Having an overweight teenage daughter is so hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd us over wright as well, her pediatrician, therapist, and psychiatrist, say nothing. Too afraid being that she has high anxiety and had depressive issues i. Past. I am tip toeing as much as possible around her but if she asks me for an honest opinion, I always tell her constructively my answer. Today she askd me when I just got up if she looked fat in her sweatpants and sweatshirt (oversized). I told her yes, she got all upset and yelled at me. She was nasty all day. I was too tired in the AM to be “constructive” in my remarks, and I am sick of watching what I have to say all the time. When she’s witchy, which is a lot, I can barely look at her without getting disgusted. Sad, but true.

This thread has such a sad parade of absolutely horrible parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Would you guys be fine with a kid who is overweight?
You're saying it wouldn't both you at all?

You wouldn't worry about the health implications?

You really need some serious therapy yourself. Yikes.

You’re nuts.

No. She’s correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh was fat as a kid and teen. He has often said he wishes his parents would have helped him by teaching him about nutrition and fitness. You all are doing your kids a real disservice.

Not really. Studies show that all the education in nutrition and exercise in the world doesn’t really matter that much; most people have very little control over their weight. That’s why the new recommendations for pediatric obesity involve medication or even bariatric surgery for teenagers. The chances are high that even if his parents had tried everything to intervene it wouldn’t have mattered. It didn’t for me, I remained and remain obese despite my parents pressing the issue very very hard and trying to control my eating and exercise, taking me to doctors and nutritionist. Nothing they did helped me become a thin adult but it did really mess me up emotionally.

There was an episode today on this topic on The Daily podcast. I highly recommend your DH listen to it, it may help him accept that his parents didn’t do him a disservice at all.

Maybe the studies you’ve cherry picked say that.
One person here is pushing medical interventions but IMO you’d be insane to try that before attempting to meet with a Nutritionist. Maybe it won’t be successful but you have to at least try it first.

I’m just sharing what pediatric obesity experts are recommending. Do you think they’re insane?

Yes.

OK. Well, then you’re not very bright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

Wrong. Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

Yeah, not but it’s very telling about you that you think this way.

And it’s the life-threatening disease of ANOREXIA, not “being underweight.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

Wrong. Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

And PP is why girls get anorexia.

Signed,
Family member died of anorexia

Again: being overweight is way more dangerous than being anorexic.

Again, wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+3 to the now buried rec to listen to the podcast Maintenance Mode. Also Christy Harrison’s Food Psych. I also recommend her book “Anti Diet” as OP seems to have some food fear/fat phobia. Address that first so you can help your daughter with out damaging your relationship.

I haven't listened to Maintenance Mode specifically but I do listen to other weight maintenance type podcasts. Sometimes they are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise insane landscape. Stuff that focuses on maintenance, not weight loss, is the right way to go.

Maintenance first. Don't even think about weight loss. Lean into how to support her emotionally.

OP, I would find it hard too. It's hard for heavy kids.

It’s called maintenance phase and it’s not about weight maintenance, it’s a in-depth critique of the weight loss industry, intentional weight loss, and fatphobia.

Interesting. Good to know. Then I probably wouldn't be a fan. I don't care much for the weight loss industry and don't promote it but education on how to stabilize where you are at now and do it in an emotionally sound and sustainable way is what I'm interested in. A critique of an obviously useless weight loss industry is a waste of time, IMO.

Why would you want to “stabilize where you are” if you are fat? You aren’t making sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd us over wright as well, her pediatrician, therapist, and psychiatrist, say nothing. Too afraid being that she has high anxiety and had depressive issues i. Past. I am tip toeing as much as possible around her but if she asks me for an honest opinion, I always tell her constructively my answer. Today she askd me when I just got up if she looked fat in her sweatpants and sweatshirt (oversized). I told her yes, she got all upset and yelled at me. She was nasty all day. I was too tired in the AM to be “constructive” in my remarks, and I am sick of watching what I have to say all the time. When she’s witchy, which is a lot, I can barely look at her without getting disgusted. Sad, but true.

This thread has such a sad parade of absolutely horrible parents.

Why aren't we making more progress on this? When I was in college, one of the women across the hall from me had a mother who was obsessed with her weight, to the extent that even back then (40ish years ago), when everyone thought thinness was the be-all, end-all, found it disturbing. Her parents came to visit and the first thing out of her mother's mouth was "Have you lost any weight?"

She graduated and moved far away. I wonder if her mother ever figured out why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd us over wright as well, her pediatrician, therapist, and psychiatrist, say nothing. Too afraid being that she has high anxiety and had depressive issues i. Past. I am tip toeing as much as possible around her but if she asks me for an honest opinion, I always tell her constructively my answer. Today she askd me when I just got up if she looked fat in her sweatpants and sweatshirt (oversized). I told her yes, she got all upset and yelled at me. She was nasty all day. I was too tired in the AM to be “constructive” in my remarks, and I am sick of watching what I have to say all the time. When she’s witchy, which is a lot, I can barely look at her without getting disgusted. Sad, but true.

This thread has such a sad parade of absolutely horrible parents.

Why aren't we making more progress on this? When I was in college, one of the women across the hall from me had a mother who was obsessed with her weight, to the extent that even back then (40ish years ago), when everyone thought thinness was the be-all, end-all, found it disturbing. Her parents came to visit and the first thing out of her mother's mouth was "Have you lost any weight?"

She graduated and moved far away. I wonder if her mother ever figured out why.

I don’t know. It’s sad. I feel like we are seeing the tragic seeds of so many future estrangements here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you eat whole grains and proteins you'd feel full. or at least fully than krappy processed foods, carbs, candy, snacks. maybe you needed to eat more fulfilling balanced meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner so you wouldn't sneak away and go wild on junk food.

I agree, many disagreements on this board but at least for starters get rid of all snacks, added sugar, only chicken breast, very lean turkey, rarely beef, minimal cheese, get a bunch of fruit, berries, veggies, NO SNACKS.
I know it is hard limiting what they eat in school and with friends....but at least start at home.

what are her trigger foods? is she overeating all the time or binge eating? the first is more about changing eating habits , the binge eating is more about emotional issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if you eat whole grains and proteins you'd feel full. or at least fully than krappy processed foods, carbs, candy, snacks. maybe you needed to eat more fulfilling balanced meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner so you wouldn't sneak away and go wild on junk food.

I agree, many disagreements on this board but at least for starters get rid of all snacks, added sugar, only chicken breast, very lean turkey, rarely beef, minimal cheese, get a bunch of fruit, berries, veggies, NO SNACKS.
I know it is hard limiting what they eat in school and with friends....but at least start at home.

what are her trigger foods? is she overeating all the time or binge eating? the first is more about changing eating habits , the binge eating is more about emotional issues.

You can’t limit a teenager to just eating chicken breast and veggies. They will rightly be like, f*** you mom, I’m making spaghetti.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if you eat whole grains and proteins you'd feel full. or at least fully than krappy processed foods, carbs, candy, snacks. maybe you needed to eat more fulfilling balanced meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner so you wouldn't sneak away and go wild on junk food.

I agree, many disagreements on this board but at least for starters get rid of all snacks, added sugar, only chicken breast, very lean turkey, rarely beef, minimal cheese, get a bunch of fruit, berries, veggies, NO SNACKS.
I know it is hard limiting what they eat in school and with friends....but at least start at home.

what are her trigger foods? is she overeating all the time or binge eating? the first is more about changing eating habits , the binge eating is more about emotional issues.

You can’t limit a teenager to just eating chicken breast and veggies. They will rightly be like, f*** you mom, I’m making spaghetti.

+100 That’s exactly the sort of restrictive diet that’s going to trigger binge eating. Possibly bulimia if the kid’s internalized enough shame about her weight. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if you eat whole grains and proteins you'd feel full. or at least fully than krappy processed foods, carbs, candy, snacks. maybe you needed to eat more fulfilling balanced meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner so you wouldn't sneak away and go wild on junk food.

I agree, many disagreements on this board but at least for starters get rid of all snacks, added sugar, only chicken breast, very lean turkey, rarely beef, minimal cheese, get a bunch of fruit, berries, veggies, NO SNACKS.
I know it is hard limiting what they eat in school and with friends....but at least start at home.

what are her trigger foods? is she overeating all the time or binge eating? the first is more about changing eating habits , the binge eating is more about emotional issues.

You can’t limit a teenager to just eating chicken breast and veggies. They will rightly be like, f*** you mom, I’m making spaghetti.

+100 That’s exactly the sort of restrictive diet that’s going to trigger binge eating. Possibly bulimia if the kid’s internalized enough shame about her weight. Ask me how I know.

I think portion control triggers binge eating more than types of food eaten ..and ask me how I know....you cant make generalizations because everyone has different things that can improve their eating habits or that can lead to unhealthy ones....

furthermore im suggesting this in general not everyday and militant about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd us over wright as well, her pediatrician, therapist, and psychiatrist, say nothing. Too afraid being that she has high anxiety and had depressive issues i. Past. I am tip toeing as much as possible around her but if she asks me for an honest opinion, I always tell her constructively my answer. Today she askd me when I just got up if she looked fat in her sweatpants and sweatshirt (oversized). I told her yes, she got all upset and yelled at me. She was nasty all day. I was too tired in the AM to be “constructive” in my remarks, and I am sick of watching what I have to say all the time. When she’s witchy, which is a lot, I can barely look at her without getting disgusted. Sad, but true.

This thread has such a sad parade of absolutely horrible parents.

Why aren't we making more progress on this? When I was in college, one of the women across the hall from me had a mother who was obsessed with her weight, to the extent that even back then (40ish years ago), when everyone thought thinness was the be-all, end-all, found it disturbing. Her parents came to visit and the first thing out of her mother's mouth was "Have you lost any weight?"

She graduated and moved far away. I wonder if her mother ever figured out why.

I don’t know. It’s sad. I feel like we are seeing the tragic seeds of so many future estrangements here.

Well...I have forgiven my mother everything--and there was a lot..but I cannot forgive her letting me gain 100pounds at 16 and do nothing about it....so I suggest the opposite to the OP--never ignore it....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if you eat whole grains and proteins you'd feel full. or at least fully than krappy processed foods, carbs, candy, snacks. maybe you needed to eat more fulfilling balanced meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner so you wouldn't sneak away and go wild on junk food.

I agree, many disagreements on this board but at least for starters get rid of all snacks, added sugar, only chicken breast, very lean turkey, rarely beef, minimal cheese, get a bunch of fruit, berries, veggies, NO SNACKS.
I know it is hard limiting what they eat in school and with friends....but at least start at home.

what are her trigger foods? is she overeating all the time or binge eating? the first is more about changing eating habits , the binge eating is more about emotional issues.

You can’t limit a teenager to just eating chicken breast and veggies. They will rightly be like, f*** you mom, I’m making spaghetti.

+100 That’s exactly the sort of restrictive diet that’s going to trigger binge eating. Possibly bulimia if the kid’s internalized enough shame about her weight. Ask me how I know.

I think portion control triggers binge eating more than types of food eaten ..and ask me how I know....you cant make generalizations because everyone has different things that can improve their eating habits or that can lead to unhealthy ones....

furthermore im suggesting this in general not everyday and militant about it

It really depends. When I want to lose weight, it’s easier for me to eat smaller amounts but of the things I want. Plain chicken and veggies would make me miserable.

[Anonymous]

After a medical work-up to check thyroid, pcos, blood sugar, etc, I'd just focus on keeping healthy foods in the house and encouraging fun activities that are active but not 'exercising'. Like, walking the dog , rollerblading with friends or hiking or laser tag or something. If you do yoga or bike or anything, invite her with.

I'd also help her find clothes that are flattering and comfortable whatever her size.