Dating very intellectual men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound super smart, just super pompous.

I completely, totally second this. OP, he is not smarter than you. He just likes to drone on with other bores about topics that they think make people around them uncomfortable. If you are feeling awkward, it is not exactly completely accidental. That being said, it is probably second nature to him by now so if he loves you enough he will try to be more inclusive. You should maybe gently try to talk about it.

But it could possibly become a problem down the road if he thinks you are a dummy.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it doesn't matter if he has intellectual interests that you don't share. What matters is that he doesn't try to include you in the conversation with his friends. He doesn't sometimes shift the conversation to share with his friends something interesting about you where you can shine.

OP, it sounds like you have interests of your own that your significant other isn't even trying to understand or share with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound super smart, just super pompous.

I completely, totally second this. OP, he is not smarter than you. He just likes to drone on with other bores about topics that they think make people around them uncomfortable. If you are feeling awkward, it is not exactly completely accidental. That being said, it is probably second nature to him by now so if he loves you enough he will try to be more inclusive. You should maybe gently try to talk about it.

But it could possibly become a problem down the road if he thinks you are a dummy.

This is the PP. Lest someone accuse me of having issues with smart people, I do not. My DH and I have 4-plus Ivy degrees, including HYP undergrad (for what that's worth). At my age I have seen a lot. I am almost twice as old as you, OP. Philosophy people who can only hang with other philosophy people, etc. etc. actually have a deficiency. It is called being a social moron. That may be what he is. Bookish or not, socially normal people know how to carry a conversation with most other people.

Recognize that your BF may have a social problem, and it may never go away. The two of you may just stop talking one day. If he loves to talk, then yes, this is a problem.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is a match.

Honestly, super intellectual types like to be with other super intellectual types. I think you or he will get bored with each other soon.

you are only in your late twenties..I say - move on now before it is too late and you are 35 or 36 and still unmarried to him. Find someone else who is more like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound super smart, just super pompous.

I completely, totally second this. OP, he is not smarter than you. He just likes to drone on with other bores about topics that they think make people around them uncomfortable. If you are feeling awkward, it is not exactly completely accidental. That being said, it is probably second nature to him by now so if he loves you enough he will try to be more inclusive. You should maybe gently try to talk about it.

But it could possibly become a problem down the road if he thinks you are a dummy.

I completely disagree with this. There is nothing wrong with loving art or history. Some people find that fascinating and aren't talking about it to make others uncomfortable at all. They really enjoy those discussions. Other people feel the same way about sports, or clothes, or food, or their kids or their jobs. They talk about things that are fascinating and of interest to them. This just sounds like a mismatch in interests. If art and history are a big part of his life and his friend circle and social life is built around it and OP has no interest in any of that it is not a good fit.

[Anonymous]

I have an advanced degree from a major university in London....but I can still talk to people from less esoteric backgrounds. This guyis a pompous ass. Do you really want to be with Fraiser? The only person who he respected was his brother Miles!

[Anonymous]

Oops stupid autocorrect... whom he respected !!!

[Anonymous]

DH here. In my life I found myself at a couple organizations known for attracting highly intellectual people. I find that the conversations you engage in are different. You think about things; perhaps spend more time discussing current affairs, or how the threats to bees might impact mankind, etc. When you couple up with someone who perhaps is a littlre more into the day to day, overtime I do think a difference develops. Vocabulary for example; not being pompous but perhaps you try to find the right word, where your partner may not be 100% on its meaning so they start to feel threatened. I don't write this to come across as arrogant; a lifetime is a long time - ensure your interests,values,sexual compatibility are as closely aligned as possible. Now, if he is just an arrogant, pompous jerk call him on it. But if he is into deeper thinking, I would worry for the partner that was not as intellectual. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds insufferable. Run.

hahahaha.

[Anonymous]

I doubt your pedestal man can adequately debate Hume, Locke, art history and complex legal issues as a software engineer by trade.

Don't confuse real discourse with amuse-bouche.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a douche bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound super smart, just super pompous.

I completely, totally second this. OP, he is not smarter than you. He just likes to drone on with other bores about topics that they think make people around them uncomfortable. If you are feeling awkward, it is not exactly completely accidental. That being said, it is probably second nature to him by now so if he loves you enough he will try to be more inclusive. You should maybe gently try to talk about it.

But it could possibly become a problem down the road if he thinks you are a dummy.

This is the PP. Lest someone accuse me of having issues with smart people, I do not. My DH and I have 4-plus Ivy degrees, including HYP undergrad (for what that's worth). At my age I have seen a lot. I am almost twice as old as you, OP. Philosophy people who can only hang with other philosophy people, etc. etc. actually have a deficiency. It is called being a social moron. That may be what he is. Bookish or not, socially normal people know how to carry a conversation with most other people.

Recognize that your BF may have a social problem, and it may never go away. The two of you may just stop talking one day. If he loves to talk, then yes, this is a problem.

This

[Anonymous]

Odd at the amount of hostility here.

You may just not be intellectually or socially compatible. Just like any other incompatibility (financial, sexual), you have to decide whether you can live with it, or you will just resent it more with each passing day, year, and decade.

Better you choose to walk now than hoping/expecting one or both of you will change.

[Anonymous]

Ok well maybe it is just me, but he doesn't sound like an asshole. Sounds like he's tried to get you into art like he is (you didn't mention if you told him you weren't interested) and he probably thinks he's sharing his interest with you and that you enjoy it.

Now an acquaintance of DH is a total asshole to his gf. A lot of times we get into discussions about things going on in the news/the world and his gf is not really into all of that. Her boyfriend calls her out on it, tells her she's stupid and that she she just keep quiet since she has no idea what she's talking about. That is a douchebag.

OP's boyfriend just seems like he and his friends are a bit quirky in the discussions they like to have and it sounds like he's trying to get OP interested in it as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt your pedestal man can adequately debate Hume, Locke, art history and complex legal issues as a software engineer by trade.

Don't confuse real discourse with amuse-bouche.

Stop being so condescending. You know there are engineers who also have an interest in philosophy and art. While I am a computer system administrator, I also have a Mensa qualification level IQ. My roommate in college is amazingly bright in the social sciences and politics and he is my go-to guy when I have questions or issues in politics and several socials sciences. I spent many many a long evening on our front porch debating or discussing everything including philosophy, art and history. My best friend is a lawyer who dual majored in Chemistry and Philosophy in college. And he also is my guide for many such topics. I admit that I'm not as versed as they are, but I can discuss and learn about such topics from them. Frequently not my choice of discussion, but one that I'm not ashamed of my mid-level knowledge.

My wife does not like such discussions, much like OP. She is college educated and a bright woman, just not interested in esoterica and such topics. If there is going to be such an event like OP describes, she would be more than happy to let me go alone, as long as I don't do it too often. Our compromise, I go to some of these outings alone, but not too many. But what makes our relationship and marriage work is that this is not my only (nor primary) past-time. We have several past-times that we participate and enjoy together. For this relationship to work, OP and her boyfriend need to have common interests that they can share and they need to place an emphasis on making sure they have time to enjoy those events together on a regular basis. Additionally, she should make sure that she goes to some of these events, but also should not have a problem with him going solo sometimes as long as he is making sure to spend enough time actually with her doing things that she and they enjoy doing together.