What if your child, who was qualified for their "reach" or "stretch" school, chose not to apply?

[Anonymous]

My DC attends a mid-size, very well-respected and competitive school somewhere in the United States (perhaps here, perhaps not). (I am going to omit details like school, grades, test scores, ECs, etc., so that we can focus on the core of the question, as opposed to "quibbling" over qualifications. Thank you for that indulgence.) Every year the school has good success, in that a certain number of its students earn admission into H/Y/P/S, as well as many other excellent schools -- including but not limited to UVA, UMd, Columbia and other Ivies, Michigan, Berkeley, Georgetown, Duke, Rice, Amherst and other SLACs, Georgia Tech, Chicago, MIT, Caltech, Texas, William & Mary, UCLA and other public universities, etc., et al. DC is one of the very top students at the school and is solidly within that top range of students (let's say top 5, again, just for example) which typically earns admission to one of the top 4 colleges or universities as defined by U.S. News -- that is, H/Y/S/P. DC has briefly and quickly visited many of the colleges and universities mentioned above, but has never spent more than a couple of hours on each visit (typically inserted into a parent's rushed business trip or a chaotic family vacation).

Based on only those brief visits, and no other independent research, DC now says that she does not want to apply to any of P/Y/S/H, because s/he did not get the "right" feel from them, but will apply to 6-7 other excellent colleges and universities (including, of course, their "safety"). Now, I understand that the chances that DC, as would be the case with anyone, will be admitted to any one of those four top colleges or universities, are not very good. That said, the school's academic counselors and teachers consider DC one of the students who are among the best candidates for those schools -- and they generally have a positive record in that respect.

My question, then, is should I let DC go with their instinct -- based on only brief, three-hour visits -- and not apply to the top four "reach" schools? Or should I insist (after all, we are paying for college) that they apply to all of the top reaches, and then visit the decision again based on the outcomes? I suppose that this question applies to all parents, any where along the spectrum of possible outcomes. Do we encourage our children to apply to their "reaches"/"stretches", or do we let them choose where to apply?

[Anonymous]

I couldn't stand it that my daughter wouldn't apply to our instate reach. After she applied to the 8 other schools she wanted to, and I thought they were good fits, I still wasn't at peace. I said to her, "Indulge me in this. Can you plug an essay in here, and answer these questions. Can you hit submit (to the instate reach) so I'll feel I've done all I can as a parent?"

She did it for me. She did a half-@ssed job, but she did do it as a favor to me. We was waitlisted. I feel pretty sure she would not have gone if she got in. I (still) feel she probably would have gotten in if she had tried.

So, nothing important changed. But I did feel better - like I could check-off that parenting box.

[Anonymous]

hahaha, the mistake of typing "we" was very telling!!

[Anonymous]

It's great to have options and she won't really know what the options are unless and until she applies and hears back.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a great lesson in letting your child make these decisions. She sounds like she knows herself and is looking out for herself. She's the one who has to spend four years there so if you push her to go to somewhere that doesn't feel right, she's the one who will suffer.

Pus you have to get over the competitive parenting thing about the name. You'll make both her and you crazy.

My DD was like your DD, the credentials to apply anywhere. She is going to a SLAC that is not top ten but is great for what she is interested in studying. More importantly it has a culture that really fits. I would worry about her in a school that was uber competitive but didn't have the kind of culture and environment that was a fit. I know she will get a fabulous education and will be happy. Thats what matters.

Lots of parents will come on here and say that because you are paying you get to choose. I can't think of a greater disservice to an 18 year-old.

[Anonymous]

OP, first, I think 3 hours is a pretty good amount of time for a college visit.

Secondly, if she's not feeling it, let her be. She'll be the one living at the school for 4 years. Going away to college is hard enough when it's a school you're gung-ho about. Now imagine being at a school that you weren't 'feeling', didn't even want to apply to but Mom made you go under the threat of not paying.

Thirdly, please please PLEASE parents stop with the "I'm paying so I get to dictate where my child goes." It's HER experience--not yours.

Let her be.

And please parents stop trying to live vicariously through your children. You had your turn. Let your children live out theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, first, I think 3 hours is a pretty good amount of time for a college visit.

Secondly, if she's not feeling it, let her be. She'll be the one living at the school for 4 years. Going away to college is hard enough when it's a school you're gung-ho about. Now imagine being at a school that you weren't 'feeling', didn't even want to apply to but Mom made you go under the threat of not paying.

Thirdly, please please PLEASE parents stop with the "I'm paying so I get to dictate where my child goes." It's HER experience--not yours.

Let her be.

And please parents stop trying to live vicariously through your children. You had your turn. Let your children live out theirs.

Thank you all for the good advice. I may have thought "I am paying for it", but it would never occur to me to say that to DC as a threat, or otherwise. Aside from my feelings on the matter (and you are right to caution me not to live through my child), I do not want DC to carry around any regrets later on. She has demonstrated often that she can be quite competitive herself, and I suspect that she may have second thoughts -- or worse, regrets -- when the classmates/colleagues she worked so hard with for four years start to get their admission letters from said schools. I suppose that I should allow the college counselors and teachers, who have strong feelings about DC's potential, to work her through this particular decision.

[Anonymous]

Please let this one go.

-Mom to 3 college grads

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please let this one go.

-Mom to 3 college grads

What did your three college graduates decide to do?

[Anonymous]

I would conclude that it wasn't the student's reach school, it was the parents' reach school. Let the kid apply to the very good other schools he or she was interested in, and let well enough alone.

I would never force my kids to go to Princeton (DH's alma mater) or Harvard (mine). They can go somewhere THEY want to attend.

[Anonymous]

Your child will be happiest attending the school that they feel is the best fit for them.

What is the point of applying to a school they aren't interested in attending, other than for you to be able to say that they were accepted there? Your child probably doesn't want to even apply to those schools, because they don't want to have the argument with you about attending one of them if they are accepted.

[Anonymous]

Some kids have a sort of reverse-snobbery towards HYP. Mine was one, and DC wasn't alone among her classmates in this. DC flat out refused to apply to HYP. We drove past them on I-95 and DH and I kept making noises about how we could just get off at the exit and drive through these campuses (too late to sign up for tours), but no dice. Harvard was worse - after seeing Tufts, BU and BC, we stopped by Harvard Square for dinner and tourism, and DC had no interest in walking over 2 blocks to lay eyes on the Yard.

It will work out. To our surprise, DC fell in love with a different college that takes 6-7% of applicants -- and got in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, first, I think 3 hours is a pretty good amount of time for a college visit.

Secondly, if she's not feeling it, let her be. She'll be the one living at the school for 4 years. Going away to college is hard enough when it's a school you're gung-ho about. Now imagine being at a school that you weren't 'feeling', didn't even want to apply to but Mom made you go under the threat of not paying.

Thirdly, please please PLEASE parents stop with the "I'm paying so I get to dictate where my child goes." It's HER experience--not yours.

Let her be.

And please parents stop trying to live vicariously through your children. You had your turn. Let your children live out theirs.

Thank you all for the good advice. I may have thought "I am paying for it", but it would never occur to me to say that to DC as a threat, or otherwise. Aside from my feelings on the matter (and you are right to caution me not to live through my child), I do not want DC to carry around any regrets later on. She has demonstrated often that she can be quite competitive herself, and I suspect that she may have second thoughts -- or worse, regrets -- when the classmates/colleagues she worked so hard with for four years start to get their admission letters from said schools. I suppose that I should allow the college counselors and teachers, who have strong feelings about DC's potential, to work her through this particular decision.

It's been my experience that no one regrets where they attended undergrad! The experience is so full and you grow so much, meet so many lifelong friends that no one ever looks back and says, "You know I really wish I would've gone ivy". I've just never seen it happen.

I did not go ivy undergrad. In fact, I went to THEE 'worst' school ever. It had open enrollment and every person who applied was accepted. (No exaggeration.) I LOVED the experience and look back on it fondly. Approx. 5 years after graduation I was talking to some who went ivy undergrad and they raved about their college experiences as well. It was then that I realized it doesn't matter where you go, every young person loves their undergrad experience. (If it's the traditional on-campus situation. The kid who has to work to pay his way through school while raising kids will feel differently.)

And I doubt DC will care about her peers getting acceptances to schools she didn't even apply to!

[Anonymous]

Not to pile on, but each of those schools has a distinct feel and good for your kid for recognizing that and knowing what they are looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would conclude that it wasn't the student's reach school, it was the parents' reach school. Let the kid apply to the very good other schools he or she was interested in, and let well enough alone.

I would never force my kids to go to Princeton (DH's alma mater) or Harvard (mine). They can go somewhere THEY want to attend.

NP here. No offense meant to any one poster in particular here. But I have a hard time believing that most parent (legacies also) with a child who turns out to be the class valedictorian with the 2400 SAT, and the amazing, recruitable talents, would not at least want or desire their child to apply and keep their options open. Remember, OP is not asking about attending, but simply about applying . Also, 16 and 17-year old young adults still need a little bit of guidance and direction when it comes to big and important life decisions. What OP has described is essentially a completely uninformed decision. Imagine that your spouse came home to say, "Honey, I toured the campus of this great corporation, went to an information session, and I plan to leave my current job tomorrow and move us near there." A college tour, which includes an information session of about 1.5 hour, plus a walking tour of about 1.5 hour, is simply not enough to make a decision without something more. Did your child study the programs and curriculum of the universities? Did your child consider how the programs at these places will further support and develop their outside interests in music, the arts, athletics? Did your child speak to current professors or students in their intended area of study? I am not saying that you have to do these things, but I think that the "the class valedictorian with the 2400 SAT, and the amazing, recruitable talents" would be wrong to exclude four top "reach" schools without more information -- and on the basis of only one visit. I would suggest that she discuss the options with her college counselors, and ask them to put her in touch with some of the high school's alums who attended her reaches and other choices as well.