral failing in your part or hers. It’s just a body. Taking up space. Attached to someone you love. If people are judging you for her body, that says more about them than you.

Of course our hearts ache when our kids experience negative things. As a woman you know that going through life as a size 16 is harder than if you are a size 6. Some people may ignore her or fail to get to know her. Some people might be cruel to her. Focus on helping her be healthy at any size and being resilient and mentally healthy. That will help her long term no matter what body size she has as an adult.

Great advice, kindly given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will she work out or go for a walk or run with you? Go to an indoor rec. center w/ a pool for swimming or a swim class?

Why would her daughter want to spend any time with her? We spend a lot of time teaching our kids how to know whether someone really likes you and is your friend or if they're using you for the benefit of their own twisted self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will she work out or go for a walk or run with you? Go to an indoor rec. center w/ a pool for swimming or a swim class?

Why would her daughter want to spend any time with her? We spend a lot of time teaching our kids how to know whether someone really likes you and is your friend or if they're using you for the benefit of their own twisted self-esteem.

Oh stop. So you only have friends that tell you exactly what you want to hear versus what you need to hear? I would be so upset if my parents said nothing and just let it become a huge problem. Step up and parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will she work out or go for a walk or run with you? Go to an indoor rec. center w/ a pool for swimming or a swim class?

Why would her daughter want to spend any time with her? We spend a lot of time teaching our kids how to know whether someone really likes you and is your friend or if they're using you for the benefit of their own twisted self-esteem.

Oh stop. So you only have friends that tell you exactly what you want to hear versus what you need to hear? I would be so upset if my parents said nothing and just let it become a huge problem. Step up and parent!

I have friends who know the difference between what someone actually needs to hear and what they want to say. I have friends who know how to stay in their lane.

I have great friends and great kids. We all respect each other as individuals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will she work out or go for a walk or run with you? Go to an indoor rec. center w/ a pool for swimming or a swim class?

Why would her daughter want to spend any time with her? We spend a lot of time teaching our kids how to know whether someone really likes you and is your friend or if they're using you for the benefit of their own twisted self-esteem.

Oh stop. So you only have friends that tell you exactly what you want to hear versus what you need to hear? I would be so upset if my parents said nothing and just let it become a huge problem. Step up and parent!

I have friends who know the difference between what someone actually needs to hear and what they want to say. I have friends who know how to stay in their lane.

I have great friends and great kids. We all respect each other as individuals.

A child’s health is in the parents lane. You can be respectful about it (some on here clearly were not) but still address it. To let it go is neglectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry Op but I really just feel bad for your daughter. Try some unconditional love and empathy. Just love her for goodness sake. It’s attitudes like yours that devalue her. And she’ll feel that.
She quit being active - she’s young. It will probably stabilize. And if not, love your overweight and not even obese daughter.

+1

Having a mother overly concerned about your appearance when you're a teenager is very, very hard.

Its even harder when she ignores it as to "not push your buttons" and you gain 100 pounds due to a severe thyroid situation with only symptom being overeating....when no one offers therapy because you eat due to your emotions not because you like twinkies.....when you go from 250 to a normal weight of 140 once you are in your 20s and can get help yourself but you will forever be plagued with extra skin that no amount of exercise can undo...

yeah--so ignoring a reality does not make a reality go away.....