When is it time to tell your child to make it on their own

[Anonymous]

Hey I am a parent who believes a child should work for what they get. If it was my child I would let her know this spring semester you are going to work. I will give her until the end February to find a job. She will be paying for her expenses (food, partying or whatever) and her cell phone. Then I would let her know if she does not have at least a 2.5 by the summer. Next year it is community college. I would have thought that the cheer team would have kicked her off since she does not have the grades to stay on the team. She is almost 20, really.

[Anonymous]

If she is failing, won't the school kick her out?

[Anonymous]

^ Agree. The university decides if her grades are good enough. That should be part of "growing-up" and Mom keeping out-of-it.

[Anonymous]

Yes I called up there on Thursday and Friday trying to find out why we did not get the aid we accepted however, my child did not return to the counselor like she was supposed to so they declined the aid from the state. The were going to give us $4,000.00 but she did not go back and sign a promissory note. When I asked why she did not do it she said I forgot. The counselor said they even sent a text to the phone.

This is when I found out about the grades she asked me did I know about her grades. She passed one (freshman seminar), withdrew from one and failed the others. I have asked her about the grades and if she need help ask. She was telling me how great she did on her test and I believed her like a fool.

[Anonymous]

Depression, anxiety and ADD - your DD has them all and has had them for years.

Cutting her lose next year to fail on her own is just another fail on your part. Your first fair was knowing something was wrong and choosing to not do anything.

Lastly, you weren't "mature" as a college sophomore and you were making decisions and choices with no adult guidance. That you can't look back now and see that and realize how much farther you would have gone with the support of loving adults speaks volumes about your emotional maturity.

[Anonymous]

I agree the university throwing her out of the school will be a wake up call. But so is $15,000.00. It is life I guess. Just tired and finally feel what my friends have been telling me. " Take care of you and treat yourself, do not kill yourself for someone who does not return the favor to you, but she is mine I tell them.

[Anonymous]

Did I read correctly in your second post that her dad died when she was 18? So, a year ago? Has she received any counseling at school? Does she talk about it?

My DH's dad died when he was 18 and a freshman in college and it affected his college grades terribly. No one told him it was OK to take time off, grieve, etc. No one talked it much at all with him. He recovered and went on to do well later in school, but please don't underestimate the effect this all may be having on her.

[Anonymous]

As far as the ADD, anxiety and Depression I have taken her to the doctor for all. From the time she hit sixth grade. The doctor and the teachers have said she does not have it. Depression the we tried counselors thinking she needed support. Three therapist said she is smart, sweet and manipulating. She told them she sees dead people. Anxiety no. And was retested in high school. I have tried it all.

We spend a lot of time at the hospital she was born with a blood disease. I have so many medical bills but who cares. The doctor told her due to her condition no piercings, tattoos or drinking. She has it and does it all. She is on my insurance and she keeps going back and forth for not taking care of herself and they keep charging me.

[Anonymous]

Yes she has received counseling for her dad. However, me and dad are not together we separated in 6th grade fighting over her. Me doing all I can for her and him saying she is playing you. She does and has not interacted with her dad since sixth grade. He has been active in her life coming to plays, cheerleading, all events but she ignored him. That did not stop him from being there. She has had many male figures my father who is next door and uncles.

[Anonymous]

If she failed all her classes but one her first semester, pull her out for second semester and send her to community college. Then require her to come up with her own spending money. You pay tuition, everything else is on her.

If she gets herself on track you can fully fund her education after she earns an associates degree and if she takes school seriously enough to transfer back to a four year college.

No reason to throw good money away on school if she doesn't want to invest anything back into the "school" part of school. You can have her hang out and text her friends for much cheaper at home than at an expensive 4 year college program.

[Anonymous]

I am confused. Your daughter has never had a job? She needs to make her own money. Maybe that will improve her mood.

Have her work over the summer to pay for extras.

[Anonymous]

Overall it sounds Op like a mess.

She has been able to manipulate you since she was young. Her intentions likely back then weren't 'bad' - they were just to get her needs met in a conflict filled family yet that way of getting her needs met became a pattern. She has no motivation and doesn't seem invested or engaged in anything but cheer. It doesn't sound like she has had a lot of responsibility and had to deal with the natural consequences of that. It also doesn't really sound like college is a good fit right now. It might be an idea to have her leave college and work for a year. Get her on her feet as an adult - making money and understanding the responsibility that comes with a job and with paying your own bills. It might help her see why getting a degree could benefit her and maybe the year would give her more maturity to figure out what she might be interested in.

I would absolutely not keep doing what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Thanks guys I really agree with going the community college route. Having her begin to pay for her phone and things she needs. She needs the deadline for the job by February. I have already paid for spring so she will go back. If her grades do not skyrocket she will be at community college. She must work over the summer it is not an option and pay rent the summer. Based on you guys suggestion do not put her out completely but she is going to begin to pay for what she has. I really appreciate you guys listening and supporting me. I do not have a lot of people I can talk to in fear for being judged. But I am tired and I have a six year old who needs me and I cannot keep slighting her from gymnastics and fun stuff to support her sister. I must say when I tell the six year old I cannot afford her gymnastics class she says it is okay mommy I know my sister has to go to school and she needs you more. How can a six year old understand but not a 19 year old. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Also taking a year off can be an option I plan to talk to her.

[Anonymous]

When they turn 35 - I kick them out of my house.

Unless they want to stay in my basement. Otherwise, I kick them out.