Having an overweight teenage daughter is so hard

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My dh was fat as a kid and teen. He has often said he wishes his parents would have helped him by teaching him about nutrition and fitness. You all are doing your kids a real disservice.

Not really. Studies show that all the education in nutrition and exercise in the world doesn’t really matter that much; most people have very little control over their weight. That’s why the new recommendations for pediatric obesity involve medication or even bariatric surgery for teenagers. The chances are high that even if his parents had tried everything to intervene it wouldn’t have mattered. It didn’t for me, I remained and remain obese despite my parents pressing the issue very very hard and trying to control my eating and exercise, taking me to doctors and nutritionist. Nothing they did helped me become a thin adult but it did really mess me up emotionally.

There was an episode today on this topic on The Daily podcast. I highly recommend your DH listen to it, it may help him accept that his parents didn’t do him a disservice at all.

This makes no sense unless you disclose what you were eating each day and your activity level.

Stop this nonsense about how you just have no idea why you were obese. People are obese because they overeat, overeat the wrong calories (sugar carbs, fat), and don’t get a base level of activity output per day.

www.foodaddicts.org.
If you ignore that basic fact and skip right to meds, stomach stapling, hormones, you’re and idiot. Get on noom, and own it: everything that goes into your month. Write it down. Think about why you’re an eating agin, what yours eating. Empty processed food calories again? Write it down. Go over it yourself. Take baby step incremental changes. Have a goal for 6 and 12 months. Do it.

I mean, I was a child. 8 years old. Obviously I was overeating, but why? Most kids can regulate.

It makes TOTAL sense to me. I was a kid like that too. I ate way too much, and the wrong things - my parents tried everything and nothing worked. I think that’s what PP means when she says most people have little control overt their weight. I know that was true for me. I was an obese child and became an obese young adult. I found a program for food addiction that saved my life and I’ve been a healthy weight ever since. Even with all of this knowledge from my own experience, however, it is still SO hard for me to watch my own kids get fat. I still think maybe if they exercised more of if I tried to limit their food or whatever, things would be different. When they were little we didn’t have a lot of junk in the house just because I don’t eat it - but I never restricted them and bought the usual things (juice boxes, kid food, goldfish etc) but for meals they pretty much ate what I eat and stayed at a relatively healthy weight. Now that they can prepare and buy their own food they eat sort of like I did.

What food addiction program did you use?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh was fat as a kid and teen. He has often said he wishes his parents would have helped him by teaching him about nutrition and fitness. You all are doing your kids a real disservice.

Not really. Studies show that all the education in nutrition and exercise in the world doesn’t really matter that much; most people have very little control over their weight. That’s why the new recommendations for pediatric obesity involve medication or even bariatric surgery for teenagers. The chances are high that even if his parents had tried everything to intervene it wouldn’t have mattered. It didn’t for me, I remained and remain obese despite my parents pressing the issue very very hard and trying to control my eating and exercise, taking me to doctors and nutritionist. Nothing they did helped me become a thin adult but it did really mess me up emotionally.

There was an episode today on this topic on The Daily podcast. I highly recommend your DH listen to it, it may help him accept that his parents didn’t do him a disservice at all.

This makes no sense unless you disclose what you were eating each day and your activity level.

Stop this nonsense about how you just have no idea why you were obese. People are obese because they overeat, overeat the wrong calories (sugar carbs, fat), and don’t get a base level of activity output per day.


If you ignore that basic fact and skip right to meds, stomach stapling, hormones, you’re and idiot. Get on noom, and own it: everything that goes into your month. Write it down. Think about why you’re an eating agin, what yours eating. Empty processed food calories again? Write it down. Go over it yourself. Take baby step incremental changes. Have a goal for 6 and 12 months. Do it.

I mean, I was a child. 8 years old. Obviously I was overeating, but why? Most kids can regulate.

It makes TOTAL sense to me. I was a kid like that too. I ate way too much, and the wrong things - my parents tried everything and nothing worked. I think that’s what PP means when she says most people have little control overt their weight. I know that was true for me. I was an obese child and became an obese young adult. I found a program for food addiction that saved my life and I’ve been a healthy weight ever since. Even with all of this knowledge from my own experience, however, it is still SO hard for me to watch my own kids get fat. I still think maybe if they exercised more of if I tried to limit their food or whatever, things would be different. When they were little we didn’t have a lot of junk in the house just because I don’t eat it - but I never restricted them and bought the usual things (juice boxes, kid food, goldfish etc) but for meals they pretty much ate what I eat and stayed at a relatively healthy weight. Now that they can prepare and buy their own food they eat sort of like I did.

What food addiction program did you use?

www.foodaddicts.org.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP this is very hard.

I completely understand.

But your dd will have to make the decision to lose weight on her own.

Yes, but that should not stop OP from trying to help her daughter now before she is disabled due to any number of likely serious adverse conditions that will develop.

Purposely having an insurance company send a letter that she is uninsurable isn’t helping. It won’t make her smaller. You really think that’s an effective way to encourage weight loss? Seriously?

This is funny. I'm a PP who has been overweight my entire life. This actually happened to me shortly after college...my parent said I couldn't be on their insurance anymore so I had to get my own plan. I was rejected based on my BMI. I'll give you one guess as to whether that spurred me to lose weight lol. And that was as an adult...any teenager is going to be like "Ummm, okay. Anyway. What's life insurance?" So at best it will be ineffective, at worst it will hurt the DD and the relationship because it's a f***** up thing to do to a person, making an insurance company do your dirty work.

You have independent proof of your condition. How you chose to react to that information was up to you. Because you chose to ignore the warning does not mean that OP's daughter will react in the same manner. You are an adult and it is your life. OP's daughter is a minor and in the care and custody of her parents.

Would you ignore dangerous behavior of your minor child ? Or would you try to help ? And if you try to help, would you seek independent professional advice from a qualified medical practitioner or would you coddle the minor child and act like everything is okay ?

OP hasn’t sought any healthcare (mental or physical) for her daughter at all.

OP here.
How do you seek healthcare for this (mental or physical) without conveying that it is a problem to the kid? Very curious how you would do this.

I have been very careful to not say anything to my kid. We don't talk about weight.


I mentioned my sons in one line (ONE LINE) and people are extrapolating that I love them more. I simply mentioned them because the first advice in any child weight post is always (rightfully so) "remove junk from the house."
We do remove most junk but the context of our family dynamic is that we can't fill the fridge solely with hard-boiled eggs and cheese sticks and cut-up vegetables. I have two kids who are in the midst of trying to put on
20+ pounds of muscle this winter (they are in winter conditioning for spring sports) and eat 4000-5000 calories a day. Anyway, No I don't love them more than my daughter and I don't buy a lot of things they might want out of respect for her.
I meet them all in the middle.

As to weight-she is about 5'2 and was a size 6 and now a size 12-14. So she's not obese but she's medically overweight..BMI is on the high end of the scale of "overweight" or her height. Now go ahead and jump on me for saying that my perfectly healthy daughter is not overweight.

I have to sign off now as I'm headed to an evening event.

Why did you say that she wasn't small before, as a size 6? Size 6 is plenty small.

NP here who is 5’2” and size 6 is not small especially with today’s vanity sizing. Size 2-6 is normal. Size 0 or 00 is small.

size is not indicative of health. I'm sorry that you believe that. I've never been under 145lbs at 5'2'' and was a size 8 at 145. I had lower body fat 18-20% at a size 8. I would never ever ever be a size 0/2/4. EVER. small for a person is relative to their musculature, build, where they store body fat, body fat percentage, amount of LBM, short torso, long torso, short legs, long legs, etc. BMI is a crock for many women, especially female athletes who have higher amounts of muscle compared to waif twigs.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

Wrong. Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

And PP is why girls get anorexia.

Signed,
Family member died of anorexia

Again: being overweight is way more dangerous than being anorexic.

You’re wrong, tone deaf, and offensive. Stop posting this garbage.

Pp, I am so sorry. How heartbreaking. I’m sorry for the insensitive post you had to read twice now.

Thank you. I appreciate it. I have seen similar sentiments online from other pro-ana posters, so I am a little hardened to it. The incorrect (and absolutely bizarre) PP is part of the reason girls get anorexia. It is horrifying to what what mothers do to their daughters. Nobody who has seen anorexia up close would ever express such a horrifying sentiment, but I am convinced some of the diet and exercise posters here are actually pro-ana trolls.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:+3 to the now buried rec to listen to the podcast Maintenance Mode. Also Christy Harrison’s Food Psych. I also recommend her book “Anti Diet” as OP seems to have some food fear/fat phobia. Address that first so you can help your daughter with out damaging your relationship.

I haven't listened to Maintenance Mode specifically but I do listen to other weight maintenance type podcasts. Sometimes they are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise insane landscape. Stuff that focuses on maintenance, not weight loss, is the right way to go.

Maintenance first. Don't even think about weight loss. Lean into how to support her emotionally.

OP, I would find it hard too. It's hard for heavy kids.

It’s called maintenance phase and it’s not about weight maintenance, it’s a in-depth critique of the weight loss industry, intentional weight loss, and fatphobia.

Interesting. Good to know. Then I probably wouldn't be a fan. I don't care much for the weight loss industry and don't promote it but education on how to stabilize where you are at now and do it in an emotionally sound and sustainable way is what I'm interested in. A critique of an obviously useless weight loss industry is a waste of time, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

Wrong. Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

And PP is why girls get anorexia.

Signed,
Family member died of anorexia

Again: being overweight is way more dangerous than being anorexic.

This must be a troll, because I cannot believe anyone in this day and age is this stupid.

Anorexia is a deadly disease. In fact, experts suggest it’s one of the most dangerous illnesses that can impact men and women.

Up to 10% of people with anorexia die within about 10 years of getting the disease, and up to 20% will die after 20 years.[1]

Early deaths can be blamed on the following:

Heart issues
Endocrine disorders
Gastrointestinal disease
Refeeding syndrome
Suicide

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contact her doctor - ask the doctor for help/guidance and let the doctor talk to her about healthy weight and exercise? It could also be depression making things worse.

I'm sorry. It is so hard.

This is good advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+3 to the now buried rec to listen to the podcast Maintenance Mode. Also Christy Harrison’s Food Psych. I also recommend her book “Anti Diet” as OP seems to have some food fear/fat phobia. Address that first so you can help your daughter with out damaging your relationship.

I haven't listened to Maintenance Mode specifically but I do listen to other weight maintenance type podcasts. Sometimes they are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise insane landscape. Stuff that focuses on maintenance, not weight loss, is the right way to go.

Maintenance first. Don't even think about weight loss. Lean into how to support her emotionally.

OP, I would find it hard too. It's hard for heavy kids.

It’s called maintenance phase and it’s not about weight maintenance, it’s a in-depth critique of the weight loss industry, intentional weight loss, and fatphobia.

Interesting. Good to know. Then I probably wouldn't be a fan. I don't care much for the weight loss industry and don't promote it but education on how to stabilize where you are at now and do it in an emotionally sound and sustainable way is what I'm interested in. A critique of an obviously useless weight loss industry is a waste of time, IMO.

You did see that Maintenance Phase covers other topics, right? But if you can use the phrase "healthy weight" without rolling your eyes, it's not the podcast for you, because it operates with the understanding that weight and health are separate issues, at least until someone tries to link them and develops unhealthful practices as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

Wrong. Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

And PP is why girls get anorexia.

Signed,
Family member died of anorexia

Again: being overweight is way more dangerous than being anorexic.

This must be a troll, because I cannot believe anyone in this day and age is this stupid.

Anorexia is a deadly disease. In fact, experts suggest it’s one of the most dangerous illnesses that can impact men and women.

Up to 10% of people with anorexia die within about 10 years of getting the disease, and up to 20% will die after 20 years.[1]

Early deaths can be blamed on the following:

Heart issues
Endocrine disorders
Gastrointestinal disease
Refeeding syndrome
Suicide

The poster minimizing anorexia is a pro-anorexia troll. There are unfortunately a few of them that haunt these boards and they are literally sick in the head. It is a good reminder to other readers that when you are reading posts about weight, some of them come from people like the clearly ill PP.

[Anonymous]

PP her with daughter who developed anorexia … Just wanted to note my point was my daughter was a little overweight - got some comments, not even super harsh or often - and I’ve now seen programs and programs filled with girls (and some boys) who had extreme responses to negative messages about weight and bodies.
It’s disheartening to me how much of this thread is people trying to affirm that social pressures around being thin. Being overweight but not obese isn’t tied to many increased health issues.
But For goodness sake, PP, I get your sons training for sports - but if you have concerns about your daughter’s health, put that first.

[Anonymous]

Anorexia is a horrible illness. I'd choose being overweight or even obese over it any day, and would choose the same for my kids.

[Anonymous]

My dd us over wright as well, her pediatrician, therapist, and psychiatrist, say nothing. Too afraid being that she has high anxiety and had depressive issues i. Past. I am tip toeing as much as possible around her but if she asks me for an honest opinion, I always tell her constructively my answer. Today she askd me when I just got up if she looked fat in her sweatpants and sweatshirt (oversized). I told her yes, she got all upset and yelled at me. She was nasty all day. I was too tired in the AM to be “constructive” in my remarks, and I am sick of watching what I have to say all the time. When she’s witchy, which is a lot, I can barely look at her without getting disgusted. Sad, but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+3 to the now buried rec to listen to the podcast Maintenance Mode. Also Christy Harrison’s Food Psych. I also recommend her book “Anti Diet” as OP seems to have some food fear/fat phobia. Address that first so you can help your daughter with out damaging your relationship.

I haven't listened to Maintenance Mode specifically but I do listen to other weight maintenance type podcasts. Sometimes they are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise insane landscape. Stuff that focuses on maintenance, not weight loss, is the right way to go.

Maintenance first. Don't even think about weight loss. Lean into how to support her emotionally.

OP, I would find it hard too. It's hard for heavy kids.

It’s called maintenance phase and it’s not about weight maintenance, it’s a in-depth critique of the weight loss industry, intentional weight loss, and fatphobia.

Interesting. Good to know. Then I probably wouldn't be a fan. I don't care much for the weight loss industry and don't promote it but education on how to stabilize where you are at now and do it in an emotionally sound and sustainable way is what I'm interested in. A critique of an obviously useless weight loss industry is a waste of time, IMO.

That is JUST the sort of thing you can know without ever listening to the freaking podcast. 100%. Sure.

[Anonymous]

OP, your child's health is on you.
How much worse will you feel when she is older, obese, diabetic and on multiple meds to manage her blood pressure?

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree you should have your daughter see an endo— especially if she has issues with her periods or cramps.

But I also think it’s really good just to focus on healthy home cooked food for the whole family, and not worry about the weight. My sister’s kids were overweight as teens (some more than others), but she never really focused on the weight. She’s a great cook and kind of a foodie so they pretty much always ate delicious home cooked meals with lots of whole grains and vegetables, grilled marinated meats, home made desserts for weekends, etc. Her kids are now adults and they are all great cooks with a strong preference for healthy home cooked meals. My personal view is that if you are eating healthy foods, your body will find its natural weight—for some people that might be bigger or smaller, but it will be the right weight for you. Eat real food, mostly plants, and then you don’t have to worry about quantity or demonizing any particular food group. And if she feels healthy she is more likely to want to be active. I think there’s a lot of research that junk food makes you feel sluggish and disinclined to be active.