Bystnader to an abusive relationship

[Anonymous]

How do you support a sibling who has an abusive spouse?

My brother's wife is very emotionally and verbally abusive. She has a major anger management problem and takes her wrath out on my brother. She is very controlling and demeaning, and says truly terrible things to him. My brother has become a shell of who he was and basically his spirit is broken. He always wants us to do things that will make her happy so that she won't explode - basically to placate her and give her what she wants to keep her happy. Whenever we suggest he stand up for himself or do something for himself or meet his own needs - he just tells us that we don't understand and that doing any of that will just make his life worse. we don't really talk about it much anymore but he looked awful when we saw him this holiday. His wife can be an absolutely charming person and only directs her anger at him. They have young kids and he now really wants to keep her happy to protect the kids from her anger so he puts all his energy into anticipating her needs/wants so she doesn't get upset. It is really pathetic to watch, and embarrassing for him but better than the alternative.

Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I have no suggestions but am sorry this is going on.

[Anonymous]

I would keep suggesting couples counseling or individual counseling. Also just let him know you are there for him. The decision to leave has to come from him and it is unlikely you will convince him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would keep suggesting couples counseling or individual counseling. Also just let him know you are there for him. The decision to leave has to come from him and it is unlikely you will convince him.

Agree. Make him understand that if he leaves that you can watch the kids, stay at your house etc or whatever you can offer. People with broken spirits have no self confidence. Be gentle in your thoughts. He will have to hit bottom before he makes a move.

[Anonymous]

Horrible situation, OP, but he is lucky to have you in his corner. Stay involved with him and his kids as much as you can. These kinds of dynamics can shift rapidly, especially as the kids get older, and he wake up before its too late to do emotional harm to his children.

[Anonymous]

How do you know this is the case? Do you socialize with SIL at all?

Or are you only hearing your brother's side?

It takes two to tango.

How old are the kids, btw?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this is the case? Do you socialize with SIL at all?

Or are you only hearing your brother's side?

It takes two to tango.

How old are the kids, btw?

NP here. I agree that we're only hearing one side, but if the genders were reversed, it would draw more alarm. I do think this is abusive, and certainly not healthy behavior.

Also, "it takes two to tango" is a classic abuser line. It's fair to assume we're only getting one side, but those kinds of excuses help no one. You can be sure that if OP's post were about a sister and controlling/manipulative BIL, that you such a line would be total victim blaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this is the case? Do you socialize with SIL at all?

Or are you only hearing your brother's side?

It takes two to tango.

How old are the kids, btw?

NP here. I agree that we're only hearing one side, but if the genders were reversed, it would draw more alarm. I do think this is abusive, and certainly not healthy behavior.

Also, "it takes two to tango" is a classic abuser line. It's fair to assume we're only getting one side, but those kinds of excuses help no one. You can be sure that if OP's post were about a sister and controlling/manipulative BIL, that you such a line would be total victim blaming.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this is the case? Do you socialize with SIL at all?

Or are you only hearing your brother's side?

It takes two to tango.

How old are the kids, btw?

NP here. I agree that we're only hearing one side, but if the genders were reversed, it would draw more alarm. I do think this is abusive, and certainly not healthy behavior.

Also, "it takes two to tango" is a classic abuser line. It's fair to assume we're only getting one side, but those kinds of excuses help no one. You can be sure that if OP's post were about a sister and controlling/manipulative BIL, that you such a line would be total victim blaming.

I'm not blaming the victim necessarily. But to be honest, if the husband/brother is miserable, there's no sense in staying in the marriage. So yes, I do blame him for being spineless. The kids will suffer more in this situation knowing that both parents are not happy. So he's not doing his kids any favors.

And what if the OP and her other siblings (are there others?) are simply overprotective? I've seen that, too - siblings interfering too much.

Again, we only have one side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this is the case? Do you socialize with SIL at all?

Or are you only hearing your brother's side?

It takes two to tango.

How old are the kids, btw?

NP here. I agree that we're only hearing one side, but if the genders were reversed, it would draw more alarm. I do think this is abusive, and certainly not healthy behavior.

Also, "it takes two to tango" is a classic abuser line. It's fair to assume we're only getting one side, but those kinds of excuses help no one. You can be sure that if OP's post were about a sister and controlling/manipulative BIL, that you such a line would be total victim blaming.

+1

+2

OP, until he's ready to leave. all you can do is be there for him. Let him know that you're there for whatever he needs. Try to be supportive without judging or pushing him to leave. It'll just push him away from you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your exact post about my brother and SIL. My SIL's controlling behavior has begun to spill over into his relationship with me and our other siblings. I've reached my patience limit and can't engage with him anymore.

I believe that it's important for spouses to support each other and back each other up, but not 100% unconditionally - because sometimes spouses can be really, really wrong in a major way. We don't meddle in my brother's relationship with SIL, nor have there ever been any issues with anyone else's in-laws in the family. Sometimes some spousal arrangements are just wrong. At some point, your brother and my brother have to make the decision to opt for change. Nobody can make that decision for them.

I've reached my limit with my sibling. I can't put up with the spillover in bad behavior and treatment, and crazy defensiveness. If you're in a position where you have contact and support your brother, keep doing so as long as you can, without sacrificing your own well-being.

Wishing your family the best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Good advice so far - regarding the 'two to tango' line:

While there is some meat in your argument, saying it more kindly might help it stick. Basically - the abused are susceptible to being in an abused relationship because of previous factors - childhood, personality, previous trauma, etc. It's very hard for folks to just up and change into a magical picture of emotional health. Through experiences and self reflection one can change but again, it's hard. Like PPs said - you have to want it.

As a bystander - support without judgement is the fastest way to allow for a space to heal. Never say anything ill or damaging to the abuser. Never be supportive either - be neutral. Pinning yourself between the abuser and it's victim adds an extra dimension that lengthens the time it takes to extricate a loved one from this scenario.

Good luck to you. Maintain a safe but supportive distance and when it's time to jump ship you'll be there. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Suck it up and try to support him as much as possible. If she is nasty, she'll take the kids and it will be very difficult for him to see them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this is the case? Do you socialize with SIL at all?

Or are you only hearing your brother's side?

It takes two to tango.

How old are the kids, btw?

NP here. I agree that we're only hearing one side, but if the genders were reversed, it would draw more alarm. I do think this is abusive, and certainly not healthy behavior.

Also, "it takes two to tango" is a classic abuser line. It's fair to assume we're only getting one side, but those kinds of excuses help no one. You can be sure that if OP's post were about a sister and controlling/manipulative BIL, that you such a line would be total victim blaming.

I'm not blaming the victim necessarily. But to be honest, if the husband/brother is miserable, there's no sense in staying in the marriage. So yes, I do blame him for being spineless. The kids will suffer more in this situation knowing that both parents are not happy. So he's not doing his kids any favors.

And what if the OP and her other siblings (are there others?) are simply overprotective? I've seen that, too - siblings interfering too much.

Again, we only have one side.

Again, this is classic abuser-speak - other people are interfering and are over protective, and should mind their own business. Nothing about OP's post speaks of either.

[Anonymous]

OP is indeed interfering. I can bet that if you analyzed OP's childhood, you'd find dysfunction that manifested in OP and in her siblings in different ways.

OP's husband subconsciously likes to be controlled and most likely stays away from conflict. I've seen this 1000 times over in friends who grew up with controlling parents.

They either control or like to be controlled. It's all a power struggle.

OP makes her sibling out to be the victim, but again, if he allows himself to be placed in that role, it's not exactly his wife's fault then, is it?

She needs to mind her own business b/c she has NO control over her brother's choices.