How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Also, don't think for a second that your husband doesn't know or feel on some level your animosity, anger, resentment, or lack of love for him. He does. He doesn't process it or communicate it the same way, but he is absolutely emotionally in tune with you and others, but just in a very different way. It's hard to describe, but I may even go as far as to say that he may understand you better and on a deeper level than anyone else can. It's just that he ignores all the other superficial details, and the words that you say, which are not always the truest reflection of your soul and deepest feelings.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

PP, are you on the autism spectrum yourself? What you are describing as "NT behavior" is bizarre.

My happily married NT friends have NT partners/husbands who have interests and friends, who make plans and participate in each other's lives. They do things together, and they do things separately, but at the same time, they are partners and they are the prime emotional support for each other. Yes they each have supportive friends, and colleagues and family members, but what I see they all have in common is mutual respect and interest in making each other happy.

I have an ASD partner who has no friends, has no interests (aside from work), who does almost nothing to do with child rearing, socializing, planning activities, holidays, etc. etc. etc. He is not a partner in the true sense of the word. It's exhausting for me to try to create a normal family life all by myself. If it were up to him, the children would be naked and starve to death, have no birthday parties, no vacations, probably not even a house to live in. All that and much much more is left to me. He puts all his energy into his job, and has none for me or our children. I'd like to have a husband, not a nice roommate who gives the kids rides and helps around then house when asked.

Sigh. What you're describing is something different from autism. I've said this a million times, but my likely ASD dad did almost all the housework, and almost 50% of the childrearing. His behavior was difficult in other ways, but nothing like what you describe. And, he had two long and apparently happy marriages.

The post I was responding to involved a woman miffed that her (supposedly) autistic inlaws did not enjoy her "fun little day trips" or converse in exactly the way she expected/demanded at dinner. THAT is where NTs get very rigid about their social norms. I know it's hard to grasp, but the very notion of people with autism acting "oddly" (ie differently than expected) IS at its heart a problem of NT people having trouble when others don't follow their rules. Now of course, we can say that people with autism ought to be able to learn how to play by the rules to the extent they can - and I think I agree with this - but there is a tremendous irony at the heart of characterizing autistic people as "rigid" and ignoring the rigidity of the NT world - and the utter cruelty it can show towards people who do not conform.

Your dad is not all autistics. you seem pretty rigid thinking yourself.

How many pages in and still using “autistic” as an insult. Truly, that does not mark you as a good faith poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

PP, are you on the autism spectrum yourself? What you are describing as "NT behavior" is bizarre.

My happily married NT friends have NT partners/husbands who have interests and friends, who make plans and participate in each other's lives. They do things together, and they do things separately, but at the same time, they are partners and they are the prime emotional support for each other. Yes they each have supportive friends, and colleagues and family members, but what I see they all have in common is mutual respect and interest in making each other happy.

I have an ASD partner who has no friends, has no interests (aside from work), who does almost nothing to do with child rearing, socializing, planning activities, holidays, etc. etc. etc. He is not a partner in the true sense of the word. It's exhausting for me to try to create a normal family life all by myself. If it were up to him, the children would be naked and starve to death, have no birthday parties, no vacations, probably not even a house to live in. All that and much much more is left to me. He puts all his energy into his job, and has none for me or our children. I'd like to have a husband, not a nice roommate who gives the kids rides and helps around then house when asked.

Sigh. What you're describing is something different from autism. I've said this a million times, but my likely ASD dad did almost all the housework, and almost 50% of the childrearing. His behavior was difficult in other ways, but nothing like what you describe. And, he had two long and apparently happy marriages.

The post I was responding to involved a woman miffed that her (supposedly) autistic inlaws did not enjoy her "fun little day trips" or converse in exactly the way she expected/demanded at dinner. THAT is where NTs get very rigid about their social norms. I know it's hard to grasp, but the very notion of people with autism acting "oddly" (ie differently than expected) IS at its heart a problem of NT people having trouble when others don't follow their rules. Now of course, we can say that people with autism ought to be able to learn how to play by the rules to the extent they can - and I think I agree with this - but there is a tremendous irony at the heart of characterizing autistic people as "rigid" and ignoring the rigidity of the NT world - and the utter cruelty it can show towards people who do not conform.

Your dad is not all autistics. you seem pretty rigid thinking yourself.

I don't know about the PPs dad but HFA dad's can definitely be caretakers.
I have a friend whose husband is diagnosed. He was the primary breadwinner while is wife sah when the kids were little. During covid he sort of fell apart mentally and now she works full time and he is a sah dad. He doesn't do things like she would, but he makes it work and I've seen it first hand.

For sure. This person though was commenting that she didn't believe another person's example.

I was commenting that those are not characteristics exclusive to autism or inherent to autism, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Also, don't think for a second that your husband doesn't know or feel on some level your animosity, anger, resentment, or lack of love for him. He does. He doesn't process it or communicate it the same way, but he is absolutely emotionally in tune with you and others, but just in a very different way. It's hard to describe, but I may even go as far as to say that he may understand you better and on a deeper level than anyone else can. It's just that he ignores all the other superficial details, and the words that you say, which are not always the truest reflection of your soul and deepest feelings.

Per his own ego beliefs. Just like one person's ego may not be their whole selves, same goes for all people. This may be kind of true that he sees a part of her that is less visible, but at the same time ignoring parts of the whole never actually gives you the whole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Also, don't think for a second that your husband doesn't know or feel on some level your animosity, anger, resentment, or lack of love for him. He does. He doesn't process it or communicate it the same way, but he is absolutely emotionally in tune with you and others, but just in a very different way. It's hard to describe, but I may even go as far as to say that he may understand you better and on a deeper level than anyone else can. It's just that he ignores all the other superficial details, and the words that you say, which are not always the truest reflection of your soul and deepest feelings.

Per his own ego beliefs. Just like one person's ego may not be their whole selves, same goes for all people. This may be kind of true that he sees a part of her that is less visible, but at the same time ignoring parts of the whole never actually gives you the whole.

I am the PP. And I don't disagree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

If you can't change your expectations, you need to get a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

If you can't change your expectations, you need to get a divorce

Exactly. I wonder if OP has ever for a second considered trying to connect with her DH based on his interests and preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

OP, reread the PP you're responding to and then reread your response. Try to do it with some detachment.

The the tone of the PPs post is proactive. The tone of your post is reactive. Therin lies the material difference between how one person is able to stay married to an ASD HFA husband and one person who isn't. Honestly, this mindset approach applies to all marraiges though some people have to dig deeper than others depending on circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

I am the PP you're responding to, and I truly do empathize with everything you are feeling because I have been there 100 percent and have at some time or other, felt the same.

There are a few differences though, that might make it harder for you than it was for me. My DH connects with our kids, just in a different way. He may not remember their birthdays, or know who their friends are, but he treats them as his equals and they respond to that. It's been partly problematic for me because it requires me to take on most of the parenting role, with setting expectations, limits, and sometimes being the "mean" parent by taking away things. It's gotten somewhat better through some discussion, but he still seems to struggle with realizing that they are still just kids, and sometimes he just treats them too much like full grown adults and gets mad when they fall short of those expectations. But at the same time, the kids are very bonded to him, particularly the one who is also neurodiverse, because they have very similar interests and ways of thinking. He does check out and go into his own world for many hours at a time, and he works many hours a week, but I have to say - he does make an effort to also spend time with them. It is like 70/30 in terms of him spending his free time on his own interests vs spending time with the kids and me. DH is also good with bringing the kids and me into his areas of interest - so if you and your family are willing, you may be able to connect in this way.

The other big difference is me. I grew up with parents who were NOT emotionally available AT ALL and I grew up kind of isolated because they were working all the time and were very controlling. So in some ways, I am just used to it and don't need that constant emotional connection. And to be honest, if I were married to someone with more normal needs for emotional connection, it might just be too much pressure on me to live up to that expectation when it is still pretty foreign to me. The friends that I see on an occasional basis, and message with nearly daily, and the therapist that I see once or twice a month, provides me with more than enough emotional connection. So I can see how if you had more normal needs, it would be much harder for you.

As for special occasions, I gave up on pretty much all my expectations around that a long time ago. But there was a time I was really resentful and sad about it. We've been together for more than 20 years and I can count on one hand where he remembered our anniversary, and then valentine's day is just not a thing with us. If I want to do something special, I either plan it for us, or I give him reminders and an explicit request to plan something. These are just not things that are normally on his radar. He has a very limited focus area of prioritization, and everything else falls off of it and is rendered invisible, unless he is prompted with urgency to make it a priority. Over time, I've adopted a similar ambivalence around special occasions, and I just don't care about them as much.

You might want to seek therapy for yourself to work through some of these issues and see if you are willing an able to make these adjustments (in expectations and communication style) to make your marriage work for the both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

I am the PP you're responding to, and I truly do empathize with everything you are feeling because I have been there 100 percent and have at some time or other, felt the same.

There are a few differences though, that might make it harder for you than it was for me. My DH connects with our kids, just in a different way. He may not remember their birthdays, or know who their friends are, but he treats them as his equals and they respond to that. It's been partly problematic for me because it requires me to take on most of the parenting role, with setting expectations, limits, and sometimes being the "mean" parent by taking away things. It's gotten somewhat better through some discussion, but he still seems to struggle with realizing that they are still just kids, and sometimes he just treats them too much like full grown adults and gets mad when they fall short of those expectations. But at the same time, the kids are very bonded to him, particularly the one who is also neurodiverse, because they have very similar interests and ways of thinking. He does check out and go into his own world for many hours at a time, and he works many hours a week, but I have to say - he does make an effort to also spend time with them. It is like 70/30 in terms of him spending his free time on his own interests vs spending time with the kids and me. DH is also good with bringing the kids and me into his areas of interest - so if you and your family are willing, you may be able to connect in this way.

The other big difference is me. I grew up with parents who were NOT emotionally available AT ALL and I grew up kind of isolated because they were working all the time and were very controlling. So in some ways, I am just used to it and don't need that constant emotional connection. And to be honest, if I were married to someone with more normal needs for emotional connection, it might just be too much pressure on me to live up to that expectation when it is still pretty foreign to me. The friends that I see on an occasional basis, and message with nearly daily, and the therapist that I see once or twice a month, provides me with more than enough emotional connection. So I can see how if you had more normal needs, it would be much harder for you.

As for special occasions, I gave up on pretty much all my expectations around that a long time ago. But there was a time I was really resentful and sad about it. We've been together for more than 20 years and I can count on one hand where he remembered our anniversary, and then valentine's day is just not a thing with us. If I want to do something special, I either plan it for us, or I give him reminders and an explicit request to plan something. These are just not things that are normally on his radar. He has a very limited focus area of prioritization, and everything else falls off of it and is rendered invisible, unless he is prompted with urgency to make it a priority. Over time, I've adopted a similar ambivalence around special occasions, and I just don't care about them as much.

You might want to seek therapy for yourself to work through some of these issues and see if you are willing an able to make these adjustments (in expectations and communication style) to make your marriage work for the both of you.

Not OP but this was my ex before he had affairs that even after therapy wouldn't get fixed and kept happening. Honestly, I'm glad of the affairs (what I wasn't told is that men as they age can also be very impulsive especially if they aren't connected well to the world) to have an excuse to leave and since I got primary custody it's just a monetary issue for me now. The line about treating kids as if they were peers really struck with me. That's how I felt. Like he was a Peter Pan kid and got mad at them when he shouldn't and was too permissive when he shouldn't have been. And no real adult connection to me. I felt like he would just be a roommate after the kids left. Now that your kids are grown, how do you stay connected? How do you make it work for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

I am the PP you're responding to, and I truly do empathize with everything you are feeling because I have been there 100 percent and have at some time or other, felt the same.

There are a few differences though, that might make it harder for you than it was for me. My DH connects with our kids, just in a different way. He may not remember their birthdays, or know who their friends are, but he treats them as his equals and they respond to that. It's been partly problematic for me because it requires me to take on most of the parenting role, with setting expectations, limits, and sometimes being the "mean" parent by taking away things. It's gotten somewhat better through some discussion, but he still seems to struggle with realizing that they are still just kids, and sometimes he just treats them too much like full grown adults and gets mad when they fall short of those expectations. But at the same time, the kids are very bonded to him, particularly the one who is also neurodiverse, because they have very similar interests and ways of thinking. He does check out and go into his own world for many hours at a time, and he works many hours a week, but I have to say - he does make an effort to also spend time with them. It is like 70/30 in terms of him spending his free time on his own interests vs spending time with the kids and me. DH is also good with bringing the kids and me into his areas of interest - so if you and your family are willing, you may be able to connect in this way.

The other big difference is me. I grew up with parents who were NOT emotionally available AT ALL and I grew up kind of isolated because they were working all the time and were very controlling. So in some ways, I am just used to it and don't need that constant emotional connection. And to be honest, if I were married to someone with more normal needs for emotional connection, it might just be too much pressure on me to live up to that expectation when it is still pretty foreign to me. The friends that I see on an occasional basis, and message with nearly daily, and the therapist that I see once or twice a month, provides me with more than enough emotional connection. So I can see how if you had more normal needs, it would be much harder for you.

As for special occasions, I gave up on pretty much all my expectations around that a long time ago. But there was a time I was really resentful and sad about it. We've been together for more than 20 years and I can count on one hand where he remembered our anniversary, and then valentine's day is just not a thing with us. If I want to do something special, I either plan it for us, or I give him reminders and an explicit request to plan something. These are just not things that are normally on his radar. He has a very limited focus area of prioritization, and everything else falls off of it and is rendered invisible, unless he is prompted with urgency to make it a priority. Over time, I've adopted a similar ambivalence around special occasions, and I just don't care about them as much.

You might want to seek therapy for yourself to work through some of these issues and see if you are willing an able to make these adjustments (in expectations and communication style) to make your marriage work for the both of you.

Not OP but this was my ex before he had affairs that even after therapy wouldn't get fixed and kept happening. Honestly, I'm glad of the affairs (what I wasn't told is that men as they age can also be very impulsive especially if they aren't connected well to the world) to have an excuse to leave and since I got primary custody it's just a monetary issue for me now. The line about treating kids as if they were peers really struck with me. That's how I felt. Like he was a Peter Pan kid and got mad at them when he shouldn't and was too permissive when he shouldn't have been. And no real adult connection to me. I felt like he would just be a roommate after the kids left. Now that your kids are grown, how do you stay connected? How do you make it work for you?

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Our kids are still young and in elementary school so it's yet to play out. I have thought about how things would change after the kids are grown. I have to say I was the second most unhappy before kids, due to various circumstances. The stress of learning to live together. Also I followed him to a different city for his job and was somewhat isolated. My own deep-seated issues with intimacy and self esteem, and he was very... let's say "untrained" when it came to being in a relationship. He would constantly cross a lot of boundaries, say hurtful things, was defensive and would attack my self-worth when he felt attacked, and was very self-centered - but in the end it was a kind of naivete about how to have a relationship with someone and he had to be taught that I wouldn't tolerate being treated that way. The most unhappy was when the kids were very young, and his life changed very little while my life completely changed and the responsibilities were so new and overwhelming.

I imagine it will be an adjustment after the kids are grown, but all marriages go through that. We'd have to make more of a concerted effort to connect - but I'm hoping we'll have more time to do things together and be less stressed when that time comes. I imagine he will get very wrapped up in his own projects that he has not had time for with work and kids, so it may be that I will have to find my own thing at that time, which honestly, sounds appealing to me and doesn't sound like a bad thing.

But yes, what you said about Peter Pan, permissiveness, and constant arguing and bickering with the kids like he was one of their siblings. He conveys zero sense of a parent kind of persona, so the kids do not treat him like a parent either. For a while, I just got more lax because I was so tired of being the "mean parent" and would wait for DH to step up more, but then I saw it was having bad negative effects on our kids. They became unhappy, anxious. angry, negative, feral at times, and prone to daily meltdowns. So I'm back to being the "mean parent" and just hoping the kids will appreciate it when they are 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

I am the PP you're responding to, and I truly do empathize with everything you are feeling because I have been there 100 percent and have at some time or other, felt the same.

There are a few differences though, that might make it harder for you than it was for me. My DH connects with our kids, just in a different way. He may not remember their birthdays, or know who their friends are, but he treats them as his equals and they respond to that. It's been partly problematic for me because it requires me to take on most of the parenting role, with setting expectations, limits, and sometimes being the "mean" parent by taking away things. It's gotten somewhat better through some discussion, but he still seems to struggle with realizing that they are still just kids, and sometimes he just treats them too much like full grown adults and gets mad when they fall short of those expectations. But at the same time, the kids are very bonded to him, particularly the one who is also neurodiverse, because they have very similar interests and ways of thinking. He does check out and go into his own world for many hours at a time, and he works many hours a week, but I have to say - he does make an effort to also spend time with them. It is like 70/30 in terms of him spending his free time on his own interests vs spending time with the kids and me. DH is also good with bringing the kids and me into his areas of interest - so if you and your family are willing, you may be able to connect in this way.

The other big difference is me. I grew up with parents who were NOT emotionally available AT ALL and I grew up kind of isolated because they were working all the time and were very controlling. So in some ways, I am just used to it and don't need that constant emotional connection. And to be honest, if I were married to someone with more normal needs for emotional connection, it might just be too much pressure on me to live up to that expectation when it is still pretty foreign to me. The friends that I see on an occasional basis, and message with nearly daily, and the therapist that I see once or twice a month, provides me with more than enough emotional connection. So I can see how if you had more normal needs, it would be much harder for you.

As for special occasions, I gave up on pretty much all my expectations around that a long time ago. But there was a time I was really resentful and sad about it. We've been together for more than 20 years and I can count on one hand where he remembered our anniversary, and then valentine's day is just not a thing with us. If I want to do something special, I either plan it for us, or I give him reminders and an explicit request to plan something. These are just not things that are normally on his radar. He has a very limited focus area of prioritization, and everything else falls off of it and is rendered invisible, unless he is prompted with urgency to make it a priority. Over time, I've adopted a similar ambivalence around special occasions, and I just don't care about them as much.

You might want to seek therapy for yourself to work through some of these issues and see if you are willing an able to make these adjustments (in expectations and communication style) to make your marriage work for the both of you.

Not OP but this was my ex before he had affairs that even after therapy wouldn't get fixed and kept happening. Honestly, I'm glad of the affairs (what I wasn't told is that men as they age can also be very impulsive especially if they aren't connected well to the world) to have an excuse to leave and since I got primary custody it's just a monetary issue for me now. The line about treating kids as if they were peers really struck with me. That's how I felt. Like he was a Peter Pan kid and got mad at them when he shouldn't and was too permissive when he shouldn't have been. And no real adult connection to me. I felt like he would just be a roommate after the kids left. Now that your kids are grown, how do you stay connected? How do you make it work for you?

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Our kids are still young and in elementary school so it's yet to play out. I have thought about how things would change after the kids are grown. I have to say I was the second most unhappy before kids, due to various circumstances. The stress of learning to live together. Also I followed him to a different city for his job and was somewhat isolated. My own deep-seated issues with intimacy and self esteem, and he was very... let's say "untrained" when it came to being in a relationship. He would constantly cross a lot of boundaries, say hurtful things, was defensive and would attack my self-worth when he felt attacked, and was very self-centered - but in the end it was a kind of naivete about how to have a relationship with someone and he had to be taught that I wouldn't tolerate being treated that way. The most unhappy was when the kids were very young, and his life changed very little while my life completely changed and the responsibilities were so new and overwhelming.

I imagine it will be an adjustment after the kids are grown, but all marriages go through that. We'd have to make more of a concerted effort to connect - but I'm hoping we'll have more time to do things together and be less stressed when that time comes. I imagine he will get very wrapped up in his own projects that he has not had time for with work and kids, so it may be that I will have to find my own thing at that time, which honestly, sounds appealing to me and doesn't sound like a bad thing.

But yes, what you said about Peter Pan, permissiveness, and constant arguing and bickering with the kids like he was one of their siblings. He conveys zero sense of a parent kind of persona, so the kids do not treat him like a parent either. For a while, I just got more lax because I was so tired of being the "mean parent" and would wait for DH to step up more, but then I saw it was having bad negative effects on our kids. They became unhappy, anxious. angry, negative, feral at times, and prone to daily meltdowns. So I'm back to being the "mean parent" and just hoping the kids will appreciate it when they are 30.

+1

DP here. I support you. Following. Yes, other PP, it will be interesting when the kids are in college. I am debating what to do then. The productive information on this thread means more than you know, so keep that part coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Again.
I'm really begging this time. Does anyone have a marriage that's solid to an Aspie? Anyone here?
A few posters have said that they lowered their expectations and find satisfaction elsewhere. Others have said it's impossible to have a mutually satisfying relationship with an Aspie.
Unless anyone has anything helpful to say, this seems like a tapped out thread. And so disappointing. Like my marriage.

My marriage is solid, but is it fulfilling in and of itself? Absolutely not. I've had to adjust my expectations, and spend periods of time shifting my mindset to that of a single mother so I didn't get resentful for having expectations of a loving husband. I'm not suggesting that for you, but I think that was a necessary transition period for me to survive.

I've had a full year of therapy now, and while our marriage is unchanged, it has really helped me 100 percent. a) to be heard, seen, understood by someone, to be able to share all of myself and my thoughts with someone and have it be considered, and accepted b) to work on my own deficits, issues, and communication challenges, lack of self care, and self esteem. c) to have a partner to be able to talk about things like the challenges of parenting with reason and good will. d) to help me understand that I have the power to make our marriage better fit my needs if I choose - but that the effort will need to come from me, because my husband sees nothing wrong with our relationship

I'm able to recognize what my husband brings that make up for my deficits. He is stable, loyal, unchanging, he will never leave or stray, he is good at his job, he helps people through his job, he financially supports the family, he does not hold grudges, he has taught himself useful skills like home repair and minor construction, is very good at completing very long projects that take hundreds of hours, he is intellectually interesting, non-conforming, and incredibly intelligent in areas of his interest. If I do a good job of communicating my needs in a way that is very sensitive to his feelings, he is open to making an effort. It takes repetition, patience, and love. And it requires understanding that he goes through life always getting the message from everyone that he's not doing it right, that something is off with him, that he needs to change who he is, and that he's not doing enough, so every ask and request of him is like rubbing salt into his open wounds and he will react defensively because of it.

I have and need supportive friends that give me the kind of understanding, encouragement and support, that I will never get from my husband, unless I give him explicit instructions on how he should do so. I take care of myself. I draw some boundaries and try to teach him to take care of himself with at least the basic things - he needs to be able to prepare a few meals, to be able to do his own laundry, take care of his own stuff, and manage communication and planning with seeing his side of the family and his own friends. This part took time and clear expectations and boundaries.

Thanks, PP for this thoughtful post.
This is OP, and this is the type of answer I'm looking for.
My DH sounds similar to yours. He can complete projects around the house if given detailed instructions and a long time to do it.
But he's not much of an emotional partner.
Last night at dinner, for example, he just sat there quietly eating and saying nothing through the entire meal. If an outsider were eating with us, he would be animated and making jokes and trying to show what a great, nice guy he is. But to his family, whom he says he loves, he gives almost nothing of himself.
Our DD calls from college, and he barely grunts hello to her. Fortunately, she's chatty, but he doesn't bother to use the few minutes once a week or so he has to interact with her to connect with her. I do that.
This is not how I see other dads interacting with their children, especially their adult children.
A good friend (of mine, of course, as DH has no friends) took his two teens to Madrid for Christmas. Whenever I talk with this friend, he always knows what his children are up to and how they are feeling because he asks them. DH has absolutely no clue what our children are thinking or feeling, and of course he has no interest either. He asks me how I am feeling (because I and multiple therapists told him to), but he has little or no response to my answers.
I do enjoy his company on outings. He will talk to me in restaurants when others are around and might see him just sitting there saying nothing.
I've tasked him with finding a therapist or coach who specializes in NT/HFA marriages. I have my doubts that it will change anything, but with no other options, I'm willing to give it a try.
I have a job and loads of friends, but I still feel lonely every day because my principal emotional relationship is so one-sided, leaving me feeling sad and empty.
And it's Valentine's day
He will buy me red roses (I've told him I hate roses) and we will go out to dinner tonight. That's the best he can do, but it's an empty gesture. The symbols of love have no meaning when there's no emotional connection behind them.

I am the PP you're responding to, and I truly do empathize with everything you are feeling because I have been there 100 percent and have at some time or other, felt the same.

There are a few differences though, that might make it harder for you than it was for me. My DH connects with our kids, just in a different way. He may not remember their birthdays, or know who their friends are, but he treats them as his equals and they respond to that. It's been partly problematic for me because it requires me to take on most of the parenting role, with setting expectations, limits, and sometimes being the "mean" parent by taking away things. It's gotten somewhat better through some discussion, but he still seems to struggle with realizing that they are still just kids, and sometimes he just treats them too much like full grown adults and gets mad when they fall short of those expectations. But at the same time, the kids are very bonded to him, particularly the one who is also neurodiverse, because they have very similar interests and ways of thinking. He does check out and go into his own world for many hours at a time, and he works many hours a week, but I have to say - he does make an effort to also spend time with them. It is like 70/30 in terms of him spending his free time on his own interests vs spending time with the kids and me. DH is also good with bringing the kids and me into his areas of interest - so if you and your family are willing, you may be able to connect in this way.

The other big difference is me. I grew up with parents who were NOT emotionally available AT ALL and I grew up kind of isolated because they were working all the time and were very controlling. So in some ways, I am just used to it and don't need that constant emotional connection. And to be honest, if I were married to someone with more normal needs for emotional connection, it might just be too much pressure on me to live up to that expectation when it is still pretty foreign to me. The friends that I see on an occasional basis, and message with nearly daily, and the therapist that I see once or twice a month, provides me with more than enough emotional connection. So I can see how if you had more normal needs, it would be much harder for you.

As for special occasions, I gave up on pretty much all my expectations around that a long time ago. But there was a time I was really resentful and sad about it. We've been together for more than 20 years and I can count on one hand where he remembered our anniversary, and then valentine's day is just not a thing with us. If I want to do something special, I either plan it for us, or I give him reminders and an explicit request to plan something. These are just not things that are normally on his radar. He has a very limited focus area of prioritization, and everything else falls off of it and is rendered invisible, unless he is prompted with urgency to make it a priority. Over time, I've adopted a similar ambivalence around special occasions, and I just don't care about them as much.

You might want to seek therapy for yourself to work through some of these issues and see if you are willing an able to make these adjustments (in expectations and communication style) to make your marriage work for the both of you.

Not OP but this was my ex before he had affairs that even after therapy wouldn't get fixed and kept happening. Honestly, I'm glad of the affairs (what I wasn't told is that men as they age can also be very impulsive especially if they aren't connected well to the world) to have an excuse to leave and since I got primary custody it's just a monetary issue for me now. The line about treating kids as if they were peers really struck with me. That's how I felt. Like he was a Peter Pan kid and got mad at them when he shouldn't and was too permissive when he shouldn't have been. And no real adult connection to me. I felt like he would just be a roommate after the kids left. Now that your kids are grown, how do you stay connected? How do you make it work for you?

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Our kids are still young and in elementary school so it's yet to play out. I have thought about how things would change after the kids are grown. I have to say I was the second most unhappy before kids, due to various circumstances. The stress of learning to live together. Also I followed him to a different city for his job and was somewhat isolated. My own deep-seated issues with intimacy and self esteem, and he was very... let's say "untrained" when it came to being in a relationship. He would constantly cross a lot of boundaries, say hurtful things, was defensive and would attack my self-worth when he felt attacked, and was very self-centered - but in the end it was a kind of naivete about how to have a relationship with someone and he had to be taught that I wouldn't tolerate being treated that way. The most unhappy was when the kids were very young, and his life changed very little while my life completely changed and the responsibilities were so new and overwhelming.

I imagine it will be an adjustment after the kids are grown, but all marriages go through that. We'd have to make more of a concerted effort to connect - but I'm hoping we'll have more time to do things together and be less stressed when that time comes. I imagine he will get very wrapped up in his own projects that he has not had time for with work and kids, so it may be that I will have to find my own thing at that time, which honestly, sounds appealing to me and doesn't sound like a bad thing.

But yes, what you said about Peter Pan, permissiveness, and constant arguing and bickering with the kids like he was one of their siblings. He conveys zero sense of a parent kind of persona, so the kids do not treat him like a parent either. For a while, I just got more lax because I was so tired of being the "mean parent" and would wait for DH to step up more, but then I saw it was having bad negative effects on our kids. They became unhappy, anxious. angry, negative, feral at times, and prone to daily meltdowns. So I'm back to being the "mean parent" and just hoping the kids will appreciate it when they are 30.

+1

DP here. I support you. Following. Yes, other PP, it will be interesting when the kids are in college. I am debating what to do then. The productive information on this thread means more than you know, so keep that part coming.

Thanks. Writing about it now, makes me realize how much I had to shoulder, especially in those early years. Not blaming anyone - he was not capable of adjusting to all the new changes without a lot of pushing and coaching, and I was too exhausted and not very good at communicating to be able to do that for him. We were winging it as most new parents are, and neither of us had a roadmap.

And it did take a big toll on my self esteem from which I'm still recovering. Again, not blaming anyone. But after many years of a relationship where I felt invisible, I was suddenly thrown headfirst into this parenting thing, and I did not have a good partner who I could reason with and talk things through. I felt like I was failing, and I couldn't handle both that and work and handle all the home stuff and all the planning, and it really just took a toll on my self-worth. I was trying to do it all, and being bad at everything. And I was guilty of comparing - and as you know, comparison is the thief of joy. So when seeing other husbands being more "normal" or seeing other families get help from their parents, it was upsetting.

And then my husband was just doing really well at work, which is great, but when I had to give up working to handle everything else with the kids and home and family and friends, I no longer had that identity for myself. And I underestimated how much that would negatively impact my self-esteem, and even though he actually wanted me to stop working, we had to go through a tough several years of retraining DH's thinking because he kept complaining that I was spending "his" money, and I had to convince him to stop forcing me to ask him for money every month, because he insisted on keeping separate bank accounts.

It all just took a lot of work and so many arguments and compromise- to teach DH how to be married, essentially. He was just adverse to change, transitions, and "complicating" things, so everything took a herculean effort to get him there. So I want to give encouragement to all the NT spouses out there married to someone who is neurodiverse. Yes, it can be rewarding, but it is also very hard, and in ways that are just hard to quantify. And also hope - it can get easier, and better, with outside support, improved communication, good self-care, flexibility and acceptance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married to DH with HFA for 15 years now. In the beginning, it was okay, after three kids, it is not. He’s a stressed out mess and can not cope with work and a family. He frequently shuts himself in his office or the bathroom. If he feels criticized at all, he immediately shuts down and sometimes won’t speak for hours. He gets angry if I try to speak with him about something that he forgot or messed up because he is so scattered. He just wants to disappear into his video games and work. It’s very lonely and depressing. My self esteem has slowly chipped away over the years and I can’t imagine what “normal” even looks like anymore. I just try not to talk to him to avoid him getting upset. He seems happier that way.

NP here. I had to double check and make sure I didn’t write this. Just this morning DH told me if I want him to spend less time playing video games I need to make myself more interesting than the video games. Sounds like a total a-hole, but his black and white thinking often causes him to make insane comments like this. He can really only see the situation from his perspective. Tonight he came home from work and asked me if I was still mad at him. I’m not mad, just really disappointed that I don’t have a real partner in life. He brings in a good income (he’s obsessed with his work like so many others) but that’s about it.

We have two kids and when they go to college I might leave him. Or maybe I’ll just be happy doing my own thing, traveling with girlfriends etc. We’ve been married over 20 years and I wouldn’t do it again. I love him, but it just been too difficult.