Goodness - advice or something like that, please

[Anonymous]

I really want to keep this in this forum.

Do any of you have any experience/stories about not ending a relationship after cheating has occurred? I am not looking for the "I'll-leave-immediately-bright-line" types of responses, because that makes sense to me and I am pretty much right there, too. I have been dating for 10-11 years and I have never had something like this happen to me. I am an "optimistic" or "trusting" person (not naive or an to the point of idiocy, though) and - funny - never even considered that something like this might happen to me. But just please consider this situation: together for 5 years and pretty much very happy. Never would have asked for anything different, felt loved, respected, intellectually satisfied and constantly happy/nicely humorous. Some time ago, we went through a long distance period where I promised I would follow and move, but I basically dawdled and finally moved 9-10 months after I was going to (depression? maybe. anticipating reply questions, it was not because I felt doubts or anything like that). Anyway, fast forward and life is going along really nicely - very happy. Then, out of nowhere: boom. He had sex with someone else during the long distance time. It was "killing him and he couldn't stand living with it and etc." I swear, I though he was joking. Seriously, never in a million years would have I believed he would do something like that. Mostly in shock, I then asked a million questions because for some reason I wanted to know everything. He cried and sobbed and answered them all and repeatedly stated that he was so ashamed, never thought of himself as someone who'd do something so immoral, it was a horrible mistake, it was emotionless (like that's make me feel any better), he thought I was checked out and never coming (he takes full responsibility, this was only when I prodded about the why and how could he do something like that), and we talked in this way for a long time.

Well. I am out now, of course. It's just so shocking to go so suddenly from a normal, happy life to something like this. I am hurt and furious. It's just weird how pathetic and sad this whole situation is. I know he loves me and feels genuine shame and remorse and, weirdly, I don't even feel disrespected, just a broken trust and very furious. I feel pathetic that thoughts keep coming to me about how this may not be worth me ending something that straight-up made me fulfilled and happy for years. But, then again, cheating is pretty much the worst thing a partner can do to the other, right?

Can anyone offer any thoughts, please? Thanks so much.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You were not suspicious and he confessed because he couldn't deal with lying to you.

For myself, I have a bright-line rule on this sort of thing, but since you are not in same the mental place I am, I am trying to be constructive.

So I will say, the (bigger) problem I have with cheating is the lying. The look-in-your-eyes-and-lie-to-you-a-thousand-times-over about a zillion little things to keep the house of cards going.

I would say, (because I have to) that if you go forward with him, you MUST recognize that one scenario you will have to consider more than your other relationships is that you may end up married, with a couple kids and another on the way, or a newborn, and be faced with this situation again. And so you have to come to terms with that and if the risk is acceptable to you, then go forward but have a plan for this scenario. Because it will not be just you anymore; kids will be involved and if not handled well it can be devastating to them.

[Anonymous]

You're upset and hurt and angry. That's totally normal. This does not mean the relationship is over. It sounds like at some point the two of you withdrew from one another rather than towards one another. For you, it was not moving; for him it was sleeping with someone. What's important is to figure out how things will be different (assuming you stay together.) How will you ccommunicate with each other when things aren't going well? What will you each do differently?

It wouldn't hurt to see a counselor together to work through this. Someone objective can help you both navigate through a lot of feelings. It may be messy for a while, but that doesn't mean this cannot be salvaged.

[Anonymous]

He thought you weren't going to live with him so he tried to move on yet he still loves you. A true cheat would have kept that to himself and felt no guilt. If anything you need to blame yourself. YOU played head games with him and hurt him too.

Put aside your anger and see the relationship in it's true meaning. Sounds like was very good. I'd forgive.

[Anonymous]

Having lived through this, I can tell you that you can recover and things can be very good again. But yes, it will always be there to some degree and only you can decide if you can live with it. Counseling, individual and couples, can help immensely with that.

I did want to address your comment that cheating is the worst thing you can do to your partner though. I actually can think of many worse things than what it sounds like he did. A brief, not emotionally involved fling while you were physically and emotionally distant, which he owned up to and accepts responsibility for? Compared to years long affairs, partners who get caught and then continue the affair while gas lighting their partner, multiple high risk encounters-this isn't such a terrible crime. Compared to hidden gambling problems, drug addictions, physical or verbal abuse, reckless spending, etc-again, this pales in comparison.

People do make mistakes. It's hard to know sometimes if situations like this are a one time mistake or the start of a pattern. There is no right or wrong answer, and most people who think there is a bright line have never lived through it. There is only the answer that feels right for you-and screw what anyone else thinks. You also don't need to decide today-you can take some time to make a decision and to figure out what ou want.

[StormyHeather]

Anonymous wrote:You're upset and hurt and angry. That's totally normal. This does not mean the relationship is over. It sounds like at some point the two of you withdrew from one another rather than towards one another. For you, it was not moving; for him it was sleeping with someone. What's important is to figure out how things will be different (assuming you stay together.) How will you ccommunicate with each other when things aren't going well? What will you each do differently?

It wouldn't hurt to see a counselor together to work through this. Someone objective can help you both navigate through a lot of feelings. It may be messy for a while, but that doesn't mean this cannot be salvaged.

I agree with this. The fact that he did this during a time when you two weren't physically together, and it sounds like it was actually before you'd both really committed to the relationship makes it sound like he's not going to do it again, unless you move out or something. And the fact that he felt so guilty about it that he confessed also says to me that he loves you and he's not going to do it again (why would he put himself through the guilt?).

To be honest, If I were in your situation I'd be more concerned with why you've been together for 5 years and you're not married, but that's just me. Maybe you don't want to get married.

[Anonymous]

Cheating is terrible, of course - but IMO, violence is worse. Not to diminish what you're going through, but I thought it was worth saying because you made that statement about it being the worst thing. Maybe not.

And there are "better" and "worse" ways to be cheated on, even though obviously it's never good.

It sounds like your situation was one of the "better" ones as far as these things go. If I was in his shoes, I would have been really hurt by your reluctance to move. By about Month 3, I would have been sure it was over between us. You didn't move until Month 10.

Not that this excuses cheating! But...it's a context that most cheating situations don't have, and one that makes it a little more understandable.

A good friend of mine stayed with a cheater. They had a rough couple of years, but now are doing very well. Frankly, I thought she was kind of crazy at the time (though I kept my opinion to myself) but they had 3 kids together, he was sorry, and she really didn't want to do the single mom thing. Now it looks like she made the right call, since they're happy. So it can be done. It definitely took lots of therapy and a lot of work on the trust issue, though. It never really goes away, it just gets more manageable over time, apparently.

[Anonymous]

My initial reaction to your story is that it seems that you were the first one to break the trust in the relationship, by emotionally abandoning him when you delayed moving with him for almost a year. If the delay had been caused by external forces, that would have been different. But you say that you "dawdled" and were perhaps depressed, which sounds like you were checked out of the relationship, or at least I can see him feeling that way from his end of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My initial reaction to your story is that it seems that you were the first one to break the trust in the relationship, by emotionally abandoning him when you delayed moving with him for almost a year. If the delay had been caused by external forces, that would have been different. But you say that you "dawdled" and were perhaps depressed, which sounds like you were checked out of the relationship, or at least I can see him feeling that way from his end of things.

You are seriously wrong. There is nothing to suggest that OP broke trust or emotionally abandoned him. But even if there were, that makes cheating okay? REALLY??

I am guessing you are a cheater. They manage to blame others for their own bad actions. It's very immature and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My initial reaction to your story is that it seems that you were the first one to break the trust in the relationship, by emotionally abandoning him when you delayed moving with him for almost a year. If the delay had been caused by external forces, that would have been different. But you say that you "dawdled" and were perhaps depressed, which sounds like you were checked out of the relationship, or at least I can see him feeling that way from his end of things.

I agree. However, that does not absolve the cheater since OP's actions were "in the open" so to speak and the significant other hid something major.

[Anonymous]

How horrible, OP. I would try to work through it. It's too bad he told you, though. He ought to have kept it to himself, even though the lying was eating him alive. That's the price you pay for infidelity -- living a lie for the rest of your life. He told you out of selfishness, and that's something you have to decide whether or not you can live with. But life does not run along swimmingly all the time, and the people we love are imperfect. If he were a serial philanderer, get rid of him, but a one-time lapse when you were separated by distance, not by agreement, though, is something you may be able to get beyond. Only you can decide that. My deepest sympathies, OP. He ought to have saved you from this unhappiness, even if it cost him his own.

[Anonymous]

I don't know op. There is a reason you two aren't married after five years. There is also a reason you dawdled about moving and can't articulate why. I'd bet he's cheated before and on some level you know this. I'd also bet he told you to shift the burden of pain onto you. Everybody treats someone well that they want to keep fucking. It doesn't mean he truly wants to be with you, just that he wants to keep fucking you. I think if you were truly ok with the relationship, you'd be married by now, or you'd not have dawled about moving.

[Anonymous]

Op, if you are truly loved and happy then there shouldn't be depression when you are so loved. Sorry my 2-cent.

My co-worker was in the same shoes as you minus the confusion of cheating and she is in a miserable marriage with two children. Thank him for the wake up call. Your conscious is trying to tell you something, just like his conscious is trying to tell you that "you knew" how I was before you married me

so sorry!