How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

post reply Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

◄ 1 2 3 ... 24 25 26 ... 31 32 33 ► Go

Go to page...

05/19/2023 12:47

Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

I am the PP you're responding to, and I truly do empathize with everything you are feeling because I have been there 100 percent and have at some time or other, felt the same.

There are a few differences though, that might make it harder for you than it was for me. My DH connects with our kids, just in a different way. He may not remember their birthdays, or know who their friends are, but he treats them as his equals and they respond to that. It's been partly problematic for me because it requires me to take on most of the parenting role, with setting expectations, limits, and sometimes being the "mean" parent by taking away things. It's gotten somewhat better through some discussion, but he still seems to struggle with realizing that they are still just kids, and sometimes he just treats them too much like full grown adults and gets mad when they fall short of those expectations. But at the same time, the kids are very bonded to him, particularly the one who is also neurodiverse, because they have very similar interests and ways of thinking. He does check out and go into his own world for many hours at a time, and he works many hours a week, but I have to say - he does make an effort to also spend time with them. It is like 70/30 in terms of him spending his free time on his own interests vs spending time with the kids and me. DH is also good with bringing the kids and me into his areas of interest - so if you and your family are willing, you may be able to connect in this way.

The other big difference is me. I grew up with parents who were NOT emotionally available AT ALL and I grew up kind of isolated because they were working all the time and were very controlling. So in some ways, I am just used to it and don't need that constant emotional connection. And to be honest, if I were married to someone with more normal needs for emotional connection, it might just be too much pressure on me to live up to that expectation when it is still pretty foreign to me. The friends that I see on an occasional basis, and message with nearly daily, and the therapist that I see once or twice a month, provides me with more than enough emotional connection. So I can see how if you had more normal needs, it would be much harder for you.

As for special occasions, I gave up on pretty much all my expectations around that a long time ago. But there was a time I was really resentful and sad about it. We've been together for more than 20 years and I can count on one hand where he remembered our anniversary, and then valentine's day is just not a thing with us. If I want to do something special, I either plan it for us, or I give him reminders and an explicit request to plan something. These are just not things that are normally on his radar. He has a very limited focus area of prioritization, and everything else falls off of it and is rendered invisible, unless he is prompted with urgency to make it a priority. Over time, I've adopted a similar ambivalence around special occasions, and I just don't care about them as much.

You might want to seek therapy for yourself to work through some of these issues and see if you are willing an able to make these adjustments (in expectations and communication style) to make your marriage work for the both of you.

Not OP but this was my ex before he had affairs that even after therapy wouldn't get fixed and kept happening. Honestly, I'm glad of the affairs (what I wasn't told is that men as they age can also be very impulsive especially if they aren't connected well to the world) to have an excuse to leave and since I got primary custody it's just a monetary issue for me now. The line about treating kids as if they were peers really struck with me. That's how I felt. Like he was a Peter Pan kid and got mad at them when he shouldn't and was too permissive when he shouldn't have been. And no real adult connection to me. I felt like he would just be a roommate after the kids left. Now that your kids are grown, how do you stay connected? How do you make it work for you?

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Our kids are still young and in elementary school so it's yet to play out. I have thought about how things would change after the kids are grown. I have to say I was the second most unhappy before kids, due to various circumstances. The stress of learning to live together. Also I followed him to a different city for his job and was somewhat isolated. My own deep-seated issues with intimacy and self esteem, and he was very... let's say "untrained" when it came to being in a relationship. He would constantly cross a lot of boundaries, say hurtful things, was defensive and would attack my self-worth when he felt attacked, and was very self-centered - but in the end it was a kind of naivete about how to have a relationship with someone and he had to be taught that I wouldn't tolerate being treated that way. The most unhappy was when the kids were very young, and his life changed very little while my life completely changed and the responsibilities were so new and overwhelming.

I imagine it will be an adjustment after the kids are grown, but all marriages go through that. We'd have to make more of a concerted effort to connect - but I'm hoping we'll have more time to do things together and be less stressed when that time comes. I imagine he will get very wrapped up in his own projects that he has not had time for with work and kids, so it may be that I will have to find my own thing at that time, which honestly, sounds appealing to me and doesn't sound like a bad thing.

But yes, what you said about Peter Pan, permissiveness, and constant arguing and bickering with the kids like he was one of their siblings. He conveys zero sense of a parent kind of persona, so the kids do not treat him like a parent either. For a while, I just got more lax because I was so tired of being the "mean parent" and would wait for DH to step up more, but then I saw it was having bad negative effects on our kids. They became unhappy, anxious. angry, negative, feral at times, and prone to daily meltdowns. So I'm back to being the "mean parent" and just hoping the kids will appreciate it when they are 30.

Have seen so much of this as well.

He’s developmentally like a 4 yo and treats his own children like a 4 yo too- for 10+ years now.
He cannot connect with people or his own kids.
He can’t tell time passing so when he’s in charge Oops, too much screens and no homework done, garbage food eaten (easier in humans kids know he’s a push over), missed bedtimes.

Things unravel quickly if I go on work trips, then take a week to get back on track.

He’s always on his own planet, only thinking if his office work, tv shows and food for himself.