I'm so tired of mom cliques

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

I get that you are giving me advice because I am the one posting this and not her. I didn't ask for advice, but okay. I have let the friendship go, as I said -- after she blew me off again, I didn't reach out again and we have not spoken since. It's been years.

I don't think the photos were a personal attack, but it's also kind of crazy to me that it wouldn't even cross her mind that posting them might come off as rude to me. Even though she wasn't reaching out to hang out in person with me anymore, we were still connected on Facebook and she was even regularly liking photos I posted and commenting on them. So while I wouldn't expect to be perfectly top of mind, it's just nuts that she wouldn't think "oh hey, my friend I'm fading on is going to see this on Facebook and this restaurant is literally two blocks from her house -- maybe it would be weird to post these photos, or maybe I should at a minimum not gush about how happy I am to see 'all my favorite people' in this town."

It's honestly just weird to me that you could be close to someone for a long time and not at least think that posting those pictures was unnecessarily hurtful. No one *needs* to see a dozen photos of your weekend, and no one really needs to post them. If posting them is going to make someone you at least recently cared about feel awful, and not posting them is just going to mean slightly fewer likes, it feels like the kinder choice is to not post.

I just can't imagine doing this. I really think I'd pause, remember that it might hurt someone, and just choose not to post those specific photos. It really did seem callous of her, whether it was an intentional insult or just her being really obtuse.

DP, who thinks your hurt response was entirely normal and human, and also that you handled the situation as best you could, from your initial follow up text to letting the friendship go. What else can you do? I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I think this thread is evidence that there are people who either don’t realize how hurtful this behavior can be or who do realize it and don’t care. Frankly, most people who post so much of their social lives online are incredibly self-absorbed, IME, which is a friendship deal-breaker. I was on FB for years; the women with whom I’m closest are, too, but to a one, post these kinds of pictures rarely, if ever. I got off FB for various reasons, and don’t miss it.

Social media can be used to connect people in ways that aren’t painful. Unfortunately, this kind of social competition is a big part of the reason it’s so popular and so hard to quit, I think.

+1, a fair summation of the thread and the issue.

Glad you've found people who share your values, PP.

Another fair summation of the thread is that some people feel unnecessarily threatened or targeted by things that just really aren't about them. Someone could get offended by literally anything you post. The solution isn't to stop posting but to not look at things that upset you on the internet. That's the only thing you can control. You can cry that whatever is rude and someone else can cry about the tackiness of your posts about food or how it's rude to flaunt your wealth in your posts. There have been tons of people here who are incredibly sanctimonious about their social media usage as though the things THEY post are the right things and no one should be mad about it, but christ. It's social-f'n-media. It's literally meant to be used the way people are using it. If you can't handle it, scroll on by instead of throwing a fit that Becky has fun drinking wine with friends and you wanted to do it too.

How self-absorbed does one have to be to see someone else’s post or photo and make it about you?

Slightly less self-absorbed than someone who feels the need to posts every single social gathering online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not the popular mom but I have a popular kid. We don’t live in the cool neighborhood but we live in the rich neighborhood. I host a lot of play dates. My kids have nice birthday parties.

I’m part of all the kid activities but I am not friends with any moms. We are friendly though.

I didn't write this but could have. I feel that the other moms are chronically judging (almost by middle school criteria). Whenever I meet someone from that clique for the first time, they always swing the conversation to where we live or some other "class marker" topic when I pass the test the conversation advances. I can't stand this behavior but put up with it. It sadly prevents real friendships with them. Kids are in fancy private school so sometimes I wonder if it's worse than public in this regard.[/quote]

Well, yes, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

I get that you are giving me advice because I am the one posting this and not her. I didn't ask for advice, but okay. I have let the friendship go, as I said -- after she blew me off again, I didn't reach out again and we have not spoken since. It's been years.

I don't think the photos were a personal attack, but it's also kind of crazy to me that it wouldn't even cross her mind that posting them might come off as rude to me. Even though she wasn't reaching out to hang out in person with me anymore, we were still connected on Facebook and she was even regularly liking photos I posted and commenting on them. So while I wouldn't expect to be perfectly top of mind, it's just nuts that she wouldn't think "oh hey, my friend I'm fading on is going to see this on Facebook and this restaurant is literally two blocks from her house -- maybe it would be weird to post these photos, or maybe I should at a minimum not gush about how happy I am to see 'all my favorite people' in this town."

It's honestly just weird to me that you could be close to someone for a long time and not at least think that posting those pictures was unnecessarily hurtful. No one *needs* to see a dozen photos of your weekend, and no one really needs to post them. If posting them is going to make someone you at least recently cared about feel awful, and not posting them is just going to mean slightly fewer likes, it feels like the kinder choice is to not post.

I just can't imagine doing this. I really think I'd pause, remember that it might hurt someone, and just choose not to post those specific photos. It really did seem callous of her, whether it was an intentional insult or just her being really obtuse.

DP, who thinks your hurt response was entirely normal and human, and also that you handled the situation as best you could, from your initial follow up text to letting the friendship go. What else can you do? I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I think this thread is evidence that there are people who either don’t realize how hurtful this behavior can be or who do realize it and don’t care. Frankly, most people who post so much of their social lives online are incredibly self-absorbed, IME, which is a friendship deal-breaker. I was on FB for years; the women with whom I’m closest are, too, but to a one, post these kinds of pictures rarely, if ever. I got off FB for various reasons, and don’t miss it.

Social media can be used to connect people in ways that aren’t painful. Unfortunately, this kind of social competition is a big part of the reason it’s so popular and so hard to quit, I think.

+1, a fair summation of the thread and the issue.

Glad you've found people who share your values, PP.

Another fair summation of the thread is that some people feel unnecessarily threatened or targeted by things that just really aren't about them. Someone could get offended by literally anything you post. The solution isn't to stop posting but to not look at things that upset you on the internet. That's the only thing you can control. You can cry that whatever is rude and someone else can cry about the tackiness of your posts about food or how it's rude to flaunt your wealth in your posts. There have been tons of people here who are incredibly sanctimonious about their social media usage as though the things THEY post are the right things and no one should be mad about it, but christ. It's social-f'n-media. It's literally meant to be used the way people are using it. If you can't handle it, scroll on by instead of throwing a fit that Becky has fun drinking wine with friends and you wanted to do it too.

You're right that the only way out is to make real friends not virtual ones on social media. If you don't like where it goes get off social media. Becky should be able to drink wine with her friends if she wants, but she should understand the consequences of her actions when she posts. Maybe people's feelings will be hurt. If she's polite she'll do it in a tactful way.

Oh Becky. How could she not have thought of Judy who’s stuck at home with her loser husband Chad before she posted those wine photos with friends? Time for Becky to face the consequences.

[Anonymous]

“It was fine when I was in the group, but now…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

I get that you are giving me advice because I am the one posting this and not her. I didn't ask for advice, but okay. I have let the friendship go, as I said -- after she blew me off again, I didn't reach out again and we have not spoken since. It's been years.

I don't think the photos were a personal attack, but it's also kind of crazy to me that it wouldn't even cross her mind that posting them might come off as rude to me. Even though she wasn't reaching out to hang out in person with me anymore, we were still connected on Facebook and she was even regularly liking photos I posted and commenting on them. So while I wouldn't expect to be perfectly top of mind, it's just nuts that she wouldn't think "oh hey, my friend I'm fading on is going to see this on Facebook and this restaurant is literally two blocks from her house -- maybe it would be weird to post these photos, or maybe I should at a minimum not gush about how happy I am to see 'all my favorite people' in this town."

It's honestly just weird to me that you could be close to someone for a long time and not at least think that posting those pictures was unnecessarily hurtful. No one *needs* to see a dozen photos of your weekend, and no one really needs to post them. If posting them is going to make someone you at least recently cared about feel awful, and not posting them is just going to mean slightly fewer likes, it feels like the kinder choice is to not post.

I just can't imagine doing this. I really think I'd pause, remember that it might hurt someone, and just choose not to post those specific photos. It really did seem callous of her, whether it was an intentional insult or just her being really obtuse.

DP, who thinks your hurt response was entirely normal and human, and also that you handled the situation as best you could, from your initial follow up text to letting the friendship go. What else can you do? I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I think this thread is evidence that there are people who either don’t realize how hurtful this behavior can be or who do realize it and don’t care. Frankly, most people who post so much of their social lives online are incredibly self-absorbed, IME, which is a friendship deal-breaker. I was on FB for years; the women with whom I’m closest are, too, but to a one, post these kinds of pictures rarely, if ever. I got off FB for various reasons, and don’t miss it.

Social media can be used to connect people in ways that aren’t painful. Unfortunately, this kind of social competition is a big part of the reason it’s so popular and so hard to quit, I think.

+1, a fair summation of the thread and the issue.

Glad you've found people who share your values, PP.

Another fair summation of the thread is that some people feel unnecessarily threatened or targeted by things that just really aren't about them. Someone could get offended by literally anything you post. The solution isn't to stop posting but to not look at things that upset you on the internet. That's the only thing you can control. You can cry that whatever is rude and someone else can cry about the tackiness of your posts about food or how it's rude to flaunt your wealth in your posts. There have been tons of people here who are incredibly sanctimonious about their social media usage as though the things THEY post are the right things and no one should be mad about it, but christ. It's social-f'n-media. It's literally meant to be used the way people are using it. If you can't handle it, scroll on by instead of throwing a fit that Becky has fun drinking wine with friends and you wanted to do it too.

I’m the PP who was being quoted, and, again, you’re misrepresenting the issue. This thread is actually about a very specific, discrete behavior in which some women engage, and which more than a few women find insensitive. Pretending that it’s about “literally anything you post” is disingenuous.

You’re right that social media companies want people to use their platforms as social currency. Therein lies the problem. Your crack about people who “can’t handle it” reflects poorly on you, not on people who don’t like being excluded.

Learn to read. I said all posts could be offensive to someone. There are people here who literally were like "well I don't post THOSE types of photos. Instead here's what I post..." as though they were better or the objectively right things to post. The women who find other people's posts offensive and keep looking at them are just hurting themselves. Completely fragile. I mean, we have multiple people here who see other people's posts and literally think the posts were meant to hurt them, specifically. People were frothing to the level of calling people "whores" or "unhinged" for posting photos of social events they weren't invited to. That's a level of feeling persecuted and self-victimization that's pathological.

Ok, you’re my friend IRL

I’m going to have a huge ladies night out with 15 people in my backyard and deck. I’m going to post it. Hope you’re happy for me! You are not invited, still hope you are happy I had a good time.

I will do it next week and the week after.

I will talk to you and be friends with you.

But you’ll never come to my party and I will post it weekly.

Honestly, I wouldn’t care and likely wouldn’t even take notice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

I get that you are giving me advice because I am the one posting this and not her. I didn't ask for advice, but okay. I have let the friendship go, as I said -- after she blew me off again, I didn't reach out again and we have not spoken since. It's been years.

I don't think the photos were a personal attack, but it's also kind of crazy to me that it wouldn't even cross her mind that posting them might come off as rude to me. Even though she wasn't reaching out to hang out in person with me anymore, we were still connected on Facebook and she was even regularly liking photos I posted and commenting on them. So while I wouldn't expect to be perfectly top of mind, it's just nuts that she wouldn't think "oh hey, my friend I'm fading on is going to see this on Facebook and this restaurant is literally two blocks from her house -- maybe it would be weird to post these photos, or maybe I should at a minimum not gush about how happy I am to see 'all my favorite people' in this town."

It's honestly just weird to me that you could be close to someone for a long time and not at least think that posting those pictures was unnecessarily hurtful. No one *needs* to see a dozen photos of your weekend, and no one really needs to post them. If posting them is going to make someone you at least recently cared about feel awful, and not posting them is just going to mean slightly fewer likes, it feels like the kinder choice is to not post.

I just can't imagine doing this. I really think I'd pause, remember that it might hurt someone, and just choose not to post those specific photos. It really did seem callous of her, whether it was an intentional insult or just her being really obtuse.

DP, who thinks your hurt response was entirely normal and human, and also that you handled the situation as best you could, from your initial follow up text to letting the friendship go. What else can you do? I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I think this thread is evidence that there are people who either don’t realize how hurtful this behavior can be or who do realize it and don’t care. Frankly, most people who post so much of their social lives online are incredibly self-absorbed, IME, which is a friendship deal-breaker. I was on FB for years; the women with whom I’m closest are, too, but to a one, post these kinds of pictures rarely, if ever. I got off FB for various reasons, and don’t miss it.

Social media can be used to connect people in ways that aren’t painful. Unfortunately, this kind of social competition is a big part of the reason it’s so popular and so hard to quit, I think.

+1, a fair summation of the thread and the issue.

Glad you've found people who share your values, PP.

Another fair summation of the thread is that some people feel unnecessarily threatened or targeted by things that just really aren't about them. Someone could get offended by literally anything you post. The solution isn't to stop posting but to not look at things that upset you on the internet. That's the only thing you can control. You can cry that whatever is rude and someone else can cry about the tackiness of your posts about food or how it's rude to flaunt your wealth in your posts. There have been tons of people here who are incredibly sanctimonious about their social media usage as though the things THEY post are the right things and no one should be mad about it, but christ. It's social-f'n-media. It's literally meant to be used the way people are using it. If you can't handle it, scroll on by instead of throwing a fit that Becky has fun drinking wine with friends and you wanted to do it too.

You're right that the only way out is to make real friends not virtual ones on social media. If you don't like where it goes get off social media. Becky should be able to drink wine with her friends if she wants, but she should understand the consequences of her actions when she posts. Maybe people's feelings will be hurt. If she's polite she'll do it in a tactful way.

Oh Becky. How could she not have thought of Judy who’s stuck at home with her loser husband Chad before she posted those wine photos with friends? Time for Becky to face the consequences.

DP. You’re thinking way too specific. A better way to approach (and what got me to stop posting altogether) is to pause before you upload a pic and think—really think—“who am I posting this for?”

[Anonymous]

People post to show they are popular.
The end.

[Anonymous]

“I’m on social media.

Social media makes me sad.

How can I change other people’s behavior on social media?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I’m on social media.

Social media makes me sad.

How can I change other people’s behavior on social media?”

Unfortunately, social media is making enough people sad (or irrationally angry) that it’s having profound and lasting effects on society in general. It’s not a bad thing to encourage people to be a little more reflective about how they use it in their lives/what purpose it fulfills for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People post to show they are popular.
The end.

+1, it's a way to take the culture of middle school and high school, where everyone knows what their peers are up to all the time, and extend it indefinitely into adulthood. That's why some people love it (they are getting validation like a prom queen and it feels good) and some people hate it (they are invisible or worse, ridiculed). It's no different than how some people love high school and some don't, and so much depends on how popular you are.

There are also a not-insignificant number of people on social media who were unpopular in school and use the culture of Facebook as a kind of re-do. I've had a few friends and acquaintances like this. They were awkward and lonely in high school, but in their 20s and 30s they figure out how to look better and how to use social media to really boost their image. Part of the allure for someone like this is that they are trying to undo the damage of feeling unpopular all those years ago.

But people who like social media tend to be people who have stuff to brag about, because it gives them a venue to do so. Whether you think that's good or bad probably depends a bit on where you are at in your own life. I think it's unsurprising that a lot of moms with young kids are burning out on it because I think it's a uniquely vulnerable time for a lot of women -- dealing with weight gain and loss of sleep and freedom, trying to figure out who you are in this new role of mother, wanting to make new friends who can relate to you as a mom, but also trying to juggle stuff like work or the loneliness of being a SAHM. New motherhood is basically a second adolescence for a lot of women (I've actually heard it called matrescence or the period of maturing into motherhood). It's often even a time with acne flare ups and unpredictable periods, just like adolescence. It's no wonder many women in this stage find social media triggering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“I’m on social media.

Social media makes me sad.

How can I change other people’s behavior on social media?”

Unfortunately, social media is making enough people sad (or irrationally angry) that it’s having profound and lasting effects on society in general. It’s not a bad thing to encourage people to be a little more reflective about how they use it in their lives/what purpose it fulfills for them.

+1

The argument that social media is working really well and we shouldn't change anything about it just doesn't hold water. We are having a reckoning with how to use these platforms in ways that actually augment people's lives instead of damaging their mental health. That means arguing over the rules of what you post or don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People post to show they are popular.
The end.

Perhaps. People post for a lot of reasons. But WHY they post pictures doesn’t matter. If what someone else posts makes you feel bad about yourself don’t read/follow. That isn’t the posters problem to solve

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“I’m on social media.

Social media makes me sad.

How can I change other people’s behavior on social media?”

Unfortunately, social media is making enough people sad (or irrationally angry) that it’s having profound and lasting effects on society in general. It’s not a bad thing to encourage people to be a little more reflective about how they use it in their lives/what purpose it fulfills for them.

Or maybe you don’t need to be “friends” with people you actually see on a regular basis. Why do you need to read up on their daily happenings? I keep my friends list to the people I don’t see regularly and can’t connect with personally bc of distance, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

I get that you are giving me advice because I am the one posting this and not her. I didn't ask for advice, but okay. I have let the friendship go, as I said -- after she blew me off again, I didn't reach out again and we have not spoken since. It's been years.

I don't think the photos were a personal attack, but it's also kind of crazy to me that it wouldn't even cross her mind that posting them might come off as rude to me. Even though she wasn't reaching out to hang out in person with me anymore, we were still connected on Facebook and she was even regularly liking photos I posted and commenting on them. So while I wouldn't expect to be perfectly top of mind, it's just nuts that she wouldn't think "oh hey, my friend I'm fading on is going to see this on Facebook and this restaurant is literally two blocks from her house -- maybe it would be weird to post these photos, or maybe I should at a minimum not gush about how happy I am to see 'all my favorite people' in this town."

It's honestly just weird to me that you could be close to someone for a long time and not at least think that posting those pictures was unnecessarily hurtful. No one *needs* to see a dozen photos of your weekend, and no one really needs to post them. If posting them is going to make someone you at least recently cared about feel awful, and not posting them is just going to mean slightly fewer likes, it feels like the kinder choice is to not post.

I just can't imagine doing this. I really think I'd pause, remember that it might hurt someone, and just choose not to post those specific photos. It really did seem callous of her, whether it was an intentional insult or just her being really obtuse.

DP, who thinks your hurt response was entirely normal and human, and also that you handled the situation as best you could, from your initial follow up text to letting the friendship go. What else can you do? I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I think this thread is evidence that there are people who either don’t realize how hurtful this behavior can be or who do realize it and don’t care. Frankly, most people who post so much of their social lives online are incredibly self-absorbed, IME, which is a friendship deal-breaker. I was on FB for years; the women with whom I’m closest are, too, but to a one, post these kinds of pictures rarely, if ever. I got off FB for various reasons, and don’t miss it.

Social media can be used to connect people in ways that aren’t painful. Unfortunately, this kind of social competition is a big part of the reason it’s so popular and so hard to quit, I think.

+1, a fair summation of the thread and the issue.

Glad you've found people who share your values, PP.

Another fair summation of the thread is that some people feel unnecessarily threatened or targeted by things that just really aren't about them. Someone could get offended by literally anything you post. The solution isn't to stop posting but to not look at things that upset you on the internet. That's the only thing you can control. You can cry that whatever is rude and someone else can cry about the tackiness of your posts about food or how it's rude to flaunt your wealth in your posts. There have been tons of people here who are incredibly sanctimonious about their social media usage as though the things THEY post are the right things and no one should be mad about it, but christ. It's social-f'n-media. It's literally meant to be used the way people are using it. If you can't handle it, scroll on by instead of throwing a fit that Becky has fun drinking wine with friends and you wanted to do it too.

I’m the PP who was being quoted, and, again, you’re misrepresenting the issue. This thread is actually about a very specific, discrete behavior in which some women engage, and which more than a few women find insensitive. Pretending that it’s about “literally anything you post” is disingenuous.

You’re right that social media companies want people to use their platforms as social currency. Therein lies the problem. Your crack about people who “can’t handle it” reflects poorly on you, not on people who don’t like being excluded.

Learn to read. I said all posts could be offensive to someone. There are people here who literally were like "well I don't post THOSE types of photos. Instead here's what I post..." as though they were better or the objectively right things to post. The women who find other people's posts offensive and keep looking at them are just hurting themselves. Completely fragile. I mean, we have multiple people here who see other people's posts and literally think the posts were meant to hurt them, specifically. People were frothing to the level of calling people "whores" or "unhinged" for posting photos of social events they weren't invited to. That's a level of feeling persecuted and self-victimization that's pathological.

Ok, you’re my friend IRL

I’m going to have a huge ladies night out with 15 people in my backyard and deck. I’m going to post it. Hope you’re happy for me! You are not invited, still hope you are happy I had a good time.

I will do it next week and the week after.

I will talk to you and be friends with you.

But you’ll never come to my party and I will post it weekly.

The solution is that I decide we aren’t good friends and I unfollow you, instead of being all whiny about it. That’s the only part of this I have control over.

[Anonymous]

God, Becky, don’t you know to only post the things I want to see? My social media use is the RIGHT social media use! Everyone wants to see my beautiful food art, not your gross friends.