No more Grandma's.
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Anonymous
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Our children are young-- one in first grade and three others under age 4. All of our family is local so the children get to see, visit and spend time with grandparents on both sides regularly as well as other family members. For a decent amount of time, the children have been able to stay at my in laws over night. Every time I (mother) get there to pick them up, the oldest three throw a major temper tantrum and are really mean to me. They basically say that they don't want to go home with me and that they want to stay with their grandmother. This tantrum will last anywhere from 10-20 minutes and instead of helping me get the children out of the house and to the car, MIL says nothing and instead allows them to continue to hug on her and scream. I believe she likes the attention and I know for a fact she despises me. That's a whole different post though. But, regardless of our issues, I have not let it interfere with her relationship and the time she spends with our children.
Today, I went to pick up the children again after spending 2 nights with her and FIL. They threw a fit again and were very mean. I got them ready through the fit, gathered up their belongings and we left. I feel a need to put a stop to the attitude and tantrums toward me. I think I need to keep them away from MILS/FILS house until they can respect me. As any other Mom, I am their Mother and not their friend. DH works a ton and isn't home so I am Mom and Dad. I do discipline, night routine, homework, make them pick up their toys/clean their rooms, ect. We have fun as a family (vacation, day trips out, play dates, ect.) however, we aren't able to do as much as MIL/FIL because I SAH and our income won't allow it. Every time the kids go to MIL/FILs they are taken to dinner and lunch, shopping and normally something special is taking place in our hometown that they go to as well. I get it that I am not as "fun" as them and that I have to be Mom. I also realize that it isn't that my children truly don't like me-- they cuddle with me at home, want me when they are sick, get excited when I come to school functions. We all have a good relationship. BUT-- they aren't spoiled by DH and I and we have rules. Our oldest is old enough to understand that she chooses her actions. I'd like to take away spending the night/going to play at Grandma's until they can respect me. They each need to understand that there will be a time to come home and that they WILL and CAN eventually come back. We all live close so it isn't a matter of them only getting to see them a couple of times a year. All I want is when I come to pick you up for you to gather your things, say goodbye and go to the car. I'm not asking for them to kiss all over me and be excited to go home, I just want respect and obedience. MIL/FILs is the *only* house that the children act this way at, BTW. I'm also wondering what you all think about MIL not interfering with how they are acting. I know she isn't their mother but at the same time, I feel she could be saying "_____ you need to get your shoes on and calm down. You will come back but right now it is time to go". Or, something. Thoughts? |
Anonymous
| Have them watch the kids at your house. Less drama when they leave. |
Anonymous
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Perhaps a conversation with MIL and FIL? You will need DH's participation too, of course.
Reading BTL, I sense issues with DH also. |
Anonymous
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I think you are crazy. You have 4 kids, 3 of whom are under 4, a DH who travels a lot, and a MIL who is willing to take them for 2 days?? It seems insane to not take advantage of your MIL's willingness to help.
Also, I think it would be wrong to interfere with your kids relationship with their grandma. Yes, you do have to work on the behavior, but there must be better ways of doing it than keeping them away from their grandma. I'm not sure what's up with your MIL not helping, but perhaps she doesn't think it is her role to discipline when you are standing right there? If you want her to pitch in with discipline or managing the transition, then talk to her about it. |
Anonymous
This. She may be unsure what to do; doesn't want to step on your toes. |
Anonymous
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OP here.
No issues with DH. It happens when he picks them up (when he's home), too. Bugs him as well but we've let it go until now. He feels there needs to be a change in their attitude. I'm just simply asking for advice on whether taking their time away from there would be too harsh or what they need to realize I/We are serious about the behavior. In regards to the comment about wanting MILs help, I have asked for her help when I actually NEED it and she isn't available. For example, grocery shopping or my annual OB appointment. She prefers the fun stuff and not the every day stuff that I need an extra hand with. I've learned to manage on my own. |
Anonymous
OP here. I will try talking to her about helping me more with the transition. With our issues, I believe you all are right that she may not know what to do/I want her to do. |
Anonymous
| OBGYN appointment, I meant. |
Anonymous
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I know she isn't their mother but at the same time, I feel she could be saying "_____ you need to get your shoes on and calm down. You will come back but right now it is time to go". Or, something. Thoughts?[i]
So why don't you call MIL and ask her to do this? If she refuses, then cut off the visits. |
Anonymous
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I would INCREASE the visits at Grandma's house, if she can handle it. 1. Because they evidently all enjoy it (please appreciate how wonderful this is!). As a SAHM, maybe you can use the time off as well. 2. Because the sheer novelty of staying at Grandma's is overwhelming and this is the principal reason why they throw tantrums. You need to transform this into a comforting routine, and your children will all calm down as they grow into it. Note that your children are all very young and therefore understandably emotional and irrational. Every child I have ever seen has done this after sleepovers, parties, and various get-togethers. Some as old as 7 or 8. It's not that the children are "mean", but rather that transitions are difficult, especially if the activity has been more fun than what they usually get at home, and more so if they have been overstimulated and under-rested 
In your case it's even harder since you have 3 out of your 4 throwing a fit at the same time, and the Grandma just wallows in it and laps it all up. You can also call Grandma and ask for help on this one. Ask her politely to back you up next time and encourage a calmer, speedier, departure. Perhaps she won't, or perhaps she'll do it in such a passive-aggressive way as to make you all bristle up. But I think she wisely realizes that it's near impossible to calm down a horde of highly-strung kids, so she does the next best thing - shutting up and staying calm while you drudge around putting on shoes and gathering belongings. |
Anonymous
Oops, sorry, OP. I didn't see your post. |
Anonymous
| OP, you know for a fact that your MIL despises you and you allow your children to stay at her home?! Given their behavior to you after one of their visits, she is likely disparaging you to your children and manipulating the situation to put you in the worst possible light and her in the best. Nothing is free and you should not leave your children in her care unless you want your parenting sabotaged. |
Anonymous
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We have this issue too.
We ended up approaching my parents (they are the local ones) and had a serious talk about rules when the kid (we have one) is with them. We acknowledge that they want to spoil him, but that this makes life harder for us and ultimately damages our relationship. With us, spoiling and lack of rules there was the issue. We set ground rules like "you can't let him climb your counters" and "if you want to get him sweets, give him one or two, but stop. buy him fruit instead" and "stop sending him toys; he is starting to see you as a material good and not a grandparent." The conversation was hard, and we have to have a re-hash every few months, but it's working better. We approached this by saying we valued their time together and were having trouble with them when they returned and wanted to fix the transition period so that they could continue to have untainted time together and not associate the "come down" with them. We also said it was super hard on us - and they got that. We have also implemented rituals like grandma or grandpa buckling DC into his carseat when he leaves. It helps ease the transition, and signals that they are on board with us. When we do the hand off, I usually try to have something to do with my kid; when he was younger, we'd go to lunch or run an errand then come home and take a nap. I usually lay down with him to get him settled and when he wakes he has reset. Also helpful, was doing a hand off at 8am on a school day: we grabbed a desirable breakfast (hashbrowns or something) then went off to school. Reset at pick-up time. Of course, our methods, and our successes, have depended on grandparent cooperation. Sounds like that may be a challenge for you. However, as your kids age, you will be able to put their behavior on them and they will be able to be more in control. I would not keep them from their grandparents, as that seem unnecessarily harsh. Must be harder with lots of kids! |
Anonymous
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OP, ending the visits with Grandma is not a way to get them to respect you or change this behavior. You need to let them know the expectations you have for leaving grandmas. Lay it out for them ahead of time. "When we leave Memaw's I want you to gather your things, come with me quietly, and get in the car."
Also, how do you ask them to leave? Do you fly in the door, announce it's time to go, and insist they all get in the car? Or do you arrive and give them 10-15 minutes notice and allow them to gradually transition to the idea of leaving, with a couple of warnings? They are very young children, OP. |
Anonymous
OP here. I do the latter. I walk in the door and stay for at least 20 minutes. I do not run in and expect that they get in the car immediately. |