Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I always thought adoption was a nice thing and was quietly against abortions.

After reading this thread, my opinion has changed

It just shows that despite your best intentions, the baby you give birth to might turn out with no moral compass. You can’t control how they’re raised. They might come back to try to destroy your life and family with their crazy sense of entitlement. And their family might support them on that.



Definitely one of the more depressing threads I’ve ever read on DCUM.

There are thousands of stories where the adopted child returned, and no one's life was ruined. Ruination only comes from secrets, denial, and lies.When someone is shamed, they have to live in fear.

We need to understand that the idea of a closed adoption has largely passed. An open adoption acknowledges who is who, while allowing all parties to make the best decision for a child without resorting to hidden information, lies, secrets. That serves no one. If two people have a child, they have the full right to give up their parental right, but the fact that it happened is never expunged. The birth is avknowledged, the mother is not shamed, the birth father is also acknowledged and a part of the process, not some shadowy figure absolved of all responsibility because it wasn't evident to anyone. Instead these people are honored for their gift and their responsibility- not their dirty little secret. Life ahead will be much more affirming for all. This is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

I want to add that a piece of paper does not change who you are. It does not change your ethnicity, your appearance, or your DNA. It only changes who is raising you. We all understand that who we are is an amalgam of so many aspects- who we are cannot be dictated by a legal procedure;it never could, and never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I always thought adoption was a nice thing and was quietly against abortions.

After reading this thread, my opinion has changed

It just shows that despite your best intentions, the baby you give birth to might turn out with no moral compass. You can’t control how they’re raised. They might come back to try to destroy your life and family with their crazy sense of entitlement. And their family might support them on that.



Definitely one of the more depressing threads I’ve ever read on DCUM.

There are thousands of stories where the adopted child returned, and no one's life was ruined. Ruination only comes from secrets, denial, and lies.When someone is shamed, they have to live in fear.

We need to understand that the idea of a closed adoption has largely passed. An open adoption acknowledges who is who, while allowing all parties to make the best decision for a child without resorting to hidden information, lies, secrets. That serves no one. If two people have a child, they have the full right to give up their parental right, but the fact that it happened is never expunged. The birth is avknowledged, the mother is not shamed, the birth father is also acknowledged and a part of the process, not some shadowy figure absolved of all responsibility because it wasn't evident to anyone. Instead these people are honored for their gift and their responsibility- not their dirty little secret. Life ahead will be much more affirming for all. This is a good thing.

Removing the shame aspect doesn't mean the adopted child will or should be welcomed by the birth parents with open arms. The birth parents still have the right not to want any sort of relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I always thought adoption was a nice thing and was quietly against abortions.

After reading this thread, my opinion has changed

It just shows that despite your best intentions, the baby you give birth to might turn out with no moral compass. You can’t control how they’re raised. They might come back to try to destroy your life and family with their crazy sense of entitlement. And their family might support them on that.



Definitely one of the more depressing threads I’ve ever read on DCUM.

There are thousands of stories where the adopted child returned, and no one's life was ruined. Ruination only comes from secrets, denial, and lies.When someone is shamed, they have to live in fear.

We need to understand that the idea of a closed adoption has largely passed. An open adoption acknowledges who is who, while allowing all parties to make the best decision for a child without resorting to hidden information, lies, secrets. That serves no one. If two people have a child, they have the full right to give up their parental right, but the fact that it happened is never expunged. The birth is avknowledged, the mother is not shamed, the birth father is also acknowledged and a part of the process, not some shadowy figure absolved of all responsibility because it wasn't evident to anyone. Instead these people are honored for their gift and their responsibility- not their dirty little secret. Life ahead will be much more affirming for all. This is a good thing.

Removing the shame aspect doesn't mean the adopted child will or should be welcomed by the birth parents with open arms. The birth parents still have the right not to want any sort of relationship.

Absolutely, as I added the same information in my response. It is their decision, no one assumes that they will or should embrace. However, they cannot change the knowledge.

[Anonymous]

I opted for an abortion and this thread has helped lift the little guilt I had over it. Both OP’s sister and the lunatic adoptee sock puppeting with glee about how birth mothers should be exposed should have been abortions. I donated to Planned Parenthood after reading this thread because I am SO grateful and glad I will never have some entitled demon spawn from my one-night stand tracking me down one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I always thought adoption was a nice thing and was quietly against abortions.

After reading this thread, my opinion has changed

It just shows that despite your best intentions, the baby you give birth to might turn out with no moral compass. You can’t control how they’re raised. They might come back to try to destroy your life and family with their crazy sense of entitlement. And their family might support them on that.



Definitely one of the more depressing threads I’ve ever read on DCUM.

There are thousands of stories where the adopted child returned, and no one's life was ruined. Ruination only comes from secrets, denial, and lies.When someone is shamed, they have to live in fear.

We need to understand that the idea of a closed adoption has largely passed. An open adoption acknowledges who is who, while allowing all parties to make the best decision for a child without resorting to hidden information, lies, secrets. That serves no one. If two people have a child, they have the full right to give up their parental right, but the fact that it happened is never expunged. The birth is avknowledged, the mother is not shamed, the birth father is also acknowledged and a part of the process, not some shadowy figure absolved of all responsibility because it wasn't evident to anyone. Instead these people are honored for their gift and their responsibility- not their dirty little secret. Life ahead will be much more affirming for all. This is a good thing.

Well clearly the idea of closed adoption is over now, since there’s genetic testing. People didn’t know that 20 or even 10 years ago when they made their decision though.

And you can argue all you like about how open adoptions are best for the child, and I think that’s obviously true. But it doesn’t change the fact that many women find themselves in a horrible situation (through bad decisions, bad luck, or sometimes even horror and tragedy) and the only way they were okay with the idea of going through with the pregnancy is to be guaranteed anonymity. Since they know this is no longer an option, I’d expect the abortion rate to go up.

It’s sad that some people like yourself seem to think that it’s more important for a person to be allowed to drop a bomb on someone’s life than to be given life themselves. The whole thing is quite depressing. I’ve always felt really bad for women finding themselves in the position of making this decision and now I feel even worse for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I always thought adoption was a nice thing and was quietly against abortions.

After reading this thread, my opinion has changed

It just shows that despite your best intentions, the baby you give birth to might turn out with no moral compass. You can’t control how they’re raised. They might come back to try to destroy your life and family with their crazy sense of entitlement. And their family might support them on that.



Definitely one of the more depressing threads I’ve ever read on DCUM.

There are thousands of stories where the adopted child returned, and no one's life was ruined. Ruination only comes from secrets, denial, and lies.When someone is shamed, they have to live in fear.

We need to understand that the idea of a closed adoption has largely passed. An open adoption acknowledges who is who, while allowing all parties to make the best decision for a child without resorting to hidden information, lies, secrets. That serves no one. If two people have a child, they have the full right to give up their parental right, but the fact that it happened is never expunged. The birth is avknowledged, the mother is not shamed, the birth father is also acknowledged and a part of the process, not some shadowy figure absolved of all responsibility because it wasn't evident to anyone. Instead these people are honored for their gift and their responsibility- not their dirty little secret. Life ahead will be much more affirming for all. This is a good thing.

Well clearly the idea of closed adoption is over now, since there’s genetic testing. People didn’t know that 20 or even 10 years ago when they made their decision though.

And you can argue all you like about how open adoptions are best for the child, and I think that’s obviously true. But it doesn’t change the fact that many women find themselves in a horrible situation (through bad decisions, bad luck, or sometimes even horror and tragedy) and the only way they were okay with the idea of going through with the pregnancy is to be guaranteed anonymity. Since they know this is no longer an option, I’d expect the abortion rate to go up.

It’s sad that some people like yourself seem to think that it’s more important for a person to be allowed to drop a bomb on someone’s life than to be given life themselves. The whole thing is quite depressing. I’ve always felt really bad for women finding themselves in the position of making this decision and now I feel even worse for them.

Yes, you have already made your position clear , poster. Very clear. Please find something else to do, now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister's curiosity is understandable but she is dead wrong. Trying to find and contact her birth mother is one thing, but contacting the woman's family is a violation on so many levels it boggles my mind.

“The woman’s family” is her family also.

Sharing DNA doesn't make them family. The adoptee's family are the people who raised her.

It does when it pertains to medical history. She could be suceptible to any number of medical illnesses and not know it with no blood relations to confer with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister's curiosity is understandable but she is dead wrong. Trying to find and contact her birth mother is one thing, but contacting the woman's family is a violation on so many levels it boggles my mind.

“The woman’s family” is her family also.

Sharing DNA doesn't make them family. The adoptee's family are the people who raised her.

It does when it pertains to medical history. She could be suceptible to any number of medical illnesses and not know it with no blood relations to confer with.

So? So may I? Why does that entitle her to disrupt someone else's life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister's curiosity is understandable but she is dead wrong. Trying to find and contact her birth mother is one thing, but contacting the woman's family is a violation on so many levels it boggles my mind.

“The woman’s family” is her family also.

Sharing DNA doesn't make them family. The adoptee's family are the people who raised her.

It does when it pertains to medical history. She could be suceptible to any number of medical illnesses and not know it with no blood relations to confer with.

So? So may I? Why does that entitle her to disrupt someone else's life?

She's entitled to know for preventive measures, just as I can sue a sexual partner who doesn't disclose that they have a venereal disease.

Her birth mother refused all contact when reached out to, so she reached out to the next best option (barring paternal contact).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister's curiosity is understandable but she is dead wrong. Trying to find and contact her birth mother is one thing, but contacting the woman's family is a violation on so many levels it boggles my mind.

“The woman’s family” is her family also.

Sharing DNA doesn't make them family. The adoptee's family are the people who raised her.

It does when it pertains to medical history. She could be suceptible to any number of medical illnesses and not know it with no blood relations to confer with.

Requests for medical information can made thru a third party in order to minimize disruption to the birth mother's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is a bitch for trying to wreck this woman's life.

DP And I think you are a bitch for saying that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is wrong, although her wrong is more forgivable.

Your parents are so wrong that my head spins. The birth mother gave them the gift of your sister and they can't even respect her privacy that was part of the adoption agreement? They sound extremely spiteful.

Maybe that's why your sister wants a new family.

+1 wrong on so many levels

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I always thought adoption was a nice thing and was quietly against abortions.

After reading this thread, my opinion has changed

It just shows that despite your best intentions, the baby you give birth to might turn out with no moral compass. You can’t control how they’re raised. They might come back to try to destroy your life and family with their crazy sense of entitlement. And their family might support them on that.



Definitely one of the more depressing threads I’ve ever read on DCUM.

There are thousands of stories where the adopted child returned, and no one's life was ruined. Ruination only comes from secrets, denial, and lies.When someone is shamed, they have to live in fear.

We need to understand that the idea of a closed adoption has largely passed. An open adoption acknowledges who is who, while allowing all parties to make the best decision for a child without resorting to hidden information, lies, secrets. That serves no one. If two people have a child, they have the full right to give up their parental right, but the fact that it happened is never expunged. The birth is avknowledged, the mother is not shamed, the birth father is also acknowledged and a part of the process, not some shadowy figure absolved of all responsibility because it wasn't evident to anyone. Instead these people are honored for their gift and their responsibility- not their dirty little secret. Life ahead will be much more affirming for all. This is a good thing.

Well clearly the idea of closed adoption is over now, since there’s genetic testing. People didn’t know that 20 or even 10 years ago when they made their decision though.

And you can argue all you like about how open adoptions are best for the child, and I think that’s obviously true. But it doesn’t change the fact that many women find themselves in a horrible situation (through bad decisions, bad luck, or sometimes even horror and tragedy) and the only way they were okay with the idea of going through with the pregnancy is to be guaranteed anonymity. Since they know this is no longer an option, I’d expect the abortion rate to go up.

It’s sad that some people like yourself seem to think that it’s more important for a person to be allowed to drop a bomb on someone’s life than to be given life themselves. The whole thing is quite depressing. I’ve always felt really bad for women finding themselves in the position of making this decision and now I feel even worse for them.

+1 in complete agreement with your post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I opted for an abortion and this thread has helped lift the little guilt I had over it. Both OP’s sister and the lunatic adoptee sock puppeting with glee about how birth mothers should be exposed should have been abortions. I donated to Planned Parenthood after reading this thread because I am SO grateful and glad I will never have some entitled demon spawn from my one-night stand tracking me down one day.

DP I respect your choice but, do find it sad that just by reading this thread you assume that your child would grow up to be a "demon" spawn. There are plenty of adopted kids who do not go searching for their birth parents and are happy with their adopted parents.

Again, not arguing with your choice just how you speak of someone when you have no idea.