When is it time to tell your child to make it on their own
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Anonymous
What is the refund policy for the school? Even if you are penalized a great amount, you will still come out ahead than if you send her back and pay for her to fail. I still don't understand how they are allowing her to come back based on her grades. I know you said that you already paid for the semester, but have they even allowed her to register? I think that by withdrawing from or failing all of her classes but one, she already self-selected for second semester. I would call the school and see if she actually still a student there. |
Anonymous
| Thanks I will do this on Monday. I did not think of this! |
Anonymous
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Agree with others: she should not be allowed to go back next semester. She even blew off getting $4000 in aid? No way, no how. Take the tuition refund even with penalty. That will pay for ALl her tuition at community college for the next two years, and more.
Does she have any sort of savings, like money from her father's estate? If so, I'd tell her she has to pay the tuition for community college herself but that you will pay her back if she gets at least C's in all classes. I'd tell her you will pay tuition only for community college this semester, but that she must pay all of her other expenses. She must contribute X for rent as well for living at home. If she doesn't have the money upfront, I would also make her agree to pay you back her tuition money if she does not pass a class. If she doesn't go to school, I'd let her live at home only if she was paying rent and saving toward a goal. If have to see or be a co-account holder on the savibgs |
Anonymous
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OP,
Your daughter needs help not punishment. She can take medical leave for a year, work, go to therapy WITH and without you regarding her father. Get her healthy first, school can wait. |
Anonymous
Irresponsible behavior is not a medical issue. |
Anonymous
I disagree. It can be a symptom of various mental health problems, which are medical issues. |
Anonymous
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My advice is to try to get your child to try to figure out why she is ditzy. And she is ditzy. Is she depressed? ADD? or drugs/Alcohol?
It is clear that youpushed her to college. Maybe a year of cleaning McDonald's will get her to realize the value of education. |
Anonymous
| Doesn't she work? If not, why? |
Anonymous
But the daughter has ALWAYS been like this. It wasn't a sudden change. |
Anonymous
| She does not work because it seems as though she has an excuse why she is not working. First job she said because she is cheering she could not work for them, second job she started and told me they said she can go on vacation to see her aunt. She went for three weeks when she got back they fired her and the manager said that was a lie he did not tell her that. Last week she interviewed at Wendys said she saw a roach and got scared and cannot work there. I told her if she does not work by February this time her phone is cut off and she has no spending money. Maybe this will force her to work. It is always an excuse. I even got her the interview for the diner but he said he cannot work with someone who is irresponsible. The lady who used to do my hair said she would let her shampoo and she did but said my child was lazy and she did not want to lose customers. |
Anonymous
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Hey I believe you should give her next semester. She is allowed 1 C and the rest of the grades all A's and B's. If she cannot deliver then that is it for her. She can chose to work or community college next year. I Say let choose either stay at your house and pay or let her try to find a roommate, boyfriend or a place because she will not want to obey your rules if she is getting older, been to college and you have a six year old. The six year old does not need to see this behavior at all. Do not make it a cycle.
I had a daughter who was like this and let me tell you the reason for her behavior, a boy. I feel when you think you are grown then you should take care of yourself. Call me harsh but reality needs to be presented to her. I agree all kids who act up are not medical it is irresponsible behavior. She has been evaluated. |
Anonymous
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19 is plenty old enough to face consequences. It's definitely time to turn the money spigot to "off." Figure out what you want her to do and reward it. If she doesn't step up (she won't, for sure, at first), then you have to cut her off. She's going to scream and cry and call you all sorts of terrible names. You will have to stay strong no matter what she says or does.
Are you prepared to withstand it? Do you have someone you can rely on for support? Maybe a friend you ask ask to help you with your backbone when your daughter flips out? |
Anonymous
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Tell her you cannot afford it and won't be paying for spring semester to go back to college. Tell her that if she independently enrolled in community college, you will pay that. Tell her that you will not pay for her phone or for any extras starting in February. Say it calmly. Then walk away. Mean it. Do not negotiate. Then honor your words. If you don't honor yourself, she will not honor you.
From now on, consider yourself her advisor, not her caretaker. If she needs advise on how to do something herself, advise and encourage her. Do not do it for her. If she says she needs your money or help, tell her you believe in her, and will give her your best advise. |
Anonymous
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I think she needs clear rules.
You will only pay for a,b,c report cards. So if she gets lower you don't pay the next semester. Don't pay her phone bill. You will pay for room and board if her grades are good if not she can move home. Don't give her any spending money. Offer to pay for a good therapist. One that specializes in divorce, when her issues seem to have started. I had a child that was manipulative but isn't any more thanks to great CBT. There was an underlying issue. I would create a "reward system" when you think she is doing th right thing Like mail her a chipotle gift card and just say I am proud of you for trying.. But don't say it is specifically linked to anything. She will freak out but just take the 6 year old out and let her stew. |
Anonymous
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OP - I am sorry that your daughter did not make wiser use of the funds left directly to her by her Dad, AND that should be a "wake up" call for all to look at their wills and weather or not you really want to leave a large chunk of assets to even a young adult child who is not mature enough on how to use it without some outside monitoring advice as through a trust arrangement. From all that you relate, your daughter has given little reason to expect that her decision-making will change without a reality check on where her life is going and a less expensive way to explore it. - For her - why encourage her to go back to an expensive college setting away from home where she is obviously not making the academic grade and not making the best of independent living decisions. She will only dig herself a deeper hole to climb out of in terms of lower GPA and record of failure, and have a fun time doing so partying with her friends and only feel more entitled. - For you - why would you want to sink further into debt or spend the hard earned money that you are working so hard to earn from two jobs and really would be doing her no favor. It is time for you to put yourself and your needs AT LEAST ON EQUAL FOOTING WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'S and to clearly explain the realities of life in terms of our working and what and when you will be willing to help her out. - For both of you, it is time to set some "House Ground Rules." You would be coming "midway" in offering her a place to live and meals at no cost for a period of time as long as she participates regularly in household tasks. You could give her the option of paying for one or two classes at a local community college of her choosing if that was her choice to continue in school part-time and find a part-time job. If a break from school was best for her, then she should find a full-time job or two part-time jobs if school is out at this time. For a certain period, she could learn to pay for all other expenses and when you choose as appropriate to start paying you "rent" or to give you a certain amount to save for her earmarked for a future car purchase. (If you are able to do so, this you might bank for her future use in moving on her own either in a work or school setting, but no need to tell her.) And by a second part-time job, I do mean even sitting as up in that area they do very well. The point is that your daughter has made some bad decisions - and expensive ones for you - with little accountability for her. This scenario needs to change in a way that will give her the flexibility to see what she wants to do which may take some time, but some ground rules for daily living at home. Also, I might recommend a full-physical for her with a mental health screening because for many reasons she may be dealing with some mental health issues like depression which often crop up in late teens/early 20s. Of this, I do know what I am saying. Helping to rule this aspect out will also enable you to take a firmer line with one who has been "used to the cash machine." If she continues to be only a taker, then firmer deadlines on what you are willing to offer may have to be put forth. On a positive note, if she takes some forward steps and puts forth the effort, then you might also be willing to pay for a driver education class. Remember you are her Mother and not her friend, and the best you can do for her is to help her regain her footing and move forward with reasonable expectations which safeguard your well-being as well as hers. And do not forget you have a younger daughter "watching." - |