Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you have a baby, if your oldest is just in preschool. Cut your wife a break!! Much of what you said could be said about me but I am glad to say my DH and I are in great shape and I think he would tell you the attraction has not diminished. Part of that is because we made the decision together for me to stay home, but part of it is that he loves me and wants me to be happy, and he sees how much happier the kids are with me home than they were when I worked. We are also lucky that my DH earns enough that we can live comfortably and meet our goals without my financial contribution. But part of why he's been as successful as he has is that my being home enables my him to give 100% to his job. He can work late, attend work dinners, travel on short notice, etc. That was NOT the case when I worked and it was really hard. It put a lot of stress on our marriage to constantly be negotiating who could do preschool drop off and who could relieve the nanny, not to mention who was going to pick up the groceries, throw dinner together, make lunches, etc. Now there's no question that I can do all those things. My DH still helps a lot when he's home but when he's not that's fine too. Our house is messy I admit, and that's something I'm working on, but only because my youngest is now in preschool 3 mornings a week and my oldest is in kindergarten. Before that I just couldn't keep up with the house -- it doesn't come naturally to me and it was so hard with babies and toddlers. That phase really is SO difficult. But we always caught up on weekends and the cleaning lady came once a week and it was fine. I am so glad my DH and I are on the same page because it would really make me lose respect for him if he were to cut me down the way you talk about your DW. Again, our situations aren't the same but there are a lot of similarities. This isn't what I would necessarily have chosen but my career didn't take off the way I had hoped and I felt guilty all the time being away from the kids. My DH understands that everything changes when you have kids, and the priorities and goals you had before may need to be adjusted in ways you couldn't have predicted. Try to give your wife the same understanding.

Plus 1000!

I work FT and earn more than my husband but I have quite a few friends who stay at home FT. Staying home all day with the kids is NOT easy (even for the best of moms) and I would definitely be looking for a break when my husband got home (especially with young kids). Your wife sounds like someone who values spending time with her children doing fun activities more than cooking and cleaning, which I can completely relate to. I also agree with you that there has to be some balance though. Perhaps she can find a tastefully simple rep in her area (you build 10 frozen meals at a time and drop them in the crock pot in the morning). Or maybe you can help her find some easy crock pot meals (look up pulled BBQ sandwiches, pot roast, etc). Also, encourage her to try out a simple cleaning schedule during the week (one load of laundry during the day and one room a day to clean).

Understand that it is almost impossible to keep a house clean with two young kids (when I am home during the day, I do try to keep the mess to one or two rooms though).

Like your wife, if I stayed at home I would choose to provide my children experiences (play dates, activities, arts/crafts) rather than running around all day cooking and cleaning.

OP, I had to say this, but you do sound a bit like a jerk. It would be great for you to focus on all of the benefits that your family (mostly your kids) get by staying at home with mom. A few (though I don't know your specific family) might be:
- nit having to rush out of the house extremely early so that mom/dad can make it to work
- you not having to take off of work when one of the kids are sick or have doctors appointments
- reduced stress around mundane but extremely time consuming tasks like grocery shopping, going to target, etc
- great and fun experiences for your kids (going to the library, swimming, park, etc)

One last point - I have a 5 month old and a three y/o and consider myself to be a great mom. When I stay him from work or have the kids all day on the weekend for whatever reason, I 100% hand them off to my husband for a much needed break when he gets home. To the pp who suggested giving you a 30min break when you get home - I would never agree to that. My husband is an attorney who works for the govt. but has time in his day for mini breaks (grabbing lunch, or a cup of coffee, reading his iPad on the metro ride home, etc). He understands and agrees that from the time he gets home to the time that both kids go to sleep (about 7:30pm), he is still "on".

[Anonymous]

4:29, you didn't read the thread, did you?

[Anonymous]

I doubt 4:@9 read the thread. Her comment is so tone deaf and ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had to say this, but you do sound a bit like a jerk.

Good lord. You are so wrong on this. If you actually read the thread, OP sounds like a caring husband and father who was thrown into an arrangement he didn't expect and really didn't want without his wife actually expressly asking to be a SAHM and coming to any sort of decision together. The cynic in me says he was bamboozled. But the romantic in me, hopes he's right and everything works out. Hopefully, OP will repost in a year. I am curious to see how things turn out.

[Anonymous]

I love how craft making is more important than making food.

[Anonymous]

All throughout our dating years I said I don't have much career ambition and wasn't sure if I wanted to SAH or not. My spouse said he'd make it work regardless of my choice. I made more than him then and worried/discussed is it really feasible on his income alone. I told him daycare costs school costs diapers costs. He appeared confident. Now that we have a young toddler he says SAH is no longer an option, he says we need my income to save fir retirement and buy a house. I feel a bit resentful and think he was an idiot for being confident without really crunching numbers and I'm the bigger idiot thinking his salary would increase or that it would work out (when his job is not in a lucrative field). He has wealthy parents but of course he prefers notvto be indebted to them. He says he wants to be independent. But I have to work as an attorney or something else that makes more than 60k if I switch fields.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All throughout our dating years I said I don't have much career ambition and wasn't sure if I wanted to SAH or not. My spouse said he'd make it work regardless of my choice. I made more than him then and worried/discussed is it really feasible on his income alone. I told him daycare costs school costs diapers costs. He appeared confident. Now that we have a young toddler he says SAH is no longer an option, he says we need my income to save fir retirement and buy a house. I feel a bit resentful and think he was an idiot for being confident without really crunching numbers and I'm the bigger idiot thinking his salary would increase or that it would work out (when his job is not in a lucrative field). He has wealthy parents but of course he prefers notvto be indebted to them. He says he wants to be independent. But I have to work as an attorney or something else that makes more than 60k if I switch fields.

I would say you are the bigger idiot. You are the one who wanted to stop working. Why didn't YOU crunch numbers? And why did you make assumptions about his future earnings?

[Anonymous]

Exactly pp. this woman is a victim. Everything that is wrong with this woman's life is her fault. Her husband did not do anything but his best. Promises and good intentions aren't enough sometimes make up the difference when you go down to one income. If she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, she needed to get her shit together and do that by saving money or building a nest egg or doing something that would encourage her husband to develop his skills further.

People need to make choices and owned them explicitly. This defaulting people into roles is bull shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you have a baby, if your oldest is just in preschool. Cut your wife a break!! Much of what you said could be said about me but I am glad to say my DH and I are in great shape and I think he would tell you the attraction has not diminished. Part of that is because we made the decision together for me to stay home, but part of it is that he loves me and wants me to be happy, and he sees how much happier the kids are with me home than they were when I worked. We are also lucky that my DH earns enough that we can live comfortably and meet our goals without my financial contribution. But part of why he's been as successful as he has is that my being home enables my him to give 100% to his job. He can work late, attend work dinners, travel on short notice, etc. That was NOT the case when I worked and it was really hard. It put a lot of stress on our marriage to constantly be negotiating who could do preschool drop off and who could relieve the nanny, not to mention who was going to pick up the groceries, throw dinner together, make lunches, etc. Now there's no question that I can do all those things. My DH still helps a lot when he's home but when he's not that's fine too. Our house is messy I admit, and that's something I'm working on, but only because my youngest is now in preschool 3 mornings a week and my oldest is in kindergarten. Before that I just couldn't keep up with the house -- it doesn't come naturally to me and it was so hard with babies and toddlers. That phase really is SO difficult. But we always caught up on weekends and the cleaning lady came once a week and it was fine. I am so glad my DH and I are on the same page because it would really make me lose respect for him if he were to cut me down the way you talk about your DW. Again, our situations aren't the same but there are a lot of similarities. This isn't what I would necessarily have chosen but my career didn't take off the way I had hoped and I felt guilty all the time being away from the kids. My DH understands that everything changes when you have kids, and the priorities and goals you had before may need to be adjusted in ways you couldn't have predicted. Try to give your wife the same understanding.

Plus 1000!

I work FT and earn more than my husband but I have quite a few friends who stay at home FT. Staying home all day with the kids is NOT easy (even for the best of moms) and I would definitely be looking for a break when my husband got home (especially with young kids). Your wife sounds like someone who values spending time with her children doing fun activities more than cooking and cleaning, which I can completely relate to. I also agree with you that there has to be some balance though. Perhaps she can find a tastefully simple rep in her area (you build 10 frozen meals at a time and drop them in the crock pot in the morning). Or maybe you can help her find some easy crock pot meals (look up pulled BBQ sandwiches, pot roast, etc). Also, encourage her to try out a simple cleaning schedule during the week (one load of laundry during the day and one room a day to clean).

Understand that it is almost impossible to keep a house clean with two young kids (when I am home during the day, I do try to keep the mess to one or two rooms though).

Like your wife, if I stayed at home I would choose to provide my children experiences (play dates, activities, arts/crafts) rather than running around all day cooking and cleaning.

OP, I had to say this, but you do sound a bit like a jerk. It would be great for you to focus on all of the benefits that your family (mostly your kids) get by staying at home with mom. A few (though I don't know your specific family) might be:
- nit having to rush out of the house extremely early so that mom/dad can make it to work
- you not having to take off of work when one of the kids are sick or have doctors appointments
- reduced stress around mundane but extremely time consuming tasks like grocery shopping, going to target, etc
- great and fun experiences for your kids (going to the library, swimming, park, etc)

One last point - I have a 5 month old and a three y/o and consider myself to be a great mom. When I stay him from work or have the kids all day on the weekend for whatever reason, I 100% hand them off to my husband for a much needed break when he gets home. To the pp who suggested giving you a 30min break when you get home - I would never agree to that. My husband is an attorney who works for the govt. but has time in his day for mini breaks (grabbing lunch, or a cup of coffee, reading his iPad on the metro ride home, etc). He understands and agrees that from the time he gets home to the time that both kids go to sleep (about 7:30pm), he is still "on".

x2, this is fab advice and I agree with everything youve said, especially with your comment about Op being a bit of a jerk. I dont know why anyone would resent their wife for staying home to take care of HIS children.

[Anonymous]

Previous poster, you are literally on crack. This woman agreed to work and then decided to stay home without actually ever having a conversation with her husband about this decision she made this decision unilaterally that is not how you treat your husband or partner. Making a living and finances are part of life. simply throwing your hands up in the air and saying no thanks is the height of your responsibility and disrespect. And then this woman had the eye doctor you cannot even do a really good job at being a stay-at-home parent. Did you read the thread? This guy is coming home to a disaster of a house no dinner made and gorgeous crafts. And he spent every iota of his time on things that could be done during the day. I mean what is the point of being a stay-at-home parent when it complicates it makes the working parents life even more difficult. Yes the kids benefit from additional time with mom and yes mom benefits from additional time with kids but it comes at the sacrifice of the father who is forced to work and then do beyond and above them out of housework that someone is it should be expected to do when they work full-time and have a stay-at-home parent if you actually read the thread which I doubt you did you'd realize that The original poster is basically a freaking saint.

[Anonymous]

People need to read the thread before posting justifications for their own existence.

[Anonymous]

Is having a baby the new retirement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you have a baby, if your oldest is just in preschool. Cut your wife a break!! Much of what you said could be said about me but I am glad to say my DH and I are in great shape and I think he would tell you the attraction has not diminished. Part of that is because we made the decision together for me to stay home, but part of it is that he loves me and wants me to be happy, and he sees how much happier the kids are with me home than they were when I worked. We are also lucky that my DH earns enough that we can live comfortably and meet our goals without my financial contribution. But part of why he's been as successful as he has is that my being home enables my him to give 100% to his job. He can work late, attend work dinners, travel on short notice, etc. That was NOT the case when I worked and it was really hard. It put a lot of stress on our marriage to constantly be negotiating who could do preschool drop off and who could relieve the nanny, not to mention who was going to pick up the groceries, throw dinner together, make lunches, etc. Now there's no question that I can do all those things. My DH still helps a lot when he's home but when he's not that's fine too. Our house is messy I admit, and that's something I'm working on, but only because my youngest is now in preschool 3 mornings a week and my oldest is in kindergarten. Before that I just couldn't keep up with the house -- it doesn't come naturally to me and it was so hard with babies and toddlers. That phase really is SO difficult. But we always caught up on weekends and the cleaning lady came once a week and it was fine. I am so glad my DH and I are on the same page because it would really make me lose respect for him if he were to cut me down the way you talk about your DW. Again, our situations aren't the same but there are a lot of similarities. This isn't what I would necessarily have chosen but my career didn't take off the way I had hoped and I felt guilty all the time being away from the kids. My DH understands that everything changes when you have kids, and the priorities and goals you had before may need to be adjusted in ways you couldn't have predicted. Try to give your wife the same understanding.

Plus 1000!

I work FT and earn more than my husband but I have quite a few friends who stay at home FT. Staying home all day with the kids is NOT easy (even for the best of moms) and I would definitely be looking for a break when my husband got home (especially with young kids). Your wife sounds like someone who values spending time with her children doing fun activities more than cooking and cleaning, which I can completely relate to. I also agree with you that there has to be some balance though. Perhaps she can find a tastefully simple rep in her area (you build 10 frozen meals at a time and drop them in the crock pot in the morning). Or maybe you can help her find some easy crock pot meals (look up pulled BBQ sandwiches, pot roast, etc). Also, encourage her to try out a simple cleaning schedule during the week (one load of laundry during the day and one room a day to clean).

Understand that it is almost impossible to keep a house clean with two young kids (when I am home during the day, I do try to keep the mess to one or two rooms though).

Like your wife, if I stayed at home I would choose to provide my children experiences (play dates, activities, arts/crafts) rather than running around all day cooking and cleaning.

OP, I had to say this, but you do sound a bit like a jerk. It would be great for you to focus on all of the benefits that your family (mostly your kids) get by staying at home with mom. A few (though I don't know your specific family) might be:
- nit having to rush out of the house extremely early so that mom/dad can make it to work
- you not having to take off of work when one of the kids are sick or have doctors appointments
- reduced stress around mundane but extremely time consuming tasks like grocery shopping, going to target, etc
- great and fun experiences for your kids (going to the library, swimming, park, etc)

One last point - I have a 5 month old and a three y/o and consider myself to be a great mom. When I stay him from work or have the kids all day on the weekend for whatever reason, I 100% hand them off to my husband for a much needed break when he gets home. To the pp who suggested giving you a 30min break when you get home - I would never agree to that. My husband is an attorney who works for the govt. but has time in his day for mini breaks (grabbing lunch, or a cup of coffee, reading his iPad on the metro ride home, etc). He understands and agrees that from the time he gets home to the time that both kids go to sleep (about 7:30pm), he is still "on".

x2, this is fab advice and I agree with everything youve said, especially with your comment about Op being a bit of a jerk. I dont know why anyone would resent their wife for staying home to take care of HIS children.

x3.

[Anonymous]

Bring upset your spouse unilaterally opted out of the workforce doesn't make one a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All throughout our dating years I said I don't have much career ambition and wasn't sure if I wanted to SAH or not. My spouse said he'd make it work regardless of my choice. I made more than him then and worried/discussed is it really feasible on his income alone. I told him daycare costs school costs diapers costs. He appeared confident. Now that we have a young toddler he says SAH is no longer an option, he says we need my income to save fir retirement and buy a house. I feel a bit resentful and think he was an idiot for being confident without really crunching numbers and I'm the bigger idiot thinking his salary would increase or that it would work out (when his job is not in a lucrative field). He has wealthy parents but of course he prefers notvto be indebted to them. He says he wants to be independent. But I have to work as an attorney or something else that makes more than 60k if I switch fields.

You suck.