Dating very intellectual men

[Anonymous]

Hi I'm wondering if I could get some advice on here. Been in a year long relationship with a very, very intellectual man - he's a software developer and around my age (late twenties). We have a respectful and loving relationship and quite a few of the same goals (where we want to live, etc) and we had the same cultural upbringings so he gets my family and I get his family. I love him very much but I increasingly feel left out of certain parts of his life, even though I'm sure he doesn't mean to do it. When we go out with his friends, they have very deep conversations about things like comparing Hume and Locke, or rococo vs baroque art, and talk about literature and complex legal issues and things like that. I just don't know anything about this stuff. I have a college degree and a job and I like to think that I am a smart and worthy human being, but I've never really been interested in art or philosophy. He tries to take me to art galleries and teach me about things he reads, but I don't particularly enjoy it and I feel forced, and then I feel inadequate when his super-smart female friends or the super-smart girlfriends of his male friends have these conversations with him. I know he is disappointed that I don't find it interesting and I wonder if he thinks less of me.

I know he loves me and I think I take good care of him and we have fun together, but I don't like feeling inferior to him and feeling out of place with his friends. Can this work?

[Anonymous]

"I know he loves me and I think I take good care of him and we have fun together, but I don't like feeling inferior to him and feeling out of place with his friends. Can this work? "

No.

[Anonymous]

He sounds insufferable. Run.

[Anonymous]

Ask questions, change the subject. Invite your friends to these gatherings so you have someone to talk to. It is rude of him to leave you out of the conversations. Tell him how you feel & let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

My dh and I have different intellectual interests. I will never know everything there is to know about 20th century foreign policy, for example, or even be moved to pick up a book about it. But for his sake, I play the student role. I invite him to talk about his interests, pay attention, and ask questions.

Can you picture doing this for the rest of your life?

Do you have any overlap in your interests?

[Anonymous]

I have a phs in a rather obscure field and Ehike I don't impose it onDH he takes interest I what I do, asks questions, and enjoys learning from me. He us an economist which I find obscure and dry, but I also find wats to engage. However we have shared interests too, books movies, send each other articles, etc. Do you have any shared interests? It ses acceptance and some overlap is good but you don't have to be exactly alike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi I'm wondering if I could get some advice on here. Been in a year long relationship with a very, very intellectual man - he's a software developer and around my age (late twenties). We have a respectful and loving relationship and quite a few of the same goals (where we want to live, etc) and we had the same cultural upbringings so he gets my family and I get his family. I love him very much but I increasingly feel left out of certain parts of his life, even though I'm sure he doesn't mean to do it. When we go out with his friends, they have very deep conversations about things like comparing Hume and Locke, or rococo vs baroque art, and talk about literature and complex legal issues and things like that. I just don't know anything about this stuff. I have a college degree and a job and I like to think that I am a smart and worthy human being, but I've never really been interested in art or philosophy. He tries to take me to art galleries and teach me about things he reads, but I don't particularly enjoy it and I feel forced, and then I feel inadequate when his super-smart female friends or the super-smart girlfriends of his male friends have these conversations with him. I know he is disappointed that I don't find it interesting and I wonder if he thinks less of me.

I know he loves me and I think I take good care of him and we have fun together, but I don't like feeling inferior to him and feeling out of place with his friends. Can this work?

First off, some of these "super smart" people are probably trying to impress each other. Not everyone is interested in the works of Nietsche. Or art. Some people like politics, others like understanding mechanical things. My sister is a master of foreign languages - have never heard her talk about philosophy. On another angle, I dated someone who was a teacher and absolutely wonderful with making an impact on children. OP, we all have our special interests. Is art and philosophy the only things he is interested in?

[Anonymous]

This does not sound super smart, just super pompous.

[Anonymous]

Run, Forrest, run!

[Anonymous]

Find a nice man who thinks YOU are smart. Believe me, it works better that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a nice man who thinks YOU are smart. Believe me, it works better that way.

Ditto. And better for your kids, too! These guys usually don't make good fathers.

[Anonymous]

I don't think he's that smart either. You can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think he's that smart either. You can do better.

+1 I know someone that works in classics and he doesn't discuss work or other esoteric knowledge socially. Pompous, agreed

[Anonymous]

Um, I'm one of those pretentious intellectual guys. I think you can overcome this, if you all have some shared interests - you don't have to both be into the same stuff all the time. As other people said, you don't have to be into exactly that stuff, it's not a competition.

But you have to be OK with it - not feeling insecure or jealous. I had a passionate relationship with someone who was not an 'intellectual' (she was highly intelligent) but one of the things that eventually wrecked us was this issue - her feeling insecure and inadequate. The reverse snobbery chip on her shoulder got in the way of everything and I had to walk on eggshells about that (among many things).

Generally, it really helps to have a similar set of interests and education. One of the best conversation partners I had was a lovely woman who is a philosophy professor - we actually did talk about Hume and Locke a lot in the couple of months we dated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, I'm one of those pretentious intellectual guys. I think you can overcome this, if you all have some shared interests - you don't have to both be into the same stuff all the time. As other people said, you don't have to be into exactly that stuff, it's not a competition.

But you have to be OK with it - not feeling insecure or jealous. I had a passionate relationship with someone who was not an 'intellectual' (she was highly intelligent) but one of the things that eventually wrecked us was this issue - her feeling insecure and inadequate. The reverse snobbery chip on her shoulder got in the way of everything and I had to walk on eggshells about that (among many things).

Generally, it really helps to have a similar set of interests and education. One of the best conversation partners I had was a lovely woman who is a philosophy professor - we actually did talk about Hume and Locke a lot in the couple of months we dated.

I'd agree with this - that if you have enough other things in common, it can work. But I'd imagine this'll be a problem for a long time. (I'm also one of these insufferable people - but a woman. And my husband is like this, too. It's part of why we get along so well. Husband isn't into some of the other things I like a lot - hiking, outdoors stuff - which is our bugaboo.)

Anyway, prbly best in the end to be with someone you're happy with, not always feeling insecure around, right? Is there a rush for you to commit to this guy if you're not really psyched with how things are going?