do people assume your child is adopted when he/she is not? An odd "reverse" challenge

[Anonymous]

I lived this as a child because my mother was European white and my father Asian, and I took after my father.

I did not mind at all.
My mother did but had to get over it.

Is it possible you are projecting more than your daughter feels because you are the one most affected?
Similarly, could your emotions over this be clouding her own perception of this situation?

Believe me, and I don't mean to belittle your discomfort, it is a small problem to have.

[Anonymous]

OP, I recommend that you read the following book, "Does Anyone Else Look Like Me?:A Parent's Guide to Raising Multiracial Children" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa It offers some great tips for parents of multiracial children. As a biracial woman with mixed children myself, it does get annoying dealing with strangers.

Also, try to connect with other multiracial families in the area for support. Honestly, I would probably move to a community in this area that has a higher percentage of Asian families or one that is a little more diverse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the Asian adoptee from above. How often is your child being asked by other kids if she is adopted? I have several children, one of whom is also adopted (the others are mixed Asian-white as my husband is white). None of them has ever been asked by other kids if they were adopted. While people say my bio children look completely like their father and nothing like me, it's very obvious that my adopted child is 100% Asian and totally genetically unrelated to her father, but no child has ever asked her if she is adopted and only one adult has asked her dad about adoption (no one has ever mentioned it to me either, but that's more understandable). She's also elementary school-aged and has been in daycare as well so has been around a lot of other kids.

Do you live in a less diverse part of the DC area?

Im in Kensington, MD. I dont consider it as diverse as I would like, but people seem to think of it as such.

She is not asked my adults, only kids.

Probably once a week to every other week. Pretty much anytime she meets a new group of kids (race is not a factor in the kids who are asking).

I dont believe the questions the kids are asking are coming from a "racist" place. I dont think the kids have that motivation. Adults might, but again, those are not who is asking my kid.

Its a legitimate thing for a kid to be curious about. I was just not prepared for my daughter to feel alienated by the question itself. In part because I did not expect it to come up per se, and also because of course she is not adopted. So why would I have a repository of experience to draw upon to help her?

I dont think this is about her being "not white" either, as another poster weirldy put it (noone called HER post racist). When she is alone with her dad at the playground or out and about, because she resembles him so much, just being slightly different in skin tone, kids dont see any reason to ask, apparently.

I now can see that in fact there must be feelings of alienation for adopted kids more than I had imagined. Which might explain why some people are insisting on reading something into my post that just is not there. I can imagine it must be a daily issue for them: the questions, the questioning looks, what have you. Again, I can handle things fine, but for my daugfhter I need some tools here.

So far I am still waiting for more advice from someone with this direct experience.

OK, I really like Kensington, but it is very white. I am the mom of an adopted Asian child and where we live is a very important thing. We live in a diverse area of Silver Spring. No one asks my child if he is adopted. There are lots of mixed race and adopted kids around here. No big deal. We found a couple areas of Kensington we originally wanted to move to but the racial makeup of the area is why we nixed Kensington from our short list.

I think your child may be getting all the questions from the lack of diversity in your area.

+1

Well said!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the problem may be that you don't accept "race" (as you put it) as an issue.

I'm white and us get you are color blind, but your daughter does not look white. There will be instances, like you mention, where she experiences either positive (ie: you must be smart) vs negative (ie: your adopted) racism with respect to how she looks. You may need to stop ignoring race as something significant in her life and help her learn to navigate the issues she may encounter.

Tell her again, please. Only white people have supposed luxury of ignoring race. We don't want a colorblind society, we want a color respecting society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the Asian adoptee from above. How often is your child being asked by other kids if she is adopted? I have several children, one of whom is also adopted (the others are mixed Asian-white as my husband is white). None of them has ever been asked by other kids if they were adopted. While people say my bio children look completely like their father and nothing like me, it's very obvious that my adopted child is 100% Asian and totally genetically unrelated to her father, but no child has ever asked her if she is adopted and only one adult has asked her dad about adoption (no one has ever mentioned it to me either, but that's more understandable). She's also elementary school-aged and has been in daycare as well so has been around a lot of other kids.

Do you live in a less diverse part of the DC area?

My daughter is Asian & Cacasian mix but looks more Asian. But we never had anyone, adult or child, being rude or asking if she was adopted. Based on what I have personally witnessed, I think OP's experience is the exception rather than the rule. Overall, people are courteous and are used to "blended" families in this area. It's a non-issue in my opinion.

Just because it's not your experience doesn't mean it's a nonissue, it just means you've been lucky. It happens to my friend and her daughter ALL the time. Be grateful this isn't your experience, but don't be dismissive of OP's experience. There is no way for you to know her experience is the exception.

[Anonymous]

I have so many friends with adopted asian children that I kept thinking this one Mom, whose husband I KNEW was Chinese, had adopted her two very Chinese-looking children. And I had known her when she was pregnant with those children!! It was very weird. It's just so common in the DC area to have adopted children of other races, which I think is lovely. But I can see who it would be weird for you OP!

[Anonymous]

Why so much identifying info, OP? I don't know you personally, but I can sure identify you and your child from the Kensington kid circuit. Is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember a mixed race girl I went to high school with complaining that people thought her mom was her nanny. The worst was that she perceived even as a young child that the adults treated her better than they did her "nanny."

My kid is in the same boat. Mixed black/Irish/Hispanic and Jewish. Looks northern East Indian (think Punjabi) or Afghan. Olive skin. Thin upper lip, rosebud lower lip, small nose, waist-length wavy, brown hair. People assume I am the nanny.
Yes, we arm her with replies, but I also mess with ignorant bigots. One woman who proceeded to tell me Indians were taking over the country's hospital, I told "I wouldn't know ma'am. Memsahib won't let me read the newspaper. Says it'll put ideas in my head."

[Anonymous]

I think that there are so many adopted kids now, that that is why people assume your child is adopted. But I never ask people "adoption" type of questions. I think that is personal and private, and really only something I think someone who did the adopting should bring up, if they even wanted to.

Anyways, I think you shoudl talk to your brother and SIL, and see what they do/how they feel. I think you should come up with a simple one or 2 sentence answer for you and your DD. Like tell DD to say "I look just like daddy" or something like that.

And you need to try to develop a thicker skin about it, and learn to brush it off, for the sake of your DD. Is she sees you're not letting it affect you, then she will start to not worry about it also.

[Anonymous]

OP: Don't engage the crazies. It won't go anywhere. I once asked where in the DC area "Maya" was a popular name and I got several ranting posts telling me I was a racist.

remember that this happens to anyone who's child doesn't look like them. Not just people in "mixed-race" marriages. My sisters and I dont look alike and we got a lot of "which one is the milk man's daughter?" growing up. I'm 34, so not only was that joke dated, but it also implied my Mother was a whore. Hilarious.

teach her to roll with it. If you get offended, she will notice. Continue to recognize it, but dont make her feel like she should be angry. She will get it her whole life. It's not racist. It's stupid small talk. But, racism will certainly one her way, so tackle that when it does. The most difficult part of having a child this age is that you can no longer protect them from the words of other kids. If it weren't thus, it would be something else. My daughter us likely learning disabled and kids are starting to notice. I'm going to start her in a relationship with the school guidance counselor now.

I think you're doing a great job dealing with this. Don't doubt yourself!

[Anonymous]

My mother is half black with medium-dark skin, dark eyes and a fro. My dad is Italian with dark skin, eyes, hair. I am lily white with blue eyes. People used to ask all the time whether I was adopted or if I had a different father (bro and sis have dark eyes and skin, too). The question about whether we had the same parents was much worse than the question about whether I was adopted.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God, this was weird. I am German, living in the US. My husband is Asian, came to the US when he was 5. This question has been bothering me quite a bit as well, even though we don't have kids yet. I don't have advice for you, but had to share how much this bothers me as well. Especially knowing that our children probably won't look anything like me and most people will probably think they are adopted when I am alone with them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why so much identifying info, OP? I don't know you personally, but I can sure identify you and your child from the Kensington kid circuit. Is that what you want?

So what? At least you know better not to ask stupid questions when you see OP and her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my God, this was weird. I am German, living in the US. My husband is Asian, came to the US when he was 5. This question has been bothering me quite a bit as well, even though we don't have kids yet. I don't have advice for you, but had to share how much this bothers me as well. Especially knowing that our children probably won't look anything like me and most people will probably think they are adopted when I am alone with them

I don't know why you'd automatically assume that. My children are half white/half Asian and they look much more like the white parent than the Asian one. Everyone comments on how much they favor the white one and people will say to me, "No offense, but they look nothing like you" (no offense taken). Anyway, who cares if they think your children are adopted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why so much identifying info, OP? I don't know you personally, but I can sure identify you and your child from the Kensington kid circuit. Is that what you want?

So what? At least you know better not to ask stupid questions when you see OP and her child.

That's not exactly the take-away about OP I get from this thread.