No more Grandma's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

No issues with DH. It happens when he picks them up (when he's home), too. Bugs him as well but we've let it go until now. He feels there needs to be a change in their attitude. I'm just simply asking for advice on whether taking their time away from there would be too harsh or what they need to realize I/We are serious about the behavior.

In regards to the comment about wanting MILs help, I have asked for her help when I actually NEED it and she isn't available. For example, grocery shopping or my annual OB appointment. She prefers the fun stuff and not the every day stuff that I need an extra hand with. I've learned to manage on my own.

No, it's not too harsh. I am no sure why you let this go for as long as it did, especially since you have other issues with your MIL.

There are people out there that take great pleasure in the possibility that children prefer them to their own mothers. One of my nannies was like this, and my MIL would be if I let her. For that reason, I never let my kid spend more than a couple of unsupervised hours with her.

PP, you sound very insecure. Your kids will figure you out soon if they haven't already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I am not a troll. I'm just taking responses with a grain of salt and replying to those I see fit.

I agree with you all that I need to go easier on the kids because of their ages. In the past, I have not bothered with doing anything differently with the situation because I thought their age mattered. I appreciate the feedback from you all that because they are so young is, indeed, a factor to why they act the way that they do.

To the comments about how lucky I am to have family close-- I get this a lot. I know that I am blessed to have family near but once again, they don't want to help when I *need* the help. They want to help when they can have fun. The grass isn't always greener and I know that if we had no family that I would be jealous of those who did. However, nobody truly can understand this situation or the family dynamic with MIL. And yes, to say that she is passive-aggressive is an understatement.

All in all, I play in the sandbox with MIL because I have to be respectful. However, there are things above and beyond this that need to be worked out with the in laws. Again, though, I have to pick and choose my battles. I will talk to MIL about helping me when I get there and see how it goes. Thank you for your replies.

And what is wrong with this OP? You are not owed help from them when you *need* it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I didn't read all of the responses, but here is what I would do.

Only supervised visit with MIL. No dropping them off and leaving them there. Only have them visit with MIL WITH you and/or your husband.

Do the fun things with them. And don't give MIL the control she seems to like.

This would also nip it in the bud if she is trash talking you to your kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I am not a troll. I'm just taking responses with a grain of salt and replying to those I see fit.

I agree with you all that I need to go easier on the kids because of their ages. In the past, I have not bothered with doing anything differently with the situation because I thought their age mattered. I appreciate the feedback from you all that because they are so young is, indeed, a factor to why they act the way that they do.

To the comments about how lucky I am to have family close-- I get this a lot. I know that I am blessed to have family near but once again, they don't want to help when I *need* the help. They want to help when they can have fun. The grass isn't always greener and I know that if we had no family that I would be jealous of those who did. However, nobody truly can understand this situation or the family dynamic with MIL. And yes, to say that she is passive-aggressive is an understatement.

All in all, I play in the sandbox with MIL because I have to be respectful. However, there are things above and beyond this that need to be worked out with the in laws. Again, though, I have to pick and choose my battles. I will talk to MIL about helping me when I get there and see how it goes. Thank you for your replies.

And what is wrong with this OP? You are not owed help from them when you *need* it.

You're right. Helping someone who *needs* it, is an ethical issue, not something you *owe* them. Although some of us believe differently.

[Anonymous]

You say your MIL dislikes you so I'm going to assume there's more backstory or maybe MIL's somehow contributing to the kids reacting the way they do at pick up. However, based on the little info you provided, I don't really see what she can do to change things. It's not as of she's telling them to stay while you're telling them its time to go. You basically want MIL to step in and discipline along side you, but that's just not her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

No issues with DH. It happens when he picks them up (when he's home), too. Bugs him as well but we've let it go until now. He feels there needs to be a change in their attitude. I'm just simply asking for advice on whether taking their time away from there would be too harsh or what they need to realize I/We are serious about the behavior.

In regards to the comment about wanting MILs help, I have asked for her help when I actually NEED it and she isn't available. For example, grocery shopping or my annual OB appointment. She prefers the fun stuff and not the every day stuff that I need an extra hand with. I've learned to manage on my own.

No, it's not too harsh. I am no sure why you let this go for as long as it did, especially since you have other issues with your MIL.

There are people out there that take great pleasure in the possibility that children prefer them to their own mothers. One of my nannies was like this, and my MIL would be if I let her. For that reason, I never let my kid spend more than a couple of unsupervised hours with her.

PP, you sound very insecure. Your kids will figure you out soon if they haven't already.

No, I am actually quite confident, which allows me to have a spine when dealing with assorted envious losers and psychos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say your MIL dislikes you so I'm going to assume there's more backstory or maybe MIL's somehow contributing to the kids reacting the way they do at pick up. However, based on the little info you provided, I don't really see what she can do to change things. It's not as of she's telling them to stay while you're telling them its time to go. You basically want MIL to step in and discipline along side you, but that's just not her job.

If MIL has nothing to do with it, why is "discipline" an issue at her home only?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I am not a troll. I'm just taking responses with a grain of salt and replying to those I see fit.

I agree with you all that I need to go easier on the kids because of their ages. In the past, I have not bothered with doing anything differently with the situation because I thought their age mattered. I appreciate the feedback from you all that because they are so young is, indeed, a factor to why they act the way that they do.

To the comments about how lucky I am to have family close-- I get this a lot. I know that I am blessed to have family near but once again, they don't want to help when I *need* the help. They want to help when they can have fun. The grass isn't always greener and I know that if we had no family that I would be jealous of those who did. However, nobody truly can understand this situation or the family dynamic with MIL. And yes, to say that she is passive-aggressive is an understatement.

All in all, I play in the sandbox with MIL because I have to be respectful. However, there are things above and beyond this that need to be worked out with the in laws. Again, though, I have to pick and choose my battles. I will talk to MIL about helping me when I get there and see how it goes. Thank you for your replies.

And what is wrong with this OP? You are not owed help from them when you *need* it.

OP is certainly not owed help, but the pattern does shed a light on the kind of help she is receiving from her ILs.

[Anonymous]

I agree that transitions are a big issue for little children.
When my DS started preschool he would be fine each morning when I dropped him off, but would burst into tears when I picked him up. It can be a bit overwhelming for the little ones when they've had lots of excitement, less sleep, etc and they've also been away from their primary and steady caretaker, their mom. It can cause a rough transition, that's a common thing in kids their age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are crazy. You have 4 kids, 3 of whom are under 4, a DH who travels a lot, and a MIL who is willing to take them for 2 days?? It seems insane to not take advantage of your MIL's willingness to help.

Also, I think it would be wrong to interfere with your kids relationship with their grandma. Yes, you do have to work on the behavior, but there must be better ways of doing it than keeping them away from their grandma.

I'm not sure what's up with your MIL not helping, but perhaps she doesn't think it is her role to discipline when you are standing right there? If you want her to pitch in with discipline or managing the transition, then talk to her about it.

All this right here. If the kids are safe and happy, but just upset to leave happy fun grandma land, gosh, that doesn't sound like a problem. And I am usually pretty critical of MILs. She is probably letting you take back over--and perhaps happily.

I would have a talk with your oldest before the next visit. If she is old enough as you say to control her emotions a bit more, ask her about how things melt down when you get there. See if she has ideas--maybe there is some way the grandparents could help. Give a few heads ups before you arrive for pick up. Ask your oldest to help pick up, etc. There has got to be a way to smooth this out.

Meanwhile, sounds like you are feeling a bit taken for granted by your DH--that is a totally different issue. Punishing his parents is shooting yourself in the foot.

[Anonymous]

I used to own a preschool program in my house. I did have a child who would pitch a fit when it was time to leave.

I asked her mother to stay in the car, and I walked out the child and strapped her in her carseat.

Worked like a charm!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

No issues with DH. It happens when he picks them up (when he's home), too. Bugs him as well but we've let it go until now. He feels there needs to be a change in their attitude. I'm just simply asking for advice on whether taking their time away from there would be too harsh or what they need to realize I/We are serious about the behavior.

In regards to the comment about wanting MILs help, I have asked for her help when I actually NEED it and she isn't available. For example, grocery shopping or my annual OB appointment. She prefers the fun stuff and not the every day stuff that I need an extra hand with. I've learned to manage on my own.

She is a narcissist. BTDT. Limit the amount of time they spend with her and tell them and her that there will be no more overnights until their behavior improves. Then tell them there will be no more daytime visits until behavior improves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

No issues with DH. It happens when he picks them up (when he's home), too. Bugs him as well but we've let it go until now. He feels there needs to be a change in their attitude. I'm just simply asking for advice on whether taking their time away from there would be too harsh or what they need to realize I/We are serious about the behavior.

In regards to the comment about wanting MILs help, I have asked for her help when I actually NEED it and she isn't available. For example, grocery shopping or my annual OB appointment. She prefers the fun stuff and not the every day stuff that I need an extra hand with. I've learned to manage on my own.

She is a narcissist. BTDT. Limit the amount of time they spend with her and tell them and her that there will be no more overnights until their behavior improves. Then tell them there will be no more daytime visits until behavior improves.

Uh, how the hell is she a narcissist? You can't possibly know this from that paragraph.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to own a preschool program in my house. I did have a child who would pitch a fit when it was time to leave.

I asked her mother to stay in the car, and I walked out the child and strapped her in her carseat.

Worked like a charm!

Tell Grandma to walk them out.
Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Have a talk with the kids before you drop them at grandmas. Say it's very hard to hear their tantrums and if they do it again, then they lose out on a week at grandmas. Call ahead of time and talk to 1st grader saying "I'm on my way! Remember our deal?" So he knows
Ahead of time.