do people assume your child is adopted when he/she is not? An odd "reverse" challenge

[Anonymous]

I think it's partially because it's much less typical to see a white woman with an Asian man; usually it's the other way around, so if someone sees an Asian-looking child with a white mom, they usually don't immediately think the husband must be Asian and assume that the child was adopted. I also think in general, people are more prone to approach a mom with nosy questions rather than a dad.

I'm an Asian adoptee. I understand how constantly being asked if you're adopted makes you feel like you don't belong. People are curious about families that don't fit the stereotypical make up of same race family...not that it excuses rude questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the problem may be that you don't accept "race" (as you put it) as an issue.

I'm white and us get you are color blind, but your daughter does not look white. There will be instances, like you mention, where she experiences either positive (ie: you must be smart) vs negative (ie: your adopted) racism with respect to how she looks. You may need to stop ignoring race as something significant in her life and help her learn to navigate the issues she may encounter.

First, I did not ignore race as something significant in her life. The moment it came up, I addressed it. I just did not _assume_ it would largely manifest in questions of adoption. Second, I am not sure that I feel comfortable assuming that the status of adoption is always a negative. That is a pretty specific manifestation. Finally, as to "color blind", I dont know what that is supposed to mean with respect to anything I have said. I can see colors and so I can tell if someone is lighter or darker than me. I just dont focus on it as significant and never have. I dont think that makes me special- does it?

Now there was a REAL CLEAR instance of straight up racism at her first preschool where a little "white" girl was OBSESSED with Nico's race, calling her "half black", asking me every day at pickup why Nico does not look like me, etc. This was a four/five year old girl. It was unrelenting, and I would explain to her nicely and first, then bluntly to her each time. Eventually I just began to ignore her. I did not mention it to her parents. IT was my first preschool experience and it was isolated to this one child. DD and I discussed and explored the topic together, and created some closure. The second preschool was completely not like this at all. Never once did DD tell me of any issues. Same with Kindergarten, although there were some adopted kids there who were very open about being adopted so she was first asked the adopted question by other kids at her kindergarten.

So to the quoted poster I ask what is the purpose of your post? I get that there is racism. And I am posting about the issue. So far that shows that your premise is incorrect. Maybe you didnt bother to read my post. Maybe you are uncomfortable with what you perceive to be my "color blindness" or that I dont see "race" as you feel I should. Well, I put "race" in quotes because its a tenuous concept at best. Culture and identity are so intertwined into this, that it is in fact our responsbility to separate them whenever possible to understand better what is going on.

From my experience, it appears that there is a perception that there are more adopted asian kids than "mixed race families" that have children. BUt, given the statistics on so called mixed race families, I have to wonder. Are there more adoptees? In the DC area? Maybe that would explain the assumption. MAybe its not just what people want to see, but what they actually see, or perceive themselves to see.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, you should examine your prejudices against adoption and adopted kids, you are contributing to the problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is the Asian adoptee from above. How often is your child being asked by other kids if she is adopted? I have several children, one of whom is also adopted (the others are mixed Asian-white as my husband is white). None of them has ever been asked by other kids if they were adopted. While people say my bio children look completely like their father and nothing like me, it's very obvious that my adopted child is 100% Asian and totally genetically unrelated to her father, but no child has ever asked her if she is adopted and only one adult has asked her dad about adoption (no one has ever mentioned it to me either, but that's more understandable). She's also elementary school-aged and has been in daycare as well so has been around a lot of other kids.

Do you live in a less diverse part of the DC area?

[Anonymous]

OP. Your post is very offensive. Please educate yourself on adoption and race a hit so my daughter does not have to encounter your prejudices.

mother of two bio and one cross racial adopted child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, you should examine your prejudices against adoption and adopted kids, you are contributing to the problem.

huh? Wha? Where did you get that I have prejudices against adopted kids??

What are you reading? Someone else's post?!? Could you please quote where I displayed prejudices against adoption?

Just to remind you:

I indicated that I knew adopted kids get questioned, but I was not aware of the frequency.
I said I had realized that adopted kids must be feel alienated by the questions, and its not the answers that matter (in other words providing the answer does not solve the problem at all)
I said my daughter's feelings of not being understood because of questions of her origins highlights how alienating that experience must be because its happening even to someone who is NOT adopted.
And lets see, I have said I dont know why people are so focused on this issue as question to ask.
I said I told DD that there is nothing wrong with being adopted and thats probably why people think there is nothing wrong with the question.

So explain yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Your post is very offensive. Please educate yourself on adoption and race a hit so my daughter does not have to encounter your prejudices.

mother of two bio and one cross racial adopted child

Where are you getting that I am prejudiced? I am trying to highlight other people's offputting questions about my childs origins.
Please explain why my post about my experiences of my child being treated like she is not my child is offensive to you and your cross racial adopted child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the Asian adoptee from above. How often is your child being asked by other kids if she is adopted? I have several children, one of whom is also adopted (the others are mixed Asian-white as my husband is white). None of them has ever been asked by other kids if they were adopted. While people say my bio children look completely like their father and nothing like me, it's very obvious that my adopted child is 100% Asian and totally genetically unrelated to her father, but no child has ever asked her if she is adopted and only one adult has asked her dad about adoption (no one has ever mentioned it to me either, but that's more understandable). She's also elementary school-aged and has been in daycare as well so has been around a lot of other kids.

Do you live in a less diverse part of the DC area?

Im in Kensington, MD. I dont consider it as diverse as I would like, but people seem to think of it as such.

She is not asked my adults, only kids.

Probably once a week to every other week. Pretty much anytime she meets a new group of kids (race is not a factor in the kids who are asking).

I dont believe the questions the kids are asking are coming from a "racist" place. I dont think the kids have that motivation. Adults might, but again, those are not who is asking my kid.

Its a legitimate thing for a kid to be curious about. I was just not prepared for my daughter to feel alienated by the question itself. In part because I did not expect it to come up per se, and also because of course she is not adopted. So why would I have a repository of experience to draw upon to help her?

I dont think this is about her being "not white" either, as another poster weirldy put it (noone called HER post racist). When she is alone with her dad at the playground or out and about, because she resembles him so much, just being slightly different in skin tone, kids dont see any reason to ask, apparently.

I now can see that in fact there must be feelings of alienation for adopted kids more than I had imagined. Which might explain why some people are insisting on reading something into my post that just is not there. I can imagine it must be a daily issue for them: the questions, the questioning looks, what have you. Again, I can handle things fine, but for my daugfhter I need some tools here.

So far I am still waiting for more advice from someone with this direct experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Your post is very offensive. Please educate yourself on adoption and race a hit so my daughter does not have to encounter your prejudices.

mother of two bio and one cross racial adopted child

I have had OP's experiences and it does not make me prejudiced. OP I just tell my son basically what you tell your daughter and move on. That is not a problem he has to own, and to understand kids are curious. No real wisdom to share.

[Anonymous]

OP again: Ive moved my conversation to a forum for transracial adoption and biracial families where I am getting the info and thoughtful conversation I need. So far noone is offended by my question. I was looking for the concept of micro-aggression. Here is a great link about it:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/racial-microagressions-you-hear-on-a-daily-basis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the Asian adoptee from above. How often is your child being asked by other kids if she is adopted? I have several children, one of whom is also adopted (the others are mixed Asian-white as my husband is white). None of them has ever been asked by other kids if they were adopted. While people say my bio children look completely like their father and nothing like me, it's very obvious that my adopted child is 100% Asian and totally genetically unrelated to her father, but no child has ever asked her if she is adopted and only one adult has asked her dad about adoption (no one has ever mentioned it to me either, but that's more understandable). She's also elementary school-aged and has been in daycare as well so has been around a lot of other kids.

Do you live in a less diverse part of the DC area?

My daughter is Asian & Cacasian mix but looks more Asian. But we never had anyone, adult or child, being rude or asking if she was adopted. Based on what I have personally witnessed, I think OP's experience is the exception rather than the rule. Overall, people are courteous and are used to "blended" families in this area. It's a non-issue in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the Asian adoptee from above. How often is your child being asked by other kids if she is adopted? I have several children, one of whom is also adopted (the others are mixed Asian-white as my husband is white). None of them has ever been asked by other kids if they were adopted. While people say my bio children look completely like their father and nothing like me, it's very obvious that my adopted child is 100% Asian and totally genetically unrelated to her father, but no child has ever asked her if she is adopted and only one adult has asked her dad about adoption (no one has ever mentioned it to me either, but that's more understandable). She's also elementary school-aged and has been in daycare as well so has been around a lot of other kids.

Do you live in a less diverse part of the DC area?

Im in Kensington, MD. I dont consider it as diverse as I would like, but people seem to think of it as such.

She is not asked my adults, only kids.

Probably once a week to every other week. Pretty much anytime she meets a new group of kids (race is not a factor in the kids who are asking).

I dont believe the questions the kids are asking are coming from a "racist" place. I dont think the kids have that motivation. Adults might, but again, those are not who is asking my kid.

Its a legitimate thing for a kid to be curious about. I was just not prepared for my daughter to feel alienated by the question itself. In part because I did not expect it to come up per se, and also because of course she is not adopted. So why would I have a repository of experience to draw upon to help her?

I dont think this is about her being "not white" either, as another poster weirldy put it (noone called HER post racist). When she is alone with her dad at the playground or out and about, because she resembles him so much, just being slightly different in skin tone, kids dont see any reason to ask, apparently.

I now can see that in fact there must be feelings of alienation for adopted kids more than I had imagined. Which might explain why some people are insisting on reading something into my post that just is not there. I can imagine it must be a daily issue for them: the questions, the questioning looks, what have you. Again, I can handle things fine, but for my daugfhter I need some tools here.

So far I am still waiting for more advice from someone with this direct experience.

OK, I really like Kensington, but it is very white. I am the mom of an adopted Asian child and where we live is a very important thing. We live in a diverse area of Silver Spring. No one asks my child if he is adopted. There are lots of mixed race and adopted kids around here. No big deal. We found a couple areas of Kensington we originally wanted to move to but the racial makeup of the area is why we nixed Kensington from our short list.

I think your child may be getting all the questions from the lack of diversity in your area.

[Anonymous]

OP: I didn't read the thread but wanted to share a story with you. I have a Korean-German (American) friend who looks Korean. She married a very white, white man. She's had 3 kids and they are ...white. Blond/blue. When she had the first one she said "I have a white baby!" When he was older she said "I have a white child! people are going to want to take him away from me....they will think I"m the nanny!" FF years and she has 3 white kids and just deals.

She's very, very funny and that might not communicate in my post. What I"m trying to share is that you could look at this with humor. Enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the Asian adoptee from above. How often is your child being asked by other kids if she is adopted? I have several children, one of whom is also adopted (the others are mixed Asian-white as my husband is white). None of them has ever been asked by other kids if they were adopted. While people say my bio children look completely like their father and nothing like me, it's very obvious that my adopted child is 100% Asian and totally genetically unrelated to her father, but no child has ever asked her if she is adopted and only one adult has asked her dad about adoption (no one has ever mentioned it to me either, but that's more understandable). She's also elementary school-aged and has been in daycare as well so has been around a lot of other kids.

Do you live in a less diverse part of the DC area?

Im in Kensington, MD. I dont consider it as diverse as I would like, but people seem to think of it as such.

She is not asked my adults, only kids.

Probably once a week to every other week. Pretty much anytime she meets a new group of kids (race is not a factor in the kids who are asking).

I dont believe the questions the kids are asking are coming from a "racist" place. I dont think the kids have that motivation. Adults might, but again, those are not who is asking my kid.

Its a legitimate thing for a kid to be curious about. I was just not prepared for my daughter to feel alienated by the question itself. In part because I did not expect it to come up per se, and also because of course she is not adopted. So why would I have a repository of experience to draw upon to help her?

I dont think this is about her being "not white" either, as another poster weirldy put it (noone called HER post racist). When she is alone with her dad at the playground or out and about, because she resembles him so much, just being slightly different in skin tone, kids dont see any reason to ask, apparently.

I now can see that in fact there must be feelings of alienation for adopted kids more than I had imagined. Which might explain why some people are insisting on reading something into my post that just is not there. I can imagine it must be a daily issue for them: the questions, the questioning looks, what have you. Again, I can handle things fine, but for my daugfhter I need some tools here.

So far I am still waiting for more advice from someone with this direct experience.

OK, I really like Kensington, but it is very white. I am the mom of an adopted Asian child and where we live is a very important thing. We live in a diverse area of Silver Spring. No one asks my child if he is adopted. There are lots of mixed race and adopted kids around here. No big deal. We found a couple areas of Kensington we originally wanted to move to but the racial makeup of the area is why we nixed Kensington from our short list.

I think your child may be getting all the questions from the lack of diversity in your area.

Which part of kensington. We live in kensington and our part is diverse with quite a few kids through adoption. Outside our area we get asked but never locally.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are similar to what you described, although my DH is SouthEast Asian, and we have a son. A few people have asked me if our son is adopted when we are by ourselves. Once, my son turned and said "That is MY MOMMY! huh" (arms crossed, angry expression)

After that I didn't worry about him.

When people ask an awkward question like is he mine, I say..."oh my husband is so beautifully dark and I was so hoping my child would also have lovely dark skin like that, I was even asking in the delivery room!" Some little story that sort of says YES, he's mine and haha, I'm letting you off the hook here but then I change the subject quickly.

I would teach her to say, "Why would you ask? Oh, maybe you've never seen my daddy...we look just alike. Which parent do you get your [blonde hair/blue eyes/inquisitive nature] from??"