When is it time to tell your child to make it on their own

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 19 years old and went to college for the first time. Her grades are horrible. She takes many things for granted and when she is on break all she wants to do is sit in her room ( does not associate with many family members because when they come over she sits and text the whole time people are visiting), hang with friends and eat all the food. When I was young my parent paid for me to stay on campus my first year and the next year I myself found and apartment and worked to pay my living expenses. I try not to think of how mature I was but it is frustrating.

I am to the point of letting her know that she is going to be doing the same thing. I think she may understand what life is about and I am not wasting my money another year. I will help pay for her classes but she will pay for her living expense and food. I will give her until august to find a place? She does not drive because she did not want help from her dad and failed the test.Do you think I am being to harsh?

[Anonymous]

Yes, a little harsh.

Housing is more expensive now.

Maybe tie her second semester grades to her living expenses you will give her soph year?

Why do you bring up a car? Students shouldn't need cars.

[Anonymous]

Define " horrible" grades.

What were her grades in HS.

What is positive, your post is very negative and lacking facts.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to let this girl grow up. She's "entitled" because you've handed her too much for too long.

Why do you think she wants to go to college?

[Anonymous]

You are proposing one end of the spectrum while it sounds like her day to day is on another.

What about meeting in the middle?

What about tieing reimbursement of college tuition to Bs or higher?

Sounds like she needs some more incentives. And a part time job to pay for her discretionary items.

[Anonymous]

She needs to get a summer job to pay for at least 50% of her expenses. OP, is she taking out loans, or are you funding her party lifestyle?

[Anonymous]

The first year of college is very hard. Don't make decisions based on that alone.

[Anonymous]

Many children mess up their first semester of college. Is she invested in her grades/performance at all?

[Anonymous]

Sounds pretty extreme OP. I'm a pretty recent grad, and there's no way I could have made enough to make a dent in my housing/food expenses. I did however pay for all my extra expenses by myself, so that's probably a good place to start. If DDs grades are already not great, the added stress of having to work to eat and live is not going to help that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first year of college is very hard. Don't make decisions based on that alone.

OP can see the overall picture very clearly.

[Anonymous]

Was she always like this? If not, the new antisocial behavior could be a sign of depression.

Housing and food are FAR more expensive now, so I wouldn't go while hog making her pay for everything. Does she work in the summers? Does she contribute anything to college? Pay for books? Half the meal plan? Something like that? If not, you could impose that for next year.

I'd not allow texting when you have company over or at dinner, or whatever your rules are. Who's paying for that phone, by the way? It hanging with friends on winter break seems pretty normal to me.

[Anonymous]

I am far from harsh. In high school she had no drive or really cared about socializing accept with a few friends. She liked cheer so I do not make a lot but I put her in allstars cheer for four years which was very expensive. Her grades have never been great. Each year in talking to the teacher she just does not put the effort not because she does not know.

I have even pushed to get her a 504 plan. We talk often about life being hard but she has no motivation. I send her in the summer with one of her older favorite cousin and grandmother but they put her back on a plane and said she will not be disrespectful and they do not have to put up with it. She has not been given everything. She cares about how she looks, makeup, boyfriend and that is it. When her father passed she was 18 the lawyer told me that the money that was left to her had to go to her due to age. She has went through it all.

She had one job she did not want to do it because she wanted to cheer, another job she got she worked a week then went on vacation for three when she came back they fired her. She has not worked, She had 15 credits she got an A in freshman seminar the rest she failed. She is on the cheer team at college and I told her she needs a job I cannot afford it. Many of her friends do not fool with her I do not know why she says it is them.

I and my father have offered to pay for a car for her if she could maintain her grades for the first year. As far as college she had no choice I pushed her to take her SAT and apply for school. I ran her back and forth to get in and contacted someone I know to get her in. I have called about financial aid she could care less. I understand college is very hard, however, partying, not going to class, having fun cheering while I work two jobs and often times go without paying bills is to me a little not grateful. I pay for the phone and try to keep it on since she is not here.

I do not mind her hanging with friends for the winter break but I do expect her to do something around the house like wash a dish, clean up after yourself or spend time with your little sister who thinks the world of her and she ignores her. Not much but something I believe at 19 she be automatic if I have been preaching for years.

I do not want to be negative but actually I am a tired parent. So for the ones judging sometimes parents need to vent and are at wits end. For the ones with helpful tips and comments. Thx. If she has not gotten it by now paying another three years for a child that may have the same behavior is not fair. When and how do you draw the line.

[Anonymous]

Yes too harsh. She's only 19.

[Anonymous]

OP, based on what you have said, she doesn't sound motivated for college, and many aren't. You might be throwing money away. That would make me sad, but sometimes that's just how it is.

Is there any other training she might like? Another profession that doesn't need college? I'd offer to pay for that. There are lots of programs to choose at community colleges.

I'd sit her down and have a serious conversation, though, about how hard it is to be successful in life without additional education of some sort. People with only high school make very little, relatively speaking, have higher unemployment rates and, work jobs that are less conducive to family life (I.e., less likely to be 8-5 type jobs, with benefits and leave).

if she's not in school working toward higher education or certification, then I'd tell her she will have to start paying rent, since she's an adult. You can secretly bank the rent and give it back to her later if you think that's a good idea. I know a lot of parents who did that and then surprised their kids with money for a down payment on a house.

And I'd lay down some base rules in the house. Just for family peace. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would not say harsh to this parent at times children do need some tough love. Maybe the child does not understand what life is because she is taking things for granted. I have two daughters and a son, one who was a hard worker and paid many of her expenses through school although I offered. She knew she had other siblings and she had to help out. I also had another daughter who was almost like her child. I ended having her come out of a four year college and go to community college until she could get it together. Why pay $20,000 when you can pay $5,000.00. She had the option of staying home and paying for room and board or finding a roommate. I must say although she struggled she is a better person now. Maybe she does need a reality check. Seems to me she has been given chances.