Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truth - Show me your day planner and I'll tell you what is most important to you. The way you allocate your time reflects your priorities.

You spend the most time on the things that matter most to you.

What does your husband's allocate?

This.

I really hope Ms. "Show me your day planner and I'll tell you what is most important to you" answers this, because it'll be a pretty piece of insight into the SAHM-uber-alles mentality.

First, I'm not a SAHM. I went back to work part-time when my youngest started kindergarten and full time when he started high school. I'm still home by 4pm every day at the very latest.

Second, no matter how much you may want it to be true, a father is never going to be the same as a mother. My DH didn't carry our child in his body for nine months. His body was not designed to provide nourishment to a baby. There is nothing natural about pumping milk from your body and giving it to your baby from a plastic nipple. We don't even take puppies away from their mothers until they are weaned.

I'm not anti working mom. I work. I do find it unbelievable that a "mother" would leave an infant or young child for 8+ hours a day. I would have sold our home and everything in it and moved to an apartment in a lower cost of living area before I would have left an infant in daycare or with a nanny.

My DH has a flexible, well paying job. I know we are fortunate. He was able to spend a ton of time with our kids. How primary job, however was to provide for his family financially. His schedule would reflect that because he knew our children were being cared for by someone who loved them more than anything in the world, he could relax and do his job. Once they were older and in school, that of course changed.

There are seasons to life. Moms and babies belong together. Most of the world has figured that out.

A mans primary job is to provide for his family financially?
Guess a woman's is to spread her legs and bring the bourbon.

[Anonymous]

Who, 7:13, should care for the children and home? Cheap illegals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious. If someone had told me a week ago that there are actually a substantial number of SAHMs who think I love my kid less than they do because I work full time, I would have called her insane and told her that there's no way so many people are that judgmental and sanctimonious. I guess you really do learn something new every day!

I don't question if you love your kid.

The problem is:
How does your kid FEEL loved?
"My mommy can buy me more toys"?

Most SMART kids quickly see through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious. If someone had told me a week ago that there are actually a substantial number of SAHMs who think I love my kid less than they do because I work full time, I would have called her insane and told her that there's no way so many people are that judgmental and sanctimonious. I guess you really do learn something new every day!

Haha I know, al the SAHMs I know are not like this, guess they are just hanging out in here. I don't think the haiku nanny even has kids herself but feels equipped to judge all working parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious. If someone had told me a week ago that there are actually a substantial number of SAHMs who think I love my kid less than they do because I work full time, I would have called her insane and told her that there's no way so many people are that judgmental and sanctimonious. I guess you really do learn something new every day!

Haha I know, al the SAHMs I know are not like this, guess they are just hanging out in here. I don't think the haiku nanny even has kids herself but feels equipped to judge all working parents.

I don't think it's a substantial amount who really think that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who, 7:13, should care for the children and home? Cheap illegals?

A leech AND a racist!?! What a prize you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truth - Show me your day planner and I'll tell you what is most important to you. The way you allocate your time reflects your priorities.

You spend the most time on the things that matter most to you.

What does your husband's allocate?

This.

I really hope Ms. "Show me your day planner and I'll tell you what is most important to you" answers this, because it'll be a pretty piece of insight into the SAHM-uber-alles mentality.

First, I'm not a SAHM. I went back to work part-time when my youngest started kindergarten and full time when he started high school. I'm still home by 4pm every day at the very latest.

Second, no matter how much you may want it to be true, a father is never going to be the same as a mother. My DH didn't carry our child in his body for nine months. His body was not designed to provide nourishment to a baby. There is nothing natural about pumping milk from your body and giving it to your baby from a plastic nipple. We don't even take puppies away from their mothers until they are weaned.

I'm not anti working mom. I work. I do find it unbelievable that a "mother" would leave an infant or young child for 8+ hours a day. I would have sold our home and everything in it and moved to an apartment in a lower cost of living area before I would have left an infant in daycare or with a nanny.

My DH has a flexible, well paying job. I know we are fortunate. He was able to spend a ton of time with our kids. How primary job, however was to provide for his family financially. His schedule would reflect that because he knew our children were being cared for by someone who loved them more than anything in the world, he could relax and do his job. Once they were older and in school, that of course changed.

There are seasons to life. Moms and babies belong together. Most of the world has figured that out.

You "would have" moved to an apartment or lower cost of living area before putting your kids in daycare? Except your husband makes a lot, so we'll never really know. I love the SAHMs on this thread with lots of money that just sit around and judge everyone else. If you had actually lowered your standard of living--if you walked the walk--you'd have some standing here. But it sounds like you are just a rotten bitch.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Congratulations! You did it right! You won at Mommy! Now it is your job to go around and loudly judge everyone who's doing it wrong. Glad you've gotten started on that! The day's a-wasting!

Man, I can't wait until your kids grow up. Let's just say that your black-and-white thinking doesn't bode well for your emotional intelligence as a mother (or friend, wife, or human being).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Congratulations! You did it right! You won at Mommy! Now it is your job to go around and loudly judge everyone who's doing it wrong. Glad you've gotten started on that! The day's a-wasting!

Man, I can't wait until your kids grow up. Let's just say that your black-and-white thinking doesn't bode well for your emotional intelligence as a mother (or friend, wife, or human being).

Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner. This mom is obviously better than the rest of us. Now that we have acknowledged her superiority ( even though I'm sure her need for affirmation is bottomless and there's clearly no bitterness (ahem) can we go back to our busy lives of not loving our children as much, overcompensating with toys, and, worst of all, not teaching them to be judgmental of everyone who isn't exactly like them?

Signed, an adoptive mom who is definitely lesser because I didn't carry my child or nurse him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Ok, then I'll tell you this: I WANTED TO go back to work. And since I am a person whose mother went back to work when I was a baby, and I am a happy, normal adult, I don't have this crazy fear that I am damaging my kids, because I myself am the proof that having a loving, involved parent is the most important thing. Which was how this thread started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

NEWSFLASH EVERYONE. PP HAS DECIDED THAT CHILDCARE CAN START AT 3. EVERYONE ARRANGE YOUR LIVES ACCORDINGLY.

PP, you are a rancid bitch. Not for holding the opinion that you believe a SAHM is best for children younger than three, but because you have no shred of humility or the self-knowledge to realize that your opinion is only your opinion, and you're not the authority on other people's lives.

Stop worrying about other people's children. Our children are fine. Start worrying about teaching your children to respect others and their paths, even if they differ from yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Single moms? Moms who are in professions where they can't take a break (surgery, academia) without significant repercussions? Parents where one person is deployed in the military? Parents who don't have trustworthy family nearby? These families all rely on daycare.

You have a very limited worldview. Very limited. FWIW, I am a (now tenured) professor in a STEM field who had my child in on-campus daycare. I nursed for 1.5 years, visited DC in daycare several times a day, and managed to have very successful career. I could not have taken time out of my field, because that is not how tenure works. A daycare was far better for DC and for me than a nanny, logistically and financially. Go ahead and blast me as a mom for having my 6 month old in daycare. But, you also probably believe that "math is hard" for girls....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

You're projecting your own emotions onto your kids, but it's understandable. The fact is, working FT with an infant or a young toddler (especially while still breastfeeding) is hardest on the mom. The kids will be absolutely fine with a competent caregiver. Read Sarah Blaffer Hrdy's "Mother Nature" -- it is totally common throughout the primate world to have other women or girls ("allomothers") care for the babies, while the mother goes out to work/forage/hunt. This is because the more mature mother is a competent provider, so it makes evolutionary sense for the baby to be cared for by others.

It's perfectly normal for a new mother to have fiercely protective feelings towards her baby. This probably ensure that she makes sure that the caregivers are to be trusted -- which may have been easier in a time with tighter social networks. It's much, much harder when you have to hire essential strangers to do it. The modern configuration of going away to an office also probably makes it harder. But don't mistake these MATERNAL feelings with what's good for the baby. As long as the substitute caregiver is reasonably attentive, the baby is happy. It's the mom who might suffer.

None of this is to discount the emotions of women who decide to stay home because they have such strong feelings about it. That's a personal choice, and one I fully understand. Just don't act like your subjective feelings are the entire reality of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would do anything and everything necessary to be with my kids during the early years. At least from 1-3. Daycare can kick in at 3. And yes, I have done it all: moved to a cheaper area, worked from home, cut expenses etc. etc. Being with my kids absolutely trumps making money. As long as we have enough we have enough. Love, care and time over all are important to a child's early development...being able to afford nice clothes, toys, vacations, camps etc. is not as important to a child's emotional well-being as is being with Mom.

I would never leave an infant in daycare. Never. I would never leave an under 2 year old in daycare. Never. I do judge people who leave their under 2s in daycare because there ALWAYS are other ways. We got by on very little money for a very long time because we changed our priorities. It's not a bad life - just different. So nobody can tell me "I HAD TO leave my 6 months old at daycare 8 hours a day because I HAD TO work." No. You just didn't look hard enough for other options.

Ok, then I'll tell you this: I WANTED TO go back to work. And since I am a person whose mother went back to work when I was a baby, and I am a happy, normal adult, I don't have this crazy fear that I am damaging my kids, because I myself am the proof that having a loving, involved parent is the most important thing. Which was how this thread started.

One can only hope your sub isn't "damaging" your child,
while both parenting are busy doing what they WANT.
Good luck with that.