do people assume your child is adopted when he/she is not? An odd "reverse" challenge

[Anonymous]

I am american born woman of german descent and married to an american born man of asian descent. We have been married for just about 20 years, but have known each other for 30 plus years having met in high school. For a variety of reasons, I dont think we ever thought of each other as being from "another race" and we tend to not think of ourselves as an "interracial couple".

We have a 7 year old daughter who really pretty much looks just like her father. When we are all out and about as a family, we get mostly kindly intended looks of "isnt that a cute family" because our daughter is in fact quite cute. I dont think of her has being cute because she is a "mixed race" child. Im putting all this in quotes because its becoming impossible to ignore that these are still noticeable issues to some others. Im not offended per se , and neither is my husband, by any of this.

But here is my challenge, and its frankly one I never thought of: when my daughter and I are out and about, we get the look and sometimes the treatment that we are not in fact mother and child, which is starting to negatively affect my daughter. I am often mistaken for a person who adopted an asian child. Sometimes people think I am a sitter. Again, a perfectly understandable possibility given how much she does not look like me (Not sure why adults are so obsessed with categorizing everyone around them, though.) But its affecting my daughter. Kids ask her if she is adopted on a regular basis. I explain to her, and she understands, that of course there is nothing wrong with being adopted, and therefore people probably think there is nothing wrong with asking. But it bothers her, because, as she puts it: "Its as if they dont know who I really am."

So how it feels on her end, and again, this is really something i never thought of, as an object of suspicion, which, by the way, does NOT go away when she says no I am not. Ive had kids ask me "Are you her mom?" and I say yes, and they dont look satisfied at all with my answer!

I was just watching a video that a parent of adoptive children put together to highlight the obnoxious questions parents get, and I have to say I have been asked almost ALL OF THOSE SAME QUESTIONS and received almost ALL of the same comments! Especially the "Where is she from?". Ive so badly wanted to point to my nether regions, but so far have resisted.

I never really considered how alienating it is for adoptees to be asked questions like this on a regular basis because I never thought this was something they would encounter _all the time_ So you can imagine I did not expect my own child to either! I never considered before that _its not the answer that matters_, but the fact that the question is being asked at all, that creates the burden for the kid. My daughters answer, again, does not solve the problem. It seems to obvious now! I myself would also not ever ask these kinds of questions, especially for someone I am just meeting socially at a playground or what have you.

Because I have never ever been asked these questions myself when I was a child, I find I am not able to come up with anything that really addresses this for my daughter. So far I have just told her that people are often quite focused on race and that it throws me off as well, and Im an adult! I let her know I dont believe it to be ill intended, and that people also are quite interested in knowing about other people's stories. Im trying to put as positive a spin on it as possible, although I have to tell you that the tone of the questions from both adults and kids is not always so positive.

Anyone have any great tips for this one?

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

When ppl ask if you're her mom try saying "yes my husband is Asian." Of course you shouldn't have to but that will address their underlying question which is "how did you get a child that looks nothing like you?"

You can teach your dd to Reply "does it matter?" Or something. When someone is invading a child's privacy they no longer are obligated to be polite.

[Anonymous]

I agree to the PP's solution - explain husband is Asian and give child some responses to help her cope.

As a child and an adult, I dealt with this a lot. What mattered MORE to me was talking to someone who went through the same thing and hearing their perspective. A parent saying... "don't let it bother you, just do x" OR "I understand and am here for you"... didn't really help my underlying insecurities.

BUT - when I met someone else who was dealing with the same thing and saw how they responded (actually with humor and awareness) I felt a whole lot better. I didn't feel alone.

To the OP... if you can find something similar that you went through and you can relate to your child, that may be best. If not, see if you can find someone (or even a book to read) that discusses the issue.

People who have not had to deal with this have NO IDEA how much it can affect ones self esteem. Don't let your child feel isolated and recognize that you may not be able to fix this alone.

[Anonymous]

I remember a mixed race girl I went to high school with complaining that people thought her mom was her nanny. The worst was that she perceived even as a young child that the adults treated her better than they did her "nanny."

[Anonymous]

I am reading this with interest as I am Asian, my husband is white and we have a 3 year old daughter. In SoCal where we are, this is a very common family make-up that I am hoping my daughter won't have to deal with stuff like this, but perhaps I am being naive...

[Anonymous]

OP here. When my family is all together then people dont treat her with confusion, but rather an (I kind of feel) unnecessary emphasis on her beauty. She finds the emphasis on her appearance a bit odd but since in that case it is positive its not the biggest of her concerns.

My husbands american born sister is also married to an american born of german descent. Their kids look pretty much 100% Asian. I have not asked SIL's DH if he gets the questions.

It really seems to be mostly when DD and I are together alone or people see me picking her up from school, events, etc.

[Anonymous]

Op again, as to something similar on my experience, I have nothing. Noone has ever questioned my origins. I think this just goes to the heart of identity. My daughter even once said "And I tell them I am NOT adopted......Am I?" I mean, she even once wondered for just a second. We talk about everything with a sense of humor, so my immediate reply was, "Uhm Honey, remember how you look exactly like your dad? And my dear friend watched you be born? So WE know who your parents are." We laughed together, because it is so true. EVERYone who knows my husband has always been stunned how much she looks like him. Really, though, she is her own person and what this shows us is that we are protected from certain kinds of questioning (which starts to feel like an interrogation) JUST because of how we look.

I know I can find other "mixed race" families where the kids resemble one parent over the other. I just need to find them. That is why I posted here...Im sure as the day goes on there will be more responses.

[Anonymous]

OP I have the same problem only different if that makes any sense! We are much older and people always assume (and say to our kids) that we are "their sweet grand parents" Except we aren't. So I say, ASAP, I am their mother. So tell your kids to say: I look just like my dad, why do you ask? Or my dad is teaching me Chinese/Japanese whatever your culture is, or something like that. Put people in the right track ASAP. It saves embarrassment for everyone. (Sometimes people remember social embarrassment for quite a looong time, and it makes it hard to be friends. I have a woman acquaintance who is STILL apologizing for some misunderstanding that happen 8 years ago!)

[Anonymous]

My SIL is Asian and BIL white, usually grandparents at a school or playground situation assume their kids were adopted.

My friend from Argentina, with a child who is blonde is always asked at the park if she is he nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When ppl ask if you're her mom try saying "yes my husband is Asian." Of course you shouldn't have to but that will address their underlying question which is "how did you get a child that looks nothing like you?"

You can teach your dd to Reply "does it matter?" Or something. When someone is invading a child's privacy they no longer are obligated to be polite.

OP here, oh I have done the "my husband is Asian" thing. Ive also done the "If I hadnt been there myself I would not believe it either" to let them off the hook if they have truly painted themselves into an awkward corner. Like the lady who went straight to "Where is she from?" and I was actually confused by what she meant. Then she got terribly embarassed and said "Oh dear, Im sorry, I can see now its obvious that she is two....." and before she was forced to say races I bailed her out with humor.

I really dont see why random strangers CARE. Because they dont appear to care about much else. Its not like we embark on a philosophical discussion on postmodern representation of race in the media. They just want to figure out what file to put me and my kid in because somehow my blond blue eyed white self with a slightly different shaded child with brown hair and brown eyes challenges them beyond what they are willing to quietly conjecture in their mind.

You know, I have had some people tell me its obvious she is my child- very few people, but when they do it feels like like an extra nice compliment that I wouldnt expect to feel as such.

As to my childs obligation to be polite, I agree she does not have an obligation to be polite to adults that ask rude questions, but that does not usually happen (I need to ask her that actually, to make sure). Its kids asking her. So being defensive about it will probably not serve her well.

Ha, I just thought of something funny. She is pretty smart, and I can teach her a short blurb on DNA that would settle it then and there. LOL. Ah well. I dont think this issue is going away. I think she needs to meet more kids that look like her that have a mom or dad that looks like me. And feel solidarity in that.

I too thought that by now race would not affect my child directly, but then I was thinking about RACISM, a word that means all kinds of things, and one that I never thought to expand to include this line of questioning. Is it racist? Well, no. Or maybe its a reflection of it....If race doesnt matter, it shouldnt matter PERIOD. So clearly we are still far from that idea- which of course i already knew. My husband and I have dealt with that too, thankfully not often, but its happened, and no doubt will happen again. BUt this particular experience for my kid, I was not expecting.

We sometimes joke together that we could each dye a portion of our hair purple and that ought to take care of the problem.

[Anonymous]

My brother is white and his wife is Asian. Their kids look Asian. When he is out alone with them he gets these kinds of questions all the time or the assumption that the kids are adopted.

We know lots of families with mixed marriages, and I think this is pretty much par for the course. It really does irk me though when people treat someone whom they think is a nanny any less than they would a parent. A caregiver is deserving of respect. Older parents often get the same thing--people assume they are the grandparents. So some people get the trifecta--racist, classist, agist treatment.

I'd try not to let it get to you. I don't think people are intentionally trying to be rude, just nosy or simply thoughtless.

[Anonymous]

I think part of the problem may be that you don't accept "race" (as you put it) as an issue.

I'm white and us get you are color blind, but your daughter does not look white. There will be instances, like you mention, where she experiences either positive (ie: you must be smart) vs negative (ie: your adopted) racism with respect to how she looks. You may need to stop ignoring race as something significant in her life and help her learn to navigate the issues she may encounter.

[Anonymous]

This is something sad for all mixed kids, adopted kids and kids of older parents. People are rude, nosy and judgmental.

[Anonymous]

OP -- mom of twins here-- sometimes people say the dumbest things just to start a conversation. If they seem like OK people, don't cut them off. Also one DD very beautiful -- people used to say the dumbest things. You can imagine how this went over with the less beautiful one ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again, as to something similar on my experience, I have nothing. Noone has ever questioned my origins. I think this just goes to the heart of identity. My daughter even once said "And I tell them I am NOT adopted......Am I?" I mean, she even once wondered for just a second. We talk about everything with a sense of humor, so my immediate reply was, "Uhm Honey, remember how you look exactly like your dad? And my dear friend watched you be born? So WE know who your parents are." We laughed together, because it is so true. EVERYone who knows my husband has always been stunned how much she looks like him. Really, though, she is her own person and what this shows us is that we are protected from certain kinds of questioning (which starts to feel like an interrogation) JUST because of how we look.

I know I can find other "mixed race" families where the kids resemble one parent over the other. I just need to find them. That is why I posted here...Im sure as the day goes on there will be more responses.

Adopted children know who their parents are too.

Setting adoption up as this awful thing, which is all over your posts and very offensive to adoptive families, is not in your child's interest. Of course she's going to wonder, if being adopted is so bad then wouldn't looking like an adoptive family be a little bad too? What's wrong with me that I'd be mistaken for THEM.