How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

PP here. I want to add that knowing he has a disorder has helped me significantly. The first 15 years of marriage I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on with him. Knowing now that he has very black and white thinking, and that communication is extremely difficult for him allows me to give him grace.

Also, I read every page of this thread and it has been immensely helpful to me just knowing I’m not alone in this struggle.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

PP, are you on the autism spectrum yourself? What you are describing as "NT behavior" is bizarre.

My happily married NT friends have NT partners/husbands who have interests and friends, who make plans and participate in each other's lives. They do things together, and they do things separately, but at the same time, they are partners and they are the prime emotional support for each other. Yes they each have supportive friends, and colleagues and family members, but what I see they all have in common is mutual respect and interest in making each other happy.

I have an ASD partner who has no friends, has no interests (aside from work), who does almost nothing to do with child rearing, socializing, planning activities, holidays, etc. etc. etc. He is not a partner in the true sense of the word. It's exhausting for me to try to create a normal family life all by myself. If it were up to him, the children would be naked and starve to death, have no birthday parties, no vacations, probably not even a house to live in. All that and much much more is left to me. He puts all his energy into his job, and has none for me or our children. I'd like to have a husband, not a nice roommate who gives the kids rides and helps around then house when asked.

Sigh. What you're describing is something different from autism. I've said this a million times, but my likely ASD dad did almost all the housework, and almost 50% of the childrearing. His behavior was difficult in other ways, but nothing like what you describe. And, he had two long and apparently happy marriages.

The post I was responding to involved a woman miffed that her (supposedly) autistic inlaws did not enjoy her "fun little day trips" or converse in exactly the way she expected/demanded at dinner. THAT is where NTs get very rigid about their social norms. I know it's hard to grasp, but the very notion of people with autism acting "oddly" (ie differently than expected) IS at its heart a problem of NT people having trouble when others don't follow their rules. Now of course, we can say that people with autism ought to be able to learn how to play by the rules to the extent they can - and I think I agree with this - but there is a tremendous irony at the heart of characterizing autistic people as "rigid" and ignoring the rigidity of the NT world - and the utter cruelty it can show towards people who do not conform.

Stop ignoring the many posts that responded to YOUR rigidity and false claims. Instead you keep hammering on with your personal theories and don’t process others’ responses to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Also, don't think for a second that your husband doesn't know or feel on some level your animosity, anger, resentment, or lack of love for him. He does. He doesn't process it or communicate it the same way, but he is absolutely emotionally in tune with you and others, but just in a very different way. It's hard to describe, but I may even go as far as to say that he may understand you better and on a deeper level than anyone else can. It's just that he ignores all the other superficial details, and the words that you say, which are not always the truest reflection of your soul and deepest feelings.

…guess we’ll never ever know….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

Same here, all of it. He was diagnosed with the kids were in preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

If you can't change your expectations, you need to get a divorce

Exactly. I wonder if OP has ever for a second considered trying to connect with her DH based on his interests and preferences.

Lol. As if that matters to him or her. Talk about iPhones every night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

If you can't change your expectations, you need to get a divorce

Exactly. I wonder if OP has ever for a second considered trying to connect with her DH based on his interests and preferences.

Lol. As if that matters to him or her. Talk about iPhones every night?

This is OP.
I would connect if DH had any interests, but aside from work, he has none.

In response to an earlier PP, yes, it has been a relief of sorts to get my DH's diagnosis. Finally I have an explanation for his behavior. And I can stop wanting him to change, because he can't. I'm hoping coaching will help. We've done lots of couples therapy. I finally understand why it never worked. I hope the NT/ASD coaching will help. We'll see...

[Anonymous]

I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

My main takeaways are lower expectations, praise him when there’s opportunity, focus on the kids, and get my emotional need for connection met elsewhere. Would that be right?

[Anonymous]

That is what has more or less worked for many of us.

And divorce in this situation is not a panacea for loneliness either and the financial strain and stress on kids who may also have SN can be devastating.

We can only control ourselves.

It is possible to build a decent quality life but the emotional connection has to come from elsewhere. When I was trying to get it from my spouse and one child who are both on the spectrum, it was very difficult.

Not to be flip but pets can provide connection and comfort to everyone in the family as one suggestion. Building relationships with friends and acquaintances helped me a lot.

I had very distant parents, one of whom may also be on the spectrum. I had to learn to not keep recreating that pattern hoping for a different result. It was easier to reframe spouse/kids as team members with their own strengths and weaknesses. And up to me to get my needs met, not necessarily by one person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

My main takeaways are lower expectations, praise him when there’s opportunity, focus on the kids, and get my emotional need for connection met elsewhere. Would that be right?

Yep

[Anonymous]

One important thing is even if your spouse makes good money, to keep yourself working even it is part-time or keep your skills marketable. It can be overwhelming working and doing everything at home while dealing with ASD kids too. The resentment that builds holding everything together is a marriage killer. I don't see myself staying beyond the kids being grown. Even though it is really hard to juggle everything it gives me a sense of security that down the road I can take care of myself financially when the next step comes. I even have a separate account of my own that he doesn't know about (since I handle all bills/finances anyways) to hold money for the future like retainer fees, etc...Being prepared helps to ease a little bit of the stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found these responses so helpful. It makes me think my spouse may be on the spectrum. It would explain so much in our marriage. It’s very lonely, and I’ve had to set my expectations very low and get my emotional support outside the marriage. There’s no physical affection from my partner and never really has been, other than intimacy early on that I initiated. There’s almost no normal back and forth conversation. I talk and he listens. Then nothing. He will literally sit and watch tv or eat dinner silently with people or sit on his phone for hours. He’s very good at his job. But he has no outside interests. Very few friends - only a coworker or two. I stay for the stability while the kids are young. But it’s so lonely.

+1. This is very similar to my situation. I have just recently put the pieces together and feel saddened and relieved at the same time. I’m not sure how to bring it up with DH either. I envision him getting very defensive and shutting down per usual when I bring up challenging topics. Any advice on how pp’s who suspected their partners had ASD brought it up to them?

Just don't. Change your own ways. It won't work out and is not worth the hassle.

My main takeaways are lower expectations, praise him when there’s opportunity, focus on the kids, and get my emotional need for connection met elsewhere. Would that be right?

And hire help. Outsource as much as possible. Cleaning, landscaping, childcare, event and vacation planning…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

Same here, he’s diagnosed. Can’t ask much of him, he’ll temper tantrum.

We had a great AS/NT therapist on zoom; but he did none of the little baby step suggestions he agreed to do.

It ended with the Phd therapist recommending he do a year of DBT therapy and a 12 step anger mgmt course. He didn’t lift a finger on that. I found good DBT programs near his office even but know he’ll only show up the first few weeks then “get to busy and important with work and need to rest.”