Dating very intellectual men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok well maybe it is just me, but he doesn't sound like an asshole. Sounds like he's tried to get you into art like he is (you didn't mention if you told him you weren't interested) and he probably thinks he's sharing his interest with you and that you enjoy it.

Now an acquaintance of DH is a total asshole to his gf. A lot of times we get into discussions about things going on in the news/the world and his gf is not really into all of that. Her boyfriend calls her out on it, tells her she's stupid and that she she just keep quiet since she has no idea what she's talking about. That is a douchebag.

OP's boyfriend just seems like he and his friends are a bit quirky in the discussions they like to have and it sounds like he's trying to get OP interested in it as well.

This sounds like the plot of "Born Yesterday". And yes, the douchebag got his comeuppance in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound super smart, just super pompous.

I completely, totally second this. OP, he is not smarter than you. He just likes to drone on with other bores about topics that they think make people around them uncomfortable. If you are feeling awkward, it is not exactly completely accidental. That being said, it is probably second nature to him by now so if he loves you enough he will try to be more inclusive. You should maybe gently try to talk about it.

But it could possibly become a problem down the road if he thinks you are a dummy.

This is the PP. Lest someone accuse me of having issues with smart people, I do not. My DH and I have 4-plus Ivy degrees, including HYP undergrad (for what that's worth). At my age I have seen a lot. I am almost twice as old as you, OP. Philosophy people who can only hang with other philosophy people, etc. etc. actually have a deficiency. It is called being a social moron. That may be what he is. Bookish or not, socially normal people know how to carry a conversation with most other people.

Recognize that your BF may have a social problem, and it may never go away. The two of you may just stop talking one day. If he loves to talk, then yes, this is a problem.

You are the one who seems insufferable. Why do you feel the need to include the details of your "4-plus" Ivy league background? Careful, your inferiority complex is showing.

[Anonymous]

How is the sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound super smart, just super pompous.

I completely, totally second this. OP, he is not smarter than you. He just likes to drone on with other bores about topics that they think make people around them uncomfortable. If you are feeling awkward, it is not exactly completely accidental. That being said, it is probably second nature to him by now so if he loves you enough he will try to be more inclusive. You should maybe gently try to talk about it.

But it could possibly become a problem down the road if he thinks you are a dummy.

This is the PP. Lest someone accuse me of having issues with smart people, I do not. My DH and I have 4-plus Ivy degrees, including HYP undergrad (for what that's worth). At my age I have seen a lot. I am almost twice as old as you, OP. Philosophy people who can only hang with other philosophy people, etc. etc. actually have a deficiency. It is called being a social moron. That may be what he is. Bookish or not, socially normal people know how to carry a conversation with most other people.

Recognize that your BF may have a social problem, and it may never go away. The two of you may just stop talking one day. If he loves to talk, then yes, this is a problem.

You are the one who seems insufferable. Why do you feel the need to include the details of your "4-plus" Ivy league background? Careful, your inferiority complex is showing.[/
quote]

Are you the systems admin who is in Mensa?

[Anonymous]

Of course it can. I know how intimidating it can be when others talk about issues that I know nothing about. I feel so left out.

Personally I think it is kinda rude of him to discuss these things w/others in front of you, knowing that you do not know very much about the humanities. Do you think perhaps he is trying to show off a little?

Anyhow, I find learning about Art History and Philosophy/Humanities interesting as well as educational so you might want to re-consider your stance. Visit an Art Museum in your area and compare the differences in the artwork from different eras. Study the history behind each era.

However if you truly are not interested in any of this, then I would just let it go....

Let him enjoy his interest and support him.
I am quite sure there are areas that you are well educated in that he is not so do not under estimate yourself OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound super smart, just super pompous.

I completely, totally second this. OP, he is not smarter than you. He just likes to drone on with other bores about topics that they think make people around them uncomfortable. If you are feeling awkward, it is not exactly completely accidental. That being said, it is probably second nature to him by now so if he loves you enough he will try to be more inclusive. You should maybe gently try to talk about it.

But it could possibly become a problem down the road if he thinks you are a dummy.

This is the PP. Lest someone accuse me of having issues with smart people, I do not. My DH and I have 4-plus Ivy degrees, including HYP undergrad (for what that's worth). At my age I have seen a lot. I am almost twice as old as you, OP. Philosophy people who can only hang with other philosophy people, etc. etc. actually have a deficiency. It is called being a social moron. That may be what he is. Bookish or not, socially normal people know how to carry a conversation with most other people.

Recognize that your BF may have a social problem, and it may never go away. The two of you may just stop talking one day. If he loves to talk, then yes, this is a problem.

This. My husband has a Mensa iq equivalent as well, but never makes me feel left out. Ever. Think of Big Bang Theory but I'm Penny. Some of the things he watches and discusses truly fascinate me but I am so overwhelmed. I may ask questions or try to learn but he never just ignores me. Even if I don't enter into a conversation and there are other women or men joining in, he still makes me feel like I am the only woman in the room. He is still making eye contact flirting with me, holding my hand, grabbing my ass, etc. Happily married 8 years.

However, I do not get that this is the situation with you. I feel you are equally intelligent, just not interested in his findings. This is not a bad thing. It can work.

However, It won't work if he doesn't respect you. Period.

[Anonymous]

So is Mensa some kind of prank being played on socially awkward people who test well? The only people who take it seriously are folks who are in Mensa; everyone else rolls their eyes... If they were truly exceptional I would have expected they would have picked up on this dynamic and keep it on the down low.

As for software engineer philosophist boyfriend. Yeah he doesn't respect you but thinks you are hot. Unless you are looking for a man to take care of you and to play the simple wife at home role, it is prob a poor fit.

[Anonymous]

I get that smart people with an interest in humanities will talk ideas. But really smart people will generate new ideas.

I am a scientist. The smart people in my field can be really good at taking other peoples ideas and applying it to gobs of data...and testing and publishing.

The brilliant ones will come up with an idea, test it quickly, publish it, and move on. They get bored doing the same things over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound super smart, just super pompous.

I completely, totally second this. OP, he is not smarter than you. He just likes to drone on with other bores about topics that they think make people around them uncomfortable. If you are feeling awkward, it is not exactly completely accidental. That being said, it is probably second nature to him by now so if he loves you enough he will try to be more inclusive. You should maybe gently try to talk about it.

But it could possibly become a problem down the road if he thinks you are a dummy.

This is the PP. Lest someone accuse me of having issues with smart people, I do not. My DH and I have 4-plus Ivy degrees, including HYP undergrad (for what that's worth). At my age I have seen a lot. I am almost twice as old as you, OP. Philosophy people who can only hang with other philosophy people, etc. etc. actually have a deficiency. It is called being a social moron. That may be what he is. Bookish or not, socially normal people know how to carry a conversation with most other people.

Recognize that your BF may have a social problem, and it may never go away. The two of you may just stop talking one day. If he loves to talk, then yes, this is a problem.

This. My husband has a Mensa iq equivalent as well, but never makes me feel left out. Ever. Think of Big Bang Theory but I'm Penny. Some of the things he watches and discusses truly fascinate me but I am so overwhelmed. I may ask questions or try to learn but he never just ignores me. Even if I don't enter into a conversation and there are other women or men joining in, he still makes me feel like I am the only woman in the room. He is still making eye contact flirting with me, holding my hand, grabbing my ass, etc. Happily married 8 years.

However, I do not get that this is the situation with you. I feel you are equally intelligent, just not interested in his findings. This is not a bad thing. It can work.

However, It won't work if he doesn't respect you. Period.

Practically everyone around here can qualify for Mensa. Really. We had a guy come in to interview once who had included his Mensa membership on his resume. We had a field day with it. And then we determined almost everyone in our office could join based on the (low) qualifications.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you spoken with him about it--about your feelings of inferiority, and also your lack of interest in some of his interests? What does he say?

A PP (male) distinguished between intelligence and intellectual. Good point.

My DH and I are well-educated, and very interested in history, but aren't that interested in art. For example, we took the kids to Philadelphia last weekend to do the historical stuff, but opted to go see Eastern State Penitentiary instead of the (apparently world class) Art Museum. Although we did go by the Art Museum to take a picture at the Rocky statue and we ran the steps while humming the tune…

I know…I feel like some here would say "It's a crime!" LOL but that's how it is with us, and it's a match.

However; I've learned a lot about things I was not interested in from my DH (military history, football) and he from me (lots about animals, and social behavior, and conflict resolution). There's not a sense of inferiority. That's the part you really need to address, OP. Hopefully you can learn from each other--and part of this hinges on if he's a know-it-all, or open to learning something from you. That "something" doesn't have to be an academic subject, btw. Could be the benefits of getting your Omega-3s, or the differences between fur and hair in different dog breeds!

[Anonymous]

I guess I shouldn't be surprised this thread grew legs. Hilarious how there's this need to slam "intellectuals". Yes, some people are pretentious glassbowls who need to use their $.50 SAT words to look down on others and feel better about themselves. There are also genius physicists who have great exchanges with people in "plain english". This is all a matter of degree, and the strength/passion of some of the responses (run, run run, dump him now, etc.) say more about the commenter than the BF. Sure, MENSA people are a little hilarious - I work in academia (which is a hotbed of insecure smart people, Ms. Ivy League) and I know nobody in this setting who is a member of MENSA (or will admit it) - but that doesn't mean that daring to engage in "intellectual" conversation about art and philosophy, even if it's outside of your formal field - is inherently socially incompetent.

The truth is we don't know what he's like - we don't know if he's always been into these kinds of things and has had these discussions with this set of friends for years - long before the original poster showed up in his life. If they never had other conversations, and he always had a pattern of belittling or excluding her, sure, that's bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound super smart, just super pompous.

I completely, totally second this. OP, he is not smarter than you. He just likes to drone on with other bores about topics that they think make people around them uncomfortable. If you are feeling awkward, it is not exactly completely accidental. That being said, it is probably second nature to him by now so if he loves you enough he will try to be more inclusive. You should maybe gently try to talk about it.

But it could possibly become a problem down the road if he thinks you are a dummy.

This is the PP. Lest someone accuse me of having issues with smart people, I do not. My DH and I have 4-plus Ivy degrees, including HYP undergrad (for what that's worth). At my age I have seen a lot. I am almost twice as old as you, OP. Philosophy people who can only hang with other philosophy people, etc. etc. actually have a deficiency. It is called being a social moron. That may be what he is. Bookish or not, socially normal people know how to carry a conversation with most other people.

Recognize that your BF may have a social problem, and it may never go away. The two of you may just stop talking one day. If he loves to talk, then yes, this is a problem.

This. My husband has a Mensa iq equivalent as well, but never makes me feel left out. Ever. Think of Big Bang Theory but I'm Penny. Some of the things he watches and discusses truly fascinate me but I am so overwhelmed. I may ask questions or try to learn but he never just ignores me. Even if I don't enter into a conversation and there are other women or men joining in, he still makes me feel like I am the only woman in the room. He is still making eye contact flirting with me, holding my hand, grabbing my ass, etc. Happily married 8 years.

However, I do not get that this is the situation with you. I feel you are equally intelligent, just not interested in his findings. This is not a bad thing. It can work.

However, It won't work if he doesn't respect you. Period.

Practically everyone around here can qualify for Mensa. Really. We had a guy come in to interview once who had included his Mensa membership on his resume. We had a field day with it. And then we determined almost everyone in our office could join based on the (low) qualifications.

An actual mensa membership would disqualify you from working at my highly successful sales office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, I'm one of those pretentious intellectual guys. I think you can overcome this, if you all have some shared interests - you don't have to both be into the same stuff all the time. As other people said, you don't have to be into exactly that stuff, it's not a competition.

But you have to be OK with it - not feeling insecure or jealous. I had a passionate relationship with someone who was not an 'intellectual' (she was highly intelligent) but one of the things that eventually wrecked us was this issue - her feeling insecure and inadequate. The reverse snobbery chip on her shoulder got in the way of everything and I had to walk on eggshells about that (among many things).

Generally, it really helps to have a similar set of interests and education. One of the best conversation partners I had was a lovely woman who is a philosophy professor - we actually did talk about Hume and Locke a lot in the couple of months we dated.

+1 My husband is hyper intellectual about art, economics, mathematics. I work in public relations so I'm intellectual about people, what makes them tick, and how to influence them. We made it work by each taking the "student" rule with each other. We're both confident about our capabilities so we never felt inferior to other. We share our interests with each other and learn together. We both have a great time with it. Frankly, our attitudes towards each other and our partnership engendered tremendous personal and professional growth.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No I definitely don't think my boyfriend is deliberately showing off or trying to make me uncomfortable. He's just a big nerd. He does try to steer the conversation to stuff I like, but this is just what he and his friends like to talk about.

I don't know, we might need to have to talk about this to see if we are both comfortable with each other's likes and dislikes and essential natures. I hate feeling like some of his female friends are more suitable for him than I am sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt your pedestal man can adequately debate Hume, Locke, art history and complex legal issues as a software engineer by trade.

Don't confuse real discourse with amuse-bouche.

Oh snap! I love that line! May I use it?