Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. From what I know, DW quit her job because she wasn't happy there with the idea of looking for something else. That went by the wayside after our second arrived and basically stopped completely. There wasn't much said beyond "this is what I want to do now." When I tried to encourage her job hunting efforts, they just got shut down as something she's not interested in pursuing. So, yes. There was a gap of communication, but really there wasn't much left for me to do but accept it. Which I am working on in therapy, but is difficult because this isn't the life I wanted or the type of marriage I had planned on.

Like I said, things are really lopsided and unbalanced.

This is basically exactly what my sister did, except it was her first child. Winder what my BIL thinks, bt he at least acts like its ok...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it depends on where you live too whether it makes sense to be at home or work. If everyone you live near and are friends with also has a dual income household, than it's easier for you to also have this set up. If everyone else as only one parent working, it gets harder to fit in to the neighborhood with other parents who also stay at home.

What else do you do to fit in with your neighbors? Are they as concerned about fitting in with you?

Maybe I stated that wrong. If all the kids are having playdates at home instead of SACC, it's difficult for a child of a working parent to make good friends. If all the moms are volunteering at school every day and hanging out at the pool in the summer, you will not get to know them as well if you work out of the house and your child also will not get to know those children as well either.

Why does any of this matter? Are your neighbors' children the only kids on the planet? Is there a law saying you have to know your neighbor moms well? Amazing sheepleness.

Are you that dense? Certain schools have a better mix of stay at home and work out of the house moms. When people are on the same schedule, it's easier for them to get together. Just saying it's easier to work out of the house and if there are other families doing this too. I didn't just mean the people on a single street.

[Anonymous]

15:35 again. Near us there are schools where 70% or more of the moms stay home and other schools where 70% or more of the moms work. And then there are ones with more of a balance. Of course friendly moms and and kids who really like each other will find a way to get together, but I've just noticed that in general most moms who stay at home do playdates during the week and moms who work out of the house do playdates on the weekends. Moms that stay at home moms tend to get together after drop off and moms that work out of the house get together in the later evenings. May just be my experience, but I have friends in other towns who say the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

OP, I am a new poster and I applaud you. I think your concerns/resentful feelings are valid, but you also sound very rational and willing to take the long view. I am a SAHM and I think it would be totally reasonable for you to sit your wife down and lovingly tell her that you are willing to support her choice FOR NOW but if she is truly choosing this life she needs to embrace more responsibilities at home. Then pick one or two things you want her focus on. Maybe it's laundry, maybe it's picking up toys daily, or cooking a "real" dinner x nights a week. My weakness is dinner - I do it but its not my thing, so I at least try to make up for it by being really good at laundry, decluttering, grocery shopping, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:35 again. Near us there are schools where 70% or more of the moms stay home and other schools where 70% or more of the moms work. And then there are ones with more of a balance. Of course friendly moms and and kids who really like each other will find a way to get together, but I've just noticed that in general most moms who stay at home do playdates during the week and moms who work out of the house do playdates on the weekends. Moms that stay at home moms tend to get together after drop off and moms that work out of the house get together in the later evenings. May just be my experience, but I have friends in other towns who say the same thing.

I agree with this. Live in a neighborhood where tons of moms are able to SAH but no one is so rich to also have nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:35 again. Near us there are schools where 70% or more of the moms stay home and other schools where 70% or more of the moms work. And then there are ones with more of a balance. Of course friendly moms and and kids who really like each other will find a way to get together, but I've just noticed that in general most moms who stay at home do playdates during the week and moms who work out of the house do playdates on the weekends. Moms that stay at home moms tend to get together after drop off and moms that work out of the house get together in the later evenings. May just be my experience, but I have friends in other towns who say the same thing.

I get that you're saying it's easier. I just think it's ridiculous to let this factor so much into personal family choices. When I choose whether to work or stay at home, at no point of time it crosses my mind that it should matter what our neighbors or school moms are doing. My kids will have friends no matter what, and so will I, who cares that they won't be neighbor kids or school moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:35 again. Near us there are schools where 70% or more of the moms stay home and other schools where 70% or more of the moms work. And then there are ones with more of a balance. Of course friendly moms and and kids who really like each other will find a way to get together, but I've just noticed that in general most moms who stay at home do playdates during the week and moms who work out of the house do playdates on the weekends. Moms that stay at home moms tend to get together after drop off and moms that work out of the house get together in the later evenings. May just be my experience, but I have friends in other towns who say the same thing.

I get that you're saying it's easier. I just think it's ridiculous to let this factor so much into personal family choices. When I choose whether to work or stay at home, at no point of time it crosses my mind that it should matter what our neighbors or school moms are doing. My kids will have friends no matter what, and so will I, who cares that they won't be neighbor kids or school moms?

I don't think it factors as much into personal family choices as much as where to live.

[Anonymous]

If you are a SAHM, your ass better look like a lululemon model's.

[Anonymous]

Working mom with a SAH DH. I am bookmarking this and googling it whenever I have a bad day as the breadwinner. Thanks, OP.

[Anonymous]

I just read through this entire thread and was surprised that there was so little discussion about OP talking to his wife about how he wasn't happy with the decision but is willing to accept it and stay at his current job if the house and dinner can be in better order. Seems he kept talking to his wife about getting another job instead of accepting her decision and just asking her to be better stay at home mom if that's really what she wanted to do. Maybe cut back on the crafts a bit. If said in an understanding way, I'm guessing the wife would make strides to do a better job at cleaning and making dinner especially as the little one gets older and the two can play together a bit without her involvement every moment.

I read through this and saw the exact opposite. It seemed like whenever OP tried to engage his wife, she shut down. That makes having a two sided conversation difficult. But good on him for cracking the code. He is probably going to be happier having made peace with things than divorced based on what he wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it depends on where you live too whether it makes sense to be at home or work. If everyone you live near and are friends with also has a dual income household, than it's easier for you to also have this set up. If everyone else as only one parent working, it gets harder to fit in to the neighborhood with other parents who also stay at home.

What else do you do to fit in with your neighbors? Are they as concerned about fitting in with you?

Yeah, how weird. Like I would give up my career just to fit in if my neighbors were predominantly SAHMS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it depends on where you live too whether it makes sense to be at home or work. If everyone you live near and are friends with also has a dual income household, than it's easier for you to also have this set up. If everyone else as only one parent working, it gets harder to fit in to the neighborhood with other parents who also stay at home.

What else do you do to fit in with your neighbors? Are they as concerned about fitting in with you?

Maybe I stated that wrong. If all the kids are having playdates at home instead of SACC, it's difficult for a child of a working parent to make good friends. If all the moms are volunteering at school every day and hanging out at the pool in the summer, you will not get to know them as well if you work out of the house and your child also will not get to know those children as well either.

Why does any of this matter? Are your neighbors' children the only kids on the planet? Is there a law saying you have to know your neighbor moms well? Amazing sheepleness.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. From what I know, DW quit her job because she wasn't happy there with the idea of looking for something else. That went by the wayside after our second arrived and basically stopped completely. There wasn't much said beyond "this is what I want to do now." When I tried to encourage her job hunting efforts, they just got shut down as something she's not interested in pursuing. So, yes. There was a gap of communication, but really there wasn't much left for me to do but accept it. Which I am working on in therapy, but is difficult because this isn't the life I wanted or the type of marriage I had planned on.

Like I said, things are really lopsided and unbalanced.

This is basically exactly what my sister did, except it was her first child. Winder what my BIL thinks, bt he at least acts like its ok...

Have you asked your sister why she did what she did?

[Anonymous]

PP, probably because she had him by the balls. She probably thinks it's smart but she is in for a rude awakening if the BIL leaves her. Especially once those kids are grown.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have not read all 23 pages of posts, so I am probably missing context. However, given that your DW was feeling adrift about her employability (sp)/career aspirations/WOHM in general maybe a career coach/life coach, in addition to couples counseling, could help. If she is stuck in a rut a coach could help suss out where her skill set will be best utilized and find an environment where she will thrive. If she isn't open to this expert/professional help then an appointment with a physician to rule out depression might be the next best step.

Best of luck to you OP.

Signed a WOHM who is about to start career counseling herself.