do people assume your child is adopted when he/she is not? An odd "reverse" challenge

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my God, this was weird. I am German, living in the US. My husband is Asian, came to the US when he was 5. This question has been bothering me quite a bit as well, even though we don't have kids yet. I don't have advice for you, but had to share how much this bothers me as well. Especially knowing that our children probably won't look anything like me and most people will probably think they are adopted when I am alone with them

I don't know why you'd automatically assume that. My children are half white/half Asian and they look much more like the white parent than the Asian one. Everyone comments on how much they favor the white one and people will say to me, "No offense, but they look nothing like you" (no offense taken). Anyway, who cares if they think your children are adopted?

Why I care if someone thinks my children are adopted? I don't. I won't know it, if they just THINK it. But if someone walks up to me and asks if my children are adopted, or even why I adopted Asian kids instead of white ones...yeah, I won't like that. I know mixed raced couples who make that experience every day and it's not a happy confrontation.

Nobody says you have to care. I care. I hope when the time comes my connection to my children will shine through the colors of our skins on very first glance. But for strangers I might look like the nanny or a babysitter or a very close family friend rather than their mother. Sad? Sure. But depending on the way they look people WILL assume they are not my children.

[Anonymous]

Question for OP. How old are you? Maybe this is about your age as well. Adopting parents are often older parents. You say you have been married for 20 years and known each other for 30 years. This is what made me wonder about your age making people combine that with your daughter's ethnicity and leading them to guess adoption.

Having said that I personally just always assume a child and adult are parent/ child and not even question biology. It is just rude. That is a private matter and isn't the business of anyone let alone strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the problem may be that you don't accept "race" (as you put it) as an issue.

I'm white and us get you are color blind, but your daughter does not look white. There will be instances, like you mention, where she experiences either positive (ie: you must be smart) vs negative (ie: your adopted) racism with respect to how she looks. You may need to stop ignoring race as something significant in her life and help her learn to navigate the issues she may encounter.

+1
She is Asian. Better start teaching her about racism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the problem may be that you don't accept "race" (as you put it) as an issue.

I'm white and us get you are color blind, but your daughter does not look white. There will be instances, like you mention, where she experiences either positive (ie: you must be smart) vs negative (ie: your adopted) racism with respect to how she looks. You may need to stop ignoring race as something significant in her life and help her learn to navigate the issues she may encounter.

+1
She is Asian. Better start teaching her about racism.

OP here. She knows about racism. She is not complaining about experiencing racism. She is experiencing kids questioning her origins, which is causing her annoyance and distress.

As to the fact that I "better start teaching her about racism" because "she is Asian" makes it seem like only non white people need to deal with issue. Stupid.

I dropped out of this thread some time ago once I saw that too many people with no ability to see the complexity here were the ones oh so very certain and high and mighty. Get a grip. Talking to people who "get it" was the better choice than posting here.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are both white with brown hair and dark brown eyes. Our first DC looks just like me, but our second has blonde hair and light blue eyes and doesn't really look like any of us. We get asked at least once a day if he's ours! Just last night at dinner, the waitress asked "now, I assume they're both your kids, but how did this one end up blonde with blue eyes?" He is 100% ours, but people (including extended family) have asked if he's adopted, if I used a sperm donor, or if I had an affair. My grandma had blue eyes and there is blonde hair a couple of generations back--he just got all of the recessive genes.

People are nosey and rude sometimes. You shouldn't have to explain yourself or your family to anyone. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I'm sure you get twice the questions and looks that we get.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are white with a daughter adopted from China for 8 years. I have not gotten nearly as many questions as it seems the OP has. I'd say under 10 in 8 yers. And I don't live in the DC area anymore! It is so rare that someone asks us if daughter is adopted. Maybe it's just obvious? I don't know.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like only other kids are asking the DD about being adopted. So probably the problem will disappear over time as the DD gets older and her peers wise up. And eventually she'll be out on her own and not out and about often with either parent. The annoying questions should happen for only a limited time.