No more Grandma's.

[Anonymous]

All four of them do not go. MIL is on vacation this week and asked to have the two oldest 2 nights. The 3rd child stayed only last night.

Some of the replies are snarky. You all should have better things to do in DC.

[Anonymous]

Send the oldest - set expectatiosn that there are consequences to behavior. When you come to pick up this is what you expect. If she can not comply, she will not be allowed to stay over the next visit.

Repeat the next time with the 2nd oldest and oldest.

Repeat the next time with the oldest 3.

You get the pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I think this is a direct reflection in you and your parenting, not on your in laws at all. The only reason your kids do this is because you allow them to do this. I am sure once one kicks it off they all follow suit. The way you describe it you are looking for your in laws to do something when this is your problem. Additionally, I highly doubt they are disparaging you in front of your kids. Kids that age can't keep secrets much less 4 of them.

By 3 they know what is expected of them. Prep before they do, in the car, when they arrive and reminder when you arrive should do it. Won't happen right away but give it some time. You have a husband who travels and in laws who love your kids enough to have them overnight. Let go of your issues with them (comes through clearly in your post) and even if they pitch a fit for a few minutes be grateful.

You clearly have not had a toxic, passive-aggressive MIL in your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I didn't read all of the responses, but here is what I would do.

Only supervised visit with MIL. No dropping them off and leaving them there. Only have them visit with MIL WITH you and/or your husband.

Do the fun things with them. And don't give MIL the control she seems to like.

This would also nip it in the bud if she is trash talking you to your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP you seem like a shitty parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I didn't read all of the responses, but here is what I would do.

Only supervised visit with MIL. No dropping them off and leaving them there. Only have them visit with MIL WITH you and/or your husband.

Do the fun things with them. And don't give MIL the control she seems to like.

This would also nip it in the bud if she is trash talking you to your kids.

This OP. Start doing what is best for your kids instead of doing what is best for you (getting your breaks from your kids)

[Anonymous]

I love how OP asks for advice then completely disregards anything that may imply she is the problem, criticize her, or suggest SHE may need to act differently. It's hilarious but very sad. OP, you sound immature and childish.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the problem is grandma. My kids also have grandparents who spoil them and do all the fun things and they still love to come home and tell us about all the amazing things they did at grandmas.

If you have 3 under 4 - you may be burned out Op. Maybe you aren't an enjoyable person to be around - you are likely tired, sleep deprived and frustrated - kid sense that and may not really enjoy their time with you. at grandmas, it may be that they are spoiled but it could also just be that is is more relaxing and generally a more pleasant environment and grandma is happier, plays with them and they enjoy being with her.

I would keep sending them - maybe 2 at a time to grandmas and use that time to really have fun and give attention to the other two. Play with them, be fun, be happy, engage with them. then do the same with the other two when you switch who is at grandmas. Likely as you engage more with them and they enjoy being with you more, they will be more enthused about going home.

[Anonymous]

Can in-laws drive the kids home?

[Anonymous]

I've got it! Ask MIL to bring the kids home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you know for a fact that your MIL despises you and you allow your children to stay at her home?! Given their behavior to you after one of their visits, she is likely disparaging you to your children and manipulating the situation to put you in the worst possible light and her in the best. Nothing is free and you should not leave your children in her care unless you want your parenting sabotaged.

No, she is not necessarily undermining OP. Why sow distrust in the world pp? Why play on OP's insecurities this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you seem like a shitty parent.

Why would you type this? get some therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

No issues with DH. It happens when he picks them up (when he's home), too. Bugs him as well but we've let it go until now. He feels there needs to be a change in their attitude. I'm just simply asking for advice on whether taking their time away from there would be too harsh or what they need to realize I/We are serious about the behavior.

In regards to the comment about wanting MILs help, I have asked for her help when I actually NEED it and she isn't available. For example, grocery shopping or my annual OB appointment. She prefers the fun stuff and not the every day stuff that I need an extra hand with. I've learned to manage on my own.

No, it's not too harsh. I am no sure why you let this go for as long as it did, especially since you have other issues with your MIL.

There are people out there that take great pleasure in the possibility that children prefer them to their own mothers. One of my nannies was like this, and my MIL would be if I let her. For that reason, I never let my kid spend more than a couple of unsupervised hours with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, sorry but you sound incredibly ungrateful and incredibly unrealistic about the dynamics of young kids. Fwiw, we don't have a single family member who is well enough to take care of our kids, and in 10 years of parenting, we've never had the opportunity to leave them with anyone. I can't imagine getting annoyed at grandparents who are willing and capable of taking a gaggle of toddlers for multiple days simply because the kids fuss at the goodbye.

Here's the bottom line: Your kids are babies, essentially, they are going to have tantrums when they have to make transitions. That's what little kids do. Even first-graders. Deal with it - find incentives to get them out quickly or just roll with the antics a bit since it's not really a big deal. Don't blame your MIL or deprive your kids (and yourself!) of grandparent time because it comes with a little drama.

this is BS. My kids have no problems with transitions (no do OPs kids at other homes). I am not saying it's because I have figured it all out but it is simply not a fact of life that all children have will have this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I am not a troll. I'm just taking responses with a grain of salt and replying to those I see fit.

I agree with you all that I need to go easier on the kids because of their ages. In the past, I have not bothered with doing anything differently with the situation because I thought their age mattered. I appreciate the feedback from you all that because they are so young is, indeed, a factor to why they act the way that they do.

To the comments about how lucky I am to have family close-- I get this a lot. I know that I am blessed to have family near but once again, they don't want to help when I *need* the help. They want to help when they can have fun. The grass isn't always greener and I know that if we had no family that I would be jealous of those who did. However, nobody truly can understand this situation or the family dynamic with MIL. And yes, to say that she is passive-aggressive is an understatement.

All in all, I play in the sandbox with MIL because I have to be respectful. However, there are things above and beyond this that need to be worked out with the in laws. Again, though, I have to pick and choose my battles. I will talk to MIL about helping me when I get there and see how it goes. Thank you for your replies.

Ignore the "you don't know how good you have it" posters. We are immigrants and normally have no help whatsoever from my ILs (my parents are dead). However, MIL once stayed with us to help and also tried to help when we travelled home. It was a total disaster and I couldn't wait for her to leave. No "help" is worth her meddling, and trying to insert herself between me and my kids. None. People who had no experience with this don't understand and only see " free childcare" where in fact you are paying with your relationship with your kids and your own sanity.